need opinions please!!

allison23

Hello and thank you to all who take time to read and respond. I have been married for 20 years and we have always been very much in love, however, Over the past few years there have been some major problems. To cut this story short I will get right to the point of what is going on at this moment. I have reason to believe that my husband may be cheating or trying to cheat. He works out of town and if this is the case I would probably never find out. I decided to see what he might do if faced with the opportunity so I had a friend text him as another woman. Well, he went for it. After a few days he was telling this girl how he couldnt stop thinking about her and he wanted to meet her. I confronted him (not revealing who it really was) and he said he thought it was me and was playing along. He said he would stop texting her but he didnt. He even told her he wanted to plan a weekend getaway with her. I pulled phone record and confronted him again (still not revealing who it was). This time, he admitted to it but still lied about some of the content of the texts. He did however say I would consider some of it inappropriate. He admitted he was wrong, apologized and said he would end it. He even sent "her" a text saying he couldnt talk to her anymore because he was working things out with his wife. I dont have anyone that could meet him to see if he would really go thru with this, so I guess this is the end if this experiment.
Should I trust that he will be faithful? Is this considered emotional cheating?
What is my next move or do I have a next move? Should I just let it go and trust him? I am so confused. Where do I go from here? Please help!!!!

Czarcasm

I'll be honest OP, I'm not usually so short, but you, your husband, and your friend who assisted you, sounds like you all deserve each other, acting like a trio of drama llama teenagers.

allison23

well sometimes you do what you have to do. My concern now is what to do. This is my life and to me its serious. Maybe there is someone out there that can help?

Gin77

Entrapment! I agree with last poster

tinkerbell

OP, the fundamental part of a relationship is trust. There is none in your marriage. I would suggest marriage counselling. I think it's disgraceful that you tried to trap him also. You either trust him or you don't. Get counselling together or end the marriage, you already said there were major problems in your marriage anyway.

P. Breathnach

OP, do you think you had a good reason to ask your friend to perform this exercise or was it, as lawyers would term it, a fishing expedition?

allison23

ok, setting a "trap" to catch him in adultery makes ME wrong??? come on guys!!!

Boombastic

You don't trust your husband. Why are you with him?

Czarcasm

allison23 wrote: »

ok, setting a "trap" to catch him in adultery makes ME wrong??? come on guys!!!

OP really there's no wrongs or rights in that sorry situation tbh. I mean, you don't resort to such juvenile and insecure behaviour with somebody you've been very much in love with for 20 years. You sit them down and talk to them, express your concerns in an adult fashion.

That at least gives you both the chance of working on your marriage and coming up with ways to repair your marriage rather than running away from the problems within it and allowing that chasm of mistrust and insecurity to fester to the point where you draw a third party into the mess, and when that doesn't work, you seek the advice of strangers on the internet.

What is stopping you actually communicating directly with your husband instead of playing junior detective and feeling so smug about yourself because you were able to prove yourself right?

Which is more important to you - Saving your marriage, or seeking more ways to prove to yourself that you are indeed married to a gobshìte?

I'd respectfully suggest that there's no saving this marriage as it's gone beyond redemption for both of you, and it won't be long even if you did go to counselling that the insecurity would set in again and your husband will again "fail" your, erm, "test".

Where's the happiness, or joy, or enriching each others lives, supporting each other in that? You'll both just continue to resent each other and make each other miserable, filling the unending boredom with silly little dramas every so often just to make your lives more exciting.

fungun

Agreed - seriously, things go in cycles; he could well be going through a bad relationship patch. If you think your partner might be less interested in you, Id be thinking its time to make more of an effort and get things back on the straight and narrow - not see how far he would go.

Taltos

Czarcasm - please read our charter before posting again.
If you have no constructive advice to offer you are asked not to post. Also name calling is verging on personal abuse here, an action viewed very dimly and usually resulting in immediate bans.

Gin77 - welcome to PI/RI. As a new poster please take five minutes now to read our charter. Due to the types of issues posted here this forum is strictly moderated and any rule breaches are dealt with in a very by the rules manner.

Thanks
Taltos

December2012

Infidelity is usually a sign of a different problem in a relationship.



I'm guessing in your case the problem is lack of communication, trust, affection and maybe sex?

You now have a chance to stop the rot and get it out.

If I were you I would immediately arrange some relationship counselling for you both, and of course discuss this with your husband.

You can bring up your worries but he will be allowed to bring up his too. Eg what brought him to the point of almost cheating?

allison23

Thank you December. I appreciate you being understanding and trying to help!!