My Sister Can't Cope, is she Mistreating my Nephew?

LegacyUser

I'm really worried about how my sister is coping with bringing up my nephew. I don't know what to do about it, if I'm honest.

I'll start by saying she adores him, she lives and breathes for him. His father isn't involved. He's 9 years old and they both live with my parents. I sleep at my parents house a couple of times a month so I've seen first hand what goes on.

She's a total pushover, she gives into his every whim to the point of it being unhealthy.

He cries over everything. If you ask him a question while he's watching telly, he'll cry cos you interrupted him. If you offer him food when he isn't hungry, he'll cry. He routinely ignores everyone in the house when they speak to him, and god forbid, they repeat the question, he loses it altogether and it turns into a fit of rage. If you look at him when he's having one of these moments, all hell breaks loose, to the point where my sister gave out to me earlier for looking at him because it made him go even crazier. My sister sees no issue with this.

If he's playing a game with his cousins and he loses, he cries. If he wants something they have and they won't give it, he cries. Sister then gives out to his cousins and because of that no one will play with him now.

He whatever and whenever he wants. He's never had a vegetable in his life. He has takeaway pizza every single night for dinner, no exaggeration. Its routine for him to eat 6 bags of crisps in one setting. His breakfast before school is a whole packet of jaffa cakes. His diet is appalling but once again, its her giving into him. He drinks fanta and coke all day long, will cry if offered water and won't drink milk either.

He still has a dummy and refuses to give it up. He also refuses to brush his teeth, sister doesn't make him so his mouth is literally deformed and his teeth are black.

He is also allowed to play 18+ games on the playstation, and has done since he was about 6. He plays Call of Duty, World of Warcraft and a few others I don't know the names of. He regularly threatens to blow people up if they do something he doesn't like and I think its from these games.

He has no bedtime and goes to bed when he pleases. It is now 1:13am as I type this and I can hear him in the next room playing the playstation. He's fully dressed and hasn't had his bath yet, my sister is sitting next to him, practically asleep sitting up, waiting for him to finish (which will be whenever he wants) so she can bath him and put him to bed because he won't sleep alone. It isn't uncommon for him to be awake until 2-3am on school nights.

Last night he was out playing on the street until half 12 at night, kicking a ball around, while my sister watched from the garden gate.

The funny thing is that his teachers report him to be bright, quiet, and friendly. Never ONCE has he misbehaved in school which leads me to believe that he knows this behaviour is wrong and that he would get in trouble for it at school. As a side note, he's had psychological testing done at the request of our parents and they found absolutely nothing wrong with him whatsoever.

My sister loves him but honestly, she's turning him into a monster. He isn't a pleasant child to be around and none of the children in the family will play with him because of it.

I got so frustrated tonight when she got mad at me for simply LOOKING AT HIM I said I was going to report her to social services, which I know is wrong, but I don't know what else I can do about this. We've spoken to her time and time again but she doesn't care, she just wants to give him everything he wants.

I honestly think that by giving him everything he wants she is neglecting his needs (ie. a healthy diet and sleep, never mind the behavioural problems) and I've told her she is mistreating him but she doesn't agree. She said he's a happy boy - which he is, until he doesn't get his own way.

Does anyone have any advice on what I can do?

LadyMayBelle

If you came to me with ths issue in my professional field I'd be very concerned. His Mother appears to be neglecting her parenting duties and as a result this nine year old boy is out of his depth and goodness knows how things will be once he becomes a teenager. Is Mum aware at all of his behaviour or blinded by exhaustion or what? Are other family members aware of what is happening; you say they live with your parents, so are they involved at all? Surely they must be ..

xzanti

I think the title of of your post is unfair tbh.. 'Mistreating' is the wrong word to use imho..

It sounds like she is just misguided and the child is mollycoddled to the point of it being very problematic for both her and him down the road.

I think this is a common problem in one parent families.. the child becomes almost like a replacement spouse and is treated like a grown up, staying up late and eating what they want etc..

Without trying to state the obvious.. she needs to wake up to what's happening and put her foot down. Kids need discipline and routine!

Merkin

If this kid isn't reigned in and looked after properly, goodness only knows what long-term repercussions it will have for him as he matures into adulthood. Still sucking on a dummy, being bathed by his mother, the inability to sleep alone, crying on que - it's like he is being babied and pandered to as if he were still a toddler rather than a prepubescent child.

I'd be really very concerned about his diet as well which could have direct links to his behavioural problems. All kids need is healthy food, bundles of love and security. Love doesn't equate to being over-indulged and every whim pandered to. He needs to be taught discipline and armed with the tools necessary to turn into a respectful and considerate adult. This clearly isn't happening.

I know you said that he has been assessed by a child psychologist but the medical profession isn't infallible. They sometimes get it wrong. Not all of them make an accurate diagnosis. I would seek a second opinion here as he is now at such a crucial age in his development, you will regret it if you don't intervene. Urge your sister to get a second opinion.

Also, where are your parents in all of this? I know he's not their direct responsibly but surely if the child is being raised under their roof they must have some input? What do they say when he has a full packet of jaffa cakes for his breakfast and fecks off to school with four hours sleep?

LegacyUser

I don't agree that mistreating is too harsh a word.

Letting his teeth rot because of giving him nothing but fizzy drinks and never teaching him to brush his teeth?
Feeding him nothing but takeaway pizza every single night, 6 bags of crisps in one sitting, jaffa cakes for breakfast!
Out on the street after midnight at 9 years of age.
No bedtime, allowed stay up until he wants.
Playing over 18 violent games.

Doesn't matter whether it is intentional or not, it still boils down to it being mistreatment.

It can take a lot of hard work to discipline and teach some children a routine.
Is it laziness or cluelessness that prevents your sister from doing so, or a bit of both?

There are several parenting classes available all around the country that might be able to help your sister. I think a lot are even free.

Maybe she needs some sort of counselling for herself too. She doesn't sound to have much of a life, lying by her son's side at 1.13am waiting for HIM to dictate when he's ready for bed so she can bathe him and dress him for bed (even though he's 9 years old) does not sound normal to me. She needs to get him sorted first, then forge her own in life and find out things that she enjoys and makes her happy.

A social worker giving her a helping hand might be no harm.
I had a social care worker of some sort myself as a child. He brought us to the beach and other fun places, helped with homework and did art with us. Lovely man and it gave my mum some help. She also got a couple of hours home hep which really helped her out a lot. Social services isn't always as bad as some people make out.

Honey-ec

Merkin wrote: »

I know you said that he has been assessed by a child psychologist but the medical profession isn't infallible. They sometimes get it wrong. Not all of them make an accurate diagnosis. I would seek a second opinion here as he is now at such a crucial age in his development, you will regret it if you don't intervene. Urge your sister to get a second opinion.

Also, where are your parents in all of this? I know he's not their direct responsibly but surely if the child is being raised under their roof they must have some input? What do they say when he has a full packet of jaffa cakes for his breakfast and fecks off to school with four hours sleep?

If I'm reading the OP correctly, it was the grandparents who sent him to the child psychologist?

I wouldn't be so quick to dismiss the original diagnosis (or lack thereof), tbh. There's a huge tendency to medicalise everything these days. Not every misbehaving child has a psychological disorder, and this one in particular just sounds like he's spoiled rotten, nothing more.

OP, I really don't know what else you can do here. Your sister is absolutely ruining this child, but if she refuses to acknowledge this and change her parenting style (and pronto), I really don't think there's a whole lot you can do about it. It definitely sounds like your parents could be putting the foot down a bit more, though. She and her son are living in their house, so they have the right to impose some rules, and I'd be starting with a set bedtime if I were them.

However, going on what you've told us about his behaviour, it sounds like even this small step would result in an absolute shitstorm of tantrums or crying. Both your parents and your sister have to be 100% committed to seeing any changes they make through. Unfortunately, it sounds like they're not prepared to do this, that they constantly just give in to him for the sake of an "easy life". Sadly, the fact of the matter that continuing to indulge his bheaviour is only going to store up a hell of a lot more trouble when he gets a bit older.

ETA: Would you consider showing her this thread? Sometimes when we hear something from family all the time, it just doesn't register, but seeing your post, with specific examples of how his behaviour is affecting your entire family, and how her neglect of him (even though she doesn't see it like that) is impacting his health, along with the responses from others, might actually make her realise that there's a huge problem here.

LadyMayBelle

I agree with Honey-ec on this one; there is that tendancy to 'blame the child' and over medicalise situations, when at the end of the day, what's lacking hugely in this circumstance is good enough parenting. Of course he is going to do better in school; there's routine, theres consistency, there's a nuturing atmosphere and BOUNDARIES. School's safe. Home is unpredictable. He's using a soother and using crying (the barest and babiest form of attention getting) to get attention, but in return he gets Jaffa cakes, crisps and no discipline. Children need it to feel secure.

I think she needs support and help, not from a judgemental approach. Maybe a parenting course as was suggested, but I do think someone coming in like an outreach support worker to help and be pratical and support Mum in learning how to parent. For whatever reason, she hasnt learned how to parent yet, and the effects will be detrimental. How much involvement do your parents have in his care OP?

LegacyUser

I think its laziness on her part. Its like she ran out of steam or something. She would rather give him what he wants than listen to him moan.

She feels sorry for him because he has no brothers and sisters, and because his cousins won't play with him. He does get lonely, I can see that myself, but by giving into him every time, she's making him more difficult for other children to play with cause he's so unreasonable and demands things are done his way.

He broke his tv in a fit of violent rage a couple of months ago (threw the playstation control at it and smashed the flat screen) and my parents were on the verge of kicking her out because my nephew then took over the family room to play his game, until my sister could afford a new telly for him. My poor old dad was banished from the room because my nephew said he was making him lose the game. How they tolerate it, I don't know.

My parents realise what's going on but they agree that its her child and she can do what she wants with him.They thought he might have been on the autistic spectrum, hence they paid for the tests to be done, but they came back that he was healthy and normal. They just want to keep the peace and are afraid she'll just leave with him some day.

Any time I mention it to my sister she accuses me of thinking she's a **** mother, tells me to mind my own business and that I'll realise how hard it is when I have kids myself.

I feel sick when I see him eating all the sweets. Its gotten to the point where he won't even ask me to get him some chocolate or a can of coke when I'm at their house because he knows I'll say no. He used to sleep at my house regularly to give her a break but pretty much went on hunger strike for the whole day when I wouldn't give him sweets or order takeaway, so I won't have him over night any more.

I'm tired of fighting with her over this. He just needs a routine and some discipline. I'm genuinely on the verge of ringing social services anonymously. I believe she is neglecting him by not feeding him properly or having a routine.

This is only going to get worse as he gets older.

Gatling

As a father of two I'd be very concerned ,
Mistreated would be a understatement I'd say its almost abusive to allow the situation to carry on as they are ,
Personally I've just finished a parenting course and I found it a great help ,
But this is more than basic parenting skills problems ,
Getting your sister to admit there is a problem won't be easy to me it sounds she's used to the easiest and quickest solution child crying feed it sweets and so on ,
I hate the idea of kids playing adult rated games and movies it completely distort's there idea of reality and consquences ,
Have you and your family looked into social services(just seen above )

Zen65

worried aunty wrote: »

This is only going to get worse as he gets older.

You may be wrong about this bit.

I know a single mother whose son behaved a little bit like what you've described, and I would have expected him to turn out to be a complete headcase as a teen. In fact he didn't, not because she corrected her ways, but because his friends eventually demanded that he alter his conduct to grow up.

So I think a great deal of what happens to him from here on is likely to depend on the type of friends he makes.

Z

clairefontaine

Is it burnout?

Is he possibly abusing her?

I ask because of the smashing tv incident.

Challo

Just to add - As per Child Protection guidelines, any person who has concerns about a child's welfare has a legal duty to report to the HSE.

beks101

I'd call Social Services if I were you.

This isn't a problem that's going to go away on its own. Your sister doesn't perceive herself to be doing anything wrong as a parent, your parents are enabling her/him and he's, quite frankly, a ticking time bomb. Wait til the hormones kick in.

Calhoun

Holy hell, I normally see these post and you get the usual ott brigade advocating the harshes route as first approach but I can't believe what I'm reading.

Your sister intentionally or not is both abusing him and by allowing him carry on like this , raising a very manipulative child. He's only 9 and knows how to emotionally blackmail to get his way, what's he going to be like when he's older .

On the other side then how will he cope when he's in a position where he can't control people what will he resort to then ?

I'd report if only to give him a chance at having a decent life.

LadyMayBelle

You can ask social services to protect your anonymity but with an assessment they will likely contact the school and GP and other family members for any concerns.

Trust me, I see kids now who were let away with all sorts as kids and the kickback when they hit teen years..yikes. Your sister needs support, and perhaps she is blinded because she is exhausted, there's an after effect of how she was reared and parented, and perhaps has her own issues to deal with. Contact social servcies; it's not all terrible, they have outreach support and clubs and parenting help; maybe your sister just needs a massive wake up call.

Floppybits

Zen65 wrote: »

You may be wrong about this bit.

I know a single mother whose son behaved a little bit like what you've described, and I would have expected him to turn out to be a complete headcase as a teen. In fact he didn't, not because she corrected her ways, but because his friends eventually demanded that he alter his conduct to grow up.

So I think a great deal of what happens to him from here on is likely to depend on the type of friends he makes.

Z

I have been reading this agog at the what is going on. The kid is just spoilt and knows how to carry on to get his way. I dont know why your sister has let him walk all over her but she needs to stand up to him and start taking control. She is going to destroy this kids life by not setting boundries and teaching him how to behave.

How does he get on with kids in school? Does he have other friends? With the way he behaves I couldnt see any other kids wanting to play with him if he is going to kick off unless its all about him, in fact I could see some kids bullying him because of his behaviour.

StillWaters

I think you should, together with your parents strongly urge her to go to her local Family Resource Centre http://www.fsa.ie/
They will have a range of supports such as parenting classes, lone parent support groups etc.

jimmycrackcorm

Op, why are your parents condoning the situation? They live with them and I'm surprised that they don't have the same opinion as you.

You say you stay over a few nights - is this at the weekends which might be different than school nights.

I'm not saying anything is right but just trying to get perspective.

LegacyUser

My nephews father wasn't the nicest man, he treated my sister very badly, to the point where she had to move home when pregnant to get away from him. He has no contact with either of them since then. My sister didn't deal with the break up well at all, and definitely struggled when he was a baby, I'd go as far as to say my mother raised him until he was out of nappies pretty much on her own.

Because of this my parents have a very close bond with him, they were more like his parents when he was a baby then my sister was.

They don't want them to leave because they're afraid my sister will get depressed again and that my nephew will go off the rails altogether. They are quite elderly now so having them in the house can't be good for them.

He has lots of friends in school and his teachers report him to be well behaved, mannerly and friendly, which once again enforces my opinion that he knows deep down his behaviour is wrong and cause he wouldn't get away with that kind of crying at school.

I stay at the house because I occasionally have work commitments that require me to be on the opposite side of town so staying in my parents saves me an hour long traffic jam in the morning, so I've seen first hand what he's like on school nights.

I went out last night for a few drinks, came home at about 2am to find him crying at the table because South Park was over. Sister was comforting him saying they'd buy a box set of it today. On closer inspection, I noticed there were no actual tears, he was simply screwing his face up and wailing. So I said "Your not really crying, stop pretending, your a big boy now". He roared at me to shut up, and my sister said "can you not even leave him alone for 5 minutes!". I just went to bed. Found out this morning after what I said he cried until he vomited because I dared question his crying. Sister isn't speaking to me today.

Totally at my wits end now. I'm going to try to have a serious heart to heart with her tonight about it. If she doesn't listen I'm going to ask our family GP (who is a family friend) if there is anything she can do. This can't go on. I'm ashamed to say it but even being around him is becoming difficult.

Chara1001

Yes i think you have to do something OP, you're right to have a proper talk before you take any action, best of luck with it and I hope she listens. If he remains unchecked, i can't even imagine what kind of teenager or adult he'll become.

Good luck

Honey-ec

worried aunty wrote: »

Totally at my wits end now. I'm going to try to have a serious heart to heart with her tonight about it. If she doesn't listen I'm going to ask our family GP (who is a family friend) if there is anything she can do. This can't go on. I'm ashamed to say it but even being around him is becoming difficult.

Seriously, OP, show her this thread. Seeing it all written down in black & white might get through to her in a way that a family member just saying it to her won't.

Sleepy

While I know it's wrong, honestly, if I was living in that house I couldn't say whose arse I'd aim the first kick at: the spoilt nephew or his gob****e of a mother.

What your describing here is child abuse. It may not be the more dramatic versions of a child being beaten or interefered with sexually but essentially allowing a child to raise itself is abuse.

Please report this to social services.

If your sister can't cope with being a parent, she shouldn't be one.

kylith

Would it be an idea to have one of his friends from school stay over for the night? I doubt if he'd act like that in front of one of his peers, and it might show his mother that it's all put on.

Either way I think his mother needs a crash-course in what is normal behaviour for a child that age, and crying because a TV show is over is something even a toddler would consider babyish.

MaxWig, read the charter before posting in PI again
thanks

Queen-Mise

I am with one of the above posters - it sounds more like an abusive parenting than mistreatment.

Your sister is not parenting, it is damage control rearing of a child - there is no parenting being done.

There is no teaching of how to control anger, teeth, sharing, caring, kindness, selfishness, cleaning up after himself, normal bed times.

Your nephew is not a happy child - children love routines, it makes them feel loved, safe, etc.


I'd ring a social worker or talk to someone in charge of a parenting course in Barnados etc, and get their advice. (Anonymously - and go from there)

You will be a bad cnut according to your sister for doing it, but to be honest this not about you. Your sister is out of her depth & has utterly lost all control of her parenting, and has no idea of how to get it back.
She will thank you (hopefully), maybe not for a long time.

flowerchild

I think that this is both sad, and tricky, for everyone involved. But I think decisive action to change the dynamic and what is happening for your nephew is needed.

He is a little boy and I am sure that he is loved, but not cleaning teeth and ending up with black teeth is catastrophic for his health and for his ability to form normal bonds with others - bad breath will start a cycle of teasing.

Similarly dinner very late or with packets of potato chips won't give him the nutrition he needs to grow big and strong.

The same with learning that bedtime is important.

But I wouldn't yell at or criticise or report your sister - apart from anything else, I have no faith that social services would actually help.

I would talk with her, and not just once. I would ask a series of questions, in a warm voice, and talk it over together. Questions like:

What result do you want?
What kind of mother do you want to be?
What prevents you being tough with him about teeth cleaning, a good dinner and bedtime?

Talk it through and actively help her learn new habits and unlearn bad ones.

Parenting is very demanding, but the rewards are tremendous. When you see a happy healthy little boy who behaves well and also has great fun you can feel fantastic about the hours of effort every day that have gone into creating that apparently effortless result.

We have a saying in our household - 'It is our "no's" that help bring out the best in us.'

And I think it is true. The idea of a child in charge is spine chilling. They need clear boundaries. But they also need buckets of love - all the time - whether they are good or bad. And after they have had a cuddle and love they can have the consequence for bad behaviour. Children are not foolish. They will 'get it' if you and your sister are calm and consistent.

Good luck. This is really important - for all of you.

a posse ad esse

Children are unique and not every child turns out alike being raised in the same environment-look at siblings for instance. What you described was no different than what our neighbours described growing up. There were 2 boys, one who died unfortunately from a hard life whilst the other brother who turned out the complete opposite. They essentially had a mother that let them do what they wanted.

Neglect is a form of child abuse. However, the issue may be how far social services are going to go to do something. The thing is I have known people who have reported anonymously and nothing changed. Lack of social services involvement probably had to do with the fact they were not battered and bruised, they were fed, clothed, went to school, etc. The fact is your nephew is well behaved at school, liked by teachers, has a roof over his head, clothed and fed (yes, I know it’s ****e).

You are best speaking to her with your concerns in a calm manner. See what is the root of the problem is. How is she without looking into her parenting style at all? Is she not able to cope in general? Why are your parents not doing much? Are they conflict avoiders? Something to look into as it seems to me she is avoiding conflict with her son. Perhaps learned behaviour in a more extreme manner? Counselling and parenting courses are good viable options. Your nephew will need counselling and some parenting courses have arranged activities with kids that help with forming a healthier appropriate parent-child relationship along with establishing boundaries.

You are better off speaking with a school psychologist for suggestions and a local agency that offers parenting courses first before embarking on social services. Go to social services only if there are no other options and your sister is belligerent in changing her ways. I think with social services being back logged with more severe cases of neglect or physical and sexual abuse along with budget cuts and lack of manpower that they may not do much at all. Social services would be the last resort if nothing else has worked. Other than what happened with a neighbour growing up, I have known people reporting cases where very little changed because it was not deemed unsafe by social services. Remember the economy is bad, and with slashed budgets and limited resources Social Services tend to focus more on more extreme cases of abuse. I work in a similar profession and at times can be demoralising.

LegacyUser

I know I'm 3 months late checking in on this thread, but I wanted to see if any progress could be made before reporting back.

I took to her all the things that were said here, and relayed it to her.

She has a complex about how her life turned out and she just basically lost the plot. My sister and I are two of five siblings, she is the only one without 3rd level education, a stable career, her own home, a partner, and financial security. She was also the only one of us to have a child out of wedlock, even though no one in my family cares about anything of the sort so its not like anyone held that against her.
Anyway, she basically started ranting and raving about how I thought I was better than her even though I don't have kids myself and how I should try it for a day and see if I can do better and so on.

She says she's had a shít life and I've made it even shítter by criticising her.

I asked her would she be willing to have him assessed if I was willing to pay for it, so she agreed.
The assessment showed up nothing, he is "normal" in every way a boy his age can be. Which basically proves my theory that he's simply a little brat and she's only enabling him.

After this I begged her to start feeding him healthier food. She said all he likes is pizza, chicken nuggets and coco pops and would I rather her child starve?

The poor child currently has the vomiting bug, and he's starving. Guess what she's feeding him? Double cheeseburgers from McDonalds. Because the poor crater is sick, and if she can't give him what he wants when he's sick, what kind of mother is she?

I keep telling her she needs to starve him until he stops vomiting but she persists. I won't even tell you what the house smells like. He's eating them, bringing them back up within ten minutes, and then she's off out to buy him another one. This has been for the last 3 days.

He has also started wetting himself when in a temper. It most recently happened last week when the internet cut off for about 10 minutes, he got so mad he said he was going to wee himself if the internet wasn't back within 30secs, and when it wasn't, he did it. Mum just laughed and continued trying to reset the box in vain. After the traumatic experience, she bought him a pellet gun the next day. A PELLET GUN! I don't even know where she got it!

Going to organise a meeting with his principal this week and hopefully she can steer me in the right direction. Its not his fault, I now see its all her. She is neglecting him and turning him into a horrible person. Its making me dislike both of them and it can't go on. I don't know what else to do short of ringing SS.

MaxWig

worried aunty wrote: »

I know I'm 3 months late checking in on this thread, but I wanted to see if any progress could be made before reporting back.

I took to her all the things that were said here, and relayed it to her.

She has a complex about how her life turned out and she just basically lost the plot. My sister and I are two of five siblings, she is the only one without 3rd level education, a stable career, her own home, a partner, and financial security. She was also the only one of us to have a child out of wedlock, even though no one in my family cares about anything of the sort so its not like anyone held that against her.
Anyway, she basically started ranting and raving about how I thought I was better than her even though I don't have kids myself and how I should try it for a day and see if I can do better and so on.

She says she's had a shít life and I've made it even shítter by criticising her.

I asked her would she be willing to have him assessed if I was willing to pay for it, so she agreed.
The assessment showed up nothing, he is "normal" in every way a boy his age can be. Which basically proves my theory that he's simply a little brat and she's only enabling him.

After this I begged her to start feeding him healthier food. She said all he likes is pizza, chicken nuggets and coco pops and would I rather her child starve?

The poor child currently has the vomiting bug, and he's starving. Guess what she's feeding him? Double cheeseburgers from McDonalds. Because the poor crater is sick, and if she can't give him what he wants when he's sick, what kind of mother is she?

I keep telling her she needs to starve him until he stops vomiting but she persists. I won't even tell you what the house smells like. He's eating them, bringing them back up within ten minutes, and then she's off out to buy him another one. This has been for the last 3 days.

He has also started wetting himself when in a temper. It most recently happened last week when the internet cut off for about 10 minutes, he got so mad he said he was going to wee himself if the internet wasn't back within 30secs, and when it wasn't, he did it. Mum just laughed and continued trying to reset the box in vain. After the traumatic experience, she bought him a pellet gun the next day. A PELLET GUN! I don't even know where she got it!

Going to organise a meeting with his principal this week and hopefully she can steer me in the right direction. Its not his fault, I now see its all her. She is neglecting him and turning him into a horrible person. Its making me dislike both of them and it can't go on. I don't know what else to do short of ringing SS.

I say this with the greatest respect, but at what point do you walk away?

Not completely of course, but to me, organising meetings with his principal is over-stepping boundaries big time.

She spoke to you about your own family dynamics, and feeling criticised by you. Well behaviour like this may prove her right. I understand your worry, but you have no right to get involved in the parenting of this child.

I'd back off.

He is not your son, why a principal would even see you is beyond me.

The child is being mistreated and as a family member I think it is their business.
I don't know what a principal would do, I'd be on to social, they might do something

ElleEm

Wow, OP, what a horrible thing for that boy to be going through. Your sister is failing him in so many ways.

In regards to seeing his principle? What are you hoping to achieve? You said yourself, he has no issues at school. Also, due to confidentiality, the principle should not really be discussing ANYTHING with you, especially without the consent of your sister. The principle cannot report neglect to any relevant bodies due to hearsay. You have had so much valid advice on this thread about who to contact regarding this, why aren't you following those avenues?

If your sister would be willing to attempt to address her parenting issues, the you should look into Family Support Services. You should be able to get the info from your local health office. If you have a local family centre, contact
them. If not, then the only other option would be to report her to the local Duty Social Worker team.

Edit- it is so important that you and the rest of the family support your sister in this. She clearly isn't in the best frame of mind, and feels judged about her abilities. She needs for you not to judge her, but to come more from a supportive assisting place. Try to make her see how all of this is to help herself and her son get on better and live in a less stressful way.

It is great that you want something to be done to help this kid, but no amount of talking about it will help. You need to contact the relevant professionals.

Merkin

worried aunty wrote: »

I asked her would she be willing to have him assessed if I was willing to pay for it, so she agreed.
The assessment showed up nothing, he is "normal" in every way a boy his age can be. Which basically proves my theory that he's simply a little brat and she's only enabling him.

Who exactly conducted this assessment? Was it with a qualified child psychologist? If not, any kind of quack can set themselves up as an "expert" in any given field. I know someone with a child who had severe behavioural difficulties who was sweetness and light through assessment/diagnosis process until his Mother, in complete despair, decided to tape one of his regular tantrums. It was finally concluded that he had a lower than average IQ and ADHD. Did you consult your family GP about this? Pissing his pants in a fit of rage over something so incidental is NOT normal. He's going to have the life kicked out of him in school if this behaviour is let slide.

Big Bag of Chips

OP, like other posters, I don't see any point in going to the principal. They will not (or at least should not) discuss the child with you.

Are you hoping to hand the responsibility of reporting her over to someone else, rather than have to do it yourself?

If you genuinely want to do something then YOU have to report her, and you have to be prepared to accept any consequences of that. A social worker won't take her son off her. Bad and all as you think the situation is there are children in much worse situations who need to be protected ahead of your nephew. But, if a social worker is called in they will help your sister. They will work WITH her, rather than against her. To be honest, they might not even feel it necessary to assign her a social worker, but instead might recommend a parenting class for her.

3 months ago, you were given lots of advice. You are back now and things have not moved forward at all... They've I'm fact gotten worse. And being honest, as a family, you are ALL guilty of allowing this go on for too long.

Either back off and leave your sister to make her own mistakes (the child seems fine in school and capable of interacting with his peers there, so he is aware of what is and is not acceptable) or contact a social worker and go from there.

You have no business going to the school.

pwurple

Sounds exactly like the route one of my friends children is going down. She isn't a single mum, but works crazy hours, and her boyfriend is the primary parent. He couldn't give two tosses about the kid, sits him in front of a computer game or TV all the livelong day, with junk food. This young fella (5) a total little plonker to his cousins, doesn't get enough sleep and is generally an annoying human being to be around for everyone else.

I don't think social are going to take a tap of notice of you. He's fed, he is alive, no broken bones. And he is fine at school.


He's just being allowed to grow into a total asshole by his parent. It's not a crime, the world is full of child and adult assholes.


I don't think you can do anything else. Nagging her or him won't help.

Children don't ever starve themselves by the way. They will moan and whinge and throw tantrums, but they will eat food when they are hungry. You'll find parents of picky-eater children are usually totally convinced that if they don't give in, the child will actually starve. No-one wants to starve a child they love.

Sleepy

So, it's been 3 months and you've basically done nothing? I don't know if there's such a crime as "accessory to the neglect of a child" but by failing to report your sister to social services, you're morally if not legally at fault at this stage in my opinion.

When she was demanding that you try it for a day did you offer to take him for a week or two? Proving to her that not giving into his tantrums won't result in him starving himself could be a very good first step.

Ultimately, it sounds like he'd be best off out of her care anyway as she seems so bitter about the consequences of how she's chosen to live her life, she clearly hasn't learned to take responsibility for her own actions yet, nevermind to teach a child to do so.

freshpopcorn

I don't think the principal of the school can tell you anything to be honest, because the principal can only discuss the child in front of the mother/father/guardian generally.
If the child was to be assessed their is a good chance the teachers would have picked up on it by now. I also think the teacher might have to get permission to have their child assessed and if the mother said no. It would be hard for it to be done.
It might also be hard for social services to do much because once the child is in school/being feed/not being physically/sexually abused their isn't a lot they can do. The thing is it might not be healthy to feed your kid loads of fast food/dunk food and just the leave them watch tv. Its not exactly against the law.

username123

Big Bag of Chips wrote: »

Either back off and leave your sister to make her own mistakes (the child seems fine in school and capable of interacting with his peers there, so he is aware of what is and is not acceptable) or contact a social worker and go from there.

You have no business going to the school.

+1

I personally think your level of interference in your sisters parenting is not constructive. If you think the child is being neglected, then report it to the proper authorities. But otherwise, stop getting involved because all you seem to be doing is criticising and inappropriately interfering (it is not appropriate for you to speak to the principal and i stongly urge you not to do that) as opposed to offering help.

Queen-Mise

username123 wrote: »

+1

I personally think your level of interference in your sisters parenting is not constructive. If you think the child is being neglected, then report it to the proper authorities. But otherwise, stop getting involved because all you seem to be doing is criticising and inappropriately interfering (it is not appropriate for you to speak to the principal and i stongly urge you not to do that) as opposed to offering help.

I agree with this - you are criticising/judging without giving her practical help. Get her some parenting books. Arrange to see that guy that is on Irish television about parenting kids.
Show her this thread, print it off and give it to her

Ring a Social Worker or Barnados, and ask advice.

And OP - if you think that your sister isn't doing any permanent harm to her son then you are deluding yourself.

The illnesses, and bowel complaints that child will have in life, and how much his body is run down at the moment is probably already shocking.
Does he get enough Iron? Calcium? Fibre? What about his vitamins or minerals? What will his bones be like growing with not enough calcium? What state are his teeth in?

Missus - you came here for advice/suggestions. Take them.

thefeatheredcat

There are a number of things your sister really needs such as parenting classes that are interactive and constructive akin to Supernanny on how to handle this child she has been a doormat for and enabling for far too long. She also really needs counselling (and support) for herself re her own issues between the end of the relationship with the child's father and the depression that followed and her issues surrounding her self esteem that has led to her being a doormat to a child. In many ways, I'm actually relieved she's not in a relationship because I think she would simply end up a doormat in that too. If she's letting a child walk all over her, chances are she would an adult she is in a relationship with too.

I'd say about a year ago my parents and I were driving through a main street of a town, looking for something. My mother had spotted a almost naked boy of about 3/4 running down the street, tossing off bits of his clothes as he ran. Waaay behind the boy was the parent frantically running along pushing the buggy at the same time.

My mother got out of the car, ran across the road and grabbed the child just as he had got to a junction of the road. The child was about an inch from getting run over. My mother gave out to the boy. When the mother of the child arrived, she gave out hell to her. Why? Because bad parenting in not being able to control a child nearly cost the child his life, an accident and probably some burden upon a driver who could have rolled over him. To me, that intervention on behalf of my mother is the most heroic thing she has done for someone else. I've no idea how that mother fared afterwards but I hope she copped herself on.

You sister needs to cop on and stop enabling her child and being a doormat, giving in to his every whim probably out of misplaced guilt or her own poor self esteem and her inadequate life she has out of choices she made. She defends her child, his behaviours and her enabling any time you see through the tantrums. To me, it sounds like she wants to stay in denial about it and not do anything about it. But that means her own life will stay as crap so long as she wants it to.

And that's it, she's not willingly going to change. You have a big talk with your sister and she brings up about how crappy her life is in comparison to you and other siblings, yet is she doing anything about it? I don't know if counselling should come first or parenting classes, or both at the same time, but certainly she needs both. And I doubt either one will be done by her own choice as she sounds happy to leave the situation as is, for her to wallow on how crappy her life is than to do anything about it with a child walking all over her.

I personally think if you went to SS or others mentioned, regardless of what happens, I think you'd be doing her a favour, because there is no incentive or will or desire on her part to do anything about it all, except continue on. And I think you have to make a choice for yourself to either call the right people to get her help, or walk away.

Taltos

OP I think it is clear what needs to be done here, if not after three months then allowing this thread to continue isn't going to help.

Wishing you all the best
Taltos

Thread closed, before a well meaning poster crosses the line out of frustration