Can't cope with mother any more

LegacyUser

I have to start by saying that I love my mother and don't know what I'd do without her, but these days I think I actually hate her at the same time. I have to apologize because I feel like this is going to be horrendously long....

At this point in my life I almost feel as though I'm obliged to be there for my mam as my father all but abandoned us when I was six years old and provided nothing (Emotionally nor financially) My mother raised me herself and in that respect is a very strong woman and has gone through a lot of traumatic things in her childhood and also lost two children to miscarriages prior to having me and has actually been on anti-depressants for over 20 years now.

My mother has also been an alcoholic (though she still doesn't admit it) since I was about 9 years old, falling asleep on the sofa with a bottle of red wine in one hand and the television remote in the other which used to upset me a lot as an only child; I used to try so hard to get her to bed but it's difficult at that age...

In 2009 she suffered a nervous breakdown and ended up being sectioned. I meanwhile was sent to live with my father whose wife bullied me and did bizarre things that meant I was sent on a one-way flight home a few months later and had to live with my grandmother with whom I've always had a strained relationship but after two years and a few stints in foster care, we got through it.

My mum came home in Easter 2011 and I can't tell you how delighted I was to have her home; she means the world to me and I just wanted to spend every day with her, catching up on lost time... The only thing was, issues I thought psychiatric hospitial would have dealt with (ie. long term post-natal depression, alcoholism etc) were nowhere near "fixed" and these once again began to spiral out of control.

I'm doing my Leaving Cert at the moment, and it's funny, I've finally found my niche and found the course I want to do, but my mother has decided that it's not good enough and that I'm selling myself short, despite it being something I'm passionate about. All I get these days is abuse about "not trying" whereas in fact I spend a huge amount of my time networking; of course I could have done a lot more for my exams but what I'm pursuing now, well, I've never felt more proud of anything in my life but it's as though because I'm not doing the bog-standard Trinners/UCD degree that it means nothing in her eyes, which is heartbreaking for me because all I want in life is her approval...

I'm not even sure what advice I'm looking for, I suppose I'm just wondering is it bad that all I want to do, despite feeling that she is my absolute rock, and that I don't want to leave her on her own, want to get away from her so badly? All my friends comment on how much they want a relationship like me and my mam's but they only see what I want them to see... The last few months all I've heard from her is how disappointed she is in me, despite absolute strangers saying they're impressed with what I've achieved with my business... It's as though we should have the perfect relationship, but now it's just turned into a angry distance between us. I'm at a loss, I really am...

Emme

motherhelp wrote: »

I have to start by saying that I love my mother and don't know what I'd do without her, but these days I think I actually hate her at the same time. I have to apologize because I feel like this is going to be horrendously long....

At this point in my life I almost feel as though I'm obliged to be there for my mam as my father all but abandoned us when I was six years old and provided nothing (Emotionally nor financially) My mother raised me herself and in that respect is a very strong woman and has gone through a lot of traumatic things in her childhood and also lost two children to miscarriages prior to having me and has actually been on anti-depressants for over 20 years now.

My mother has also been an alcoholic (though she still doesn't admit it) since I was about 9 years old, falling asleep on the sofa with a bottle of red wine in one hand and the television remote in the other which used to upset me a lot as an only child; I used to try so hard to get her to bed but it's difficult at that age...

In 2009 she suffered a nervous breakdown and ended up being sectioned. I meanwhile was sent to live with my father whose wife bullied me and did bizarre things that meant I was sent on a one-way flight home a few months later and had to live with my grandmother with whom I've always had a strained relationship but after two years and a few stints in foster care, we got through it.

My mum came home in Easter 2011 and I can't tell you how delighted I was to have her home; she means the world to me and I just wanted to spend every day with her, catching up on lost time... The only thing was, issues I thought psychiatric hospitial would have dealt with (ie. long term post-natal depression, alcoholism etc) were nowhere near "fixed" and these once again began to spiral out of control.

I'm doing my Leaving Cert at the moment, and it's funny, I've finally found my niche and found the course I want to do, but my mother has decided that it's not good enough and that I'm selling myself short, despite it being something I'm passionate about. All I get these days is abuse about "not trying" whereas in fact I spend a huge amount of my time networking; of course I could have done a lot more for my exams but what I'm pursuing now, well, I've never felt more proud of anything in my life but it's as though because I'm not doing the bog-standard Trinners/UCD degree that it means nothing in her eyes, which is heartbreaking for me because all I want in life is her approval...

I'm not even sure what advice I'm looking for, I suppose I'm just wondering is it bad that all I want to do, despite feeling that she is my absolute rock, and that I don't want to leave her on her own, want to get away from her so badly? All my friends comment on how much they want a relationship like me and my mam's but they only see what I want them to see... The last few months all I've heard from her is how disappointed she is in me, despite absolute strangers saying they're impressed with what I've achieved with my business... It's as though we should have the perfect relationship, but now it's just turned into a angry distance between us. I'm at a loss, I really am...

OP, you have coped extremely well so far. Despite the following:

*Your father left when you were six and didn't support you or your mother
*Your mother was sectioned in 2009 and you had to care for her a lot of the time.
*You were sent to stay with your father but his partner bullied you and you ended up being kicked out
*Your grandmother was unable to care for you and you had to spend time in foster care
*When your mother came out of hospital she still had the same problems but you both coped and a lot of it was probably down to your help
*You had no siblings for moral or practical support

Now you have got a place on the course you want and are intelligent and articulate. You have made a brilliant success of your life so far despite the above.

So what if you don't want to go to TCD or UCD. If that's what you wanted I'm sure you would have got a place there. Is isn't what you wanted and your mother should respect that. Perhaps she feels that you not going to TCD or UCD reflects badly on her. I know you care a great deal for her but she is conveniently ignoring the tough childhood you had and how well you have done despite your family failing you at every turn. Your mother, your father and your grandmother are the ones who didn't try hard enough for you.

If you don't do the course you want what's the alternative? You stay at home with your mother and try to get the points to do another course you don't really like, your mother has another nervous breakdown or falls off the wagon, you end up looking after her and have to forget college altogether. Unfortunately alcoholism cannot be "fixed" but some alcoholics motivate themselves to stop self-destructing. Does your mother want you to go to college at all? Is her disapproval a way of making you pull out of your course so you can look after her instead? You are probably doing a lot for her now and you don't realise it. She knows how lost she will be without you.

You will find in the big bad world of work that networking is a far more valuable skill than sticking your head in books and getting points. If you do the course you love and continue networking you will probably do a lot better than many people who get the points to go to TCD/UCD and do courses they don't really like but feel they should do.

You have the opportunity to make a life for yourself now. Please take it, otherwise you could end up caring for your mother and doing nothing with your life. From what I can see you have been her rock more than she has been your rock. Can you not see this?

I'm concerned at the lack of indignation and anger in your post. Someone else in your position would be very angry and rightly so. You are not obliged to be there for anyone but yourself. You certainly don't have to seek approval from people who weren't there for you when you needed them.

Do the course you want to do. Your mother will have to get used to it.

pharmaton

I think you have achieved a great deal despite the disadvantages that life has thrown at you op, the best thing is you're probably turning or have turned 18 and can now begin to live as an independent adult in your own right. Hopefully this will involve moving into your own accommodation and starting out on your own path wrt business or your education and the reality is your mother has no power to take any of that away from you. She cannot interfere with what you choose to do as you are an adult and technically responsible for your own life now.

I do believe you love your mother and I have no doubt she loves you too, I know you would like her to be proud of you but chances are once you move out and are happier with yourself the two of you might find a better working relationship again.
Your mother has a long term illness and it has affected you too, it might be of benefit to you to seek some relief through counselling or maybe contact your gp so you can discuss your concerns moving forward.
best of luck