What is this guys problem?

So I'm living abroad and I've slowly managed to settle into a group of friends. They're mostly workmates and friends of workmates, but we're slowly becoming pretty closely knit.
There's this one guy that's the problem. At first he was friendly towards me. We like a lot of the same things and are pretty similar in a number of ways. We should get along really well, but that's not the case. Where he was friendly at first, now he seems to be avoiding me. He only talks to me when there's no-one else there. When we're with friends he hardly ever says a word to me and if I try to engage him he'll be short with me, leaving me in the dust wondering how I offended him. When we're alone he's a real chatterbox, but it seems like he's really struggling to keep a conversation up with me, when it should be a piece of cake. I've tried texting him and messaging him on FB, but that doesn't keep up either. When I think of our interactions together, I think the nicest he's ever been was when he tried to convince me I was a 'lady' when I mentioned I used to look like a boy as a child. Any kind of friendly interaction is sporadic and short-lived.
I can't think of anything I might have said or done to make him so uncomfortable around me. He's really great with other people, but I just seem to be krypton to him. Do I just need to accept that he just doesn't like me? It seems like such a lame thing to do when I think we could be friends...

MintyDoris

Does he maybe fancy you? And the shyness gets to him most of the time unless you are alone?

Taltos

OP - maybe just scale it back a bit and stop trying to engage him.

There are really only 2 scenarios in my opinion and you trying to force a friendship will not work in either.

a) He really doesn't like you or is just uncomfortable around you. Giving him some space without the crowding will allow him to re-evaluate how he feels and hopefully come back to where he was. But if he doesn't well then just learn to engage with him in a limited way so as not to cause any odd feelings among the rest of the group.

b) He actually likes you more than he can admit or is unable to deal with being attracted to you. Who knows he might not want to rock the boat with the group or he may have low self-confidence. Again though, give him some space, forcing a friendship here will just make things messy.

To be honest, on the little you have said it is hard to say. However, whatever the scenario if you are getting odd vibes off him and he is not that keen to engage in a group don't force it. He just not like talking in larger groups, some people are better in small one-to-one scenarios than in larger group dynamics.

MintyDoris

MintyDoris wrote: »

Does he maybe fancy you? And the shyness gets to him most if the time unless you are alone?

People have said that to me, but I know for a fact he fancies another girl and he texts her ALL THE TIME.
IDGI he's so friendly and open with everyone else but I just seem to annoy him.

Lorna123

This guy was friendly with you at first so he is not shy, he knows how to chat to you. It could be that he senses that you might fancy him and he doesn't want to lead you on. You obviously make him feel uncomfortable. It would appear to me like he doesn't want anyone else to think that he fancies you either. If he was interested in you but just shy then the Facebook would be an ideal way for him to be in touch with you, but he isn't responding to that either.

I think what you should do is stop initiating conversations with him and let him lead and see how that works.

CaraMay

Not everyone is going to like us. I font understand, given that he is a colleague and not a friend, why you are sending him messages outside of work especially when it seems to be to get him to like you. Be professional and if he can't be the. Let it go and keep your interaction within work.

Stavro Mueller

Deleted User wrote: »

Do I just need to accept that he just doesn't like me? It seems like such a lame thing to do when I think we could be friends...

Yes. We could all speculate here til the cows come home about what's going on here and we'd be none the wiser at the end of it all. From your point of view it's time to cool your jets. The guy knows you want to be friends but he's not reciprocating for whatever reasons.

Unfortunately it's just you who thinks you could be friends - he might not be of the same mind and that is something you may have to accept. It's possible that trying to engage with him on Facebook etc. is simply going to push him further away.

If I were you, I'd just leave him alone. He's obviously not interested in you, you're his workfriend, not a real one. Maybe the fact youre abroad makes this more difficult. The more you contact him, the more you'll put him off you - he's probably making bare minimum chat to be polite.

You already mentioned that he fancies someone else and messages everyday. This is his priority and might explain his unwillingness to get close to you. Perhaps he thinks it'll put her off of him or make her jealous or whatever, I don't know.

Find other friends and be happy.

Big Bag of Chips

You might well annoy him. We don't know. You seem to be a bit pushy in wanting to force some sort of friendship between you. Friendships should be natural and happen without much effort. You seem to be putting in an awful lot of effort.

You say he fancies another girl. Do you fancy him? If he's quiet with you in a group situation, maybe it is more to do with that other girl. He doesn't want her, or others to think that he is interested in you.

It's hard to tell from your post obviously, but I get the impression you are trying too hard to have a relationship with him, and he (and others) have noticed this. Maybe someone has even told him you fancy him. If he fancies someone else, he will back off from you when others are around.

Just leave him alone.
Step back, and if a friendship is to develop it will at it's own pace.

We've known each other over a year now. I'm not pushing the friendship by any stretch of the imagination. I understand that he doesn't have to like me, but it just seems like a waste - when he actually tries to talk to me we get on really well. I almost feel like I'm making contact, then we'll go out with friends again and he'll barely throw five words at me.

[Deleted User]

[Deleted User] wrote: »

We've known each other over a year now. I'm not pushing the friendship by any stretch of the imagination. I understand that he doesn't have to like me, but it just seems like a waste - when he actually tries to talk to me we get on really well. I almost feel like I'm making contact, then we'll go out with friends again and he'll barely throw five words at me.

Then just don't bother with him. Find other friends or talk to other people, rather than focusing your attention on him.

Stavro Mueller

Out of curiosity, why the fixation with him?

syklops

Deleted User wrote: »

People have said that to me, but I know for a fact he fancies another girl and he texts her ALL THE TIME.
IDGI he's so friendly and open with everyone else but I just seem to annoy him.

It is possible for guys to fancy more than one person at a time.

I reckon he fancies you and doesn't know how to handle it.

Merkin

Do you fancy him OP?

Aseth

OP, why don't you ask your other friends? They might know more, he might have talked to someone about the situation with you. They know both of you and might actually know the answer.

Merkin

Merkin wrote: »

Do you fancy him OP?

I thought I did at the start. But as the months have gone by I just find myself sick and tired of his attitude. It'd be great if he was consistent, y'know? He's so hot and cold - super friendly in one instance and almost ignorant in another. I almost feel like asking him what the problem is.

Aseth wrote: »

OP, why don't you ask your other friends? They might know more, he might have talked to someone about the situation with you. They know both of you and might actually know the answer.

I had considered that, but I don't want to come off as paranoid. He acts friendly towards everyone; just not so much towards me so I'm not sure if others have copped it.

simply simple

Deleted User wrote: »

I thought I did at the start. But as the months have gone by I just find myself sick and tired of his attitude.

May be you fancied him and he might have sensed it and didnt want to make thinks awkward for both of you as he might not be interested going that road, he just reacted by avoiding you and keeping conversation with you at the minimum.

Merkin

simply simple wrote: »

May be you fancied him and he might have sensed it and didnt want to make thinks awkward for both of you as he might not be interested going that road, he just reacted by avoiding you and keeping conversation with you at the minimum.

I think this is it in a nutshell.I'd just accept it OP that he is not interested in a friendship or anything more with you and I would stop with the Facebook contact etc.I'd just be civil and spoke when spoken to etc, no more point in overthinking this as it seems quite straightforward

Well what did you know - he thought I didn't like him!


We've arranged a date on Sunday.



Men are strange creatures.