Husband and 'friend' flirting

LegacyUser

Hi guys,

Just want a bit of advise. I have a friend, of many years who is single and seems to be jealous or envious of my relationship with my husband.
Anyway she has in resent times said a few things like we were in a jewellers and she said 'ah can *john pretend to propose to me?' and things like 'oh i'd be so much happier if *john got work closer to home' *fake name!
Which i find very odd to be honest. Now i have seen them giving each other eyes when we are out. Blatantly flirting and not trying to hide it.
I know my husband wouldn't cheat on me and i don't think the friend would either, she just gets a few drinks in and just thrives on male attention. I have seen her do it with other male friends of ours too.
Anyway we were out over the weekend, saw it happening again and i lost it. I ran off, husband followed me, he more or less admitted yes it was happening, its not my imagination, and i just text her and said i wanted nothing more to do with her.
Now i'm starting to feel like i over-reacted???
What do you guys think?
Should i text her(she text me that night very upset but not since)?
What should i say if i do?

I am sure of what i saw, but i think she thinks theres no harm in it maybe......

Sorry it's a long one!!

Merkin

No I don't think you over-reacted at all. There are boundaries to be respected and both her and your husband have overstepped the mark. People might say flirting is harmless but if it has the potential to lead elsewhere then it's not harmless at all.

I also don't think it acceptable to have a close friend make eyes at your husband and him to reciprocate. What was his explanation for it? Did he admit to fancying her? Had he hoped it would go further do you think?

You're right to have called her on it but I also wouldn't just paint her as the scarlet woman. You need to talk to your husband and establish why he thinks it appropriate to be like this with one of your friends...

Lorna123

I think you were right OP. I think her behavior is out of order. Tell her that sorry means she won't be doing it again and if she does then you cease meeting up with her when your husband is present. In fact I would not meet up with her at all if she ever does this again. She knows perfectly well what she is doing and now that her behavior has been called on she is acting all innocent. I have a feeling this won't happen again. Just let her cool off before contacting her again. I actually would not want her as a friend after this.

LegacyUser

Merkin wrote: »

No I don't think you over-reacted at all. There are boundaries to be respected and both her and your husband have overstepped the mark. People might say flirting is harmless but if it has the potential to lead elsewhere then it's not harmless at all.

I also don't think it acceptable to have a close friend make eyes at your husband and him to reciprocate. What was his explanation for it? Did he admit to fancying her? Had he hoped it would go further do you think?

You're right to have called her on it but I also wouldn't just paint her as the scarlet woman. You need to talk to your husband and establish why he thinks it appropriate to be like this with one of your friends...

I am fully aware my husband was totally wrong too. I realised after posting, it doesn't come across like i'm blaming him at all. But i do and did. I had it out with him. After a while he admitted it wasn't my imagination and said it was only harmless flirting.....I can flirt with the best of them, but never right in front of hubby or with one of his friends. Anyway we're back talking.
I know that the friend doesn't think anything went on(i suppose she was drunk and your sub-conscious will tell you what you want) she is just denying anything went on at all.
I suppose because no words were said between them or nothing physical happened she thinks she done nothing wrong....oh i don't know!

LegacyUser

Lorna123 wrote: »

I think you were right OP. I think her behavior is out of order. Tell her that sorry means she won't be doing it again and if she does then you cease meeting up with her when your husband is present. In fact I would not meet up with her at all if she ever does this again. She knows perfectly well what she is doing and now that her behavior has been called on she is acting all innocent. I have a feeling this won't happen again. Just let her cool off before contacting her again. I actually would not want her as a friend after this.

My biggest issue is she won't admit she done wrong(and has done before). I think she thinks that i am playing the jealous wife for the sake of an argument, like i said above i think she has herself convinced it actually didn't happen because it wasnt verbal or physical!
I think honestly if she admitted she done wrong and apologised i would forgive her....

Taltos

ANON1993 wrote: »

My biggest issue is she won't admit she done wrong(and has done before). I think she thinks that i am playing the jealous wife for the sake of an argument, like i said above i think she has herself convinced it actually didn't happen because it wasnt verbal or physical!
I think honestly if she admitted she done wrong and apologised i would forgive her....

Seriously - why do you care at this point if she will admit to it or not.
Forgive her at your peril, chances are she might restart it all but much more subtly. Personally life is tough enough without a drama queen like this messing up what should be a good and happy marriage.

Well rid...
You do need to have a long and serious talk with your husband, he should have nipped this in the bud at the beginning, which if he had may have saved you from having to do what you did, and would have saved your friendship (possibly)

Merkin

ANON1993 wrote: »

My biggest issue is she won't admit she done wrong(and has done before).

This would suggest then that this is entirely normal behaviour for her and for that reason I wouldn't bother hanging around with her anymore. So what if she admits it? You'd be watching her like a hawk and chances are she'd be a lot more covert next time. She's a cock-tease who was openly flirting with a friend's husband....not star quality friend material in my book, sorry

Oryx

The person you have to deal with here is your husband. He was the one reciprocating and allowing it to happen. It could not have gone on if he hadn't responded. Unless he understands how hurtful his flirting is, he could do it with anyone, it didn't have to be just with your so-called friend. He is the one you are in a relationship with, so he is the one you tackle. There will always be flirty women, this guy needs to know what you will and will not put up with in that regard.

As for her, she is obviously lonely and needy, getting her kicks from male attention without a care as to who it might hurt. She may learn from this, or she may not. I cant tell from your post if she is a man-eating cow or just has messed up boundaries. You know her. Its up to you to decide if you want someone like her in your life.

Zen65

ANON1993 wrote: »

I know my husband wouldn't cheat on me and i don't think the friend would either, she just gets a few drinks in and just thrives on male attention. I have seen her do it with other male friends of ours too.

The term "flirting" covers such a broad church of behaviours. You say you trust your husband, and this friend, but you say they were "flirting" in front of you (which to me suggests that perhaps this was just their idea of being funny?) but you don't elaborate on what that means. It's really hard to say whether you over-reacted or not without knowing what you may have been reacting to.

If one of my wife's friends flirts with me in front of her I may well return the behaviour, as much as to say "don't think you'll embarrass me by acting that way" but also because if it's a friend we've known for some time then it's safe to say that the flirting is simply jocular. There is not a chance in hell that I'd ever stray over the line of improper conduct, and everyone (including my good wife) knows this. I'm referring only to verbal flirting though, not to any other type of behaviour. Frankly anything else probably would be over-the-line, or edging up to it in a manner that is not particularly funny.

So, without any additional info from you, Op, I would not wish to rush to the conclusion that her behaviour was untoward. Perhaps you could elaborate on the sort of flirting you witnessed?

Be at peace,

Z

The Corinthian

Both my partner and I are incorrigible flirts. It doesn't bother me typically as, at the end of the night she's going home with me, not the guy she's flirting with. She has a somewhat more complex reaction to my flirting, in that she can be insanely jealous, but at the same time it turns her on no end that other women want what she has.

Nonetheless, there are limits to flirting and I had the experience of one such limit being transgressed when we were out together about a year ago.

A friend of a friend's girlfriend was flirting outrageously with me. Completely outrageously, to the point that she was discussing what it would be like to have sex together. So I jokingly responded that it would be a disaster as I would inevitably end up calling out my partner's name during the act.

My other half laughed, the flirting quickly subsided and much fun was had after we went home.

Reminding the person flirting with you that you're taken is a good way to knock it on it's head if it starts getting out of hand. You might suggest something like that to your husband, for next time.

JenEffy

I think everyone knows girls like this. A girl in my friendship group has crossed the line a few times with my boyfriend. Last night he was playing a drinking game and she called over to me "can I distract your boyfriend with my boobs?" Seriously, if someone continues to act like that even after you've told them it's inappropriate they are not your friend.

clairefontaine

Sometimes flirting can be about attention seeking or it can be about pushing buttons and pulling levers to see how far you can push someone, simply a very immature form of entertaining oneself. Or your husband may be being used as a pawn in some weird get one over game she is having with you. Either way you don't really need this.

If this girl is your friend tell her it makes you uncomfortable. If she doesn't respect that, reconsider the friendship. Your husband should respect that too and not feed into it.