friend problems, advice needed please

anongirl87

Hi all

somewhat of a regular contributer but wanted to use a different name for this one.
It's a long story so apologies in advance, and thanks in advance for reading and replies.

I have a disability, won't say what in case it makes me identifiable, but it's relivant that's why I mention it. When I was 18, I attended a training course for a year, to learn all types of independent living type stuff, and this is where the story begins.
It was while I was here, that I met, and became smitten with a man who was quite a bit older than me, 13 years to be precise. After a while of talking etc, a brief, and I mean brief, relationship insued. we're talking 3 weeks to a month max, hard to remember as it's so long ago. Now, during this time at the centre I was at, I met, and made friends with a girl who was attending also.
When me and this guy, let's call him David, split up, I ended up going out with one of his friends, and this girl who I made friends with, we'll call her Lisa, asked my permission to go out with David.
It was absolutely none of my business, and there was no bad feeling between me and david about me having gone out with his friend, and of course I told Lisa to do as she pleased, and go out with David if she wanted. I told her he was nice, would treat her nice etc.
They began dating then, and got very serious very quickly, moving in together quite fast etc. We all got on very well for a long time afterwards and used to hang out all the time.
One day out of the blue then when I was round at david's hanging out, he announced to me out of the blue that Lisa had told him to get me to leave. she had obviously decided for reasons unknown to me that I had outstayed my welcome. How anyone can go from asking permission to go out with someone to getting their bf to throw you out of an apartment that doesn't even belong to you is beyond me but anyway..
That was a good few years ago now, but ever since then me and David cannot or should I say, have not been aloud to have any type of friendship whatsoever. We get on very well and I would like to be able to meet up with him outside his workplace but it is obvious to me that Lisa has problems with/does not allow this. take tonight as a perfect example.
David is doing something in the area where I live this evening, and then was going to come to our apartment meaning me and my bf, we were going to have something to eat and maybe just a few drinks and the craic in general. I was at something earlier where David was, and he was talking about coming out later, how he was looking forward to it etc.
Then about an hour ago, I got a text saying that Lisa wasn't feeling very well, and that he would skip our drinks and food, that he was sorry and that he was really looking forward to it. No mention of rescheduling or anything of the sort.
now I know this could be perceived as me being oversensitive or something, but this is not the first time David has canceled. any time he is meant to come over to us when Lisa is about he cancels always, and always at the last minute. If she is away however, no problem, so I know that she is not really sick at all and has obviously said he wasn't to come or something to that effect.
I feel really hurt/annoyed/upset over this. I feel like we are not really friends at all. I mean, only getting to meet up with him in his workplace makes me feel like wanting to be friends with him is wrong, or like we have something to hide and we have absolutely nothing!!!!!!!!
My bf said he is worse to let her dictate to him what he can and can't do, but my question is, what do I do now?
I am strongly thinking of writing an email explaining how I feel, but is this the wrong thing to do?
also there is a chance I could end up working with him in the near future, so is writing the email or whatever a bad idea for this reason, and if I don't right it, where do we go from here?
What we have is not a friendship at all, it just struc me tonight when I got that text. I have thought this a few times before but now I am sick of the I'm sorry texts and of being let down. My question is, would I be out of line to say it to him?
Advice, thoughts and opinions welcome.

Lorna123

I just think that because David was attracted to you at one stage that Lisa is afraid of any future liaisons between you. She does not like the idea of you and him meeting up without her and in many ways I don't blame her for that. She wanted you out of the apartment just because she wanted to be alone with him, no reflection on you at all. I would not like my o/h to spend time alone with an ex no matter how brief their liaison was. As far as him not turning up at your place without Lisa I just think that she prefers him to go home to her rather than going to your place without her, that is all that is. Why can't you just meet up with Lisa and forget about David.

Mr.Fred

Would you not invite David and Lisa out as a couple instead of just asking him alone. You may get on well with him but perhaps he wants to spend his free time with Lisa and not his ex.

anongirl87

Hi lorna123 and mr fred.
Thanks for your replies.
Lorna, at this stage we would be talking about nearly 10 years since this brief thing with me and david. I was so young when it happened that nothing really even happened there. I would invite them out as a couple of course, if Lisa didn't hate even the mention of my name, which she does!
I've been told this by mutual friends. It's not only me he is not allowed see either, other people whom he is friends with, and who know that lisa is not as disabled as she claims, are not allowed in or around the apartment either, and again, it doesn't even belong to her.
Lots of people have commented on what I just mentioned re lisa's disability so it is not just me making things up here.

CaraMay

I wouldn't interfere in their relationship. You seem to have an unusual interest in him, does she maybe pick up in this?

People have to cancel stuff all the time but your reaction seems excessive and over emotional for just a friend.
Don't bother inviting him anymore if he keeps letting you down.

Suggest you get on with your own life and let him live his as he pleases. Definitely don't email her as this will only confirm her suspicions.

anongirl87

CaraMay wrote: »

I wouldn't interfere in their relationship. You seem to have an unusual interest in him, does she maybe pick up in this?

People have to cancel stuff all the time but your reaction seems excessive and over emotional for just a friend.
Don't bother inviting him anymore if he keeps letting you down.

Suggest you get on with your own life and let him live his as he pleases. Definitely don't email her as this will only confirm her suspicions.

I was going to email him not her. What's unusual about being pissed off about being let down every time it's scheduled that we meet up/ This has been going on for years now, and I would put it to you that if I was posting this about a girlfriend of mine and the fact that she is isolated from friends etc that people would tell me she was in an abusive relationship and i am right to be concerned, but because it's a guy and I'm annoyed with him all of a sudden I fancy him or something?
I absolutely don't plus my bf of 5 years knows we are friends and has no problem with it. I have 0 attraction to him and was just writing because I am annoyed that we can't have a friendship because of a partner who I believe is abusive to him, given that it is not just me he is not allowed see.

CaraMay

But you said he does call over to you and at the same time you say you have not been allowed to have a friendship with him for years. How are you in touch with him now seeing as you don't work together? You are not let down everytime as he has called over when she is away? Your post is quite confusing and contradictory tbh

Why would you email him? Why not mention it to him when you next meet him.

anongirl87

Sorry for not explaining properly.
When I say he calls over, we are talking maybe twice, though I think it is really only once in the past 3 years, so literally I can't meet up with him outside his workplace at all.
I would be there a bit for appointments I would have with a therapist there.
When I or anyone else try to talk to him about this issue he won't really talk at all, I thinkk because he knows we are right but he is scared he wouldn't find anyone else or something

CaraMay

So you have already tried to talk to him and he doesn't want to know so drop it. He us happy so let him be. There only way to ensure you aren't let down by him is to stop asking him over. It sounds a bit like you are trying to force a friendship he is very half hearted about.

You do sound very invested in him though.