Uninvited guest problem - Mental health issues

happythirties

Hi all, here's the problem. My wedding is coming up soon and we have not invited my sister to it for the following reasons:

1. She's an alcoholic. But even sober she causes a lot of trouble.
2. She's caused a lot of serious trouble for the family in the past for which she has never apologised.
3. She gets a kick out of trying to wind people up and get a reaction out of them.
4. She manipulates my alzeimhers suffering mother into thinking that the world is against her, and that we should all be treating her better.
5. She does what she wants, when she wants.
6. When tackled about unacceptable behaviour she becomes aggressive and abusive, and will cause a scene.
7. She needs to be the centre of attention.
8. She's got some mental health issues, and seeing other people doing well (like her sibling getting married for instance) does not go down very well with her. Chip on both shoulders, as it were.

Get the picture? Thing is, I have been told by a few people that she's been telling them that she's going to be there for the ceremony and wedding, even though she hasn't been invited. She could be just attempting to wind me up, but she's capable of turning up uninvited and making things difficult for us. Anyone have any thoughts or ideas about this? We're having the ceremony and wedding in the same venue, which has been booked out completely by us. Can the venue get her to leave if she turns up uninvited? Obviously I'm trying to avoid a scene on that day of all days... Thanks for any thoughts in advance.

Senna

I assume approaching here beforehand isn't an option?

I wouldn't leave it up to the venue, they can only do so much and would probably end in a whole seen (Guards being called etc), A ceremony is a public event and members of the public are aloud to "bear witness". Do you have a person attending the wedding that could stand watch for her, maybe someone like an Uncle, someone she knows but had enough "standing" that they could deal with her if she arrives.

Chattastrophe!

Even if you don't get on well with her, I don't think it's unreasonable that she'd assume she's attending your wedding, even if she hasn't yet received an official invitation. I think the onus is on you here to sit her down and explain that you're not inviting her and why. Save her further embarrassment of talking to people about the wedding, when it seems everyone except her knows she's not invited!

clint_silver

1. Tell her the venue is somewhere else.

2. Get 2 actors to pretend to be out of a movie and if she kicks off the actors do outlandish things with her as part of the drama and they all take a bow at the end.

3. Hire bouncers. Big ones.

4. Get the videographer to concentrate on her as soon as she gets there. And let it be known he's concentrating on her for a TV documentary of mad people at weddings.

5. If she makes the church, Hire cars to take all the guests to the venue very far away. Except there's only 1 car. For her.

6. Dont worry about it. Everyones got someone mad in their family. Overwhelm her with happiness and love. thats what Id do.

Mr.Fred

Leave the venue deal with it and have someone from your family liaise with them should she turn up uninvited. Explain to them that you don't want to see or here anything about it.

Out of sight is truly out of mind in this situation. It might be an idea that if you don't intend telling her she's not invited you say it to someone so that'll get back to here in passing.

lazygal

First, if its a legal ceremony any member of the public is entitled to attend. Friends of mine had a stranger who decided to sit down at their civil ceremony and wouldn't leave, and the celebrant said there's nothing he could do, same with a church wedding, as its a public event.

Now, we had difficult relatives on both sides we didn't invite and were worred about crashing the day, but we decided to go ahead with the day, no fuss about different times/venues being lied about or anything like that. The people concerned didn't come. If they do turn up, chances are family will act and you won't even notice. A very drunk relative on each side were swiftly removed from the meal and we only found out weeks later what had happened, and none of our friends made any comment about it.

tatli_lokma

If she is as vindictive and determined to upset you as you say she is, do you not think that pointedly excluding her is only giving her more reason to spite you? By not inviting her you are possibly encouraging her all the more to make a scene.

Is there no family member who could take her in hand if she gets out of line?

Borderfox

I was at a wedding and one of the guests sounded quite similar, didnt do much for most of the day but when the speeches were being made they kicked off big style. Luckily the Brides brothers were on watch and they carried her out of the function room till the speeches were over. Might be good to have some of the family on standby in case

happythirties

Yeah Borderfox, you've hit the nail on the head, it's the time around the speeches I'd be particularly worried about if she was there. Thanks to all off ye for ye're thoughts and opinions, even Clint with his "alternative" approach :-) Much appreciated... Here goes nothing...!

happythirties

clint_silver wrote: »

1. Tell her the venue is somewhere else.

2. Get 2 actors to pretend to be out of a movie and if she kicks off the actors do outlandish things with her as part of the drama and they all take a bow at the end.

3. Hire bouncers. Big ones.

4. Get the videographer to concentrate on her as soon as she gets there. And let it be known he's concentrating on her for a TV documentary of mad people at weddings.

5. If she makes the church, Hire cars to take all the guests to the venue very far away. Except there's only 1 car. For her.

6. Dont worry about it. Everyones got someone mad in their family. Overwhelm her with happiness and love. thats what Id do.

1. Already done that...!

2. Or maybe even hire Jedward for these roles? Perfect!

3. Ex-rugby types with links to the Lithuanian mafia.

4. Haha... Funnily enough, I have had to record conversations with her in the past in order to get her to behave properly. I would tell her that if she wants to talk to me about anything family or money related then I will be recording the conversation. Seems to work, because where as before she would be abusive, try mind games, and basically go back on her word after the event, we now find that when recording she is more mannerly, behaves properly and is more likely to keep any promises she makes. It's terrible that it takes having to doo something like that, but there you go, it works.

5. With the bouncers sitting inside the car?

6. True, there's always one.

If I don't try to lighten the situation with some humour then it would probably wreck my head...

Honey-ec

Have you actually told her she's not invited yet? If not, I wouldn't be assuming that the lack of physical invitation is going to send the message to her.

lazygal

Honey-ec wrote: »

Have you actually told her she's not invited yet? If not, I wouldn't be assuming that the lack of physical invitation is going to send the message to her.

I agree-we had family who booked accomodation/told us they couldn't wait for the big day before an invitation was even written. We also had people assume they'd been invited (family we'd not be close to and never planned on asking). I know some people think they are on the 'ah sure you know we're coming' list and don't see a lack of an invite as them not being invited.