No sex in the city.

unhappykat

Hi folks
Sorry in advance for the long post. I would love some input as I don’t feel comfortable spilling my guts to my girlfriends and well, ye give some great advice.

My partner and I have been together for 5 years. I am early 30’s he is in his late 30’s. I love him so very much and we get on like a house on fire but we have some issues.

Our sex is completely unfulfilling for me and has been pretty much since the beginning. I would say I have a normal drive in that regard – I would be happy with two to three times a week (more if offered!) but he can let it go for sometimes four weeks. In the beginning we were a little more regular – once a week, sometimes twice, but that has dwindled.

My biggest issue in this however is that I have always enjoyed reciprocal oral. Over the years he has promised and promised and just never does this for me (even with the offer of reciprocation). He has however abused my trust in that a few times he has asked for me to look after him in that way and said he would do the same back for me (couldn’t at the time because it was my period) and as it transpires he never returned the favours. I felt rather cheated to be honest (not to mention incredibly stupid and humiliated). I am convinced that he isn’t into it however when I have said this to him he always insists he is and he wants to do this for me. I find this hard to believe as, to be fair, when you enjoy doing something, you find a way to do it, no?
This is no longer about the oral. It’s that he keeps breaking his word to me. We have been to counseling and he has insisted that he wants to do this for me and that he will. However, every year or so when he decides he wants to make an effort and do this for me, I am the one who has to get over the self-esteem issues this has created for me and let him at it. This situation has made me feel horrible about myself (I must be disgusting, right, because he doesn’t want me) so when he finally decides to make a token effort I am the one left feeling embarrassed and awkward, not him. And it always ends in him telling me this is a stepping stone and things are going to get better and we will do it more often. And that is never the case. And it makes me feel worse as time goes by.

Counselling made a difference to me but I don’t think it made much of an impact on him. Every couple of months I bring up the subject of our bedroom life and the pattern/script is always the same ; I cry (can’t help it as I cry when I am feeling emotional); I tell him I can’t live the life of a nun and that I want to be wanted. He nods and agrees he is not happy with the situation and says things will change. But they never do.

I recently suggested going to counseling again but told him I’d like him to make the effort to find the counselor this time (as he didn’t really like the previous one seemingly). He has done nothing to this end and it makes me feel he really just can’t be arsed to help fix this. I can’t fix this on my own.

Over the years I have tried everything I could think of to get things going. I have spent quite a sum of money on lingerie and toys; I have suggested and we have both paid for weekends away thinking a change of scenery would inspire him; I was the one who sought out and researched counseling ; I have tried being rational, I have tried begging, I have threatened to leave, I have left him alone about it for months on end thinking saying nothing may bring him around; all for nothing.

I am at my wits end now. I am in a relationship where I feel lonely and unwanted and I am desperately sad. I would love to hear from anyone with advice or anyone who has been in a similar situation but has been able to turn it around for the better. I do love him and I don’t want to leave unless I have done absolutely everything I possibly can to keep this going, but I am becoming less and less willing to let this keep ruin my self-esteem and self-image.

Thank you in advance and sorry for the ramble.

Merkin

Have you actually sat down with him and asked him if he wants to be in the relationship?

It could be a case that you're simply flogging a dead horse here and no amount of counseling/pleading/cajoling is going to change that? You sound desperately unhappy and while all your attempts to change things are admirable, any positive changes in the relationship have to be reciprocal and you both have to want the relationship to work.

Have you had that conversation?

unhappykat

Hi Merkin

Thank you so much for your response.

Yes, we have had that conversation and he assures me he wants to be with me which is why I find the situation so difficult. If he wants to be with me surely he'd make an effort?

Emme

OP, he says he wants to be with you but do you want to be with him? You don't sound happy. Do you get on well in other ways? You seem to be more like housemates than partners. However, your self esteem seems to be suffering because of your partners low sex drive.

He seems to be saying one thing in counselling but doing entirely another when he is with you. He obviously wants to be with you but seems unable to fulfil his part of the bargain.

I'm not being horrible, but could your partner be gay and trying to deny it to himself? Maybe he has a very stressful job or is asexual. Whatever the issue, you're not happy. Do you want children and have you and your partner discussed this? Would your love life facilitate the conception of children or are things too infrequent for that?

Merkin

unhappykat wrote: »

Hi Merkin

Thank you so much for your response.

Yes, we have had that conversation and he assures me he wants to be with me which is why I find the situation so difficult. If he wants to be with me surely he'd make an effort?

You're more than welcome I've always been a big believer in actions speaking louder than words. It's all very well him saying how things will change and how he is willing to put the work in but if nothing changes and he is not being at all proactive then what do those words actually mean? They are hollow if he then refuses and can't be bothered to actually put the work in to make the relationship a happy and successful one.

I'd also be very concerned about how unhappy you are and how this is clearly effecting your self-esteem. Any long-term committed relationship takes work but the work and occasional bumps in the road are far outweighed by the joy of being loved unconditionally, desired, listened to and supported and it seems like you're not the recipient of any of those things. I know you say you love him (which can come from familiarity etc) but what are you actually getting out of this relationship right now? What is this man providing you with on an emotional and physical level that makes it so hard to think of leaving?

December2012

You're in a rut now.

I'm guessing

- you want sex and oral sex but don't want to feel like you're demanding it - you want to be wanted
- his refusal to do it makes you feel unwanted
- he is probably petrified of the whole thing (losing you over sex / feeling inadequate about his crappy sexual performance) and so sticks his head in the sand and is trying to hide from the problem.

You both want to feel normal about your relationship and about your sex drives.

So if I were you, I would make an appointment with a therapist who specialises in couples and sexual issues. It doesn't matter who makes the phonecall really, does it?

You could do it, and then it's done and you guys can start to work out your problems.

Or you could wait and if he continues to hide (which his past traits suggest he will), you'll both feel worse.

Go do it and improve the self esteem of both of you.

unhappykat

Thanks everyone for your input.

We are happy in many other ways. We have great fun together and there is a lot of affection and love between us. I know he loves me. And he knows I love him back. We support each other and while we are in each other's pockets a lot of the time, we are fairly independent as well and enjoy time with our own sets of friends and sometimes we go on holidays separately (and sometimes we meet up on holidays when one of us can't get the same amount of leave from work etc). It's not that it's hard for me to think of leaving - to be fair I think of it often and I am currently exploring my options in that respect. I am not afraid to leave but I also love him very much and for my own conscience's sake, want to do what I can before finishing it.

I have been searingly honest with him about my feelings on the situation throughout and to his credit, he seems to listen (but not act upon) what I say.

Emme you have asked a very good question - do i want to be with him? Right now, I don't. I don't want to waste my time/life with someone who doesn't want me. He would make a great dad and if things changed I could see us having children together and being happy. If things don't change I wouldn't consider a family with him.

December 2012 - you have summed up the situation beautifully. It may seem childish but yes, it does matter to me who calls and looks for a counsellor. I feel as though I am the only one who puts effort into the relationship and I need to see him making an effort to save us. I am sick of babysitting a grown man and doing things for him in this respect. If he can't bother his hole to take an hour or two to find a counsellor suited to us, why should I stay with him?

December2012

Because you want to. You want him, just an improved version of him. You need to be an improved version too.

So be stubborn if you want to, but it will get you nowhere.

Do you want to be happy or right?

unhappykat

You're right December. I want to be happy. I just need to see him make an effort.

Merkin

unhappykat wrote: »

It may seem childish but yes, it does matter to me who calls and looks for a counsellor. I feel as though I am the only one who puts effort into the relationship and I need to see him making an effort to save us. I am sick of babysitting a grown man and doing things for him in this respect. If he can't bother his hole to take an hour or two to find a counsellor suited to us, why should I stay with him?

Have you set a timeline for this? I ask because it seems from his past form that he won't make that call so how long are you prepared to wait around for things to change?

unhappykat

We discussed it last week and he said he would look into it. He hasn't and it sparked a bit of a row last night. I told him last night that it is urgent and if it's not something that is set in motion ASAP that I couldn't stick around to wait for him to 'find the right time' to do it.

Taltos

unhappykat wrote: »

We discussed it last week and he said he would look into it. He hasn't and it sparked a bit of a row last night. I told him last night that it is urgent and if it's not something that is set in motion ASAP that I couldn't stick around to wait for him to 'find the right time' to do it.

Well OP with having said that - you now have a decision to make.
a) just let this continue, he will learn that despite what you say some part of you is happy or willing to just coast and anything that coasts just gets worse
b) follow through on your ultimatum, either pack his bags or your own next week. It might just prompt him to action - the question for you is will it be too late? If it's me, once I pack the decision to leave is made that's it, a fundamental change has been made to the relationship and while counselling may have helped it will now take a lot more for me to put myself in the same risky position.

For what its worth - your descriptions of self-loathing and impact to your self-esteem and self worth scream to me that you need help asap, I think you need to talk to a professional alone and soon. Now that might lead to you leaving or it might lead to you learning to cope better with what is missing from your relationship, but it's clear continuing as you are one way or the other is just going to continue to eat into how you view yourself and ultimately cause you to be bitterly miserable wondering what happened to you...

Merkin

unhappykat wrote: »

However, every year or so when he decides he wants to make an effort and do this for me, I am the one who has to get over the self-esteem issues this has created for me and let him at it. This situation has made me feel horrible about myself (I must be disgusting, right, because he doesn’t want me) so when he finally decides to make a token effort I am the one left feeling embarrassed and awkward, not him. And it always ends in him telling me this is a stepping stone and things are going to get better and we will do it more often. And that is never the case. And it makes me feel worse as time goes by.

I asked about timelines because of the statement above. This has obviously been going on for years. I'd advise you to set yourself an acceptable (and imminent) time limit and stick with it. You're only a young girl in your early 30s. Don't find yourself post-menopausal, childless and even more unhappy wondering where the hell your best years went to. You may have to come to terms with the fact that he is incapable of change and is unwilling to seek intervention and you will then need to walk away, regardless of whether you love him or not.

unhappykat

Thank you Merkin. That is exactly what I am afraid of. I am terrified of things not changing and realising I have wasted my life on someone who isn't bothered about me.

One of the kickers in this is that I would do anything for him if I thought it would make him happy, and not just in the bedroom. Knowing it doesn't go both ways makes it that much more crushing.

Merkin

unhappykat wrote: »

One of the kickers in this is that I would do anything for him if I thought it would make him happy, and not just in the bedroom. Knowing it doesn't go both ways makes it that much more crushing.

I'm sure it must be very hurtful. Thing is he probably does love you but he simple doesn't love you enough. And a happy, healthy and loving relationship should not make you feel like this I'd be sitting him down and telling him that it has come to this....you have to be prepared to follow through though.

LegacyUser

OP your post makes me terribly sad. Because I was you, several years ago. I had a sex drive of about twice a week (wouldn't have turned down more, either). My partner could go weeks without. He didn't even masterbate, he just had a low drive. He said that the longer it got, the less he even thought about it.

This crushed me. I cried a lot. He assured me that he did find me attractive, but I responded that I felt like a picture being admired in an art gallery - sure, it was pretty, but that didn't mean you wanted it.

This went on for about a year. I wondered if I'd made a mistake, even though I adored him. I looked forward into my sexless middle age and I was devastated for myself. I stopped getting undressed in front of him - he'd always look up and make appreciative noises, and each one was like a slap in the face. They meant nothing.

The difference between my guy and yours is that my fella eventually got very upset by my misery. He felt lousy all the time. He felt like a failure as a partner. He vowed to make me happier. He was prepared to talk about it - for example he said that evenings were a no-no, cos he'd be tired and just want to sleep and it felt like another task he had to do (I appreciated his honesty, but this was hard to hear - I was a task??!)

So basically he vowed to change, and I vowed to trust him to change. I was lucky as I said - he changed. He really stepped up. Now realistically that means once every 10 days. I have realised that that is the compromise. I struggled with this, of course. But as time as gone by and I have gotten older and our lives have gotten fuller, the 8 or 9 days in between seem quite short.

He still doesn't like nighttime....even if we have an early night he just wants to read. I have learned to let nighttimes go. But for example the other night there was nothing on telly at around 7 and he suggested we go upstairs. Then we come down again, watch some decent telly, and he still gets to unwind with a book later. But this has come about only because he's stepping up. Several years ago he'd just have kept watching The Simpsons.

He really takes it deadly seriously. That attitude alone has made the most difference. I really feel very loved and respected because of it.

Look. My point is this: it ain't easy even if they want to change. Its taken years for us. But I feel better than I ever have. I know that sex won't go away. I know that I don't always have to initiate it. And I feel wanted. (Incidentally, he is really enjoying our sex life - he feels less pressure, can be more spontaeneous, and feels good about himself as a man and a partner)

But if they won't change? God, I can't imagine the misery.

miec

Hi Op

I was in your situation, my ex had a low sex drive, I had a higher one. We could not make it work because he also had issues around sex and was unwilling to work through them.

You have a few options:
1) keep things as they are
2) leave him
3) take on a lover

unhappykat

Thank you so much for sharing Readingaloud. The outcome of your situation gives me hope for mine and is the kind of response I was hoping for in posting here.

And thank you miec. I can't imagine it was easy ending things. It won't be in my situation either but sometimes I don't see any other option. I do actually worry sometimes on nights out with my girlfriends that if I got a bit too drunk I might do something I regret. I get lots of offers but have always refused. Sometimes I worry that one day my resolve may not be so great and the attention from someone who finds me attracive may be too much to resist. I worry that if I stay in the relationship, a few years down the line may find me even more lonely, unfulfilled and who is to say I won't do something I shouldn't ? I certainly can't guarantee I won't go there, and I have told him this with very little in the way of feedback.

lufties

i split with my ex because the physical attraction was not there..this is a real problem, she is a lovely lass and really looked after me but i just wasnt feeling attracted sexually..its happened me a few times, i meet a girl and its going ok but i after a while it goes pear shaped because of i lose attraction...maybe i'm just shallow but i cant help how i feel, of course everyone wants the best woman/man the can get for themselves.

you should really consider moving on if your situation is not improving,it may be tough at first but you can live your life unhappy devoid of sex. life is too short.

Emme

unhappykat wrote: »

Thank you so much for sharing Readingaloud. The outcome of your situation gives me hope for mine and is the kind of response I was hoping for in posting here.

And thank you miec. I can't imagine it was easy ending things. It won't be in my situation either but sometimes I don't see any other option. I do actually worry sometimes on nights out with my girlfriends that if I got a bit too drunk I might do something I regret. I get lots of offers but have always refused. Sometimes I worry that one day my resolve may not be so great and the attention from someone who finds me attracive may be too much to resist. I worry that if I stay in the relationship, a few years down the line may find me even more lonely, unfulfilled and who is to say I won't do something I shouldn't ? I certainly can't guarantee I won't go there, and I have told him this with very little in the way of feedback.

OP, if you want to end things do it sooner rather than later. It's good that you get offers on nights out with your friends and it shows that you're attractive despite your boyfriend's problems. If his problems continue to affect your self-esteem you might do something you regret further down the line just to prove to yourself that somebody finds you attractive. Don't stay in a relationship that makes you miserable. The sooner you leave the better your chances of finding somebody who appreciates you.

If you stay another five years your chances of finding somebody will not be as good. You will have stayed five more years in an unfulfilling relationship and your chances of finding somebody else will be slimmer. So if you want to leave, go now and you will have five years to enjoy yourself and find somebody else in the process.

fungun

OP read other threads on here. there are lots of threads from people who started off with a healthy sex life that dwindled as kids and life got in the way. If its taking that much of an effort for him to have sex now when you have kids it will be 10 times worse. If you are already struggling with this, its telling. And I think you know what you need to do, but you just dont like it, as it will cause lots of upheaval for both of you

He needs an ultimatum. And before you give it, you need to decide whether you will see it through. (Do you have a friend to talk to about this?). And the results of the ultimatum needs to be judged on actions, not words.

Best of luck