how do you know?

LegacyUser

I've basically been dating a guy for a good few weeks at this stage and I suppose we're verging into that stage of deciding to call it a relationship or not. I'm in my early 30's and for one reason or another never actually been in a proper serious relationship. I guess i'm a little conflicted at the minute hoping an outside perspective will shed some light on things.

He's a lovely guy, we get on really well, have a similar outlook on things and and we've had sex a few times and it's been pretty good. There's just something that I can't put my finger on, I don't know what it is but I just can't imagine him as my boyfriend. It feels like there's something missing. It's not that there's no chemistry as I do find him attractive, I like being intimate with him but at the same time I don't have that gut raw attraction I've had with guys before.

I'm debating in my head whether to end it now as I don't want to lead the guy on, but at the same time I've never been in a relationship before and don't want to throw away something that could be good. I guess he's your typical 'nice guy' and I don't want to be that girl who throws that away to keep going back to the 'bad boy'. At the same time though there's a voice at the back of my head telling me that maybe if I do become his gf, i'm settling, and I always swore I wouldn't be that girl either.

Added to that I bumped into a guy I had a short term fling with recently and I just struck me how much sexual tension there was between us, just a little something extra that's not quite there with the other guy. But then again what we had was just a fling, maybe it's different with a relationship. I dunno, I'm just so confused. How do you know or decide you want to commit to a relationship with someone? Am I expecting too much to think there should be fireworks rather than a fizzle, or is that really all just romantic Hollywood drivel? Maybe I should give him a chance and that something that's not quite there might grow, but then am I not just selling myself short?

Any advice or insight would be very much appreciated

CaraMay

Why have you not had a proper relationship up to now? It seems like you are holing out for superman and he is a fictional character. Of course there is chemistry with your fling - that's why you flung with him.....

I would tell you to leave it. Not because you can't decide what you want but because your man friend deserves to be with someone a lot more interested in him. There is no point chasing the chemistry forever. At some point you have to choose a good all rounder.

LegacyUser

thanks for the reply, there are a lot of reasons why I haven't ever been in a relationship, crippling shyness for most of my teens and early twenties, mental health issues, and just plain old bad luck. I know it may come across like I'm waiting for Mr perfect but I genuinely don't think I am. I've dated guys before in which the chemisty was just not there but tried to make it work because they were such nice guys only for them to turn around and end it anyway due to the lack of chemistry. I've dated the bad boys I was insanely attracted to and got burned. I guess my issue is finding that balance. the fling guy wasn't a bad guy, he's a really honest lovely, kind guy and the chemistry was electric but to a certain extent it was unrequited, he didn't want a relationship with me.


it's not that I'm not interested in him, I love getting to know him and his interests and I can be myself around him, he's really great, a good all rounder as you described, and not to be boastful but I'm pretty good to him too. but part of me feels a little disappointed, or underwhelmed, that this is all a relatioship is. Maybe I've been waiting for one for so long that I am expecting too much, I've built it up too much in my head.

CaraMay

I think your last sentence has hit the nail on the head. It sounds like you have all the ingredients of a fab relationship there so what do you think is actually missing?

LegacyUser

Desire. when I'm with him we have a good time, I find him attractive etc. but between meetings I don't daydream about him, that excitement of waiting to see him, or lust of wanting to see him, isn't there. it's just all very flat.

mygoat

OP, it does look like you have something good with this man, but you seem to be trying to make him responsible for providing you with all the excitement in your life, and this is why he falls short. Were you happy with your life before you met him? Did you feel fulfilled and excited? If you didn't, you may be bringing into this relationship an expectation that it's his job to make you feel excited and fulfilled and happy. And he can't do this for you, only you have that power. He can help (and it seems like he does!), but the job of making you happy is all yours.

You've only been going out for a few weeks, so you are still learning about each other - and since you said that you enjoy getting to know him, you find him attractive and you enjoy being intimate with him, I suggest that you stick with it. Love takes time - give it a chance to develop if it's there. At the same time, focus on finding ways to make your life exciting independently of what you share with this man - chances are, you will feel better about him and about the prospect of committing to him when you stop expecting him to be a superhero who will transform your life into a magical adventure.

Edited to add: Of course it's possible that he is not the right man for you, but it's too early for you to know this. You've never been in a proper relationship before, and a part of you is scared of this new, unpredictable reality that you are stepping into. Breathe through that fear and anxiety and give it a chance, it may turn out to be something good I wish you all the best!

sozbox

I've seen this situation before so many times. Give it a shot is my only advice, if it's a good match then that feeling of certainty you seem to be missing will come in time.

Lorna123

First of all you feel that there is something missing. You don't feel attracted enough to him. You can't see him as your boyfriend and feel you would be settling. None of this sounds like he is the man for you. You are desperately trying to make excuses as to why you should hold on to him, he is a lovely guy, etc. etc. but in my opinion there should be some excitement and buzz when a relationship is new. This often wears off when a proper relationship has been established, but you don't even have it at the start with this guy.

You don't daydream about him in between dates and feel a bit flat when you do think about him. I have to say I don't think he is the right person for you.

LegacyUser

Y'know what? All this talk about butterflies and daydreaming.....I think it's really f***ed us women up.

When I started dating my guy, I liked him a lot, I enjoyed intimacy, and there was chemistry. But did I daydream about him? Not really. I was chilled.

When we went out on dates we laughed a lot and I had a great time. But I didn't text him every day. After a few months I copped that I loved him. It was that simple.

But it wasn't all OMGOMGOMGI'MGOINGTOSEEHIMTONIIIIIIIIGHT! AAARRRGGGH!!! It was the most chilled out, easy, pleasant relationship I'd ever had. I was too relaxed in myself to be in a whirl. I felt completely myself around him - I could walk around in my horrible Penneys pyjamas and no make up and my specs.

Anyway, I've now been married 10 years and am just cracked about him. It just kept on deepening, and tbh, its still deepening all these years later.

Look, he may be the one or he may not - but this isn't the movies. You don't always hear violins playing when you're apart. If you fancy him and you can be yourself with him? Then trust me, you've got to give this a chance.

Tony Ripe

Itadati wrote: »

Y'know what? All this talk about butterflies and daydreaming.....I think it's really f***ed us women up.

When I started dating my guy, I liked him a lot, I enjoyed intimacy, and there was chemistry. But did I daydream about him? Not really. I was chilled.

When we went out on dates we laughed a lot and I had a great time. But I didn't text him every day. After a few months I copped that I loved him. It was that simple.

But it wasn't all OMGOMGOMGI'MGOINGTOSEEHIMTONIIIIIIIIGHT! AAARRRGGGH!!! It was the most chilled out, easy, pleasant relationship I'd ever had. I was too relaxed in myself to be in a whirl. I felt completely myself around him - I could walk around in my horrible Penneys pyjamas and no make up and my specs.

Anyway, I've now been married 10 years and am just cracked about him. It just kept on deepening, and tbh, its still deepening all these years later.

Look, he may be the one or he may not - but this isn't the movies. You don't always hear violins playing when you're apart. If you fancy him and you can be yourself with him? Then trust me, you've got to give this a chance.

That's great and all but she does feel "insane attraction" with other men. Would you like it if your partner found other women insanely attractive and found you ok?

OP you are asking for trouble starting a relationship with a guy where you don't feel that electric chemistry the same as other guys. If I knew my girlfriend felt like that I'd feel sick to my stomach and have to end it.

Why not find a guy where there is chemistry and sexual tension from the beginning and progress that to a relationship. The chemistry generally speaking only wanes over time so if you are starting off feeling flat imagine how you could feel in ten years with this guy. Imagine how he'll feel when he is repeatedly rejected sex as you just don't feel it anymore.

I really think you need to finish it, the longer it goes the more painful it will be.

ShaShaBear

Every time I see Alex Skarsgard on TV I practically fall to the floor twitching mid orgasm, but that doesn't happen with my partner - even though I fancy him and our sex life is electric.

With this other man, who was a fling, it could be a case of the feelings lingering because you felt slighted by him, as you said yourself the feelings were unrequited and he did not want a relationship. Perhaps he was particularly good in bed and your memories provoked by running into him reminded you of this. It doesn't mean there's more or less of a something-something with your fling than the man you are seeing now!

Try this, just sit down and imagine that he sent you a text, right now, and said things aren't working out, he doesn't have feelings for you, and he thinks you should stop seeing each other. How would you feel if he told you that, if you didn't get to see him again? I'm sure that should give you more of an indication on how you feel about him, than the fact that you don't pine after someone that you know is going to visit and contact you regularly.

You're a grown adult, in your thirties. The last time I pined wistfully and daydreamed about a man I couldn't have been more than 17. The fact that this doesn't happen with the man you are dating is probably down to a mixture of your maturity and the fact that you see him and speak to him regularly.