I think I made a mistake tonight?

sternfan

Ok, as the title says, I think so, but I'm not sure.

It was my friends' birthday tonight, small gathering at the house with some of her close friends and family. Bit of background: I am good friends with this girl, but I don't know her very very well. I wouldn't be able to read her super well.

Anyway, she has a new-ish boyfriend. I can tell he is an angry, controlling guy. Someone did something at the house that rubbed him the wrong way, and next thing they start arguing. Not screaming, but an arguement that wasn't resolved.

So, a bit of time passes, people leave and it ends up being just the three of us.

She really wants me to go into town with them because it's her birthday.
My possible mistake? I was honest and I said their fighting made me uncomfortable, and I felt there was a weird vibe, not the makings of a good night in my book anyway.

Well she goes on to say that this is normal in their relationship, they're not fighting, all "ah look we're grand *kissy kissy*

I said, I'm not going to judge your situation or say I understand your relationship, and I don't mean offence by this but I'm just not comfortable. Those were my words.

Should I have been so honest? Should I have just said I didn't want to be the third wheel? (which also factored into it)

I'm afraid that now it will come out that, or has come out, that his anger makes me uncomfortable. I don't want to be in bad standing with them, I'd like to go out with them another time when maybe it's easier to ignore their arguing.

Maybe I should have been more tactful.

mygoat

Many years ago I was told by a friend of mine that she'd rather not spend time with me and my then-boyfriend, because the way we spoke to each other made her feel uncomfortable. That information was a huge eye opener for me. Months later, after I broke up with the man, I kept remembering what she said. I looked inside and tried to understand why I'd wanted a relationship that looked and felt so ugly to other people. I'm glad she'd told me.

It takes a special quality in a human being for them to open up and say their truth. In my view, it wasn't a mistake. It could have been a mistake if you volunteered this information as a criticism, without being asked. In this situation you gave an honest explanation for refusing your friend's invitation, and you have a good reason to respect yourself for it.

Of course you may suffer consequences of your honesty; they may choose not to invite you along the next time. Is it a worthy price to pay for being honest? It is for me.

judgefudge

I don't think you've done anything wrong, per se. I mean it's not as though you slagged them off...

At the same time I can see how it may backfire on you and she could take it completely the wrong way. Sometimes it's easier to just tell a white lie (eg. Too tired to go out). I hope it doesn't backfire though

ABajaninCork

You sound like my kinda of gal! I hate it when people try to BS you. And FWIW I think you were right to tell her you were uncomfortable with the dynamics of the evening. You should not feel unhappy at a nice occasion. If they want to row and have an awful time - fine. It shouldn't be inflicted on you.

And if what you said does have a comeback? Shrug your shoulders and move on. Be thankful you aren't involved in their sh1t any more...

Big Bag of Chips

Look, everyone else left because of the row. In the end so did you.

How did she react when you said it? Apart from "we're grand, look". How did the evening end?

I think you were right to say it. But you have no control over how she reacts to it. It might make her realise that listening to them arguing all the time is no fun for everyone else who goes out to enjoy themselves, even if it's 'normal' for them. Or she may take great offense and avoid you... But from what you say, there won't be too many others sticking around to listen to them arguing, either.

sternfan

Big Bag of Chips wrote: »

How did she react when you said it? Apart from "we're grand, look". How did the evening end?

Well, when I said: I'm not going to judge your situation or say I understand your relationship, and I don't mean offence by this but I'm just not comfortable, she started to try and explain the argument, or her side of it, or whatever. I'm not trying to hear that . I'm not sure if was she trying to get my 2 cents or what, I think she might have been, and no way am I interested in that! So that also made me uncomfortable. It wasn't what I was trying to get at. But she didn't seem to be receptive to what I was saying, and just kept explaining the argument. Until he interrupted us by saying "the rest of them are leaving in five minutes :mad: :mad: (I had asked to speak to her alone)

Funnily enough I also told him to his face, he asked what was going on and I said "The truth? Ye're arguing is making me uncomfortable and I don't want to go into town just the three of us," and then they stuck to the "we're not arguing, this is normal for us" story.

I don't know did she/they even realise it was a lovely evening up until that and there was absolutely no need for it. Her boyfriend says your man's behaviour who did such and such at the party ruined the night, to which I said, he only ruins it if you let him, but it was no use.

If they didn't hear what I was saying after that I'm not sure what more could I have said or done. The argument wasn't resolved so why would I want to go into town with they still having it on their minds.


Thanks very much everyone for all your replies.

charlietheminxx

OP I have to say, fair play to you for your honesty.

I had a similar experience myself a couple of years ago, and while unfortunately it didn't work out too well for me in terms of keeping my friend, I still wouldn't have done it any differently.

It takes real guts to explain how you feel to someone directly in a mature capacity and it's never a mistake to speak up when you're uncomfortable.

I hope your friend is as mature and able to see your viewpoint without taking offence. Best of luck.

meeeeh

I don't know. There was no need for you to go with them into the town if it makes you uncomfortable and I think you were right to say no. But I also think you did a huge drama out of not much and to me it comes across as an old biddy meddling in other peoples business. Your friend might react differently, I just think white lie is much better option next time.

Btw I knew a couple who would argue at every party when drunk. We started to joke it's not a proper party yet because nobody is crying and just ignored them. This was going on for about 5 years and I don't think their splitting up had much to do with those arguments.

sternfan

meeeeh wrote: »

I don't know. There was no need for you to go with them into the town if it makes you uncomfortable and I think you were right to say no. But I also think you did a huge drama out of not much and to me it comes across as an old biddy meddling in other peoples business. Your friend might react differently, I just think white lie is much better option next time.

Btw I knew a couple who would argue at every party when drunk. We started to joke it's not a proper party yet because nobody is crying and just ignored them. This was going on for about 5 years and I don't think their splitting up had much to do with those arguments.

That was your experience and this was mine. Similar, but not the same. I am entitled to my feelings.

It may seem like I made a huge drama, but really it just comes across that way because of the long post. Funnily enough I was trying to not meddle as I didn't want to hear the details of why they were fighting because, yes, it is none of my business.

That being said, I asked for opinions, so thank you for your point of view.

porsche boy

In a situation years back, I heard of my best friends girlfriend had been with someone else, not the first time I'd heard rumors but this time I heard it from two different sources. Anyway I decided to talk to him and tell him as I didn't want him being made a fool of, so sat him down told him everything.

Long story short, he sided with her, I lost a brilliant friend and even after things came to light that she was a lying and manipulative person my friend and I were never the same again. We still talk, occasionally, but in hindsight I irreparably damaged a friendship that meant loads to me anyway. The trust was gone on both sides and I want really sure who he was anymore.

Lesson learned is to live and control my life and leave others to do the same.

December2012

I think you did the right thing. Why should you be polite when they were bring so rude?

Est28

sternfan wrote: »

Ok, as the title says, I think so, but I'm not sure.

It was my friends' birthday tonight, small gathering at the house with some of her close friends and family. Bit of background: I am good friends with this girl, but I don't know her very very well. I wouldn't be able to read her super well.

Anyway, she has a new-ish boyfriend. I can tell he is an angry, controlling guy. Someone did something at the house that rubbed him the wrong way, and next thing they start arguing. Not screaming, but an arguement that wasn't resolved.

So, a bit of time passes, people leave and it ends up being just the three of us.

She really wants me to go into town with them because it's her birthday.
My possible mistake? I was honest and I said their fighting made me uncomfortable, and I felt there was a weird vibe, not the makings of a good night in my book anyway.

Well she goes on to say that this is normal in their relationship, they're not fighting, all "ah look we're grand *kissy kissy*

I said, I'm not going to judge your situation or say I understand your relationship, and I don't mean offence by this but I'm just not comfortable. Those were my words.

Should I have been so honest? Should I have just said I didn't want to be the third wheel? (which also factored into it)

I'm afraid that now it will come out that, or has come out, that his anger makes me uncomfortable. I don't want to be in bad standing with them, I'd like to go out with them another time when maybe it's easier to ignore their arguing.

Maybe I should have been more tactful.

Sorry to be harsh but I don't think you know this girl well.
It's not your place. It sounds like you are trying to be the "nice guy", knight in shining armour to her. Why would you even be concerned if you didn't have your own agenda with her?

She's a big girl I'm sure and is in a relationship, not your place so I'd just stay out of the whole thing.

MadMardegan

Honestly OP (and everyone else) I don't see why this is an issue?
The couple were arguining, that's definitely not a position you want to be in.
You told them, plain and simple, that you weren't comfortable being around the two of them while they were arguining... How can that be construed as a bad thing? It's not like you told them you were uncomfortable with them in general.
I would've said the exact same thing, though I probably would have made it a little more light hearted i.e "ask me arse, I'm not going out to listen to the two of ye having a go at each other all night!" Or something along those lines!

Bottom line, you did the right thing. Don't feel bad

Tigger99

I think you absolutely did the right thing, and I'm not the only one considering how many people thanked mygoat's post.

I also think it took courage to say that to your friend.