I don't know how to help my mum??

LegacyUser

Okay, I'll try to keep this as short as I can.

I'm really, really worried about my mum. In my own, totally unprofessional opinion, she's had severe mental problems all her life, but it's really come to a head recently. She's never ever seen a GP (about mental issues), a psychiatrist, a therapist, nobody, so she's completely undiagosed.

I don't even know how to begin describing her behaviour... To begin with, I think she's really really depressed. She doesn't have a job or many real friends. She has a horrific temper (never violent, I should point out) and the TINIEST thing sets her off.

I don't normally live at home with her because I'm a student, but I came home a few days ago to spend a few weeks at home. Yesterday, my mum asked me to turn on the TV to a certain channel, but my mum's recently switched to satellite and I didn't really know how to work it, so I was fiddling with all the buttons trying to work out how to get the right channel, and she COMPLETELY lost her temper, started screaming at the top of her lungs, crying, tears streaming down her cheeks, yelling that she can't rely on anyone to do anything for her, if she wants it done right she has to do it herself, etc.

And she's like this ALL the time. The smallest little things will set her off screaming and crying and pummelling things. Even when she's not in a temper, she's always sad and I often find her crying or on the verge of tears. I love her so much and I don't know what to do to help her. She doesn't eat well and will often skip meals out of spite. Like, if I do the grocery shopping and I forget one item which was gonna be used for dinner, like, an onion or something, she'll refuse to eat dinner at all. Even if I go out again and get the onion, or if I prepare her something else entirely, she'll still refuse to eat anything at all, because she'll say everythings been ruined. She complains she never gets more than 2 - 3 hours of sleep a night, which can't be healthy at all. She talks about wanting to die and 'not being able to do this anymore.'

There are a million other examples/symptoms but I won't go into them now, I really wanna discuss it all with a professional or have her seen by a professional but I have NO idea where to go. We live in Co. Meath, if that helps. She doesn't have any money so a free/discounted service would be ideal but if not, I will DEFINITELY find the money somewhere, so even if the suggestions are expensive please tell me anyway because I have savings and a weekend job and I could find the money somehow.

I know the first step SHOULD be your GP but I'm 100% convinced my mum wouldn't go. She's always been paranoid about everyone in the community 'talking about her' and 'knowing her business' and she kinda KNOWS our GP and wants to keep up appearances so there's no way she'd open up to the GP, she'd be convinced the gossip would spread all over town (I know this is impossible because of confidentiality laws but my mum is paranoid and would never believe me).

Who else can I go to? I spent the morning Googling services in Co. Meath but I still have no idea what the first step should be. I'm not even sure if she'd go if I DID manage to arrange something. But what can I do? I can't leave her like this?

Any help would be great. Thank you

Big Bag of Chips

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username123

First of all, you poor thing having this terribly stressful situation to come home to from college.

Ok. Unless your mum is considered a danger to herself or others, no intervention can be done through you working with medical professionals. It has to come from her. So she will have to be the one to initiate contact with a GP.

What about the rest of the family, including your mums siblings? What about your father? Is he around and what is his attitude to the problem? Can you all work together and sit her down and explain that her behaviour is not rational and that it would be best for her to see a GP?

FizzleSticks

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username123

FizzleSticks wrote: »

This post has been deleted.

I just want to clarify this for the OP. Medical professionals in this country will not do anything or consider the OPs mother a danger to herself because the OP says that that she says she wants to die.

If the OPs mother tells a doctor this herself it will be taken seriously. Alternatively if the mother takes some action in that direction herself it will be taken seriously.

But it is not enough for the OP to tell someone "my mother says". It just won't be listened to. Otherwise we would have people getting carted off to mental health institutions all the time after they shout at someone in anger "I'll kill you" or "I wish I was dead".

Queen-Mise

username123 wrote: »

But it is not enough for the OP to tell someone "my mother says". It just won't be listened to. Otherwise we would have people getting carted off to mental health institutions all the time after they shout at someone in anger "I'll kill you" or "I wish I was dead".

This is not completely true. A doctor will listen to what a family member or concerned friend says. And they don't go throwing people into psyche units just for verbalising a desire to hurt themselves or else they would be over 100,000 people in them.

OP - I would go to your mother's doctor and tell him exactly what is going on. He can't do anything to help if he doesn't know. And your mam at the moment isn't in the best place to help yourself.

And then get your mam to the doctor's under false pretences. The doctor will probably not discuss what he is planning to do/or can do.

Start the process of getting some help for her, and her doctor will probably be able to give you some really good advice on how to deal with it.
Maybe also speak to the Mental Health Services, talk to one of the nurses and he/she will also give you support and help to deal with the situation.



On dealing with your mother's behaviour - that is much tougher. At the moment what she is saying she believes to be true - no matter how odd it sounds. And all the over reactions - don't take too much notice of them, it is the only way she has of expressing the pain she is in.

Stay calm, don't take it too personal. And remember you will probably never get everything right to prevent the blow ups. So try not to get too hung up on them.
And your mam not eating, the food not being prepared right, is the excuse not to eat. She probably wouldn't have eaten anyway. It is also a part of the greater picture.


And remember to mind yourself. Dealing with this is tough.

username123

Queen-Mise wrote: »

This is not completely true. A doctor will listen to what a family member or concerned friend says. And they don't go throwing people into psyche units just for verbalising a desire to hurt themselves or else they would be over 100,000 people in them.

In my experience, although a doctor will listen to a concerned person, a doctor cannot force medical help on someone.

Perhaps your experience with this type of situation is different, but anytime I have been involved with a situation where someones mental health is in question I have met with the same results. The doctor in one case phoned and asked the person to visit because they wanted to schedule a check up on another health issue and when the patient was in the room they tried to open a conversation on mental health and the patient shut down and denied everything leaving the doctor unable to proceed because they were not a danger to themselves or others.

Certainly the OP can talk to the family doctor, but I wouldnt expect any result from it - based on my own experiences in this area. Other people may have different experiences.

murria

OP you sound like a lovely caring person. It does seem like your mum is struggling with life and certainly needs help. Have you told her about your concerns? It might seem a frightening thing for you to do, but you would only be acting out of love and compassion.

If nobody has mentioned it before she might think that no-one cares about her and I imagine she probably knows herself that she is not well. It only has to be something like "Mum I love you so much and you seem unhappy, is there anything I can do to help you, or would you like to talk to someone else about it?" If you feel unable to talk to her about it is there anyone else in the family you could confide in that could help?

In this world there are so many people struggling inside their heads, believing that no one gives a damn about them. If they only knew the truth, that at least one other person cares very much about them but is afraid to tell them because they are scared of the fallout. There have been situations in my own life where I have worried so much about a person, but have danced around the issue for a while, eventually when I could bear it no more have just talked compassionately to them and have gained so much insight into their situation that it has just been a relief for both of us.

The two people in my life were suffering from Bipolar disorder and disordered eating. They both knew what they wanted but were afraid to say it out loud, but they both really wanted someone to listen and care. You might not get the reaction you hoped for, but I think its better to regret doing something than to regret doing nothing.

By the way, I'm a Mum of a college student and if you were my son or daughter I would be so proud of you for the maturity and love you have shown for your Mum. She certainly did a great job with you.

xxx