Niggling Worries

LegacyUser · 16-06-2013 12:09am #1

I've been with my boyfriend for nearly two years now, both in early 20s, and I love him very much. We've had our problems, most of which have been smoothed over and a lot of things have improved since the beginning of our relationship. However, there are a few things that I can't seem to get over fully. One such issue that is currently playing on my mind that he has said in the past, and still stands by this statement, that he doesn't think I'm funny/witty/what have you. It came up in a conversation where he said that he doesn't think women are funny (this sexism also annoys me but that's another story) and when I asked "What about me?" he said that he includes me in this. He doesn't think this is a big deal or that he's insulting me by saying this. I know that, obviously, not everyone on the earth can be funny and I don't pride myself particularly on being hilarious but I often make my friends laugh and think most of them would describe me as being quite funny.

This seems like a petty problem when I'm writing it out now, I would just like to know if this would bother other women, or men, on boards. It doesn't make me feel particularly good about myself, and it matters to me what he thinks about me.

maria34 · 16-06-2013 7:02am

Can i ask what are these other issues?

fermanagh_man · 16-06-2013 7:41am

If my girlfriend told me that I wasn't funny/witty id be devastated.

my girlfriend is the funniest girl I know but not in an obvious way, just her little ways etc

Mr.Fred · 16-06-2013 7:42am

First world problems.

Savvy girl · 16-06-2013 7:46am

Mr.Fred wrote: »

First world problems.

notfunnygal wrote: »

I've been with my boyfriend for nearly two years now, both in early 20s, and I love him very much. We've had our problems, most of which have been smoothed over and a lot of things have improved since the beginning of our relationship. However, there are a few things that I can't seem to get over fully. One such issue that is currently playing on my mind that he has said in the past, and still stands by this statement, that he doesn't think I'm funny/witty/what have you. It came up in a conversation where he said that he doesn't think women are funny (this sexism also annoys me but that's another story) and when I asked "What about me?" he said that he includes me in this. He doesn't think this is a big deal or that he's insulting me by saying this. I know that, obviously, not everyone on the earth can be funny and I don't pride myself particularly on being hilarious but I often make my friends laugh and think most of them would describe me as being quite funny.

This seems like a petty problem when I'm writing it out now, I would just like to know if this would bother other women, or men, on boards. It doesn't make me feel particularly good about myself, and it matters to me what he thinks about me.

I would be as petty as him. He sounds like a control freak. Trying to knock your confidence. I bet u are funnier than him.

Give him taste of his own medicine. Say remember u told me u don't think I am funny. Upon thinking about it u are very boring too.

To be honest it's not a small thing. He sounds like a jerk.

I have been there in my 20s got rid of him eventually.

Lorna123 · 16-06-2013 7:51am

I just don't think that a person has to be funny to be attractive, so in my opinion this was not an insult. If the guy doesn't think you are funny so what? It is all in the eye of the beholder. He obviously loves other aspects to you. In my opinion a person who is trying to be funny is not funny but a person who doesn't even know they are funny are often funnier. I don't think any of this has anything to do with his affection for you so I would forget about it if I were you.

Neyite · 16-06-2013 8:05am

Mr.Fred wrote: »

First world problems.

Mr.Fred, Welcome to PI/RI. Please take time to read the charters before posting again. We expect posters to offer constructive advice that is helpful to the OP. There is a zero tolerance for flippant, unhelpful posts, and continuing to post in this way will result in infractions /or a ban from the forum.

Savvy girl · 16-06-2013 8:06am

Lorna123 wrote: »

I just don't think that a person has to be funny to be attractive, so in my opinion this was not an insult. If the guy doesn't think you are funny so what? It is all in the eye of the beholder. He obviously loves other aspects to you. In my opinion a person who is trying to be funny is not funny but a person who doesn't even know they are funny are often funnier. I don't think any of this has anything to do with his affection for you so I would forget about it if I were you.

I disagree. Say the same to him see how he likes it. As previous guy said everyone funny in their own way. Jesus even the guy u don't know on a bus might make u laugh.
Everyone has some sort of sense of humour. Some dry. Witty. Black humour etc.
I think he's knocking your confidence big time. I would knock his see how he feels or tell him it hurt u see what he said.

Irish_Elect_Eng · 16-06-2013 8:27am

We all aspire to being funny, sexy, kind, strong etc.. all the positive virtues and don't want to be described as having any negative virtues, serious, quick tempered, petty, critical, etc. But the truth is that we are made up of both in a mixture that is unique and is our own personality. If we were all the same it would be a very boring life.

I cannot tell you if your partner is being honest and straightforward, perhaps his character flaw is that he is two direct, Or indeed if he is nasty, petty or controlling. Only you can decide if his "good" points outweigh his "bad" points sufficiently for you to "love" him.

We all know friends that have partners that we would not touch with a barge pole, but somehow they are perfectly happy being in love with them, go figure.

Only you can weight your relationship, and decide if it is for you.

Mr.Fred · 16-06-2013 9:08am

Neyite wrote: »

Mr.Fred, Welcome to PI/RI. Please take time to read the charters before posting again. We expect posters to offer constructive advice that is helpful to the OP. There is a zero tolerance for flippant, unhelpful posts, and continuing to post in this way will result in infractions /or a ban from the forum.

Okey doke life's to short not to be happy so if you find yourself unhappy take the necessary steps to change your circumstances. perhaps talk about it with your partner and if hes no bothered about how his conment affected you then more than likely hes not the one for you. There are many worse things in life than being told you're not funny.

16-06-2013 9:24am

Savvy girl wrote: »

I would be as petty as him. He sounds like a control freak. Trying to knock your confidence. I bet u are funnier than him.

Give him taste of his own medicine. Say remember u told me u don't think I am funny. Upon thinking about it u are very boring too.

To be honest it's not a small thing. He sounds like a jerk.

I have been there in my 20s got rid of him eventually.

I don't think he sounds like a control freak in the slightest. Sure, it was a pretty silly and petty thing to do, but definitely doesn't come off as being controlling. I also don't think giving a taste of his own medicine is the way to go about it.

If a relationship descends into petty remarks and snarky comments, just to get one up on the other, then is it really a relationship worth having?

How is everything else, OP?

strobe · 16-06-2013 9:35am

Savvy girl wrote: »

I would be as petty as him. He sounds like a control freak. Trying to knock your confidence. I bet u are funnier than him.

Give him taste of his own medicine. Say remember u told me u don't think I am funny. Upon thinking about it u are very boring too.

To be honest it's not a small thing. He sounds like a jerk.

I have been there in my 20s got rid of him eventually.

Yikes .

If you like the guy at all OP, don't do this, would come across as extremely childish, and be a deal breaker for a huge number of people.

===

Not thinking someone is funny doesn't equate to thinking they're boring. You can find someone interesting, fun, intelligent and attractive, but not hilarious, and that's not immediately a bad thing.

Does he know that his comment upset you?
Maybe you should let him know it got to you and gauge his reaction.

Don't expect him to retract or go back on what he said but if he knows it upset you a bit and is a decent guy he'll apologise for the upset. If he doesn't show any concern for the fact that what he said upset you, maybe then I'd be thinking twice bout the relationship.

LegacyUser · 16-06-2013 9:54am

Op here. As I stated in my original post, I know this isn't a massive problem, it's just something that bothers me and I wanted to get a different perspective.

I have told him, both when he first said and a couple of times since, that I am upset that he doesn't think I'm funny. This thread stems from a conversation we had about it last night. I said it really bothers me and he just said "You never once told me a joke", then turned it around and tried to claim that I don't find him funny either, which he knows isn't remotely true as he's always making me laugh etc. He has a way of getting away from what we're supposed to be talking about when I try to bring up something that bothers me about our relationship so that I eventually give up.

Taltos · 16-06-2013 10:39am

Mr. Fred - this is a strictly moderated forum. Suggest you read the charter before you reply to any more posts. If you post in this thread again we will have no choice but to ban you as your interruptions are pulling this off topic.

Taltos

StillWaters · 16-06-2013 10:42am

I find it bizarre that he doesn't think women in general are funny. That strikes me as misogynistic and very immature.

This isn't about you OP but about his own issues and attitudes towards women.

December2012 · 16-06-2013 10:43am

You mentioned sexism - what else does he do?

What are the other issues you alluded to?

Zen65 · 16-06-2013 11:07am

notfunnygal wrote: »

One such issue that is currently playing on my mind that he has said in the past, and still stands by this statement, that he doesn't think I'm funny/witty/what have you. It came up in a conversation where he said that he doesn't think women are funny (this sexism also annoys me but that's another story) and when I asked "What about me?" he said that he includes me in this. He doesn't think this is a big deal or that he's insulting me by saying this.

I think perhaps you are seeing this as highly personalised when in fact he may simply be pointing out that in general women are not given to comedy as a means of expressing ideas. That's not a new idea, and broadly is agreed the world over. It is not sexism. Sexism is saying that a woman cannot be as funny as a man, which is untrue. It is not sexist to say that generally men make better soldiers than women. At an individual level that may not be true (I know a few women who are far more aggressive than most men). . . but on aggregate, well just look at the gender balance across the world's armies.

If you look up "comedian" on the internet you will find thousands of comedians, of which only a relatively small proportion are female. Some female comedians (Joan Rivers for example) are exceptionally funny and better than 90% of male comedians, but in pure volumetric terms men are far more inclined to be witty than women.

Here's Christopher Hitchens's attempt to explain that phenomenon, and he does so far better than I ever could:

<Mod Snip: Clips of any nature bannable on this forum. - Taltos>

What is unfortunate is that your boyfriend's lack of appreciation for your humour troubles you so much. This would be very understandable if he showed a lack of appreciation / value towards you generally. If he does not, and if in fact he treats you well, is kind and empathetic towards you, then it should not be an issue for you. We do not always know why people like / love us. In truth it may not be all that important. If your bf belittles you for your lack of humour (as he sees it) then that is an issue that you would need to deal with.

Humour is, in any event, a matter of taste. Not everybody finds "Mrs Brown" to be funny (personally I cannot tolerate it at all), but that does not mean it is not funny. You should not expect your bf to love everything about you equally, and certainly not to value your attributes in the same rank as you value them yourself. If he loves you, treats you with respect, care and love, then that should be sufficient. If you feel the need to have that love subdivided into categories that match your own self-analysis then you'll find love much harder to share in that way.

Be at peace,

Z

LegacyUser · 16-06-2013 12:15pm

Thanks for all your comments and I'm glad to get a different perspective on this and realise that it is not something I should be hurt or offended by.

I'm not overly concerned about this being a sexism issue- that's really the only possibly misogynistic thing he's said. He does have a habit of using racial slurs and such though which I have an issue with. He's very intelligent and I think using that kind of language is completely beneath him, which I've said many times. He doesn't think it's offensive though, or else just wants to shock people, I can never really be sure. In this way, our values and world views can often clash so this is a problem.

I often find myself questioning our relationship when I visit my parents as my Mam doesn't want me to be with him and always says I should be with someone who treats me like a princess etc. etc. My boyfriend doesn't mistreat me, but he's not naturally a romantic or sentimental person. He can be quite blunt. I have accepted that it's who he is but when my Mam says things like that to me I feel as though I should be expecting more from the relationship or something.

This has gone way off point, sorry!

Jimmy 5F · 16-06-2013 12:42pm

StillWaters wrote: »

I find it bizarre that he doesn't think women in general are funny. That strikes me as misogynistic and very immature.

This isn't about you OP but about his own issues and attitudes towards women.

How is not thinking women are funny the same as hating women.

IMO men are GENERALLY speaking funnier than women so I can see where he's coming from. OP at least he is being honest. As others have said he could be attracted to you for many other reasons.

judgefudge · 16-06-2013 1:15pm

I don't think what he originally said was out of badness. He said generally he didn't think women were funny. It was you who started to probe him and ask about yourself. And you keep bringing it up since? Why? Do you want him to lie to you and say you are funny?

You seem to be looking for problems in the relationship where there really are none. Your mam doesn't like him - so what? As long as you like him that doesn't matter. He may not be romantic or sentimental, my boyfriend isn't either, but if he's a good person and you love him it's not the most important thing in the world.

Chara1001 · 16-06-2013 1:50pm

Just a question OP, when you say that he's blunt, how blunt is he?

I ask because I've had exes in the past who were proud of the way they told 'The Truth'. They used to tell people they 'didn't sugar coat' things, even when they were hard to say.
Which is ok, but when they said bad things, they were very bad. Just because someone claims they're 'blunt' doesn't give them the right to be downright rude because they claim they've warned you that they 'tell it like it is'.

I could be way off, if he doesn't think you're funny, its ok (i wouldn't be too happy to hear that either but its not a dealbreaker). The problem MIGHT be the other things you're alluding to- using crass racial slurs in your presence, knowing you find it offensive or POSSIBLY speaking to you in an unnecessarily rude manner

strandroad · 16-06-2013 7:44pm

He sounds quite closed minded to be honest; racial slurs, belittling women (yourself not exceptex), blunt and proud of it all enough to stick to it when challenged. Sounds unattractive. Any redeeming traits, what do you like in him?

16-06-2013 8:35pm

mhge wrote: »

He sounds quite closed minded to be honest; racial slurs, belittling women (yourself not exceptex), blunt and proud of it all enough to stick to it when challenged. Sounds unattractive. Any redeeming traits, what do you like in him?

Where are the racial slurs? Am I the only one that can't find them?

Meauldsegosha · 16-06-2013 8:42pm

notfunnygal wrote: »

He does have a habit of using racial slurs and such though which I have an issue with. He's very intelligent and I think using that kind of language is completely beneath him, which I've said many times. He doesn't think it's offensive though, or else just wants to shock people, I can never really be sure. In this way, our values and world views can often clash so this is a problem.

The OP said herself that her boyfriend uses racial slurs.

16-06-2013 8:47pm

Meauldsegosha wrote: »

The OP said herself that her boyfriend uses racial slurs.

Ah I see. Missed that part.

Nymeria · 16-06-2013 9:00pm

Chara1001 wrote: »

Just because someone claims they're 'blunt' doesn't give them the right to be downright rude because they claim they've warned you that they 'tell it like it is'.

I could be way off, if he doesn't think you're funny, its ok (i wouldn't be too happy to hear that either but its not a dealbreaker). The problem MIGHT be the other things you're alluding to- using crass racial slurs in your presence, knowing you find it offensive or POSSIBLY speaking to you in an unnecessarily rude manner

I have to agree with this advice. Op, he sounds like he doesn't care that what he says bothers you. I personally would find racial slurs unacceptable. He is obviously entitled to his opinion, but you are not obliged to have to listen to it or agree. Never mind that ignorant generalising about ALL women or one particular race or ethnicity is stupid and unnecessary.
I personally have one or two members of my extended family like this and it makes me annoyed and uncomfortable to the extreme. If possible I limit the contact I have with them.

If you want to stay in this relationship and make it work, I would sit him down and be honest and clear about what is bothering you and why. I think his reaction would potentially tell you what you need to know about how much he respects you and your feelings.

Of course you are never going to change his personality, and his attitudes. However he could compromise by not saying these things in front of you in respect of the fact that it makes you uncomfortable. If he is unwilling to respect the fact that it bothers you, then that speaks for itself.

Quite honestly, the fact that he says them at all would put me off, and possibly shows a deeper incompatability in personalities.

Chucky the tree · 16-06-2013 9:13pm

notfunnygal wrote: »

Op here. As I stated in my original post, I know this isn't a massive problem, it's just something that bothers me and I wanted to get a different perspective.

I have told him, both when he first said and a couple of times since, that I am upset that he doesn't think I'm funny. This thread stems from a conversation we had about it last night. I said it really bothers me and he just said "You never once told me a joke", then turned it around and tried to claim that I don't find him funny either, which he knows isn't remotely true as he's always making me laugh etc. He has a way of getting away from what we're supposed to be talking about when I try to bring up something that bothers me about our relationship so that I eventually give up.

What do you expect to happen when you say this? It's as if you want him to turn around and say "oh, I was actually wrong, you are really funny". I mean it's clear he will just be lying put it seems you want him to lie to you, which I think most people will agree is pretty strange.

JenEffy · 16-06-2013 10:06pm

Not everyone is funny. Most of the girls I know don't make me laugh.

Zen65 · 16-06-2013 11:17pm

notfunnygal wrote: »

I often find myself questioning our relationship when I visit my parents as my Mam doesn't want me to be with him and always says I should be with someone who treats me like a princess etc. etc.

Do you trust your Mam's judgement on other matters? Would you say she is generally a good judge of character?

I ask because 9 times out of 10 your mother can see traits in a bf that you cannot, either because you are too close to him or because you have not had as much experience in life as she has had. I think it's worth exploring this topic with her; she can offer far more specific advice about him than we can.

Be at peace,

Z

ElvisChrist6 · 16-06-2013 11:38pm

Savvy girl wrote: »

I disagree. Say the same to him see how he likes it. As previous guy said everyone funny in their own way. Jesus even the guy u don't know on a bus might make u laugh.
Everyone has some sort of sense of humour. Some dry. Witty. Black humour etc.
I think he's knocking your confidence big time. I would knock his see how he feels or tell him it hurt u see what he said.

I agree that it's not nice, but neither is being passive aggressive like this. Playing stupid, cruel games just makes you as bad as he is, just say it's annoying you. I can't stand those kinds of passive aggressive games, it's not healthy and if you get into them, you might as well not be in that relationship. Just be straight forward if you must say it at all. I do agree that it's not nice to say that about you all the same!

LegacyUser · 17-06-2013 12:02am

OP here. I would like to clarify that I don't constantly bring this up, it's only come up about three times I'd say. I know saying it bothers me is pointless, I don't want him to lie to me, so I guess it's unfair on him to bring it up at all, because he can't really win either way. I feel a lot better about the issue now, and realise its insignificance.

As far as the racial slur stuff goes...I'm ashamed that I let it go uncommented on so often. I've gotten used to it. But then I remember how crazy it is and reprimand him but it doesn't make a whole lot of difference. The reason I see past it is that I know that my boyfriend is a really good person- he cares so much about his family, and me, he just expresses himself differently. This leads me to believe that he doesn't genuinely hold such hostile opinions about other people/races it's just some bizarre front that he finds it hard to remove. He has a lot of self esteem issues and it could be a cover for that.

My Mam can be quite judgemental but her judgement is often accurate and it upsets me that she dislikes him so much. I'm used to the way he is, but she isn't, and it makes me think "Is this normal? Should I expect more?". For instance, my parents brought me to visit him last summer after we hadn't seen each other in a few weeks. We arrived at his house and he didn't run to hug me or anything, he probably didn't even smile, and my Mam was very annoyed on my behalf. I didn't think to be upset by it because I'm used to it, although things such as that upset me a lot at the beginning of our relationship.

I'm kind of going around in circles here, so I don't know if I should persevere with this thread! It's basically an issue of do I love him for who he is and am I happy being in a relationship where all my sentimental notions of what a relationship should be most likely won't be met. And that's only something I can figure out for myself.

Niggling Worries

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