Friend's boyfriend makes no effort to know us?

rox5

Ever since I met my friend's boyfriend, all I ever got out of him was a "Hi". He has made no effort on his part to get to know us, his girlfriend's friend. Our other friend even said when we all hung out one night, I could not talk to him because place was so crowded but she could as she was closest to him and she even says how she was always the one starting the conversation, he really made no effort to start up a convo himself. I looked over at him at one point and all he did was stare at his drink when he did not have his girlfriend to talk to.

So that annoyed a bit since I know that my friend made the effort to know his mates at least. Then the second time we all hung out was at my friend's brother's wedding after party, and it was then that it was obvious he did not want to know us. It was less crowded so I was near enough to him at the table, but music was playing loudly and I hate talking over music, so every now and again I would look up at him to make some eye contact, and then continue on from there by talking about something. But I might as well have been invisable, he was either talking to my friend (his girlfriend), his mate, or just looking in all other directions.
I mean I understand that some people can be shy, but not even give me eye contact to me or my other friend to acknowledge us, or not to even ask a small little thing here or there, was really bad form on his part.

Worst thing is is that I can't talk to my friend about it because she will just get defensive and assume we are making s**t up, and choose him over us, I know her character now by this stage. And now when it comes to going out, she always wants to go out with him and his mates and wants me to join, but I never do because of stuff like this.

What do you think? Have you any similiar stories to this? Do you agree that he should have made some effort or should I give it time?

Tigger99

Maybe I'm way Off here but I really really feel for that boyfriend. Bloody he'll if he's picking up on even half your annoyance no wonder he's quiet.

He could be crap at small talk, maybe he doesn't know what to say to you or your other friends, he could have personal stuff going on.

You aren't going out with this guy, why should you give it time?

DonQuigleone

I wouldn't actually think much of it. For instance, I personally don't really have any interest in getting to know any of my friend's girlfriends. I just don't have much in common with any of them.

Another thing to bear in mind, is that he's probably mainly interested in your friend, and not interested in you, which might be why he was ignoring you. Maybe when he's been in the relationship longer he'll be more open.

It might be nice if he made the effort to get to know you, but ultimately as long he doesn't try to prevent you meeting with your friend, I see no issues.

In fact, in many ways it can be desirable to keep relationships separate. If you don't hang out or talk much with the boyfriend, that makes it easier for your friend to talk to you when she's having relationship trouble, as you can only be on "her side". It's important to have these kind of friendships.

And he could always just be shy. Many people have difficulty initiating conversations, and he could even be intimidated by you. Maybe he's afraid of putting his foot in it, and making a bad impression (oh the irony...).

Try and understand things from his perspective. In all likelihood, he's probably a good guy (after all your friend is going out with him). Maybe find out a bit more about him from your friend, and see if you can come to understand him a bit better.

As long as he is a good boyfriend and doesn't harm his girlfriend, then it doesn't really matter. You're her friend, not his. Just because he starts going out with someone doesn't mean he inherits the friends.

ivytwine

Maybe he's simply shy? I knew one of my closest friend's boyfriend for four years before we became friends on Facebook! He just doesn't know what to say to new people, especially girls. He's a nice guy, just shy.

When you start going out with someone you are on your best behaviour; some girls are jealous and maybe he's had a bad experience being friendly to a girlfriend's friend in the past. You also meet loads of new people and it's quite intimidating.

Unless he's out and out rude, I don't see what the problem is. He doesn't have to be your best bud.

desbrook

It's actually was your friend's responsibility to introduce you to this boyfriend of hers. Introducing does not just mean saying " Mary-this is John " . It means a bit more, like making some point of humour and common interest so people can get chatting. I know it sounds a bit formal but it's common sense and basic manners.
I see where other posters are coming from saying you don't have to be HIS friend and vice versa. However the reality is that if this relationship takes off theres will be lots of social situations maybe for years to come where this guy and her gang including you will be in contact.
You do need to say something to your friend but don't blame anyone . Be sympathetic to the new boyfriend in your tone and ask her to try and initiate a bit of chat between you all .

Kold

Why do you care so much? It really seems like you care too much about someone who doesnt necessarily have to be your friend.

Stavro Mueller

We don't know why he's ignoring ye. It could be anything from shyness to rudeness. In my experience, most boyfriends/girlfriends of people I've known have made the effort to chat to the rest of us. It's good manners in my opinion.

Regardless of what's going on, my advice remains the same. Say nothing.
I'm not all that crazy about the partners of a handful of my own friends/relatives but they're never ever going to hear this. It's none of my business, they're (hopefully) happy with them and it's not my place to judge. If you reverse the roles for a moment, think about how you would feel if one of your friends criticized your boyfriend.

So next time your friend invites you out, go. It's her you're socializing with, not yer man. Maybe his mates might be more sociable than he is and you might make some new friends. Also, why not invite your friend out for a cup of coffee or something that doesn't entail the boyfriend coming along?

rox5

Kold wrote: »

Why do you care so much? It really seems like you care too much about someone who doesnt necessarily have to be your friend.

I actually don't, I am not expecting him to be my friend, it's just for two reasons, number one I would have thought he would have like to chat to us at least, since he is our friend's boyfriend and we might have to see him a lot and
then number two, that is it, my friend never really wants a girls only night out or hang out anymore, she always wants to bring him so I would think that if he is always going to be with us from now on he would try and get to know his girlfriend's friends at least.

I just think it is all about making a good impression, plenty of other friend's boyfriends have made a good impression, and if I ever get a boyfriend I want him to do the same, as well as my other friends making the effort too.

djimi

Some people are not good at small talk, especially when in a group full of people that they dont know. Put me in with a group of strangers and I would struggle to say two words to any of them; doesnt mean that I dont want to get to know them, I just tend to go into my shell when Im around people that I dont know.

Cut the guy some slack; maybe you need to make more of an effort with him. If he remains stand off-ish or downright rude then you might have a problem, but chances are he just feels intimidated and needs to feel more at ease.

rox5

Hey I am not SAYING that I want to be his mate! I mean if we have a lot in common and end up being mates, then great,
it's just that I know my friend, she will want to bring him on nights out all the time now, so we are going to have to talk at some point, and I hate trying to chat to someone who really looks like they don't want to know, even if I have met him loads of times.

Ok to be honest, I think some part of me wants to find something negative about him, because my friend, ever since I knew her two years ago, is obsessed with guys. She kinda puts guys before mates, like she can't just enjoy a night out with girls, she sits there all quiet, it always has to include a random guy to shift. And when she is talking to or texting guys, it's like talking to a wall, she is completely oblivious to you. Also she still wanted to go off with these guys even though they were d**kheads to her and us (example: she asks a guy she has been meeting if he can give her and me a lift to a pub, he basically said out that he does not want me in the car, only her and have her give a b**wjob while he is driving. If a guy said that to me over my friend, I'd tell him he an f**k his lift then)

We have tried to give her advice over stuff like this, but it literally goes in one ear and out the other ear, she just does not get it. Her best friend from primary school just bascially gave up on her and has not spoken to her for a year even since she got her boyfriend because she will only ever want to hang out with him.

DonQuigleone

Sounds to me that it's not the guy who has the problem, but your friend.

Your friend seems to have a dysfunctional relationship with men.

If you think the guy is a decent sort, you might try and talk to him about it. Of course, if your friend is like that, you might just have to give up on her. She clearly has a one track mind.

The fact that her best friend from Primary school also gave up on her would ring alarm bells to me. She clearly has a problem.

Either way, I think the guy is fairly blameless in all this. If you're lucky, he might turn out to be an ally. He probably doesn't like the idea of being attached to her at the hip anymore then you do.

ivytwine

There's a lot more to this then. I think many of us have had a friend/or have been that friend who is boy crazy.

At the moment, the only negative to this guy is his inability to hold a conversation with ye. That to me makes him a hell of a lot better than car-blowjob guy.

Say nothing for the moment. Genuinely, if he's an ass, his true colours will show. If not, then not.

OP you need to have a serious conversation with this friend and say you don't appreciate how she's treating ye and constantly puts guys first. But don't mention Johnny Tightlips, as this is about her and her behaviour with guys. Some people are like that; some change, some don't. But in the meantime, don't make a huge effort with her. I know it sounds harsh but just invite her out once, and don't beg her if she's saying no. If she sees you're getting on fine without her it might jolt her into sense. I know it sounds harsh and mean, but it was done to me and I was glad of it.

Irish_Elect_Eng

On a similar vein, I remember from my twenties a couple of similar situations:

Where I was dating a girl that had a big gaggle of friends that I never spoke much to on nights out. The main reason was that my GF had warned me that they were jealous anytime any of them got a new boyfriend and tended to pull-the-piss, frill him, make him uncomfortable etc. often resulting in the guys disappearing from the scene. So I was polite and focused on my GF and did not engage on these nights out. (GF was amused)

In another situation, I was dating a girl that was not the "best looking" in her group of friends, her assessment not mine, and had some confidence issues. From previous dates, with my friends I knew that she preferred that I did not chat too-long to other girls on nights out with her. Two of her friends were,not to put to fine a point on it, boy-sluts, and she was threatened when they turned on the charm when we were out at night with them. So while I spoke freely with some of her friends I pretty much blanked the two that she was uncomfortable with me spending any time with.

Dating is complicated sometimes :-)

rox5

ivytwine wrote: »

OP you need to have a serious conversation with this friend and say you don't appreciate how she's treating ye and constantly puts guys first. But don't mention Johnny Tightlips, as this is about her and her behaviour with guys. Some people are like that; some change, some don't. But in the meantime, don't make a huge effort with her. I know it sounds harsh but just invite her out once, and don't beg her if she's saying no. If she sees you're getting on fine without her it might jolt her into sense. I know it sounds harsh and mean, but it was done to me and I was glad of it.

I would but it is no use. I mean if she thinks you are angry with her, she will pester you for the reason, but when you give it to her, she just gets defensive and never actually tries to see mine or anyone elses point and see if she can learn. So many people have dropped her and she cannot see that she is the common dominator. I had people drop me too but at least I knew their reasons and totally understood why, and everyday I try to work on those negative flaws that I have that draw away friends, but she doesn't.

car.kar

Hey OP, I was in a very similar situation to yourself a few years ago.

A friend of mine was going out with this guy who made absolutely no effort to get to know us. Most of the previous posters have said it's no big deal and why are you bothered - and in fairness, as long as your friend is happy they are right - but I understand your concern. Our friend brought her boyfriend to a barbecue where there were about six or seven of us, and we made a big effort to get to know him. We chatted about things that were easy to jump into - films and movies and the like - but he never made an input, completely ignored us, and just sat there on his phone. Then when she left to go inside for something, he followed her. We were quite taken aback and we found it very rude and disconcerting. We thought perhaps he was just painfully shy, but this kind of continued every time she brought him out - we'd try and involve him in things that were easy to talk about, and he'd continue to follow her around like a puppy and avoid eye contact with us all.

I mean I do understand that as long as your friend is happy that should be all that matters, but you do have a right to be concerned. Rudeness is an unpleasant character trait, and would make you worry that he's not a nice person. Each relationship is different - some people don't want to be involved in their partner's lives outside the relationship - but I personally do, and would be a bit put off if my other half didn't make an effort to get to know my friends, because they're important to me and I'd feel like he doesn't care that much about something that's a huge part of my life.

In short, I completely understand your concern, but really as long as your friend is happy with this guy, I wouldn't rock the boat too much by telling her you don't like the fact that he doesn't make an effort. Maybe he just takes a reeeeeally long time to come out of his shell.