Feeling bitter

TheminxIRL

Bit of background, almost three years ago my brother was diagnosed with leukaemia and for a while it was touch and go as to whether or not he would survive but thankfully now he is on the road to recovery after a very long hard battle.

Once his treatment began he was transferred to Dublin for treatment and we his family live 2 hours away by car. Once it was decided that my brother needed a bone marrow donation, his three siblings including myself all agreed to be tested to see if we were a potential match. It turns out I was his match and donated the bone marrow two years ago now and thank God the treatment was successful. None of us hesitated to be tested and even though I was nervous I was thrilled that I could help him in a way nobody else could.

Unfortunately once released and home he had to go for a check up and contracted the vomiting bug, which for any of us would be maybe a day or two of sickness but with no immune system my brother was hospitalised for ten months. But he is finally home

So thats the good part the bad part is my brothers wife, she comes from a very well do to do family and it has always been the way that she looks down on us. If we called to visit she would leave because she had something to do and never attended any of the family events like christenings, parties or get togethers, it was always my brother that attended with their two kids.

Nobody every really took much notice of it, we knew what she was like and just got on with everything.

Now though following a ten month stay in hospital my brother is home finally and we have now been told that we are not allowed to see him.

Apparently we didnt make enough effort to go see him when he was in Dublin and we didnt care about him despite the fact that every week my mother and sister went up on the train, I went when I could but not as much as i would liked to have. I did explain that being a single mum to an 8 year old with nobody to take him and he couldnt go to the hospital due to risk of infection, plus I was working until Dec when I broke my shoulder which is still being treated and I was earning crap money and literally have nothing left over at the end of the week meant that my visits werent that often.

My other brother has also lost his job, his wife is working unnatural hours just to keep their house payments paid so he wasnt in a position to pay for train tickets regularly either but again made the effort when he could.

If this hadnt been explained to them I could understand why they might be annoyed with us but it was put to them clearly it wasnt that we didnt want to be up weekly we simply couldnt.

What's really annoying us though is the fact that my other brothers wife and their four year old were involved in a serious car accident before Christmas that could have resulted in both of them dying but luckily they were fine after and neither my brother in Dublin or his wife even texted or rang to see how they were. My brother was very upset over the accident but also because nobody from my other brothers family even enquired after them.

Our own mother had a stroke before my brother was admitted this time, was left very confused, with slurred speech, paralysis and weakness down her left side. After a long battle physio and depression as a result of the stroke she is slowly making progress but is very slow on her feet and tires easily. In fact she has aged 20 years since and looks 92 not 72.

Again my brother neither came to see her or rang to see how she was, he was admitted himself shortly after.

When my mother was out only a couple of weeks, my sister rang my sister in law to see how our brother was and got a smart remark if we visited we would know and following this my mother started making her weekly visits on the train again despite still being ill herself and would spend the following day in bed to recover.

It got to the point when my sister and mother were going up they would have to ring ahead to see if it was okay to come, one day they were told that my sister in law would be there and not to come up but they were already on the train and meeting my other brother along the way so they still went.

This upset my mother greatly.

Now the cherry on top we are all barred from my brothers house now that he is home. We are not welcome, we made no effort to see him or help out despite my sister bending over backwards and ringing offering her help every week only to be told no nothing needed doing by my sister in law who then proceeded to tell my brother nobody ever offered her help when we all did!!

This was pointed out to him and he said straight to our face he believed his wife.

My mother has since been told she can visit in a few weeks, that my sister can drop her off and collect her later that she is not allowed in the house.

My brother and myself are of the opinion to tell them to go f themselves and not bother with them again, my sister is caught in the middle because my mother doesnt want us all fighting and is being torn apart by it all.

I dont just blame my sister in law for all of this although I know a lot of it is down to her lies and bitchiness but my brother should surely stick up for his family but hasnt.

What would you guys suggest just leave them be or make an effort?

Whats annoying me most is we were told by the hospital when the original bone marrow transplant was done, which neither of them as much as said thanks for nor even came up to see me in my ward when I was in for five days following it, that it was possible down the line that my brother might need what they call a "top up" of bone marrow but the way im feeling now is I am not going to be used and cast aside again.

Grrrr dont know what to do

judgefudge

Well I mean... He's still your brother. I know you're angry, and understandably so, but I wouldn't go thinking along the lines of never donating again. His life could be in your hands, it would be incredibly petty to deny a further donation. Although I'm sure you'll have realised that since you posted.

It sounds like she is stirring up trouble. It's difficult when a family member is loyal to, or believes, a spouse over their own family but you should bear in mind that she is probably manipulating him at a time when he is vulnerable.

Maybe you should talk directly to him? Surely he knows how often you visited and therefore knows how much effort you put in? I'd try one more chat with him, lay out how you feel. If he's still being completely unreasonable about it I'd just walk away. He may need you again down the line, in which case you should be there... But I wouldn't sit around taking her bull****.

TheminxIRL

Thanks for the reply Judgefudge.

No I know if push came to shove of course Id have to donate again but im just so angry now its clouding my judgement.

It is definitely her is manipulating him. I know she has said to him about how much her family have been there for him but that is because none of her sisters work, their husbands do and they are all in the financial position of paying for train fares/petrol regularly where as we would have to plan for it.

But my brother knows all this and that's why im annoyed with him. Also the affect its having on my mother. She is already not in the best of health but she is often staring into space thinking and off her food now so its obvious its making her feel bad.

With regards to speaking to him again, there is no possible means of doing that now because his guard dog wont allow us in to the house and he doesnt answer his phone

judgefudge

Could you just turn up? I mean let them know you're going to arrive and then ask to talk with him? Or write a letter? Email? Even link to this thread?

Sometimes you need to bear in mind that siblings are not perfect. It seems he's under her spell but he is also acting unreasonably and selfishly and is thereby hurting your mother. I have consistently watched my sibling hurt my parents for years and I know how hard it is. You feel entirely helpless, because in fact you are.

You can't change how he acts towards you or your mother. All you can do is make one last effort to get in touch and try to solve the situation. I hope it works out!

LegacyUser

Your sister in law sounds like "delightful".

Give her mother and father a call and tell them how there daughter is treating you and your family at the moment. I would also tell her about your mother poor health and the fact that there daughter will not let any of your family into the family home to visit your brother. I would also remind her that you give him a bone marrow donation that this may have helped her husband to stay alive.
I would then ring the rest of the family and let them know exactly what is going on with the sister in law as I am sure she is bad mouthing you to the rest of the family.
I am sure that her parents would not be impressed with her actions and they may tell her to grow up.

Also could you turn up some where your sister in law is not expecting you and have a shouting match that her friends could hear. A woman like this won't want the world knowing her business.

I would send you brother a registered letter also telling him that you and his family have tried to keep in contact with him despite the fact that his wife won't allow this.
I would also tell him that your mother is not well at the moment and could he give her a call. I would then ask him to ring you as after giving him a bone marrow donation that you would like to know how he is now doing?
If he does not ring you within a week I would keep ringing his home and mobile number.
I would also ring his mother in law again if you don't hear from him and tell her I sent a register letter to ( your brother name) a week ago but he has not rang me yet.

jdsk2006

Op pls disregard the "advice" wise lady gave - you don't want adding fuel to the fire and cause a permanent rift.

what's happening you right now is truly awful. I can't help but wonder tho how your brother got to this point. He and his wife went through one hell of a trauma, a very long drawn out trauma at that and it really cannot have been easy on them both. Fact of the matter is love her or hate her your sil has been his absolute backbone and support through his illness and together they faced one of lifes toughest challenges. An experience like that leaves it mark. Your brother is behaving like someone who is hurting quiet badly, imo he probably did feel unimportant, overlooked and unsupported by his family and is now very bitter himself. Maybe the only way forward is to aknowledge your brother and sils hurt, give them a platform to air their feelings without protest or judgment.

marizpan

jdsk2006 wrote: »

Op pls disregard the "advice" wise lady gave - you don't want adding fuel to the fire and cause a permanent rift.

what's happening you right now is truly awful. I can't help but wonder tho how your brother got to this point. He and his wife went through one hell of a trauma, a very long drawn out trauma at that and it really cannot have been easy on them both. Fact of the matter is love her or hate her your sil has been his absolute backbone and support through his illness and together they faced one of lifes toughest challenges. An experience like that leaves it mark. Your brother is behaving like someone who is hurting quiet badly, imo he probably did feel unimportant, overlooked and unsupported by his family and is now very bitter himself. Maybe the only way forward is to aknowledge your brother and sils hurt, give them a platform to air their feelings without protest or judgment.

This is great advice.
My husband and I went through similar about three years ago and he is bitter still about his family and the lack of support we received. He has pulled back greatly from them now.

You have to realise that his wife and children are his family, his parents and siblings are extended family.
I imagine he truly is bitter (not his wife) about what happened.
And yes, I think your brother and wife went to hell and back for a few years. Especially if they have young children.

QuiteInterestin

TheminxIRL wrote: »

. We are not welcome, we made no effort to see him or help out despite my sister bending over backwards and ringing offering her help every week only to be told no nothing needed doing by my sister in law who then proceeded to tell my brother nobody ever offered her help when we all did!!

This was pointed out to him and he said straight to our face he believed his wife.

Does your sister have itemised bills? Could she show them to your brother, at least proving all the phone calls she made to your sister in law? It would be hard to argue with that.

TheminxIRL

Thanks for the replies

JD and Marzipan I know exactly what you are saying but we did our utter best and explained to him along the way what was happening and why. I have no doubt he is hurting but we were with him all the way.

Yes my sil was his backbone and it was very hard on her especially with two young kids but we offered to help with the kids, in the house, babysitting, several times which she has denied.

It just seems unfair as we had been up to see him just before he was released from hospital and everything was fine, he was happy to see us, chatted away, showed us picture on his phone of the kids so this is like a bolt out of the blue.

We also suffered the trauma, he is our big brother, every op every bad turn he had we were upset and hoping for the best. Our lives were stopped too and now he is better it surely should be a time to be thankful

TheminxIRL

Quiteinterestin its almost at the point where it looks like my sister is going to have to get her phone records to show she did in fact ring my sil regularly. Most of her calls went to voicemail where she offered to help out and also enquired about my brother but 90% of her calls went unanswered and not returned.

Even before my brother was sick she treated my sister like this so its nothing new

jdsk2006

Your sadness and upset can be felt right off the screen, i really feel for you.
The other thing that jumps off the screen is that you don't particularly like your sil.

She is well entitled to refuse the help offered from someone that doesn't like her.....i mean why would she accept?
I also think its not unreasonable for her to expect that people leave them be to get settled back into normal family life.

I think ye need to cool down somewhat before ye approach this issue again

TheminxIRL

No JD it was never like that, I only really have a problem with her now for lying about the offers of help.

Before that she was invited to everything we had going on in fact it was my son's communion three weeks ago and I asked her to come with the kids and she didnt acknowledge the invite but I left it because I knew she was pretty much tied up.

We have never given her any reason to think we dont like her at all.

With regards to the settling in bit, of course we werent all going to show up at his door, he had said he didnt want visitors and we respected that, he has had a very hard time and needs to connect with his two kids again because of the risk of infection from them he didnt see them all that much but my sister rang two days after he got home to see how he was settling in and to ask if the kids were thrilled to have their Daddy home and then he dropped the bombshell that we were not to call at all that we were not welcome.

He's my brother, I love him, I donated bone marrow to help save him and I dont want this to be the end.

My other brother who is quite headstrong has said that even if the offer does come up to visit now that the bridge has been burned. It's killing my mother who is a widow and unwell herself following a stroke.

It just seems so unfair

LegacyUser

I've seen this happen in my own extended family. My cousin's wife won't allow him to contact his family, yes it is partly his fault. She obviously feels threatened and there are some mental issues there as well. The only tactic I can see is for you and your brother to get in touch with your other brother and say in a non aggressive way 'listen there is something badly wrong here if we can't come and see you, our mother has been distraught we have to talk about this' leave the wife out of the conversation as much as possible.

jdsk2006

I don't think you should give up hope just yet op. You really wont know what their issue is tho until you manage to have a calm talk. Would you consider a family counselling type session? I know gettin them there might be difficult but you could word it like, "look i know you guys are hurting, we are hurting too and nobody is benefiting from all this negativity. I would love if we could iron out our differences without killing eachother in a controlled fair environment, would ye please attend at least one session as a family" ?

Other than that op I'm kinda stumped at this whole scenario and i do feel at some point you may have to pull back at leave them be if they won't communicate like adults

TheminxIRL

Hi Enchanter and JD, to be honest today Ive just had enough of this consuming every waking moment I would be open to the counsellor option but I know before I would even ask that there is no way either of them would attend.

I just dont have the mental strength now to do anymore about it, I am going to leave it and just wait and see if they make any sort of move.

Im prepared now if they dont so be it really nothing I can do I cant force someone to see his family if he chooses not to

thanks for all the comments though