Sly Sisters

Anyusername

I realise this is going to be an odd post but just looking for guidance if any. My two younger sisters live at home and anytime I go home, they always wait for me to do the wash up. They are spiteful too texting each other when I'm there.:( It could be cos they live there and I'm not down as often but I live 4 hours away...
Don't get me wrong, I do nearly everything when I'm down from cooking the dinner, tea etc.
The sister would maybe dry up the dishes but never wash or cook anything if I was there. The thing is they are only 27 and I'm in my thirties which makes it worse!
You see, I could not just wait like they do, I have to go ahead and wash up. Anyway, I know they are waiting and will wait for as long as I'm ready to do it. What I think is, they think cos I'm don't live there, it's my duty when I come down to visit..
Another time, one of the girls put on the kettle and waited for me to come back from the bathroom to make it. Did not ask me to make it but was lying off on the couch with no intention to make it so I just went ahead and made it.
It does not make the time pleasant when I go visiting. I just wish things would go back to normal but I don't think they ever will.:( I am very very shy so would never say anything. I don't stay down as long as I used to because of the uncomfortableness.

P.S Of course I don't mind doing the wash up, it's just the way they are acting down there and it makes it very uncomfortable. I sometimes just feel like crying and have done, it's ridiculous at my age. I also just broke up with my boyfriend of 7 years and they could not give a toss. I told them why I broke it off with him and really wish I had not now.

Merkin

A lot of bad behavior is inexcusable but a lot of bad behaviour can also be avoided if one decides not to facilitate it. It seems like they are lazy and spoilt and yet you have taken on the role of the downtrodden Cinderella-type sister to the two Ugly ones quite seamlessly! Stand up for yourself! Do your own dishes and tell them to get up off their arses. Also, just because one of them puts on the kettle (which hardly requires a huge amount of effort) don't bother rising to the bait and make them tea, make your own ffs. All of the situations you describe can be avoided if you decide to be a bit more assertive. I also think that as a woman in your thirties you really shouldn't be dedicating any amount of worry time to such pettiness. Start standing up for yourself!

Citycap

Unless there are compelling reasons to visit e.g. a very sick parent, why even bother to put yourself through this. Families are not always friends and why waste your life on them

Stavro Mueller

Citycap wrote: »

Unless there are compelling reasons to visit e.g. a very sick parent, why even bother to put yourself through this. Families are not always friends and why waste your life on them

^^ This. I've seen posts here from people who've been upset and hurt by the behaviour of their siblings towards them. Being related to someone doesn't automatically mean they're going to like or respect you. Far from it in some cases! It goes without saying that you shouldn't ever confide in these Biddies ever again.

I agree with what Merkin says. You do need to learn to be more assertive. Not just with your sisters but with everyone. Learning to say "No" is an invaluable skill to have. Otherwise there will always be people only too willing to walk all over you.

I'm assuming that at least one of your parents is still alive and that's why you're still visiting the home place. That being the case you really do need to learn how to stand up for yourself. They're not going to change but you need to.

Anyusername

Thanks, I know I have to stand up for myself alright.
It's just hard when there is 2 against one.
Just one parent left that's why I go down to visit still.
Suppose I will just go for a walk after dinner next time or something.
If I wait there, there is no way they will do the dishes.

I feel that because they are at home all the time, they do a lot of things around the house and when I come down to visit they just sit back and relax cos it's my turn so to speak.

LittleBook

Anyusername wrote: »

I feel that because they are at home all the time, they do a lot of things around the house and when I come down to visit they just sit back and relax cos it's my turn so to speak.

Yes, because it's their home. Of course they should do a lot of things around the house and they should not expect a visitor/guest to be their maid.

Who in the world do you think would put up with this other than a family member like yourself who facilitates their behaviour?!

You're the eldest, it's possible you're stuck in the mindset of looking after them that you may have developed growing up. Or you have some guilt about being away and "leaving them" at home.

Whatever it stems from, you're the only person who can change this situation. Remember that you're a visitor, not a servant.

Boombastic

Stop doing the work. Spend the time with the people you went to visit. When you leave, the mess will still be there, but you won't. They'll clean it sometime

meeeeh

I actually don't know what is the problem. You don't have to do anything. It's not like you'll be left with a mess. It all seems a bit childish to me, I had arguments like that with my brother in my teens.

I don't agree with people who think guests should do nothing. When visiting the family i think it's polite to offer some help. If somebody is cooking then maybe someone else can do washing up.

Pinesky

OP is your parent sick or incapacitated in some way. If so i think i can put some context on your sisters behaviour.

Anyusername

Was sick not anymore. I visited every 2/3 weeks and still do.I feel they think this was not enough! They are living there rent free though with no bills etc.

MissFlitworth

Anyusername wrote: »

You see, I could not just wait like they do, I have to go ahead and wash up.

There could be another way of looking at this, not so much that your sisters are like 'Jackpot! Anyusername is home! No dishes for us!' as that they just do dishes on a different timescale than you. Having dishes sitting around after a meal might make you twitchy and uncomfortable whereas they might be in a routine where they clear up after themselves a couple of hours after eating or later that evening? From reading your post it seems like you're so wound up about how you feel they're texting each other when you're there and how you're really expecting them to be leave the dishes for you that you're buzzing in to do them and not leaving anyone else with a chance?

There's nothing bad going to happen if you just don't do the dishes. I'm guessing there aren't great big piles of pots sitting around waiting for you to come home and do them every time you're there so it's not like your family just won't clean up after themselves. You won't come back in 3 weeks time to a family of rats living in the casserole dish from your last visit.

Try not to assume that because something isn't done when you'd like it to be done that it's meant as a sly dig at you to get the fairy liquid out.

Zen65

LittleBook wrote: »

Yes, because it's their home. Of course they should do a lot of things around the house and they should not expect a visitor/guest to be their maid.

Maybe I'm just showing my age here, but this argument over delph and cooking is not the issue at all.

It is in your own interest to maintain a relationship with your siblings. Friends come and go, but family will (usually) pull together. Your sisters seem to be caring for your parent, and that's a very important thing for you, and for your parent. But they may well feel trapped and unappreciated for all they do. They may simply have grown up being cared for by their older sister, and when you return they revert to this behaviour because it is engrained in their psyche. There's any number of reasons why they may be behaving in this way, but you're not discussing it with them, and by filling in the silence with your own insecurities and issues you are damaging the relationship you have with them.

Their apparent lack of empathy seems worse to you because you shared a personal matter with them (your break-up) and they did not reciprocate with sympathy. Perhaps they cannot. Perhaps they are unable to express such feelings towards you because that would be a role-reversal which they are not yet equipped to cope with.

You say you are shy; I'll bet they would say the same thing about themselves - that sort of quality often runs in families. They have each other, so they may be able to hide their shyness from you. Perhaps they would love to have a mature adult-to-adult relationship with you but they cannot, now. The presence of the parent, the distance between you, the age gap, all reinforce the sibling relationships from early years. When your parent dies, you may struggle to hold a relationship with these sisters unless you move to a more adult position with them right now.

Don't fret over the dishes. Do them while you're there to show your sisters that you appreciate what they are doing for your parent. Do not tell yourself that they have it easy because they live rent-free; this is not an accurate representation of what is happening. Do your sisters feel free to live their own lives, to have their own relationships, their own families? Or do they feel a sense of obligation towards the elderly parent, which drives them to curtail their own social development? I have never yet known a family where the one who minds the parent feels appreciated by their other siblings, and I expect the same is true for your sisters. They may well feel trapped in their lives, because caring for a parent is emotionally and physically hard work. Don't compare this to the effort of the drive to see them, nor the effort of making tea, nor washing up a few dishes. The dishes do not cry at night, they do not develop a fever, they do not express fear over their own mortality.

When your parent is gone, the ties between you and your sisters become more important. If it is possible to do so without surrender of yourself, then you should maintain a healthy relationship with them. It is at that stage that you can discuss as adults who might prepare the meal, wash the dishes, make the tea. It takes work, it takes gave-and-take, but it is a worthwhile effort.

Be at peace,

Z

Anyusername

They are both in relationships and their social life is not curtailed.
They head away for weekends and do all the normal things that go with been in a relationship.
My parent is in early 50's

Big Bag of Chips

How do you know they are leaving it for you?
Do you know the routine when you are not there?
Are the dishes always done immediately after dinner? Or do they sit around for a while before doing them?

If they're texting each other while you are there, it might be something along the lines of.. "Can she not just sit down for five minutes and relax? The dishes will still be there in an hour..."

You seem to think that because you are not living there, that when you go back you need to pull your weight. It doesn't seem, from your post, that they have this perception. But maybe they are delighted that you are flustering around doing everything.

The kettle thing? I could boil the kettle - sit down - get distracted watching something or reading something, and only think of it about 20 minutes later.

Your sisters may be childish and petty. They may be conspiring against you, and have you running around after them... OR they may just be doing what they always normally do when they are at home, and you are the one causing the friction in the house?

We can't know for certain from just a few lines of a post, but I think you are drawing a lot of problems on yourself. If you want to wash up - wash up. If you don't - don't. If you want a cup of tea, make it. If you want to give a shout "Anyone want a cup?", do.

In my parents' house one person could boil the kettle, and someone different could make the tea. No conspiracy, no petty childishness of leaving it for someone else - just the way it happens.

Anyusername

The dishes were always done pretty much straight after so this waiting thing is new.

I just thought there, last time I arrived down evening time on a Fri and they were after having their tea. I got my tea when I went down and had a sandwich so you guessed it, I did the dishes! They had no intention of doing them as I was down. They were both lying off on couch. I guess they make me feel guilty so I just go ahead and do them. This texting thing, was about half an hour after I entered the house and tbh it was v hurtful. I felt like saying to the one reading the text can you not make out what the other sis is saying as she had a frown actually trying to make it out.

Anyway, I'm going to stop worrying over this and I'm sure if I don't do them, they will be left till next day or someone else will do them!

Merkin

Anyusername wrote: »

The dishes were always done pretty much straight after so this waiting thing is new.

Who says so? The more I read the more is seems like you may actually be creating these problems for yourself. Your sisters may want to have supper and then enjoy a chill out on the sofa to digest their food before tackling the dishes, I think that's fair enough. Especially as they LIVE there. Seems like maybe you want to impose your rules in their house and because they're not compliant or letting you get on with it you've taken this as a personal slight. I also think you may be paranoid about the texting. If you insist on doing the dishes as soon as you've eaten your last morsel that's fine but it's also fine to leave them for a while if that's what they want to do, then let them. Just do your own - problem solved.