Am I being unreasonable?

Aint Eazy Being Cheezy

I booked a holiday for later on this year with three close friends and one of the lads girlfriend. A family member of mine recently died, which hit me hard, and i'd been looking forward to a quiet, relaxing holiday.

Now this friends gf is extending open invitations to all her friends and acquaintances, looking to turn the whole thing into a bloody spring break.

Im in the horrors, I've spoke to my friend (her bf) and he's saying I should tell her myself. I barely know the girl. I just feel like cancelling the whole thing now even though i'd lose out financially.

Not sure if it makes a difference but the couple only booked last week, everyone else booked months ago.

Im grateful for your opinions.

askU

more the better? Why not!?

Aint Eazy Being Cheezy

askU wrote: »

more the better? Why not!?

Usually I'd agree but Im still grieving, and I don't fancy a fortnight long piss up.

Forever Hopeful

Johnny Electricity wrote: »

Usually I'd agree but Im still grieving, and I don't fancy a fortnight long piss up.

Op, I am sorry for your loss but its your friends' holiday too...they want to have fun and go on the piss. You don't have to. Apologies for being blunt but do you expect your friends to spend hard earned cash on a trip holding your hand? You can have the holiday you want, they'll have the holiday they want and somewhere you'll meet in the middle.
I'm sorry you are still grieving but that's about you, not them.

Aint Eazy Being Cheezy

Forever Hopeful wrote: »

Op, I am sorry for your loss but its your friends' holiday too...they want to have fun and go on the piss. You don't have to. Apologies for being blunt but do you expect your friends to spend hard earned cash on a trip holding your hand? You can have the holiday you want, they'll have the holiday they want and somewhere you'll meet in the middle.


I'm sorry you are still grieving but that's about you, not them.

Fair point, but we did agree before booking to take it handy and keep it low key.

StillWaters

If your other friends are ok with this there is really nothing you can do. Can you get one of the new people invited to buy your ticket/hotel room if you are not feeling up to the holiday?

Aint Eazy Being Cheezy

I don't think Id mind at all if the people she was inviting were sound, sensible ones who I knew and liked. But their not, their ****ing clowns.

I know Im coming across as bitter, and a killjoy and that's really not me. I just feel like my holidays been hijacked by a bunch of junior cert students and by the look of it I'll have to put up with it or stay home.

MissFlitworth

I'd be a bit put out if my holiday was suddenly going to involve a rake of people I didn't know or get on with. Whether that's reasonable or not I don't know, it's just the kind of person I am (the delights of being an introvert) so can understand where you're coming from. Your friend's girlfriend might not be doing this in an asshat-ish manner though, it could just be for the joy of spending time in the company of people she likes and in the heat of the moment of planning her holiday so if you were to approach her to just say that you really wanted this holiday as a chance to relax because you're still dealing with losing someone [and sorry for your loss btw] she might slam the brakes down on the open invites? Failing that could you get the same flights but organise separate accommodation for yourself so you can meet up with people when you want to?

Chucky the tree

Why not do your own thing on the holiday? You won't be forced into socialising with them.

ManOfMystery

It's a bit of an awkward situation - you can't dictate how they'll spend their holiday, but at the same time you can't be expected to go on a 2-week bender if you're grieving and your heart's really not in it.

I think the best solution is to sit down your close mates and explain that you're looking forward to the break with them, but you're still a little fragile emotionally so they shouldn't hold it against you if you spend a bit of time alone on the holiday - it's nothing personal, you just need self time. And when it comes to the holiday itself, try and balance your 'downtime' with your party time so it doesn't seem like you're being totally distant. I know it may seem like the last thing you want at this point, but actually going with the flow and just trying to enjoy yourself as part of the group may be a great help in getting through the grieving process.

Hopefully there's a middle ground here somewhere.

Lorna123

I think it is a bit of a liberty to tell you the truth. You organized this with 2 other mates and now it is turning into a circus. I would be pissed off if this happened to me. I would probably cancel it if I were in that situation, or else find someone else to go on holidays with.

FouxDaFaFa

I prefer travelling with people I know and trust or alone.

I think it was pretty rude of your friend's girlfriend to go ahead and invite so many people without consulting you, especially since she's not the one who initially organised the trip.

I doubt it was malicious but I do understand why you're annoyed.

LegacyUser

Hi there, you poor thing that does not sound like fun at all, perhaps you could sit your pals down-particularly the guy that's bringing his girlfriend and suggest that they get separate accommodation so that where you're staying wouldn't have to be party central? That way when people want to party they could go to that room/apt, and when they want to chill they could go to where you guys booked?
I don't know the ins and outs of it, but I really feel your pain, I wouldn't like it if someone hijacked my holiday either if I had planned some down-time.
Hope something works out for you.

cloudatlas

Your friend's girlfriend sounds overbearing. Without consulting the original organisers she decided to invite a load of people you don't know. That is incredibly rude. She is a guest of your friend and took some liberty inviting a whole crew of people in order to make her feel more comfortable. I don't know why your friend can't just man up and tell her.

Personally I wouldn't want to save a hell of a lot of money and holidays from work to spend my time with strangers. There is club 18-30 for that kind of thing.

Talk to your friend and the other organisers and tell them it's out of order to do this without consulting you first. :mad:

I don't think it's your friend's girlfriend's fault, it's your friend's fault. He knew the type of trip you guys were planning, he agreed to it all, and he clearly hasn't explained this to his girlfriend. Then when you air your concerns to him he tells you to talk to her yourself? That's extremely insensitive.

He's the one I'd be having words with to be honest, and if that doesn't solve anything, go on the holiday, but don't feel you're obliged to spend time with them - you can still take time to yourself.

LittleBook

Johnny Electricity wrote: »

I booked a holiday for later on this year with three close friends and one of the lads girlfriend ...we did agree before booking to take it handy and keep it low key. The couple only booked last week, everyone else booked months ago

Johnny Electricity wrote: »

Now this friends gf is extending open invitations to all her friends and acquaintances, looking to turn the whole thing into a bloody spring break. I barely know the girl ... I feel like my holidays been hijacked by a bunch of junior cert students

Johnny Electricity wrote: »

I've spoke to my friend (her bf) and he's saying I should tell her myself.

Even taking your bereavement out of the equation, I think your friend is being a bit of a dick. You and your two friends booked a certain kind of holiday and now this third guy and his girlfriend are coming along and completely hijacking it with a bunch of strangers. Have I got that right? What do your other two friends think?

It's possible no-one else has even booked yet (or ever will!) so I'd talk to your friend again if I was you, it's not up to you to deal with his girlfriend.

Otherwise just do what Chucky says and keep your distance from that group.

Est28

A holiday is a holiday.

If it was a quiet retreat then you'd have told them up front but a summer holiday implies people will do as they feel like on holidays.

What they do isn't your worry anyway. I hate saying you're out of order but you have the option to just do your own thing while there and not party if you don't want... or go to her now and be up front.

The problem is that if this was a getaway for you to grieve then you should have told them, I'm guessing you dressed it up as a holiday to make them want to go and this is what happens so it's kindof on you now to do your own thing.

December2012

Realistically how much time will you all have to spend together? You don't have to go to the same pubs / clubs, etc.

They won't be in your room.

Realistically, how much if this is misdirected grief and anger?

Aint Eazy Being Cheezy

Est28 wrote: »

A holiday is a holiday.

If it was a quiet retreat then you'd have told them up front but a summer holiday implies people will do as they feel like on holidays.

What they do isn't your worry anyway. I hate saying you're out of order but you have the option to just do your own thing while there and not party if you don't want... or go to her now and be up front.

The problem is that if this was a getaway for you to grieve then you should have told them, I'm guessing you dressed it up as a holiday to make them want to go and this is what happens so it's kindof on you now to do your own thing.

You're guessing wrong. I was pretty clear about my plans and booked a quiet resort. The ones expecting a clubbers paradise are more than likely going to be disappointed.

Stavro Mueller

What sort of accommodation did you book? An apartment? Where will all these people be staying? Is there a danger that your place will become party central?

Est28

Johnny Electricity wrote: »

You're guessing wrong. I was pretty clear about my plans and booked a quiet resort. The ones expecting a clubbers paradise are more than likely going to be disappointed.

I mean, it is what it is.
This is just kinda what happens... if you don't want them there then you need to be clear about it.
Any sort of a "social" thing, people assume is open to all.

Sorry to make more assumptions but if they are making their own arrangements then surely you have different rooms or accomodations? Wouldn't the groups just all get together for activities like going out, which you don't have to be part of anyway if all you want?

I mean, I'm sure your friends mean well but I doubt they booked a holiday to stay in wallowing away to themselves.

Aint Eazy Being Cheezy

Est28 wrote: »

I mean, it is what it is.
This is just kinda what happens... if you don't want them there then you need to be clear about it.
Any sort of a "social" thing, people assume is open to all.

Sorry to make more assumptions but if they are making their own arrangements then surely you have different rooms or accomodations? Wouldn't the groups just all get together for activities like going out, which you don't have to be part of anyway if all you want?

I mean, I'm sure your friends mean well but I doubt they booked a holiday to stay in wallowing away to themselves.

I don't like the way you call it "wallowing away to themselves" but when we were booking the holiday I said I hadn't much interest in partying and we'd try find a resort with activities such as mountain biking, jet skiing, hill-walking and places of interest.

So that's what we did, we were specific in what we wanted to the travel agent. I know these extra people who have been invited have no interest in these activities, they want to booze, so not only will they be disappointed when they see how far away we are from "bar street" they're gonna be stuck round the hotel all day.

Aint Eazy Being Cheezy

cymbaline wrote: »

What sort of accommodation did you book? An apartment? Where will all these people be staying? Is there a danger that your place will become party central?

Possibly. And I would feel bad sitting around with a sour face on, when others are trying to enjoy themselves but my heart just wouldn't be in it.

Est28

Johnny Electricity wrote: »

I don't like the way you call it "wallowing away to themselves" but when we were booking the holiday I said I hadn't much interest in partying and we'd try find a resort with activities such as mountain biking, jet skiing, hill-walking and places of interest.

So that's what we did, we were specific in what we wanted to the travel agent. I know these extra people who have been invited have no interest in these activities, they want to booze, so not only will they be disappointed when they see how far away we are from "bar street" they're gonna be stuck round the hotel all day.

Why can't they go drinking while you go mountain biking?
I'm not really seeing why it's such a tremendous problem. I think you're creating a bigger problem than it really is out of not getting your way.

Doesn't anyone else involved get a say in it besides you?

Aint Eazy Being Cheezy

Est28 wrote: »

Why can't they go drinking while you go mountain biking?
I'm not really seeing why it's such a tremendous problem. I think you're creating a bigger problem than it really is out of not getting your way.

Doesn't anyone else involved get a say in it besides you?

Which is why my thread is entitled "am I being unreasonable". It's clear you think I am, although not everybody does. Thank you for your input.

kiffer

Johnny Electricity wrote: »

Which is why my thread is entitled "am I being unreasonable". It's clear you think I am, although not everybody does. Thank you for your input.

If she'd invited one or maybe two people then maybe you'd be unreasonable but basically she's totally changing the nature of the holiday and is messing the group dynamic around.
As for the idea that the more the merrier... that is a bit off... it's like a party that gets out of hand. You start off going " I have a free house, I'm a bit down, I'll ask 4 friends to come over and have a nice evening chatting, have a few drinks and watch a movie or something" and then someone gets crossed signals and tells their mate to come to a free gaff... and one would be ok but then he tells another few and suddenly there's 50 people on your lawn...

That's a bit alarmist as for a holiday you wont get that many and honestly the people that show up might be awsome...
Talk to her.
Her boyfriend is right and wrong, you should talk to the person you have a problem with, but he should have already told her it's not that kind of holiday...

Esoteric_

Her boyfriend should be talking to her, not you. It's selfish that he's expecting you to do it.

You made it clear that you didn't want a drunken holiday, you wanted an activity holiday, and they agreed to that. Her inviting a load of friends along is ridiculous in my opinion. I wouldn't do that if I were invited on holiday with my boyfriend and the lads. I'd ASK if I could bring ONE friend, so that if I wanted to go boozing some nights, i'd have company, and wouldn't be monopolizing my boyfriend's time, but bringing a gang and trying to turn it into a big píss up is completely unfair. I don't think you're being unreasonable at all tbh.

December2012

I'm hissing though that your friend does want a boozy holiday, otherwise he wouldn't have invited his girlfriend / friends.

Starokan

I think if I were in your shoes I would probably try and find a way out of this holiday, its apparent that some of the people that are now going are not the type of person you wish to spend time with & I think thats more the crux of the issue.

If it was simply the whole boozing aspect of the holiday you can simply not go out every night or end your night early. I cant see anyone having an issue with that.

Is there any possibility of getting money back or selling the trip to someone else who is looking to go.

If you do go , I would suggest that you contact the resort and obtain a room of your own if you are sharing as if that person is out all time it could spoil your own downtime

Do I think you are being unreasonable no i dont, you want a certain type of holiday and your entitled to that. The problem is that people are fluid and you cant impose your own desires on others. I accept when you booked that you stated clearly what you wanted from this , unfortunately what the others want has changed and its a difficult one for you as if you voice your opinion you become the person who is spoiling it for everyone.

Were it me I would only go on holidays with people whose company I enjoyed