I feel awful but need help to decide

LegacyUser

Please don't judge me....
A while ago I started talking to a man online, from the start he was totally honest with me and told me he was married but sex was rare and he was looking to meet someone for fun.
I told him I wasn't interested in that and we became friends, we would chat quite often and over time more came out about his home life, his wife had never been particularly interested in sex but had completely cut it off over recent years, she had made comments and made him feel his desires and needs were wrong. He has told me that he spent years trying to talk to her but she refuses.
He is very unhappy and has said he knows he can't carry on this way but hasn't decided if its worth trying one last time to make it work before he makes a decision but he's not ready to face up to it at the moment.

This was all while we were only friends, after a while we decided to meet and over the course of a few meetings we ended up sleeping together.

We talk all the time apart from a few hours in the evening when he is with his children!

I guess I can't decide what to do, on one hand we get on really well, the physical aspect is great and I really like talking to him and I justify it by thinking his wife's not interested in him so it's not hurting her.
On the other hand I know that he really should make a decision. Even if it's to decide and then follow through on it at a later date, it's all a bit ambiguous!

I think it's still early enough that I could walk away without too much hurt, he's never given me any false information or told me that he wants anything other than what is currently happening.

Should I just leave it and tell him to come back when he decides or should I enjoy it for now?

Thank you

foxinsox

Walk away..

Quite briskly..

Nothing but hurt can come of this situation. Honestly life's too short for that.

:-)

Czarcasm

Feelconfusedandabitstupid wrote: »

Should I just leave it and tell him to come back when he decides or should I enjoy it for now?

Thank you

I'd leave it tbh. While he's sleeping with you, he has no motivation to sort out what's happening at home and therefore effectively you have no motivation to find someone else who is single who you can have all those things with and more, because you won't have to be checking yourself that you won't be texting him at certain times, and you won't be thinking about his wife or any of the rest of that stuff.

None of that is your problem, it's his, and him offloading on you is only giving you a half hearted, compromised... Well, it's nothing really, apart from the sex, and you can have that with any guy! This guy is making himself unavailable to you which makes you want him more. I wouldn't bother investing any more time in him tbh.

CaraMay

Why shouldn't you be judged for the choices you are making?

He is telling you that he isn't sleeping with her but that's the oldest line in the book.

I personally would have too much pride in myself to be someone's bit on the side. If you are happy having sex with someone who is married to someone else then fine and keep doing it. I personally think its very sleazy and you are selling yourself short.

LegacyUser

firstly noone has the right to judge you and anyone that does, id ignore it

however i do think you should walk away, you dont really know whats going on at home, the my wife doesnt understand my needs etc is an old one.
like another poster said being tied up with him your not leaving yourself open to meet someone else who is single and can give you what you want and need in a relationship

nothing but heartache is going to come from it if you continue

Neyite

OP there is a script that cheaters follow. And you have bought into it hook, line and sinker. Its usually along the lines of what you heard. Its crap. Plain and simple. He is NOT upfront and honest - you are forgetting he is lying to someone here. His wife. And if he can lie so easily to the woman he has a long relationship with, its going to be a doddle to lie to a woman he barely knows.

So, we have established that he is a liar, and a pretty decent one. And we know he is also a cheat who puts himself first, and doesn't care what destruction he leaves in his wake to get what he wants. You can do better, surely??

Unfortunately as bluntly as Cara May put it, YOU are the one that will be judged here when it all comes out. (and it will, Ireland is far too small a place to conceal an affair for very long - the wife might not find out, but you can bet a months salary the whole neighbourhood will) He won't. Oh, she might chuck him out for a while and then they get counselling, go on a holiday to mend the relationship, and you are the One that Slept with a Married Man. Or she chucks him out and you are The Homewrecker - do you see a pattern here? She will want to believe that before you wickedly seduced him, he was perfect, and faithful and you ruined it- that it's all your fault, not his. (and believe me, he will be happy to let her believe that too) The alternative is much harder to believe - that the perfect, faithful man that stood in front of all their friends and family broke his vows to her, and lied consistently to her to cheat with other women.

And if you are one of the ones that their married man leaves the marriage to be with you, then just remember the old saying "when a man marries his mistress, he creates a vacancy".

LegacyUser

OP here.
Thanks everyone for your responses, I'm not gonna beat myself up over one mistake that lasted a very short amount of time, and I appreciate all the (mostly) non judgemental and helpful advice.
The funny thing is I am quite attractive and would easily meet someone who can give me everything that this man is unwilling to. After reading your thoughts even I can't see how this actually benefits me anymore! I guess I know that under different circumstances we would probably have had an amazing relationship-but I can only decide about how things are now and it's not right for me, his wife or himself.

I will just send him a text and tell him that it's over until he gets his house in order and just cut contact. If for some reason he persists ill send him a link to this thread!!

Thanks again

Lorna123

If things are that good between you OP, then let him leave his wife and come back to you when he is separated. I think you will be in for a very long wait though.

Distorted

Well OP, if you want to spend possibly years wasting your time with a married man who's cheating on his wife and stringing you along, missing out on all the nice single unattached men out there, then go ahead. Go ahead if you're attracted to a man who is married and sleeps with women he barely knows, who advertises himself as available on the internet (you probably aren't the first) and who slags off his wife behind her back. Go ahead if you're happy being turned into the sort of woman who knowingly has affairs with married men. But you might want to ask yourself, whats in it for you?

ps don't even bother sending him a text, just completely ignore him.

stargazer 68

Oh OP stop kidding yourself! He is never going to sort this out - he doesn't need to while he has you around! Cut contact and go find a nice single man - there are plenty out there.

Emme

OP, I'm not judging you but this man is having his cake and eating it. You say you could meet somebody else who is single and available so what's stopping you?

I'd cut all contact with the married man and find someone single and available.

ilovesleep

I agree with the others here.

Lets persume for one minute that he and his story is geniune. If what he told you was true that is wife is gone of sex, I think it would be unreasonable of his wife to expect him to become celibate because of her lack of sexual desires and imo if its true they belong in an open relationship where he is allowed to have another relationship outside of his marriage to meet his needs.

Is he in an open relationship with his wife? As in does his wife know he is online and looking? Is he allowed?
I think not.

In a case like this he should have no problem providing his wife's details to you so that you can phone her and see if everything is above board with what he's saying. Did he volunteer such information? I think not.

The man is lying and spinning you stories to cheat on his wife, pure and simple.

Run and don't look back.

Merkin

If you continue to pursue this "relationship" then it will do no end of damage to your self-esteem. The fact of the matter is that he already has a wife, he is married to someone else. He said quite explicitly that his marriage is sexless and that his wife doesn't understand him and his needs (:rolleyes: which I don't necessarily believe, he's regurgitating some of the oldest lines in the book tbh) so if that even is the case then he is only using you to fulfil his sexual needs. You're merely a vessel and it sounds like he has no intention of leaving his wife.

I think you're kidding yourself and I've seen girls waste their best years with men who are already attached in the vain hope that things will change. They never ever do. If it's early enough for you to walk away then do so. No grand gestures or Dear John letters. Just cut him out of your life. I guarantee you that he'll be back on the dating site immediately looking for someone else to fulfill his sexual needs and that in itself should tell you all you need to know about how he views this arrangement with you. Don't kid yourself its anything more.

Czarcasm

Merkin wrote: »

If you continue to pursue this "relationship" then it will do no end of damage to your self-esteem. The fact of the matter is that he already has a wife, he is married to someone else. He said quite explicitly that his marriage is sexless and that his wife doesn't understand him and his needs (:rolleyes: which I don't necessarily believe, he's regurgitating some of the oldest lines in the book tbh) so if that even is the case then he is only using you to fulfil his sexual needs. You're merely a vessel and it sounds like he has no intention of leaving his wife.

Any time a girl tells me they're seeing a guy that's already in a relationship and has used that line, my question is always the same-

"You've only known this guy a wet day, what in hell has you thinking you understand him any better than his wife or girlfriend already does, and they know him a lot better than you do?

As for his wife or girlfriend not wanting to have sex with him, there's usually a good reason for that. You just don't see it yet, and it sure as hell ain't your problem!"...

LegacyUser

Dear OP

I am not judging you but I am speaking to you as someone whose marriage is in trouble. The situation with you described with your friend and his wife are similar to the situation I am in right now. The fact, is my husband is not interested in sorting thing out with me when it is so much easier to just brush everything under the carpet.

All the information you have is coming from his point of view, for all you know his wife may be desperate to put her marriage back on line. Marriages are not easy, especially when there are children involved.

I am glad for your sake, that you have decided to walk away, give this man every opportunity to sort things out with his family. If he decides to leave his wife, let it be his decision.

The Corinthian

Feelconfusedandabitstupid wrote: »

On the other hand I know that he really should make a decision.

Well he has really. According to you:

from the start he was totally honest with me and told me he was married but sex was rare and he was looking to meet someone for fun.

he's never given me any false information or told me that he wants anything other than what is currently happening.

So really what you want is that he changes his decision.

Adultery aside, think of this the same way as you might a fùckbuddy relationship, where one party is not longer content with the arrangement and the other still is. When that happens the healthiest thing you can do is to really lay out the cards on the table ASAP and if you still have different aims, end it and move on.

If he tells you that he'll leave his wife and commit to a proper relationship with you, then hear him out, but do not allow yourself to get strung along with 'the time is almost right to tell her' nonsense. Set deadlines, or better still, end things and tell him you'll be there for him if he leaves his wife - but not to leave it too long. Then either he will or otherwise he won't and you'll at least avoided a lot of pain.

I'd expect the worst, if I were you. These things tend not to have a happy ending.

Neyite wrote: »

So, we have established that he is a liar, and a pretty decent one.

No we haven't. The OP has actually stressed the opposite, if anything.

In fairness, husbands or wives looking elsewhere for sex because they get none at home is not that unusual a scenario - there seems to be a thread related to that every week, or so, here.

LegacyUser

Op again,
Thanks everyone for the replies.
I was actually planning on writing something similar to Corinthian, there is many many people trapped within marriages where they have drifted apart and the sexual part has ended for one person or the other. I think there's a current thread that I read recently that was almost exactly the same, I think it's unfair to say he must be lying because he didn't choose to walk away immediately.


So just to clarify.
He has never ever said a bad word about his wife. He has said they are friends and get along fine on that level but physically it's been dead for a few years.
He has never said he would leave, he has never offered anything other than friendship and sex.
We have discussed his marriage on occasion and be has said he's not happy-but not unhappy enough to leave his children.
He has said that he doesn't know if his wife still wants to fix things but any attempt to discuss things is met by dismissal and refusal to talk.
Only recently has he said he's not sure if he wants to fix things anymore.

There's no rules about contact, if I want to text him I will and he will reply asap...no different to anyone else really.

I told him the other day I wanted to leave it and he was quite upset. Asked that we just cool down, take a break, whatever rather than actually finish.
So as it stands now we are just friends and there is totally no pressure on me to be anything else.

To forgotten wife, I'm very very sorry to hear about your issues. Anytime I have a wobble and miss him I plan to re-read your post. I really hope you can sort things out xxx

Neyite

The Corinthian wrote: »

No we haven't. The OP has actually stressed the opposite, if anything.

Well yes, we have established he is a liar. He is lying to his wife is he not?

As candid as the man has been with the OP, its been all about him, his needs, his desires, his terms. Nada about his wife. If his wife was fully on board with him sleeping with other women outside of the marriage then he would have been equally candid about that, don't you think?

So, while he is telling the wife he is working late/out with a mate/ while he is really cheating with the OP, he is lying to someone, therefore a liar.

CaraMay

It sounds like he has his patter down to a tee. Not bad mouthing his wife so he doesn't seem like a bad guy... It's all such a cliche. Op keep running now that you have gotten this far.

Czarcasm

CaraMay wrote: »

It sounds like he has his patter down to a tee. Not bad mouthing his wife so he doesn't seem like a bad guy... It's all such a cliche. Op keep running now that you have gotten this far.

Sums it up in a nutshell tbh, even down to the way he lets the OP think she's in control of the "relationship", causing her to flip flop between her own better judgement, and feeling sorry for this guy because he tells her he's "trapped" in a sexless marriage and doesn't want to leave "for the kids".

OP he's playing you like a violin, and much as I love my friends and all who find themselves in these situations - the common denominator between them all is that they are incredibly naive for their age, easily manipulated, and give off an air of bravado, but scratch the surface and they are unfortunately woefully insecure, often lacking in self esteem and self confidence.

OP this guy is no more your friend than I am, and he's prepared to bide his time before he has the chance to get you into bed again. If his motivation were friendship, then he would have no issue with introducing you to his wife AS his friend.

That's about as likely to happen though as he is to treat you as anything more than his dirty little secret sexual plaything.

For your own sanity OP you're better off get away from that mess before you REALLY develop feelings for him and then it all blows up in your face and you'll be the one left smarting from the fallout.

Taltos

OP - I don't know if he is lying or not to his wife. Hopefully he is being totally candid with her and has her consent to seek sex outside of the marital bed.

However, from your perspective what do you hope to gain?
A partner, a husband, someone to take care of you when you are sick or someone to go for a random walk on the beach?
He can't be any of these things while he stays in the marriage - happy or not.

Right now, he is telling you that he won't leave his wife. He won't do anything honest that might upset his children. Oh so self-sacrificing of him I am sure, but all of that does nothing in terms of giving you a committed 100% there partner.

If you are happy to settle for a life like this for the indefinite then continue on, but if you want more then use this current break as the time to make it permanent.

The Corinthian

Neyite wrote: »

Well yes, we have established he is a liar. He is lying to his wife is he not?

Fair point (although we're presuming that they don't have an open arrangement).

If his wife was fully on board with him sleeping with other women outside of the marriage then he would have been equally candid about that, don't you think?

You're presuming people are reasonable.

Let's presume, for a moment, that he's telling the truth; there's no sex in the marriage and his wife does not want to even discuss the subject. Such a person is certainly not going to be open to her husband fulfilling his sexual needs elsewhere, but expect him to stick to marital fidelity, while she denies something else that one also expects to be part of marriage. Crazy, but that kind of 'dog in a manger' selfishness is not unknown - as I said, there's plenty of threads posted here about it.

So he can leave her (effectively lose his children and potentially become financially decimated), remain celibate for the rest of his life or lie to her and find sex elsewhere.

It's easy to say he should be honest about it to her, and/or that he should leave her, but were you faced with the consequences of this (financial and at best seeing your kids once a week, so long as she doesn't take the divorce badly and block you altogether) that pedestal you're presently on will suddenly feel far less secure.

Naturally, he could also be lying to the OP, and IMO he should never have married someone that was already out of sync with him sexually even before they married, but that would be jumping to conclusions. It also does not change the advice being given.

Ultimately though, all that matters here is how it relates to the OP. She's no longer comfortable with the arrangement and that is all she needs to focus on. Moralizing over the man in question won't help her.

Lorna123

It's the old cliche "my wife doesn't understand me" and you are falling for it. He has told you out straight that all he wants is a bit of fun. He has everything he wants at home, except for the sex (according to him) so what does that make you - a fcuk buddy. Are you happy with that ?

Neyite

The Corinthian wrote: »

Fair point (although we're presuming that they don't have an open arrangement).

You're presuming people are reasonable.

Let's presume, for a moment, that he's telling the truth; there's no sex in the marriage and his wife does not want to even discuss the subject. Such a person is certainly not going to be open to her husband fulfilling his sexual needs elsewhere, but expect him to stick to marital fidelity, while she denies something else that one also expects to be part of marriage. Crazy, but that kind of 'dog in a manger' selfishness is not unknown - as I said, there's plenty of threads posted here about it.

So he can leave her (effectively lose his children and potentially become financially decimated), remain celibate for the rest of his life or lie to her and find sex elsewhere.

It's easy to say he should be honest about it to her, and/or that he should leave her, but were you faced with the consequences of this (financial and at best seeing your kids once a week, so long as she doesn't take the divorce badly and block you altogether) that pedestal you're presently on will suddenly feel far less secure.

Naturally, he could also be lying to the OP, and IMO he should never have married someone that was already out of sync with him sexually even before they married, but that would be jumping to conclusions. It also does not change the advice being given.

Ultimately though, all that matters here is how it relates to the OP. She's no longer comfortable with the arrangement and that is all she needs to focus on. Moralizing over the man in question won't help her.

Very good points - more importantly your last one. I think I've veered off topic enough, so wont debate further

Lorna123

Feelconfusedandabitstupid wrote: »

Please don't judge me....
A while ago I started talking to a man online, from the start he was totally honest with me and told me he was married but sex was rare and he was looking to meet someone for fun.
I told him I wasn't interested in that and we became friends, we would chat quite often and over time more came out about his home life, his wife had never been particularly interested in sex but had completely cut it off over recent years, she had made comments and made him feel his desires and needs were wrong. He has told me that he spent years trying to talk to her but she refuses.
He is very unhappy and has said he knows he can't carry on this way but hasn't decided if its worth trying one last time to make it work before he makes a decision but he's not ready to face up to it at the moment.

This was all while we were only friends, after a while we decided to meet and over the course of a few meetings we ended up sleeping together.

We talk all the time apart from a few hours in the evening when he is with his children!

I guess I can't decide what to do, on one hand we get on really well, the physical aspect is great and I really like talking to him and I justify it by thinking his wife's not interested in him so it's not hurting her.
On the other hand I know that he really should make a decision. Even if it's to decide and then follow through on it at a later date, it's all a bit ambiguous!

I think it's still early enough that I could walk away without too much hurt, he's never given me any false information or told me that he wants anything other than what is currently happening.

Should I just leave it and tell him to come back when he decides or should I enjoy it for now?

Thank you

I don't want to say too much but I feel that I am an expert as far as all of this is concerned. There is nothing as exciting as having an illicit affair, it can be so thrilling i.e. the secret meetings, the sweet nothings, all the attention, etc. etc. It is all electric and I know this and also very hard to resist. The thing is that these liaisons never remain just that. One person always wants more after a while and it is usually the woman. That is when things start to get awkward and the gloss starts to wear off for the man. The man, more often than not, is able to put a stop to it without much grieving but the woman finds it very difficult, as we are prone to look for the full package and not just the physical side of it. So it would appear that you have now reached the stage where you would like more of a commitment or else split up.

The thing is that if you don't split up with this man you will get more involved and this involvement most probably won't lead to anything for you except heartache. The thrill and the excitement wears off after a while if the relationship is not going anywhere, so because this is now your predicament you need to ask yourself what's in it for you. If the answer is not what you want then it would be better to save yourself the heartache and split up now because the longer this goes on the more you are depriving yourself of meeting someone who would be free to be with you.

LegacyUser

Op here!!
So as a final end to my story-
After begging and pleading with me to not end things and with him making serious amounts of efforts I stupidly ignored all advice earlier this week and agreed to meet him.
Strangely fate intervened and caused him some fairly major personal problems which meant he had to cancel.

Now he is too busy dealing with this to even remember I exist, he has his wife and family and they are all he needs. Even a couple of nice enquiries from me to let him know I was still here as a friend were met with him saying he would appreciate being left alone and needs space.

So I would think I'm very lucky to know at a very early stage that I mean absolutely nothing to him other than a bit of fun. And when the bad time hit he didn't want to even let me know he was ok.

Thanks again everyone for all your helpful words!!!

StillWaters

You could never have been friends with this man. He didn't want friendship, he wanted uncomplicated sex.

I'm sorry but you are well rid, I bet you anything he has met someone else online and is spinning her the lines he spinned you.

changeling

Notconfusedorstupod wrote: »

Op here!!
So as a final end to my story-
After begging and pleading with me to not end things and with him making serious amounts of efforts I stupidly ignored all advice earlier this week and agreed to meet him.
Strangely fate intervened and caused him some fairly major personal problems which meant he had to cancel.

Now he is too busy dealing with this to even remember I exist, he has his wife and family and they are all he needs. Even a couple of nice enquiries from me to let him know I was still here as a friend were met with him saying he would appreciate being left alone and needs space.

So I would think I'm very lucky to know at a very early stage that I mean absolutely nothing to him other than a bit of fun. And when the bad time hit he didn't want to even let me know he was ok.

Thanks again everyone for all your helpful words!!!

In all fairness you asked for it. It is never ok to be seeing a married man, whatever anyone says about him , what about your own role in all of this?

Seriously, at what point is it ever ok to be seeing a married man?

Taltos

changeling you have been warned before about posting in line with our charter. If you have no constructive advice to offer, just judgements then don't post. Failure to post in line with our charter will result in the loss of your posting rights.

On that note OP I am closing this thread, should you need further advice on this issue please contact any of the Mods in total confidentiality.

Thanks
Taltos