Big Argument with Husband

a posse ad esse

My husband is telling me to resign from my job after an incident at work. I was assaulted by a resident who had a psychotic breakdown. First time I was assaulted by anyone on the job but not the first time to be in a middle of a violent psychotic breakdown. I will be honest, I was not hurt at all by this resident. I will admit I was more shocked than anything but not hurt. I want to add my husband was always supportive of the work I do and I have been working in this field since we started dating. After what happened he completely changed. I know he is concerned but he did say some awful things. He told me that he wants me to stay at home where I belong. He called me selfish that I would choose this work over him and the kids. He said he did not have a problem with me studying if I want. But he will only let me work a normal job. I am hurt and now angry at him. This is so unlike him and I do think he is overreacting just a bit. I called my mother this morning just to vent and I did tell her what happened. She told me to give him more space and that he may come around. She also told me she agreed with him! So I am not going to speak with my mother about this now as it is making me more upset. I do love my work and it's really all I want to do, I can't imagine doing something else.

My husband has not spoken to me much over the weekend, other than using yes or no statements. He spent most of Saturday out and he took the kids out Sunday (without me) and dropped them off to go out again and came back late. I let him be hoping that time would cool him off and we could talk more. I thought the weekend would be enough and on Monday things would get better. This morning, our third morning, he left without having coffee with me. This may not seem like a big deal to you but this has been our morning ritual since we got married. We always have our first cup in the morning together and we've been doing this 10 years even when we had disagreements. Now I am thinking it's worse than it is. He refused to kiss or hug me this morning when he left. I am off to work (another place similar field) shortly and will not return home until later this evening and won't see him until then. He expects me to have sent in my resignation this morning at the other place and I did not. He went as far as writing up the letter for me and I shredded it this morning.

I have to confront him but not sure how to do so without him storming out of the house or ignoring me altogether. I was thinking of speaking with my Clinical Director and asking her to talk to him but I think he would be angrier if I did that. Any thoughts?

username123

Sounds like a big reaction and possibly just the straw that broke the camels back? The bottom line here is that your husband is so worried for you that he cannot control himself and is losing it in anger because he cannot make you be safe in your job.

From your point of view you are entitled to do your job that you like doing.

Now lets step away from the particular incident. Would you be happy if your husband took up a job that he loved that carried great risk? Would you be happy if the risk was large enough such that he could die and leave the kids without a father, because he liked doing it, or would you think he was selfish to keep at it in the face of worrying his family so much?

I can see both sides. Before you married and had a family you only had yourself to be worried about. Now you have them too. But you are still your own person doing a job you love.

The only answer is communication and compromise. You and your husband need to talk, and not in anger.

strandroad

OP, he has no right to speak to you like this. Your job is not a risky hobby, it's an important job and I presume that he's been present when you were studying for it, applying for jobs etc. You had difficult time at work and instead of supporting you he goes to the extreme of scolding and then ignoring you? If this is how he reacts to stress it's extremely unfair on you.
My friend has been assaulted three times in the last year and she works in retail. You have chosen to work in a frontline service, presumably taking it all into account, and so it's very unfair of him to take it out on you when he witnesses the unpleasant side of it.

judgefudge

I think he's in the wrong here. Although I can see that it probably upsets him to think of you put in any kind of violent situation, he has absolutely no right to demand that you quit your job. And that's what it sounds like he's doing, demanding. Writing up a resignation letter for you? And now he's not talking to you until you quit?

It sounds like madness to me. If my partner tried to tell me what to do with my career I would tell him where to go. Saying he doesn't mind you studying for something different? Where does he get off?!

Like I said I can understand the concern but I wouldn't stand for the demands. Especially since you were unhurt. I don't know how to advise you OP, but if this is a job that means a lot to you I would say that you should stand your ground.

username123

mhge wrote: »

OP, he has no right to speak to you like this. Your job is not a risky hobby, it's an important job..

Ive changed my post to reflect a more accurate analogy - I simply wanted to present from the other perspective - job or hobby is irrelevant imo, the fact is that the person wants to do "whatever" and no one can tell anyone else what to do. But I see your point re a hobby versus an important job so made the change to reflect that and not sidetrack peoples rights to be doing hobbies versus jobs etc... (after reading your post I just think it makes for a less distracting comparison).

I dont think Id like my husband doing something risky, hobby or job. But I would not feel I was in a position to tell him what to do. However, I might remove myself from the situation rather than suffer the worry.

The OPs husbands reactions were all in anger, so although I do agree they were bad - words spoken in anger can be harsh and not meant.

Stavro Mueller

It's a toughie, it really is. I think if I was in your shoes I'd stand my ground for the time being and see what happens. My hope is that your husband's behaviour is just a rather extreme over-reaction to what happened. When someone's upset they can lose their sense of perspective. He probably has been more worried about you and your safety than he has let on and this attack was his worst fears come true.

If things don't resolve themselves in the short term, perhaps the both of you going to see some sort of third party mediator might help?

desbrook

This just doesn't add up OP . If his sole concern was the danger of you being assaulted he'd firstly ask you to change jobs not resign and study at home "where you belong ". Is this a strategy to get compensation or more compensation by any chance here ? Is the subject of you going out to work something that he has raised before ?

His behaviour by shutting you out is very worrying and would be a red flag for me . It's a bullying tactic pure and simple .I was in a turbulent marraige for ten years where my wife and I had rows often daily but we never shut each other out like that . Frankly it would be weird if this the first time he's ever behaved like this . You need to send him the message that if he continues this behavior nothing will be resolved or changed, the subject will not even be discussed .

My gut instinct though is that there are deeper issues at play here that aren't in your post or you may not be even aware of yourself .

strandroad

I agree with this, OP. The passage about you belonging in the home is very telling; it seems to say that what he really wants is for you to stop working altogether "for him and the kids". Also if you relate his language faithfully, it seems to be very controlling (it's not normal for one partner to "let" or "not let" the other one to work or to have a particular job) as are his actions (writing up the letter and expecting you to obey, ignoring you until you do).
Are you sure that it's only about the incident? When you look at it like this, he seems to be using the assault incident to push through his preexisting agenda, in a fairly bullish manner.

I for one applaud you for choosing a difficult job and doing it with love. I can see how it may become too much to handle for a person with family commitments or stress in other areas of life. But if it came to giving it up it should be your shared decision, driven by you and consulted with your family, and not by your husband's bullying.

Neyite

a posse ad esse wrote: »

My husband is telling me to resign from my job after an incident at work. I was assaulted by a resident who had a psychotic breakdown. First time I was assaulted by anyone on the job but not the first time to be in a middle of a violent psychotic breakdown. I will be honest, I was not hurt at all by this resident. I will admit I was more shocked than anything but not hurt. I want to add my husband was always supportive of the work I do and I have been working in this field since we started dating. After what happened he completely changed. I know he is concerned but he did say some awful things. He told me that he wants me to stay at home where I belong. He called me selfish that I would choose this work over him and the kids. He said he did not have a problem with me studying if I want. But he will only let me work a normal job. I am hurt and now angry at him. This is so unlike him and I do think he is overreacting just a bit.

Controlling words here. He has no right to dictate what you do for a living. He has no right to "let" you do something, to "allow" you certain freedoms such as studying. And he has a cheek to tell you you belong in the home!

wrote:

I called my mother this morning just to vent and I did tell her what happened. She told me to give him more space and that he may come around. She also told me she agreed with him! So I am not going to speak with my mother about this now as it is making me more upset. I do love my work and it's really all I want to do, I can't imagine doing something else.

She's your mammy. Of course she agrees that you should not work there if you are in harms way. She just wants to see you safe. My mother tells me not to drive in the dark, mind my purse, etc. It does not mean that she agrees that your husband should control you like a puppet though.

wrote:

My husband has not spoken to me much over the weekend, other than using yes or no statements. He spent most of Saturday out and he took the kids out Sunday (without me) and dropped them off to go out again and came back late. I let him be hoping that time would cool him off and we could talk more. I thought the weekend would be enough and on Monday things would get better. This morning, our third morning, he left without having coffee with me. This may not seem like a big deal to you but this has been our morning ritual since we got married. We always have our first cup in the morning together and we've been doing this 10 years even when we had disagreements. Now I am thinking it's worse than it is. He refused to kiss or hug me this morning when he left. I am off to work (another place similar field) shortly and will not return home until later this evening and won't see him until then. He expects me to have sent in my resignation this morning at the other place and I did not. He went as far as writing up the letter for me and I shredded it this morning.

I have to confront him but not sure how to do so without him storming out of the house or ignoring me altogether. I was thinking of speaking with my Clinical Director and asking her to talk to him but I think he would be angrier if I did that. Any thoughts?

Trying to manipulate you with his silence, storming off and stonewalling, and withdrawal of affection to get you to do what he wants you to do.

Writing up the letter? More controlling behaviour.

He is not treating you like an adult. Nor is he treating you like an equal in the relationship. Aside from this incident, does he tell you what to do /control your behaviour in other areas of your life? How does an ordinary argument between you get resolved? does he communicate and meet you half-way then, or does he do a variation of the above?

LegacyUser

As someone who works in a field I imagine is not a million miles from yours, I'm shocked.

I was assaulted at work last year by a psychotic resident who left me black and blue. I was able to control and neutralise the situation. My husbands reaction was utter sympathy and lots of hugs, and even more praise for how I handled it.

Never once did he utter one word of protest about my job - he is proud of my job, and thinks I'm doing good in the world.

(Now if I'd told my Mammy, she'd have much the same reaction as yours - this is why I never told her.)

Honestly? If my husband reacted like that? I'd be furious. How dare he? Who the hell does he think he is? Cos this is not a reaction borne out of concern - this is him putting you back in your box.

He is putting you on the back foot, portraying himself as some sort of victim. Well feck that.

And what if you capitulate? What if you stay at home? All those years down the drain. While the kids grow up and you grow too rusty to go back to it once they've trotted off to college. If your verrrry lucky, he may permit you to have a nice small job in a shop. Maybe the supermarket are hiring - would that be safe enough for him?

And you may forget about this studying lark. Open University is all he's thinking. Sure who'd look after him and the kids when you're in college all day?

Tis is not him overreacting "just a bit". This is him being a total p***ck, sorry but its true.

He is punishing you for not obeying him. You need to get tough and stand up to the bully.

But do not talk to your Clinical Director - it is a marital matter, not a work matter. Also, what could they do? Try to move you to a "safer" environment? If one even exists, it will paint you as someone made of glass. And it's not even you that has the problem with your current environment!

CaraMay

Friarselle, what's wrong with working in a shop? I think your post was very derogatory and I personally would be more worried if my husband were happy for me to be working in a job in which I could be attached at any given minute.

Maybe he is going about it the wrong way but maybe he is just worried as he cares. There is a high level.of histrionics in various replies here but just cos he wants her to have an easier life, doesn't mean he wants to control her.

Esoteric_

CaraMay wrote: »

Friarselle, what's wrong with working in a shop? I think your post was very derogatory and I personally would be more worried if my husband were happy for me to be working in a job in which I could be attached at any given minute.

Maybe he is going about it the wrong way but maybe he is just worried as he cares. There is a high level.of histrionics in various replies here but just cos he wants her to have an easier life, doesn't mean he wants to control her.

She didn't say that there's anything wrong with working in a shop... I think she was asking whether the husband would be happy with the OP working in a low risk, low paid job, rather than a high risk career.

As somebody who is studying to get into a field which will be extremely dangerous (if I get into it!), I am a little shocked at your husband. I completely understand him not wanting you to do a dangerous job, but his reaction is over the top.

Only you know how he reacts to things. Does he react similarly to other things that worry him? I know my dad reacts to worry by acting like a tyrant, maybe your husband reacted the same way, but out of worry?

I really think you need to speak to him about it. it's not a job, it's a career, and one you love, so you shouldn't even attempt to leave it just because he's telling you to!

a posse ad esse

Thanks for all your responses they’ve been really helpful.

I am currently enrolled in a graduate programme at the moment. I know my post sounds as if he was giving me permission to study. He was telling me that he supports me to continue with my education and to be clear, it was he who suggested we pack up and move over to Canada so I can pursue this research and academic endeavour.

His behaviour and how he handled it is not how he would have dealt with similar or other stress related events. We rarely argue and I mean that when I say that. When and if my husband becomes stressed he tends to withdraw himself never say mean or hurtful things or ignore me altogether. So I am perplexed at the severity of his reaction, to be honest.

I came home last night to find him in bed already and couldn’t speak to him. This morning he left before I got to say anything but tonight we did have dinner and he was talking more. I would prefer to speak with him about this in detail when the kids are not around. I asked neighbours if they would mind the kids tomorrow evening at their place so I will have this chat with my husband then.

I am thinking about how to handle it without losing it myself. I turned from being in shock to now :mad:

Honey-ec

CaraMay wrote: »

Friarselle, what's wrong with working in a shop? I think your post was very derogatory and I personally would be more worried if my husband were happy for me to be working in a job in which I could be attached at any given minute.

Working in a shop is a job. The OP has a career which she clearly enjoys and feels strongly about. There's a big difference, and acknowledging that isn't the same as saying there's anything wrong with working in a shop.

I don't think anyone's husband (or wife) would be "happy" for them to be working in a job that carries the risk of attack. But, some careers are inherently more risky than others, and if the person working in that career accepts the risks, has been trained to minimise them and loves the work they do, then their partner should accept that. They don't have to be happy about it, but they should accept it.

desbrook

Honey-ec wrote: »

Working in a shop is a job. The OP has a career which she clearly enjoys and feels strongly about. There's a big difference, and acknowledging that isn't the same as saying there's anything wrong with working in a shop.

I don't think anyone's husband (or wife) would be "happy" for them to be working in a job that carries the risk of attack. But, some careers are inherently more risky than others, and if the person working in that career accepts the risks, has been trained to minimise them and loves the work they do, then their partner should accept that. They don't have to be happy about it, but they should accept it.

The real issue is not the risk or lack of it . It's the way the OP's husband is acting . I avoid saying reacting because to me and other posters physical risk at work is just a convienent mask for deeper marital issues . He is acting in a controlling and demeaning way which is out of character according to the OP -all very worrying .

OP - you never addressed my point about seeking compensation . You also mentioned Canada - are you both under any financial strain ?

P. Breathnach

a posse ad esse wrote: »

...
I am thinking about how to handle it without losing it myself. I turned from being in shock to now :mad:

It looks to me as if your husband's reaction is rooted in concern for your welfare. Try not to lose sight of that.

The way he has behaved probably reflects both his personality and the relationship between the two of you.

My first guess is that he is not very good at dealing with conflict. You say his usual way is to withdraw into himself. It might be that this event troubles him so much that he cannot just go quiet and wait for things to get better: he may feel he needs to take control of the situation for your benefit, and he is making a mess of the job.

My second guess is that you are in at least some respects a stronger person than he is, and he finds himself unable to look after you as he would wish to - in large part because you don't want to be protected in that way, and you have let him know that. So that compounds his difficulty, and he is now concerned, angry, frustrated, and sulking. I feel a lot of sympathy for him: he is not in a happy place.

Yes, it is important that he respect your choices: what you choose to do with your life is part of what you are. But at this time and in the present circumstances it is very difficult for him.

I think he needs help in coming to terms with the situation, and you should be his first and best helper.

It's an argument you need to win, but you need to win it without vanquishing him.

LittleBook

a posse ad esse wrote: »

Thanks for all your responses they’ve been really helpful.

I am currently enrolled in a graduate programme at the moment. I know my post sounds as if he was giving me permission to study. He was telling me that he supports me to continue with my education and to be clear, it was he who suggested we pack up and move over to Canada so I can pursue this research and academic endeavour.

His behaviour and how he handled it is not how he would have dealt with similar or other stress related events. We rarely argue and I mean that when I say that. When and if my husband becomes stressed he tends to withdraw himself never say mean or hurtful things or ignore me altogether. So I am perplexed at the severity of his reaction, to be honest.

I came home last night to find him in bed already and couldn’t speak to him. This morning he left before I got to say anything but tonight we did have dinner and he was talking more. I would prefer to speak with him about this in detail when the kids are not around. I asked neighbours if they would mind the kids tomorrow evening at their place so I will have this chat with my husband then.

I am thinking about how to handle it without losing it myself. I turned from being in shock to now :mad:

Ah OK, let's pull on this thread a little. You say this is not a normal reaction from him. You've moved lock, stock and barrel to Canada to pursue your career (at his suggestion).

Do you not think there might be other issues entirely which are the source of this out-of-character outburst?

a posse ad esse

Yes it was his suggestion and support that had us move over here because I thought it was a bad idea initially. We both had very good jobs in Ireland and we're settled there so I thought it was a ridiculous thought to leave all that behind and start fresh.

Financially we are doing the same if not better here. My husband works less hours and makes more money than what he did over in Ireland. He got a job here relatively fast for being an outsider (non-French speaking immigrant) whereas myself I got work through the help of the uni and support from my advisor. I work less hours now then what I did because I am concentrated on my studies, research and thesis. My husband even gets to work from the home Thursdays and Fridays while I am at the centre.

deisemum

His behaviour is very worrying, all the more reason to hang on to your job so you are not financially dependent on him and you maintain some independence if his behaviour continues and things deteriorate, at least you'll have more options.

LittleBook

a posse ad esse wrote: »

Yes it was his suggestion and support that had us move over here because I thought it was a bad idea initially. We both had very good jobs in Ireland and we're settled there so I thought it was a ridiculous thought to leave all that behind and start fresh.

Financially we are doing the same if not better here. My husband works less hours and makes more money than what he did over in Ireland. He got a job here relatively fast for being an outsider (non-French speaking immigrant) whereas myself I got work through the help of the uni and support from my advisor. I work less hours now then what I did because I am concentrated on my studies, research and thesis. My husband even gets to work from the home Thursdays and Fridays while I am at the centre.

In theory it all sounds good, but when you speak to him you should consider that this reaction, which has so surprised you, could be connected to the move ... or something else entirely.

I moved to a country where I wasn't a native speaker, had a great job, more money, better childcare, fantastic weather ... but it was still really, really hard having left the friends and family I had in my home country.

For the record, I'm not condoning his outburst at all but if you're saying yourself it's completely out of character then I wonder if there's an underlying issue.

I just find it hard to take him seriously when he says:

he wants me to stay at home where I belong. He called me selfish that I would choose this work over him and the kids. He said he did not have a problem with me studying if I want. But he will only let me work a normal job.

and yet he was the one who wanted to move specifically to advance your career. Good luck!

miamee

^^ I'd echo this. If you are working and studying a lot and he has no close friends or family nearby, he may be feeling extremely isolated and lonely and the idea of having you at home with him and the kids more appeals to him.
I'm not in any way saying that he has expressed this in the right way but that may be it and he might not even realise himself what is up with him or why he reacted the way he did. I know you are angry with him but also be open to the possibility that he is struggling with something.

Good luck OP, hope you get to the bottom of this together

a posse ad esse

We had our discussion and his anger came from me blocking him out when I don’t discuss details when events happen at work. I know I am not good at opening up about this aspect of my life, but my husband worries often and at times I’m afraid to say anything. I usually block details of work incidences just because I prefer to keep my work at work. I guess he feels left out in that aspect of my life but I do share openly about everything else. My job can get the best of me at times and rather not say much. I love to share with him my work on the academic or research level but when it comes to the work at the office stuff I don’t say much or if anything at all other than it was busy or a good day kind of statements.

His nasty comments stem from the frustration of it all. I sometimes feel his support is on the surface but deep down inside he does not like what I do or the population I work with. I am beginning to realise that he probably took this opportunity to be spiteful. He is still adamant that I stop working to take a break. He wants to see if I am really passionate about it and if I do miss it. This is the first and only work I've done since I completed my degree years ago.

I did tell him I shredded the letter and was upset with the way he expressed his grievances. I was not only shocked by his authoritative tone I also told him he is never to demand what I can or cannot do. Though, I am taking a step back and took at heart of some of what he expressed to me. The incident was rather severe, the resident smashed 10 windows, vandalised the entire main office, was able to obtain a garden tool as a weapon, grabbed me and shoved me against the wall in a span of ten minutes. It took police 15 minutes to arrive at the scene as we work in the countryside with no local police. My colleagues expressed more anger and were shaken by the incident while I felt nothing and I was the one who got attacked. The only feeling I had was shock at how much damage he did but not about the attack. I don’t know if my lack of reaction was because I felt bad for him or that I’m completely desensitised or disassociate myself from the incident and have no emotion at all.

It's possible that the shock about the incident might kick in later, OP, once this dispute with your husband is settled and you're going back to "normal" again.

kylith

It sounds to me like you're husband didn't realise that you might be in such danger at work, and now he wants you to be somewhere safe - at home - rather than at work where he can't protect you.

I can understand where he's coming from, but of course he has no right to try dictate to you what you can and can't do. I think that knowing more about the industry you're in, the safety measures, the rarity of incidents like that, would probably help him to be calmer about what you do because, in his mind, every time you go to work you're at risk of attack. Imagine if he'd been the one to be attacked at work, you'd probably be worried sick about him going back there. Being better informed about what goes on day-to-day would probably help him feel more relaxed.

a posse ad esse

kylith wrote: »

I think that knowing more about the industry you're in, the safety measures, the rarity of incidents like that, would probably help him to be calmer about what you do because, in his mind, every time you go to work you're at risk of attack.

This is what I've decided to do from now tell my husband more regardless of what his reactions may be. I think my husband treats me like I am made of glass. I may be petite and small to him physically but emotionally I'm the stronger person or I am able to look at things differently then he is able to. I think my husband hopes that I would become tired or worned out from it all and I would leave to do something different as most of my former colleagues have done over the years.