Dumped by friend for new boyfriend

Crea

I have been friends with a woman for 6 years. We have been through alot of problems together and have been really supportive of each other. We'd meet up at least 2-3 times a week and spend hours chatting. My friend split with her husband 3 years ago after a very difficult time and have always been there for her during the all the crap she's had to deal with from her ex. She met a guy at the start of the year. He is a really decent bloke and is very good to her and for her self-esteem (which took a hammering during her marriage). They are very serious and he has moved in with her and her kids around 3 months ago.
The thing is that since they first got together i've hardly seen her. The only reason I see her is that our kids go to the same school so we meet at the gate or else I call in to her house. I have kind of pulled back from calling in cause i'm a bit hurt and pissed off about this. I get the at the start of a relationship it can be all consuming but surely a person could manage 1 morning a week/every second week. It is getting to the stage where I feel a bit uncomfortable around her, especially when she says "We must meet up" and i'm thinking "Yeah yeah".
I can't really say anything cause i'll just sound a bit jealous and needy (the irony isn't lost here) and tbh if you say stuff like this I think it affects the relationship anyway.
At this stage I can't see her behaviour changing. I just wanted to write this down as it's wrecking my head and to see how others might view it.

Est28

I know this is no concellation but some people are like this.... they just dump their friends when they meet someone. I've had many friends do it, I even spoke up when it was one of my best friends and lets say it didn't end well.

They just don't see what they are doing. For her sake, lets hope it works out, if it doesn't she'll be right back looking to be best friends and then wondering why you are not there for her anymore.

Some might say confront her but she won't get it, she'll see you as being jealous or trying to break them up. Just drop her, she's not worth it.

Crea

Thanks for your reply. I agree with everything that you said. I have taken a big step back cause initially I was calling to her house twice a week for chats which was fine but when no effort was coming back I thought "Feck it". I think she knows that things aren't right but I don't thing she gets why. She just doesn't see her own behaviour at all which is why your line about not confronting is spot on.

rox5

I am going through the same thing too. I had a friend who was boy obsessed and I had to deal with the drama of it all for nearly four years. Then she got a boyfriend and that did it for me, because I just knew that she would want to go out with him all the time. Don't get me wrong, she still invited me out to stuff but I was so sick of being a third wheel during those nights out where she hooked up with guys and I did not want to be it again with her and the boyfriend. I tried ignoring her during the year but never worked, and then I actually decided to make the effort to try and meet up but she never sounded interested to me, so I've just given up now because I really don't have the energy for her anymore.

Want my advice on your friend? Don't focus on her as much anymore if she is like this, you are just gonna get hurt. Spend more time with other mates.

December2012

You sound like you're not happy for your friend to me.

She's not pulling back from you because of you, she doesn't have as much free time because she has somebody in her life now.

You on the other hand are pulling away from her.

Est28

December2012 wrote: »

You sound like you're not happy for your friend to me.

She's not pulling back from you because of you, she doesn't have as much free time because she has somebody in her life now.

You on the other hand are pulling away from her.

I know that this is the other side of the coin and without EXACT details it's hard to say this definitely isn't the case, but more often than not, thats not it.

I can only go off my own experiences as quite a few friends have done this in the past. If a friends meets someone new and it seems like the real thing then of course I would be happy for them. I also understand that they'll be spending time with this person and definitely not going on the tear as much.

But at the same time, any time I've been in a relationship, even if I now split my time, I try to make sure there's a good balance. I might not be out clubbing 3 times a week but I at least try to make sure I make 1 night for friends still. If it's not just a "lads" night then I'd try to bring my GF so that she can be part of the group, and it's not like a decision between her or them. If my friends see me do that yet still making time for them and her then they have usually been good about it, they don't see a change in me.

It's hen someone just sort of drops off the face of the planet. That's the problem, and like above, if you confront them they'll accuse you of not being happy for them or jealous or trying to split them up. None of which is usually the case but you can't help but feel used if a friend is always around when they are single but have zero time for you when in a relationship. It feels like you were just a means to an end and not a real friend which hurts.

Happened with one of my best friends, we even lived together at the time and it caused a real split. He totally changed. Needless to say when things broke down he was back looking for nights out but neither I nor our other friends had much time for him anymore. In that case, he didn't just cut contact, he actually burned a lot of bridges with us and it took a lot to really want to be friends with him again.

Crea

December2012 wrote: »

You sound like you're not happy for your friend to me.

She's not pulling back from you because of you, she doesn't have as much free time because she has somebody in her life now.

You on the other hand are pulling away from her.

You are dead wrong about me not being happy for her. Of course I am. She's met a really good guy after a pretty **** marriage and she is very happy. I am pulling back NOW after 6 months of it being ME calling in and phoning and getting nothing back. I have tried to keep the friendship going but when it's only 1 person making the effort there is a point where you feel you're being taken for a fool. I know it's natural that she will have less time for me but at this stage she has no time for me. I haven't called in for the past few weeks cause i've been up the walls but she hasn't even texted to see what's going on. I think she does't need me now to talk to or get support from because she has a very kind partner so i'm obsolete.

Merkin

I think you should say it to her. She is probably totally oblivious and is wrapped up in her own bubble. A bit short-sighted and selfish of her yes but if you have been good friends then I think you at least need to tell her why you don't want to be friends anymore. She may be shocked and amazed that you're feeling like this.

Like I say, sounds like she is totally caught up in the romance and you just need to tell her you feel a bit abandoned and hurt. If she cares for you she wouldn't want you feeling like this at all and she will realise she just needs to take her head out of her arse for five minutes and make more time for her friends!