Bring it up or let it go?

LegacyUser

Would really appreciate some thoughts on this.

I've been seeing a guy for 3/4 months and over the past couple of weeks we have become "official". When we met I purposely didn't get too attached. Last year I had two disappointments involving me getting attached quickly and getting a little burnt. So when I met this guy I really tried not to overthink things, not to expect anything, just to enjoy it for what it was.

About 6 weeks ago I was in his and in the middle of the night tried to pick up my phone to text my housemate and let her know I wasn't coming home. We have the same phone and I accidentally picked up his. Opened his messages and saw a text he had sent to his ex-girlfriend telling her how she was perfect and how he always compares other girls to her. He had sent it while we were out that night. I nearly had a heart attack and didn't sleep for the rest of the night, lying beside him and wondering what to do. By morning I decided to let it go. Not to forget about it but, since I shouldn't have read it, and we weren't official or anything, I decided not to bring it up. But I always kept it in my mind, and even more consciously didn't expect anything from the relationship, just enjoyed it for the company and sex etc.

Just happens that over the next few weeks we got really close. Everything started to click and it got more serious. Now we're official and I think I'm falling in love. I don't think he's seeing his ex. We see each other a lot and speak every day. I haven't looked at his messages since but he always has his phone out around me and is very open and I've never seen anything suspicious. I trust him but this is niggling in the back of my mind. I don't want to be with someone who's in love with someone else.

What would others do? Am I being an idiot to stay with someone who would text their ex a message like that while they were out with someone else? If I wanted to bring it up with him, how could I do it?

Thanks

Lostboy71

my view only...but if hes texting other girls he aint serious

judgefudge

I'd say it to him to be honest. Just saying, if I was in that position I couldn't not say it, it would be eating me alive.

I know you shouldn't have looked at the message but just explain what happened. If you have the same phone he's bound to understand.

It's possible that he's still hung up on te ex. It's also possible that the longer you've spent together the more he has fallen for you, and has now moved on. It may have been a stupid mistake to send the text (had you two been drinking that night?)

At the end of the day the only way to get past it, in my opinion, is to talk to him.

Lorna123

Maybe his ex had been texting him that night and he told her he was with someone and being nosey she asked him how it was going. The first thing that came to mind was that he told her she was perfect and he was always comparing others to her. Now this was sort of true because he had nobody else to compare you with. He didn't say that you didn't come up to scratch, just that he was looking for the same thing as he had with her. It was too early at that stage for him to say that you were getting there and he probably didn't want to say that anyway to her. He was being polite and not letting her know his true feelings. What he said to her was a throw away comment. I believe he is getting attached to you now but I would not say anything about the text, I would just leave it. Honestly, I don't think you have anything to worry about.

Goat the dote

I've been there before. Only it wasn't a casual thing, it was a very much official thing.
It didn't end well.

Magicmatilda

Well it seems you can't let it go, which means only one option, bring it up.

I wouldn't be one bit happy about it to be honest. I just don't want to be with someone who is texting other women telling them that they are beautiful. After reading that, I would never be secure in the relationship.

HalloweenJack

IMO, you should leave it.

At the time, by your own admission, you just wanted the company and the sex and were deliberately holding back. I'm sure he'd have picked up on this and was probably thinking of finding someone else to get with if he wanted something more, which I'd reckon he did as you've said you guys became really close in the time since. The fact is, at the time, you weren't together so why should you expect him to be responsible now for a time when you weren't anything more than company and sex, in your own words?

I'll admit it isn't the most encouraging thing to hear but, as you've said, in the time since you've both become a lot closer and he might have forgotten about her.

As long as you've no suspicions about him now, I think you should let it go. Your relationship is at a totally different point from when this happend.

Merkin

I personally would have to come out and say it to him as it would just consume me otherwise! If you're afraid he'll dump you over it then you're not as solid as you thought but I think you should say it to him and give him the chance to be honest/explain.

LegacyUser

Hi OP,

I would say it to be honest. His reaction will speak volumes. Without wanting to sound too negative, I have found that guys who I thought were serious about me were keeping their options open and texting all around them.

I thought recently I was in a secure relationships but found out that when he wasn;t with me he was constantly contacting other girls via text.

I think mobiles, great and all as they are have a lot to answer for. Keeping options open, people on back burner....

Without being stereotypical guys are often the ones to do this

bluemagpie

I agree with Lorna123, I don't think you should say anything. Do you know the context of the message? Maybe you do but it doesn't sound like it and in that case you maybe blowing a misunderstood text out of proportion. Have more confidence, it sounds like things are going well, forget about the text, it had nothing to do with you.

LegacyUser

OP here.

Thanks all for replying.

To those saying I may have misunderstood the text - I don't think so. I didn't read much of the previous messages but I saw the one she had just sent to him and it was very flirty, calling him handsome, etc and that was what he responded with. They definitely weren't talking about me.

Previously I had been thinking to forget about it and just concentrate on what we have now as I have no other reason to be suspicious of him at all. But last night he went out with the lads and was texting me for most of the night, then stopped. Turned out his battery died but all I could think about was 'what if he's bumped into her'. So I think I need to talk to him about it.

Really nervous about it though. I've left it so long now it's just weird. And don't want him to think I'm some snoopy girlfriend who can't give him space because I'm not like that at all!

CaraMay

I would say it to him tbh. It only happened 6 weeks ago and I don't think I would be able to get past it but some people can.