sperm from ex

LegacyUser

As crazy as this sounds, I'm considering asking my ex for sperm so I can give our son another a sibling. Although I believe he is now dating so he may decline and I'll accept it if he does. It's because I do not want 2 kids from 2 dads, I also have fear if I start new relationship, have baby, doesn't work, I'm then left with 2 kids, 2 different dads, and lone parent. I would be just ashamed of myself, I'd rather have 2 kids from same dad, my ex is a good person, we get on reasonably well, but there is a part of me that thinks I'm crazy to even consider this. But I may never go ahead with it. Although I have heard of it being done...
Opinions?

LegacyUser

tread carefully, op. YOU have a yearning to give your son a sibling, but i think it's a bit selfish to expect him to bring another child into the world when you two are no longer together. ESPECIALLY if he's with someone new. i won't call it crazy though, i suppose i can empathise with where you're coming from. BUT---

as for having two kids with different dads, i don't see any shame in that, shame from whom? the only difference between that scenario and yours is you'll have two kids by the same man and be a single mother. you yourself will still be in the exact same position.

and it sounds like you've got the meet someone new, start a relationship and go on to have more kids road all sewn up there by already dooming it to failure, so tapping your ex to be a father again sounds the easier option to you? none of us have a crystal ball you know, you could meet the man of your dreams in the future and go on to have a happy life together, you won't know till you try! are you afraid to get out there dating again? have you been seeing anyone since you've been single?

i'd advise you to let go of your ex, let him live his life, and move forward with your own. x

Gatling

Why the need to give your child a sibling ,as you said your a lone parent having a 2nd child only benefits you financially * this if your not working * also he your ex would be financially liable for costs of raising the extended family you want ,
Even though you's are no longer a couple

The Corinthian

whatsnext5 wrote: »

As crazy as this sounds, I'm considering asking my ex for sperm so I can give our son another a sibling. Although I believe he is now dating so he may decline and I'll accept it if he does. It's because I do not want 2 kids from 2 dads, I also have fear if I start new relationship, have baby, doesn't work, I'm then left with 2 kids, 2 different dads, and lone parent. I would be just ashamed of myself, I'd rather have 2 kids from same dad, my ex is a good person, we get on reasonably well, but there is a part of me that thinks I'm crazy to even consider this. But I may never go ahead with it. Although I have heard of it being done...
Opinions?

I'm afraid that if you only "get on reasonably well" then yes, it is crazy. Delusional, TBH.

For a man to even consider something like this, he would have to have an exceptionally good relationship with his ex, not to mention 50/50 custody of the existing child. Otherwise you're asking him to become financially and emotionally responsible for another child that he'll only get to see on weekends. Additionally, it'll impact on his ability to afford being able to have a future child within an existing or future relationship (one where he sees the child every day); not to mention how such an arrangement will reflect on any present or future partner - how would you feel if your partner/boyfriend is having kids with his ex, long after the relationship's over and/or is in a relationship with you??!!

And for what? Because you want another child and don't want to be seen as having children by multiple men?

I'm sorry if I sound harsh, but this is one of those occasions where a bucket of cold water is proscribed. I'd forget about it if I were you.

LegacyUser

I'm sorry, OP, but this is insane.

Do you realise your ex will be financially liable for this child for the next 18 years at least? And that of course he will want to see the child, meaning you are introducing a new person into his life and changing his life dynamics completely for the next 18 years? That if something happens to you, he will have to take this child in? That if this child becomes a rebel teen at 14 and wants to live with him he will need an extra bedroom for him? Etc etc etc?

Do you really think the new person he is seeing right now will put up with it?? It's bad enough to be in a relationship with baggage (you and your child with your ex-partner), but after accepting and getting used to the "baggage", to get a new one????
Do you realise that as resources go (money/time/emotion) whatever your ex and his current partner are building together at the moment will be forever subtracted by another human being you are bringing into the picture – who doesn't really add up anything to their lives at all?

A child is not a new toy or a kitchen utensil that you pick up in a shop 'cos sure, you could do with another one' !!!

I’m sorry if this sounds harsh, but in a situation involving so many people (you, your ex, his partner, the kids) you cannot only look at your whims.

wallycharlo

OP, I can't see any way whatsoever that your ex will agree to this.

Normally I would never be totally dismissive of anyone posting something on this forum, but this time I think that one needs to take a hard line.

Forget it.

judgefudge

I would agree with all of the above.

Why do you assume that if you met someone else and had a child you would break up? What's so wrong with having two children by different fathers?!

maria34

i cant think anything else but OP still wants his ex back. sounds very much so.

i have 2 lovely children from 2 different fathers and theres no difference is the father same or not. they have great bond, big age cap and im really sure my older one will take care of younger one, once im not there any more.

and if i think of that new girlfriend there, she would´nt like it at all. i would´nt like it either.

clairefontaine

judgefudge wrote: »

I would agree with all of the above.

Why do you assume that if you met someone else and had a child you would break up? What's so wrong with having two children by different fathers?!

Because then you have to deal with two different custodial arrangements and all the problems that come with that and two different men.

Also meeting someone new could prove difficult because what man wants to deal with two exes in constant contact and on the scene. Probably not many.

I've heard of women wanting their kids to match and its understandable to want to give your child a sibling but I don't know about this. I suppose you could ask, he can and probably will say no though.

Da Shins Kelly

Madness.

thefeatheredcat

Your reasoning for asking is based on an insecurity and anxiety you have about what other people would think of you. That is pretty selfish a reason to want an ability to give birth to your ex's child. And it is selfish to consider such an option without having regard for your ex and his life and how it would effect him. He will end up with a child that is biologically his - a boy or girl - of which he probably may never have a relationship with as a father yet its existence would effect him too, his future gf, partner, spouse and any children he may have, in having a half sibling biologically related to them whom they may never have much contact. Also too, the rights of the child would have to be considered.

This sounds like some whimsical fantasy that you want to "fix" your insecurity with. A child is not a solution to your own insecurities and issues you have or with your self esteem or how you would feel perceived and judged by others. Certainly not something that sounds like there has been zero thought into it and is just on impulse.

If you were to put to him what you wrote here, I think you'd be told quickly where to go. If it was something you had been thinking of for some years and had weighed the options and considered all aspects and angles and could convey that to your ex, then perhaps maybe you might have a chance in being taken seriously.

If you really want your child to have a sibling, it isn't going to matter to them if they are a half or step sibling, they are still going to be related biologically to you and them. Wait until you are in a strong committed relationship that involves someone wanting the same as you, more children as part of that relationship involving commitment, if you really want a sibling for your child. That will mean a lot more to you in the end. And if you are afraid that you have a child with someone who isn't going to stick around, be able to realise who is and isn't going to stick around and offer you the commitment that you want. But you need to deal with your insecurity and relationship issues first and foremost and your self esteem long before you have a relationship or have another child.

tinkerbell

Wow, I've been on PI for a long time but for the first time ever, I'm actually gobsmacked by what I've just read. OP, you need a serious dose of reality here. You and your ex are over. Why in the name of god do you think he'd want to have another child with you?! There is no way in hell he is gonna give you sperm. If he doesn't want to be with you, he most certainly doesn't want to have more children with you. Nevermind having to pay for the child until they are 18! Whatever happened to having a child being a massive decision? You talk about it so casually and you're not even in a relationship with him.

To say that you are seriously considering this request makes me think that you need to go see a counsellor or someone about your issues because this is not healthy and an utterly unreasonable mad request to make of your ex.

And also, I think it is totally offensive to think you can just ask him for sperm like it's borrowing a box of tea bags or whatever, like it's no big deal. It is a big deal. How would you feel if you were in his shoes and he decided he wanted one of your eggs? Good god.

And regarding what his current partner would think? Well I think that's obvious. She would be furious, disgusted, upset and quite frankly I imagine her opinion of you would go down the drain, and I imagine your ex would think the same.

So cop onto yourself. If you want to maintain a decent civil relationship with your ex for your child's sake then go see someone about your issues and stop thinking about this nonsense because it is never gonna happen. All you will do if you pursue this is resulting in your ex cutting you from his life except to see his child and you'll be dealing with your child asking questions on why mammy and daddy don't speak anymore.

MissFlitworth

You're asking someone to become a dad again to a child they won't be able to be a full time parent to and at the same time probably end their current relationship and scupper any chances they have of meeting someone for a while (if you met someone who told you that their ex was pregnant with their kid but they were split up for years and it was sperm donation would you not think 'Yes yes, you're totally not sleeping with her still, you big lying headmelt' and run away?)

You can totally ask this guy to do it, he's probably going to say no. You should also be 100% sure you're not taking advantage of him, especially if you were the one to end the relationship and there's any chance he might say yes thinking that it might result in his being able to come home again. If you're going to do it do it with a clear head and the realisation that it's a HUGE thing you're asking.