Take him back?

2bcontinued

Hi,

My last post was 10 months ago. When my ex cheated on me, when our child was 4 months old. I got so upset with him, that I ended things with him.

He comes to see his child, pays maintenance and covers whatever he may require. He is now back in Ireland, after his work assignment abroad and wants us to work thing out. I'm not sure about this. He is not showing me how sorry he is. In fact he only said sorry to me few weeks ago, when I said (you cheated on me, and never said sorry) so he just apologised. Don't know if be meant it.

Long story short, I manage to move on, I started to mend my broken heart and concentrated on my child.

I'm happy now, I'm not angry at him anymore. I'm afraid being with him, will dampen my progress. I have mixed emotions about taking him back. Part of me wants to go back, I'm hoping we could be as we were. Part of me, thinks it's not good idea as I have come so far.

I'm kinda seeing, someone. We not serious, he is a DR who I see every 2 weeks and we have so much fun. I get spoiled in all ways. We know, it's just for company (he is not married) but doesn't want commitment. I happy with this as I don't want anything serious too.

What should I do? If I take him back, should I reveal my ' friend' to him. I'm debating with myself. Help!

Thanks in advance.

blatantrereg

You can't go back to how you were, you can only move forward.

If he had confessed to you, then you might trust that he had learnt from it, and might be able to start something new with him.

But he didn't; not even after he was caught, so you can't trust him. You have no way of knowing whether he would be faithful, or even if he has any genuine intention of it. Even if he does, you won't be able to trust him, and that means suffering if you did try to be with him again.

You might feel compelled to try for the sake of your child. That would not be a logical decision imo. It sounds like you can be on reasonably good terms with him as things are now. Trying to start things again will damage that, stir up pain and mistrust. I think it would be preferable to have two separate parents who get on ok, rather than them in a broken relationship with bad feeling.

A relationship is founded on belief. You cannot realistically believe him now. A functional relationship is not possible.

I suggest you tell him that, in absolute terms, and try to maintain a good cooperative relationship regarding the raising of your child.

I wouldn't see any reason to tell him about the person you are seeing now. That wouldn't be the reason for not wanting to try things again. It would just cause pain, and I see no need to do that. If he asks directly then be straightforward, but make it clear that he is not the reason. It would be best not to incite feelings of jealousy; they usually only manifest in negative ways.

starling

+1 Everything blatantrereg just said.

It doesn't sound like he even realises that he's ruined the trust you had, I don't know him but from what you're saying he seems very selfish. Just turning up and saying "Hey can we give it another shot?" without even acknowledging what he did and that he knows it was wrong? He's either very very stupid or very very self-involved.
A lot of people will just say "sorry" when they're not really sorry, but if he didn't even bother to do that, I'm not sure you can expect any better from him in the future.
Out of curiosity what is it that makes you consider taking him back?

2bcontinued

starling wrote: »

+1 Everything blatantrereg just said.

It doesn't sound like he even realises that he's ruined the trust you had, I don't know him but from what you're saying he seems very selfish. Just turning up and saying "Hey can we give it another shot?" without even acknowledging what he did and that he knows it was wrong? He's either very very stupid or very very self-involved.
A lot of people will just say "sorry" when they're not really sorry, but if he didn't even bother to do that, I'm not sure you can expect any better from him in the future.
Out of curiosity what is it that makes you consider taking him back?

Now that you have asked that. I can't come up with a solid answer. I don't think I love him, enough, anymore.

2bcontinued

blatantrereg wrote: »

You can't go back to how you were, you can only move forward.

If he had confessed to you, then you might trust that he had learnt from it, and might be able to start something new with him.

But he didn't; not even after he was caught, so you can't trust him. You have no way of knowing whether he would be faithful, or even if he has any genuine intention of it. Even if he does, you won't be able to trust him, and that means suffering if you did try to be with him again.

You might feel compelled to try for the sake of your child. That would not be a logical decision imo. It sounds like you can be on reasonably good terms with him as things are now. Trying to start things again will damage that, stir up pain and mistrust. I think it would be preferable to have two separate parents who get on ok, rather than them in a broken relationship with bad feeling.

A relationship is founded on belief. You cannot realistically believe him now. A functional relationship is not possible.

I suggest you tell him that, in absolute terms, and try to maintain a good cooperative relationship regarding the raising of your child.

I wouldn't see any reason to tell him about the person you are seeing now. That wouldn't be the reason for not wanting to try things again. It would just cause pain, and I see no need to do that. If he asks directly then be straightforward, but make it clear that he is not the reason. It would be best not to incite feelings of jealousy; they usually only manifest in negative ways.

Thanks for your reply. Your advice just made it all clear. We get along now, it would be a disaster if we tried again. Perhaps the saying 'let sleeping dogs lie' is very relevant in this case.

Thank you.