Friends boyfriend has cheated

confusedfriend

Hi,

Not sure if I'm in the right place here but if you could help it would be really appreciated.

Basically my friends boyfriend has cheated. This all happened two nights ago back at a party. I know it happened as I witnessed it through a window while having a cigarette outside. The girl he cheated with is also a friend of my friend.

My predicament is do I and if so, how do i tell her? An issue like this occurred a few years back involving other girls we are friends with and it didn't end well. Basically the girl that witnessed it on that occasion fell out with both girls. She got caught up in the middle of a whole lot of drama.

My problem is I totally detest this behaviour. Cheating is one thing, continuing on and lying about it is another. This particular couple have been going out for quite some time and are serious. I contemplated messaging her from an unknown number and explaining the situation, I know it sounds cowardly but I'm so stressed at the thought of being caught up in it all but at the same time feel obligated to tell her.

Please if anyone has a similiar experience or has any advice please help.

Thank you

starling

I understand how you feel. I know you don't like to see this guy messing your friend around but if you tell her there is a chance she'll "shoot the messenger" as it were. Only you know how likely that is, based on what you know about her.

Is this a one-off event or an ongoing thing? Or do you think he's cheated with other people too?

confusedfriend

Thanks for the response.

I really don't know, I haven't really been in a situation to make that judgement call. I know if I don't tell her I'll regret it further down the line. But I also know she might shoot the messenger. That's why I suspect an anonoymous message may be the best way to go. Whether she believes a message from an unknown person or not, I'm sure she'll go looking for information. There were a lot of people at the party, I'm sure someone else knows they were in the bedroom together.

Supersiderman

Is the girl he cheated with - your friend to. Was it a kiss or more

confusedfriend

Yes she is a friend too, but not nearly as close. It was more than a kiss I'm afraid.

starling

confusedfriend wrote: »

Thanks for the response.

I really don't know, I haven't really been in a situation to make that judgement call. I know if I don't tell her I'll regret it further down the line. But I also know she might shoot the messenger. That's why I suspect an anonoymous message may be the best way to go. Whether she believes a message from an unknown person or not, I'm sure she'll go looking for information. There were a lot of people at the party, I'm sure someone else knows they were in the bedroom together.

If it was a one-off I'm not sure I'd say anything. But if it's an ongoing thing or he has a habit of it, I'd confront the bf and tell him that if he doesn't confess I would tell her.
This really depends on how you feel about talking to him though. I don't know him, if you think he might get aggro with you then obviously that's not the way to go.
Personally I think that your main focus should be "what will hurt my friend more: her finding out about the cheating from me, or her finding out about the cheating and that I knew about it and didn't say anything?"
If the bf is cheating at a party full of people who know his gf, then she's going to find out sooner or later. He's not even trying to keep it a secret. If I were her, and I knew my friend had kept quiet about the cheating, I'd feel like she had betrayed me.
I think that you should tell her. It'll be a shock, and she might lash out at you just out of shock and embarrassment, but she'll come to her senses after a while and realise that you have her best interests at heart.
If she doesn't, well, she's an idiot and not worth your time.

judgefudge

I'd hate to be in your position. But I think you should tell her. No anonymous messages or anything, just tell her outright. I know she could end up resenting you, or he could twist things and say you're meddling... But at the end of the day you saw what you saw and she needs to know.

I've been cheated on in the past several times by the same guy. And I know there were people who knew it was going on. Luckily I can't say any of them were close friends but It's embarrassing and humiliating to think other people knew and didn't say, probably just pitied me.

Tell the girl. Her need to know is higher than your need to stay out of stress. Sometimes you have to do difficult things for your friends but I hope you don't lose her from this. She'll probably need you.

CaraMay

Yeah you need to tell her. She will need to get herself tested for sti's. If she shoots the messenger then she is an idiot.

Esoteric_

I'd tell her, but I'd be bearing in mind that you COULD lose a friend over this.

I found out that an ex was cheating on me for almost 6 months, and shortly after the break up, I found out that one of my best friends knew he cheated on me but never told me. It hurt more knowing that she knew but never said anything. I'm still friends with her, but I'd much rather she had told me.

Be very careful how you choose your words, if you decide to tell her. I wouldn't confront the boyfriend, because that just gives him time to think up excuses or explanations for his girlfriend, which could discredit you completely.

Irish_Elect_Eng

Coming from a guy.

Tell her. You are her friend, as a good friend you are obligated to protect your good friend's long-term happiness rather than your short term relationship state.

You will be doing both of them a favor in the long run:

• Either getting caught makes the BF cop-on and man-up to be faithful and their relationship continues.
  
  
• Or they break-up and go on to other more faithful/successful relationships.

• Or they have an open relationship, which will make for an interesting conversation with your friends.

confusedfriend

Thank you all for your responses.

Refreshing to know that so many share my opinion and that I should tell her. I'm still very afraid to tell her in person. I know this is gonna cause so much drama and stress, and I know I'm going to be caught up in the middle of all that.

Is the anonymous message a terrible idea?

djimi

Sounds like one of those damned if you do, damned if you dont situations. If you dont tell her and she finds out later that you knew then it will be far worse. Its your call to make really, but I guess the way I see it is that if it was me then Id want to be told, and if this person is a good friend of yours then I dont see why she would doubt what you say. Its not like you are passing on a rumour that you heard; you saw this happen with your own eyes.

If you end up losing her as a friend over this then chances are she doesnt trust you and its probably for the best anyway. I know if any of my close friends came to me to tell me something like this it wouldnt even cross my mind to doubt them and suspect that they are making it up/mistaken.

ElleEm

confusedfriend wrote: »

Is the anonymous message a terrible idea?

I would say yes, it is a terrible idea. It could so easily be discredited as a messer, someone sh!t stirring, etc.

If you go along this route, your friend will also come to you to ask questions anyway, seen as you were at the party. What do you do at this stage? Lie and say you didn't see anything, or tell her that you saw something suspicious yet decided not to tell her? Or tell her you DID see her boyfriend cheat, but didn't tell her? It is just messy, as you will be involved anyway, yet you will have to go along with the notion that "someone" told her he cheated.

djimi wrote: »

I know if any of my close friends came to me to tell me something like this it wouldnt even cross my mind to doubt them and suspect that they are making it up/mistaken.

Exactly. I would also be of the thoughts that a "friend" who knew this sort of info and didn't tell me wasn't a real friend anyway. I certainly wouldn't stay friends with someone who went along with the lie that was my relationship if my boyfriend cheated.

Stench Blossoms

I'd say it to him first. Tell him to tell her or that you will.

judgefudge

I wouldn't go down the route of an anonymous message. It's just too messy, there'll be so many questions and you'll have to lie to her face over and over. Besides which it would probably drive her nuts too, not knowing who knows about it etc.

I also wouldn't personally tell him first. Often a factor in whether a couple stay together after this is whether the cheater felt remorse and owned up. She may think it was eating him up so he admitted, when in reality he just got forced into admitting it. Also, if he's the type to twist everything in order to portray you as 'the meddler' so to speak, it gives him more time to manipulate the situation.

It's really just a case of telling your mate exactly what you saw, being there for her, and hoping it doesn't unjustly backfire onto you. I'd hate to be in your position. Good luck!

starling

judgefudge wrote: »

I also wouldn't personally tell him first. Often a factor in whether a couple stay together after this is whether the cheater felt remorse and owned up. She may think it was eating him up so he admitted, when in reality he just got forced into admitting it. Also, if he's the type to twist everything in order to portray you as 'the meddler' so to speak, it gives him more time to manipulate the situation.

Yeah those are actually really good points...look what happened when Ned Stark tried it

confusedfriend

I've thought long and hard about it and I know I can't tell my friend in person. It will backfire and cause a whole load of drama. My two options are, not tell her, or an anonymous message.

The negatives of an anonymous message are
1) she may not believe it as she's unaware of its source but she may ask some questions, I'll pretend to have seen noting in that case.
2) she may feel very embarrassed as she won't know who knows plus he will be able to deny it as there's no one to back it up

If I say nothing I think I'll forever hate her boyfriend and I'll feel terrible for not saying anything

judgefudge

I'd really recommend not goin down the anonymous message route. It doesn't sound like you're going to take the advice but you are just going to make the situation ten times messier for yourself. Good luck.

Dee01

confusedfriend wrote: »

I've thought long and hard about it and I know I can't tell my friend in person. It will backfire and cause a whole load of drama. My two options are, not tell her, or an anonymous message.

The negatives of an anonymous message are
1) she may not believe it as she's unaware of its source but she may ask some questions, I'll pretend to have seen noting in that case.
2) she may feel very embarrassed as she won't know who knows plus he will be able to deny it as there's no one to back it up

If I say nothing I think I'll forever hate her boyfriend and I'll feel terrible for not saying anything

I agree with the others, I wouldn't do it this way. I was in this situation and told the girl. She shot the messenger and I lost a friend........ For 6months until the **** hit the fan. We are still very close friends. This is about mire then ur friendship. Its her life. You have seen him do this once by pure fluke. What does that tell you. No way this is a one off.

Dave0301

confusedfriend wrote: »

I've thought long and hard about it and I know I can't tell my friend in person. It will backfire and cause a whole load of drama. My two options are, not tell her, or an anonymous message.

The negatives of an anonymous message are
1) she may not believe it as she's unaware of its source but she may ask some questions, I'll pretend to have seen noting in that case.
2) she may feel very embarrassed as she won't know who knows plus he will be able to deny it as there's no one to back it up

If I say nothing I think I'll forever hate her boyfriend and I'll feel terrible for not saying anything

Sending an anonymous message is taking the cowardly route out of this situation. If she comes to talk to you after, you are going to lie to her, and pretend to have seen nothing? Is that what you would want her to do if the situation was reversed?

If you are really her friend, you will do right by her. Just present her with the facts that you witnessed, and try and be there for her, no matter what.

ibarelycare

confusedfriend wrote: »

I've thought long and hard about it and I know I can't tell my friend in person. It will backfire and cause a whole load of drama. My two options are, not tell her, or an anonymous message.

The negatives of an anonymous message are
1) she may not believe it as she's unaware of its source but she may ask some questions, I'll pretend to have seen noting in that case.
2) she may feel very embarrassed as she won't know who knows plus he will be able to deny it as there's no one to back it up

If I say nothing I think I'll forever hate her boyfriend and I'll feel terrible for not saying anything

Of course it's going to cause a lot of drama, that's inevitable. But I don't understand why you can't tell her in person... you're her friend and you should tell her, and be there for her. That's what friends are for. If I knew my friend was hiding something like that from me I'd be heartbroken and furious.

LegacyUser

hi OP, why not just show her your thread here on boards? that way she can know that you are sincere...

PlainP

I was in this situation before. My boyfriend had cheated on me and my friend was witness to it. She gave him an ultimatum either he tells me or she would. I was working weekends at the time and on Monday morning I received a text from her explaining what had happened.
I was heartbroken at the time but I never blamed her. I broke up with him straight away. He even tried to deny it a cowardly way to go.
I would give him an ultimatum and if he doesn't fess up tell her.
She is your friend and if she found out you knew what was going on I'd say it would hurt her more than the cheating boyfriend.

DonQuigleone

Just tell her, it's awkward, but in the long run you'll regret not being straightforward. You're both adults, and (hopefully) mature.

You're absolutely right to want to stay out of the drama though. Just make it clear to her that you told her because you care about her as a friend, but that otherwise, you don't want to have anything to do with the whole situation. She should respect you and not involve you further.

December2012

I think tell her what you saw, no more.

In reality, nobody can blame you, can they?

I know the tendency is shoot the messenger, but in reality that's not worth keeping quiet is it? It was a party, she was a friend too - it will come out.

Don't do it anonymously.

Da Shins Kelly

Tell her up front what you saw. If she gets angry or doesn't believe you, then at least you'll know you did the right thing by your own conscience, and once things have blown over and she gets a bit of perspective, she might come around and realize that you were only looking out for her. I think it's important to be supportive and honest here, and anonymous messages are definitely not the way to do that. I wouldn't tell the boyfriend first either. It just gives him a chance to think of ways to manipulate the situation (if he's that kind of person).

If it was me, I would want to know and I would feel pretty betrayed if a friend knew something and didn't tell me outright.

Stavro Mueller

Yeah, I'd tell her too. Say that you hate to have to tell her this but you feel that you'd not be a good friend to her if you didn't....

Aurellia

confusedfriend wrote: »

Hi,

Not sure if I'm in the right place here but if you could help it would be really appreciated.

Basically my friends boyfriend has cheated. This all happened two nights ago back at a party. I know it happened as I witnessed it through a window while having a cigarette outside. The girl he cheated with is also a friend of my friend.

My predicament is do I and if so, how do i tell her? An issue like this occurred a few years back involving other girls we are friends with and it didn't end well. Basically the girl that witnessed it on that occasion fell out with both girls. She got caught up in the middle of a whole lot of drama.

My problem is I totally detest this behaviour. Cheating is one thing, continuing on and lying about it is another. This particular couple have been going out for quite some time and are serious. I contemplated messaging her from an unknown number and explaining the situation, I know it sounds cowardly but I'm so stressed at the thought of being caught up in it all but at the same time feel obligated to tell her.

Please if anyone has a similiar experience or has any advice please help.

Thank you

TELL HER!!

My friend did , well she text him the ultimatum . I was beside him , he showed me the message & fessed up - but it was a few weeks after the incident . I was a bit pissed @ her for knowing & not telling me straight away but kicked him out as I'd asked him at the time did something happen with this girl & he said no.

I was grateful to her , having quizzed her for all d details & said if anything like that ever happens again , as friends u tell the other person. Hes already done a dispicable act, Ur wronging her by not saying anything.,

Just tell her & she takes it from there weather she dumps or forgives is her choice then.

gagiteebo

I think you should tell her no doubt about it. I know it's your decision but I feel very angry about the way you're choosing to do it with this anonymous text. Something similar happened to me years ago. My boyfriend at the time was cheating on me. One evening I got this text telling me so, in fact I got a few . I confronted him and he talked his way out of it telling me someone had it in for him, it wasn't true etc etc. I believed him and wasted another few years with him.
It wasn't a friend that text because they didn't know, it was actually just an acquaintance who felt they didn't know me well enough to say to my face which I totally understand.
Anyway my point is if you go this cowardly route you run the risk of him talking his way out of it. Cheaters are great at that. You're her good friend, that's what friends are for. Stop thinking about yourself and think of your friend. I'll bet she would tell you. If you know he has cheated you can bet others do too. Do you know there is nothing more humiliating than you walking around all happy with your partner while others pity you as they know he's cheating.
Put yourself in her shoes. Would you rather be told by a good friend or an anonymous text.

Savvy girl

CaraMay wrote: »

Yeah you need to tell her. She will need to get herself tested for sti's. If she shoots the messenger then she is an idiot.

Tell her sooner the better.