Chronic lonliness

LegacyUser

I can't take the feeling of being lonely anymore. I'm sick and tired of it. I won't go into huge details about my situation but I live with my younger brother and sister. We pretty much all do our own things. Not much together time is spent or not much emphasis is put on it. 90% of the time I'm alone, I sleep a lot or do mundane and boring things to pass time like other people, TV etc. I don't have much friends. I'm 22 and for my age I just feel like I should have more social connections made in life. I've never had a gf nor really have any experience with the opposite sex, it's actually embarrassing and makes me feel worthless, weird, like an outcast etc. I mean literally none. Never had someone fancy me or go out with me, never held hands or kissed or had sex with anyone, literally! I don't know anyone else like me. I constantly think about myself and my situation and I can never tell myself good things, I hammer myself constantly, I have pretty good confidence which is kind of paradoxical. It's not about sex, it's just, outside of my family and a few other people I've known all my life, no one really knows me. And I think thats kind of annoying me. I've not impacted or made any social connections at my age, I don't feel I'm good enough for anyone, don't think I'm likable, but then sometimes I have bouts of confidence where I will think the opposite.

I don't want to feel like this anymore it's driving me crazy. I've thought about turning to alcohol and drugs recently to help get rid of the feeling, I know it's crazy but I've been involved with both at earlier ages, haven't done for years but have been very tempted to recently and I want to get rid of these urges. I'm sorry for ranting

GiftofGab

Plenty of options here:

Join a gym. Set yourself a goal and work hards towards it. It could be to lose fat or gain muscle. This will help you meet people and give you extra confidance.

Join a sports club. Amazing way to meet people. Don't worry about standard - there will be plenty of people starting out for the first time older than you. This will give you a hobbie, constanstly meet people (at least 3 times a week) and they will also invite you out for social drinks after matches, training etc. Try anything, you never know if you'll enjoy it or not till you try it. The best part of sports teams is the social aspect.

Join any club that interests you. Everybody is interested in something you just have to find out what you're interested in. Trial and error could be a possibility here.

The other option is go travelling. Get a job, save some money and travel through Asia, South America, Australia etc. I did it on my own and met tons of people from all over the world. Don't be afraid to go alone (solo travelling is alot better IMO) - pretty much about 80% of the people I've met travelling were solo travellers. It's an amazing adventure and you can learn alot about yourself.

Atomicjuicer

Yep, you've got to join a club or maybe a job that has lots of people your age.

Or try a dating/friends website maybe.

It's not as unusual as you think to be in this position.

kiffer

OP, how are you at small talk?
Chitchat with people while waiting for the bus, that kind of thing?
Do you find it easy to talk to total strangers about if the bus you're waiting for has gone by for example?

Systemic Risk

Hey Op, i would echo the sentiment here. You need to put yourself out there. People arent going to come into your bedroom, drag you out of bed and ask you to do stuff with them. You have to have something that you want to try in a club setting. Sports are great because the fitter you get, the better you feel about yourself and also the more motivated and energetic you feel.

You are 22, you can start almost any hobby/sport snd become really good at it.

LegacyUser

Hi guys OP here, as far as small talk goes, I'd say I'm fairly okay. Strangers intimidate me, I feel like people won't like me or that I just don't "fit". I don't think I'm weird in fact I think I'm a cool guy, ironic as it sounds. I'm not completely socially awkward, I just don't have much experience! Even though I'm told I'm a cool/nice person, and even tho I agree with this, I still feel uncomfortable in social settings and like I'm being judged and like, I just feel out of place. I can't describe. Its like I'm two personalities/attitudes in one person.

I've looked into bettering my eating habits and getting fit as a matter of fact. I'm not happy with my body/appearance at all. I want to change this than rather wait till its too late. Doing it alone can be intimidating and daunting but I'm willing to. As far as sports clubs go, afaik the only ones in my town are GAA clubs, I've never played GAA before and would just be afraid I can't learn now, sometimes feel sports clubs would be too cliquey and reluctant to take new people my age? I don't know I think I've totally got the wrong idea

Thanks for the responses, it's just so hard to take the first step, it's just so much easier to run and hide and escape it, than face it, even though I know I have to face it

LEEGA

Get out into the world move cities, move to england! london .. get some education there. Go to university meet people.

Pretzill

First off you're not unusual - 22 is still young - you don't have to uproot or change the circumstances so apruptly you sound like you have confidence and self esteem you just haven't experienced the situation that introduces you to your type of person yet - think of your interests and join groups u like - are your siblings old enough to hang out with? you won't be lonely for long believe me we have all been there.

Est28

OP,
Look, I know how you feel. I've been there. I moved abroad a few years ago and after the initial excitement of it all, things calmed down and I realised I did nothing but work and sleep and weekends were hell being all alone. I was in a big new city, I should be living the high life but there was NOBODY to do anything with so I sat alone at home feeling sorry for myself.

So here comes the bit that will sound harsh but think of it as tough love. Your situation is nobodies to own or fix but yourself! Nobody will take you by the hand and fix it. Nobody on a message board will give you magical advice to fix it all tomorrow.

But here is what WILL fix it!

You ahve to do things FOR YOURSELF. Make life happen for yourself, don't wait for others!

I took up running. I go for a long wlk or run every day. It doesn't give me tons of friends but the change in my fitness and body alone gives me so much more confidence in myself and that hour or two each evening is MINE. I just go and take care of me and the excercise makes me feel good... so if you don't run or whatever... find something which actually occupties you for an hour or so a day and distracts you and makes you feel good.

Next step... go to things ALONE. Go out for a pint. Go to a concert you want to see. Go to the movies. I don't care what you will say it is NOT weird and nobody will notice. It's YOUR life and not for anyone else to tell you what you can and can't do. DON'T miss out on things you want or should be doing.

Next is the REAL hard part. Join things.... yes I know... lame advice, but it's true. It's what I did. I joined Meetup.com and went to things I wasn't even interested in just to practice social skills and getting to know people and I mde friends.

I joined a local sports team. Now I know that whole group.

I chat to random strangers everywhere.

In work I don't just talk about work, I started lingering for a second and asking people about themselves and got to know them better.

If you come across someone who seems cool or nice, ask for their number and follow up and ask them to grab a pint or do something!

I know it's hard... it SUCKS sometimes... you have to make a big effort and not everyone is always open to new friends but it's almost like dating. It's a numbers game, just put yourself out there. Sometimes you might feel like you failed if someone isn't up for being friends but it should actually be a success that you are TRYING to do this and people will eventually respond when you meet the right people who you have some things in common with.

It's all on you! But the good news is YOU can do something about it.
But you have to become almost immune to other people at the start. Just don't care what others think... go out, talk to them, if they are not nice or not very responsive, that's their problem, you'll find the ones who are. It's really the only way. It won't change tomorrow but if you make a LIFESTYLE change and begin doing this today, then in a few weeks and then a few months you'll notice how far you've come.

Best of luck, if I can offer better or more specific advice just ask. You can do this.

Sarah Jane.

I feel the same way as you. You are not weird!! :-) i'm going back to college in september and am going to join the gym and different clubs and stuff. Chin up Maybe go to your local for a pint and get talking to the locals

ongarboy

I remember going to college in a different city and not knowing a soul and being initially lonely. I wouldn't be an extrovert so found it hard to immerse myself socially but what I noticed was that many of the initial people I became acquainted with (simply just by sharing lectures, tutorials etc), they didn't necessarily become my friends but they broadened my circle and introduced me to other people who unintentionally and organically became really close friends (I'm still friends with many of them 15 years later!).

My point is not to despair if you don't necessarily connect with initial acquaintances who you will have to spend time with (either through work/college or activities) as they may unwittingly provide the outlet for meeting other people who you will connect with.

singsong321

Hey, may I just point out that its perfectly normal what your experiencing. Its a vicious cycle when you experience negative thoughts because you will tend to isolate yourself, avoid social interaction, which in-turn exacerbates your feelings of isolation and leaves you more time to dwell on the feelings (if this makes sense!). A good intial plan would be to talk to someone, such as a parent, sibling (if they are at comphrensive age?), friend, priest or your GP. I know it seems harse to say but mopping about all day will acheive nothing, you have to implement plans for each day, no matter how minute, to fill in the time. Good luck