Problems with inlaws

LegacyUser

Hi,
I am looking for advice as to how to dealt with problems with my in-laws. I live in a rural area which is surrounded by my in-laws, and their extended family. For the last few years, my mother-in-law has been using me as a scapegoat for all the problems that are going on within her family.

An example of this would be:
My husbands uncle was 90 a while ago, and all his family were organising a surprise 90th for him. There was problems in my husbands family, his sisters were suing their brothers, threatening to sue their mother over a will, so my husband was unsure whether or not to go to this big family function.

Out of the blue, my mother-in-law announced that she had made our excuses for us and we need not worry, she told them that I had organised a birthday surprise for my husband (it was his birthday too). Having been on the receiving end of my sister-in-laws angst for years, I felt sorry for my mother-in-law and went along with it.

I was in his cousins shop not long after the party and infront of her staff confronted me about this, saying that all her family missed the opportunity of a life-time to get a photo of the oldest and youngest member of the family together on his birthday.

That was a while ago, and I was told that my mother-in-law has since told the truth about what happened, I am now doubting that they did this. I went back into his cousins shop today as I wanted to ask her if she knew the real reason why he was not there. But I could not ask her as I felt that her place of business was not the place to ask, I know she confronted me there but 2 wrongs don't make a right.

There have been numerous issues like this so much so that I am very anxious about going out anywhere, even to the shops. At least my mother-in-law had told me about this "little lie", normally whenever I meet his cousins, I'm not sure what they are talking about or why they are being aggressive with me.

I look at our two lovely children and I am in tears most of the time. I cannot talk to any of my family about these problems as, two years ago my brother took his own life due to marriage difficulties.

I want to organise marriage councelling but my husband said it would have to be in a different county as he and his family are so well known in this county, and he would need to get time off work.

Sorry for such a long winded story, but if anyone could advise me I would be so grateful.
Thanks.

December2012

Some marriage counsellors take appointments by Skype.

Is your husband that famous that he literally can't go anywhere in his own county without being spotted?

jdsk2006

I totally sympathise with you really I do. I too am surrounded by toxic inlaws. There is only one solution to it all I'm afraid......move. Lock stock and barrel and never look back.
In the meantime just stay away. Keep well back and tell them nothing - especially your mil. You won't care so much when you stop caring iykwim

Why the marraige counseling tho? Is your dh taking sides?

LegacyUser

December2012
Thank you. I did not know you could do marriage counselling by skype.
No he is not famous, they are just a well known family.

jdsk2006
Sorry to hear your situation, but it is good to talk to someone who understands. After the first couple of little lies, I try to avoid them as much as I can, on this road alone there are 5 families related to him.

Selling up is not an option.

Any time I try to talk to him about these problems he gets aggressive, so I have to let it go and things get swept under the carpet and we have drifted so far apart.

They live to the back of us and use the area around our house as an extension of theirs. I would love to just have a bit of privacy.

Neyite

OP, posts can take a little while to be approved, so please be patient and dont keep posting the same posts.

jdsk2006

I know too well that all consuming suffocation you are feeling. I'm curious to know why your dh gets so aggressive when its brought up? Have you explained to him how that makes you fee? He should be majorly concerned about your happiness and wellbeing! I do wonder is that aggression due to him being unable to stand up against them and put them in their place do you think?
Gosh i really feel for you hon, i could write a book on it

jdsk2006

I know too well that all consuming suffocation you are feeling. I'm curious to know why your dh gets so aggressive when its brought up? Have you explained to him how that makes you fee? He should be majorly concerned about your happiness and wellbeing! I do wonder is that aggression due to him being unable to stand up against them and put them in their place do you think?
Gosh i really feel for you hon, i could write a book on it

LegacyUser

jdsk2006 wrote: »

I do wonder is that aggression due to him being unable to stand up against them and put them in their place do you think?
Gosh i really feel for you hon, i could write a book on it

Sorry Netiye.

jdsk2006
This is exactly the reason why I think we need counselling.

jdsk2006

Mmmm see it has to be hard on him too. However you cant continue to be living in fear of inlaws either. you may have to take some drastic action op

Calhoun

Op while i sympathise with you as i would be in the position your children are in i viewed it from that perspective, the only one that has the power to stop it are you and your husband.

You care way to much what these people think of you and are getting involved way to much in the family squabble, you need to consciously remove yourself from these and stand up for your own. Even if the MIL is treated badly by the family she still plays their game, do not involve yourself in it.

Second thing is if one of my wife's cousins dared speak to me or confront me in the way that your husbands did, they would be told where to go quick sharp and i would severely distance myself from them in the future. You know you are to familiar with a family when someone as distant as a cousin thinks they can speak to you like that (no one has the right to but a cousin lol). You need to stand up for yourself and stop letting these people treat you like crap.

Third is your husband, does he support you on allot of things or is he just digging his heals in while his family treat you like crap? If its the latter and he will not consider counseling or even will talk about it you probably need to ask yourself if this is acceptable? If not i would walk away with the children and leave him to rot in the hole he is in. I know that may sound harsh but if my wife left me to deal with that crap from her family and either didnt care or was digging her head in the sand and not trying to solve it together i would be pretty angry. Look at it from this point of view, right now they are taking it out on you but what happens when your kids are old enough to hear this crap.

Final point is it is very easy for me to sit behind a keyboard and to tell you what you should/shouldnt do, real life unfortunately isnt that black and white and solutions don't come that easy to us. Try start off small with babysteps by distancing yourself from them and get your husband to agree to make the house more private (put in a fence) what ever to keep them out. Then see where it goes but know when you can't do anymore and need to walk away, that may mean leaving your husband.

LegacyUser

Thank you for your help. I feel a bit stronger now than I did a few days ago.

Calhoun wrote: »

Op while i sympathise with you as i would be in the position your children are in i viewed it from that perspective, the only one that has the power to stop it are you and your husband.

You care way to much what these people think of you and are getting involved way to much in the family squabble, you need to consciously remove yourself from these and stand up for your own. Even if the MIL is treated badly by the family she still plays their game, do not involve yourself in it.

Second thing is if one of my wife's cousins dared speak to me or confront me in the way that your husbands did, they would be told where to go quick sharp and i would severely distance myself from them in the future. You know you are to familiar with a family when someone as distant as a cousin thinks they can speak to you like that (no one has the right to but a cousin lol). You need to stand up for yourself and stop letting these people treat you like crap.

Third is your husband, does he support you on allot of things or is he just digging his heals in while his family treat you like crap? If its the latter and he will not consider counseling or even will talk about it you probably need to ask yourself if this is acceptable? If not i would walk away with the children and leave him to rot in the hole he is in. I know that may sound harsh but if my wife left me to deal with that crap from her family and either didnt care or was digging her head in the sand and not trying to solve it together i would be pretty angry. Look at it from this point of view, right now they are taking it out on you but what happens when your kids are old enough to hear this crap.

Final point is it is very easy for me to sit behind a keyboard and to tell you what you should/shouldnt do, real life unfortunately isnt that black and white and solutions don't come that easy to us. Try start off small with babysteps by distancing yourself from them and get your husband to agree to make the house more private (put in a fence) what ever to keep them out. Then see where it goes but know when you can't do anymore and need to walk away, that may mean leaving your husband.

There is a fence going up this week, it should have been put up years ago but we never got around to it. During the last few days the difficulties have really dawned on him. Even simple everyday things, like when he is sitting down to eat his dinner with us his brother rings him to tell him that they have a dinner ready for him, so he has put a stop to all that. These are only small things but they add up, and can really get on top of you when you feel so alone.

I have decided that if any of his cousins confront me again, I will ring my husband and hand my phone over to them and tell them to say to him what they just said to me.

Thanks to everyone for listening and your suggestions.

And to anyone going through the same thing, I hope things get better for you.

Calhoun

adviceplease2 wrote: »

Thank you for your help. I feel a bit stronger now than I did a few days ago.



There is a fence going up this week, it should have been put up years ago but we never got around to it. During the last few days the difficulties have really dawned on him. Even simple everyday things, like when he is sitting down to eat his dinner with us his brother rings him to tell him that they have a dinner ready for him, so he has put a stop to all that. These are only small things but they add up, and can really get on top of you when you feel so alone.

I have decided that if any of his cousins confront me again, I will ring my husband and hand my phone over to them and tell them to say to him what they just said to me.

Thanks to everyone for listening and your suggestions.

And to anyone going through the same thing, I hope things get better for you.

Hey Op,

Only checking back on this now, its good your husband is starting to see what this is doing to your family but i am alarmed to see that they call him up to say his dinner is ready.

If i get this right up until now he has been eating his dinner with his family or sometimes with them? He does understand that you and the kids are his primary family now and the others come secondary? I sure hope so but if he has been eating with them until now its unacceptable.

Your doing right on the cousins but i would just tell them to mind their own business or go talk to your husband. I wouldnt even be dealing with them, id simply cut contact, life is to short to be dealing with assholes like that. I know you live close to them so this maybe hard but you just have to disengage from the crap.

I'm sure to maintain the status quo they have allot of family orientated events, one or other of them will be organizing it and everyone is expected to attend. Just start pulling out of it but make sure the kids do also, if your husband wants to deal with them let him on. It may seem unfair but do you want you kids around toxic people?

LegacyUser

Calhoun wrote: »

Hey Op,

Only checking back on this now, its good your husband is starting to see what this is doing to your family but i am alarmed to see that they call him up to say his dinner is ready.

If i get this right up until now he has been eating his dinner with his family or sometimes with them? He does understand that you and the kids are his primary family now and the others come secondary? I sure hope so but if he has been eating with them until now its unacceptable.

Your doing right on the cousins but i would just tell them to mind their own business or go talk to your husband. I wouldnt even be dealing with them, id simply cut contact, life is to short to be dealing with assholes like that. I know you live close to them so this maybe hard but you just have to disengage from the crap.

I'm sure to maintain the status quo they have allot of family orientated events, one or other of them will be organizing it and everyone is expected to attend. Just start pulling out of it but make sure the kids do also, if your husband wants to deal with them let him on. It may seem unfair but do you want you kids around toxic people?

The meal thing was a big issue for me. We don't argue a lot but we did have a big argument 2 weeks ago, he made a reference to him being a family man, I questioned whose family as he did not even eat with us, that's when that issue dawned on him.

With his own immediate family they are all at each others throats over a will so very few go to any family functions, but they never tell the truth about why they are not attending.

The situation with keeping my children away from them is tricky. I do not want my children around the toxicity but at the same time I do not want to stop them from seeing their Grandmother (it's their Grandmother and Uncle that live to the back of us).

My husband has agreed to counselling so we can talk all these things out. He was almost relieved when I brought it up this time. So there maybe light at the end of the tunnel.

Yourself and JDSK have been so kind to help me through this rough time. I can't thank you enough.

Calhoun

I completely understand on the meal thing, i was quite surprised when you wrote it up. Meal times are more than just consuming fuel, they are focal point and important socially for a family unit to spend time together. You are 100% in the right on whose family he thinks he belongs to.

In ways your husband needs to grow up, he can't have his cake and eat it. From what you have typed its like he wants the comfort of home with his own mother and a part time position as father/husband with your family. It sounds like hes been using his mothers place as a hideout intentionally or not and being under that parent/child influence is stopping him making grown up decisions that he should be making.

The relationship with the children is always going to be a tricky one, you will need to monitor it. You might have nothing to worry about but be ready to pull the plug on it if it gets serious. Anyway if its only the grandmother and uncle you want to keep in the childrens life that is easier as they are right behind you. From what you have said the main issue seems to be the more distant relatives.

Hopefully it all works out for you, best of luck with the counseling.