Its been goin on so long I don't know what's right or what's wrong!

LegacyUser

Hi guys I will try not to get into all the issues but I d just appreciate some advice on a big issue in my relationship.we ve been together over five years and we have two children,we are both in mid twenties.i m in my last year of my degree and I took the decision to defer my final semester of my graduate year this was for a lot of reasons ,but at the end of the day it mainly boils Down to one thing...the lack of support and emotional support from my partner.

I perhaps took for granted how much time I was given to concentrate on my college work for the first 3-4 years of my college ,as he stayed at home to mind the kids.but in my last year he got a job,nothing hardcore but it's a full time job with relatively little stress.since he's been working I couldn't manage everything,with kids,nurseries,and the emotional side of our relationship,so I had to defer.

He comes home from work and on most days just goes straight up to bed,not to sleep but just to 'relax' ,looking at his phone,videos etc.the kids get a bare hello.if they re lucky,I'm expected to have all cleaning done dinner cooked and also continue to mind the kids from when he's home,as well as anything else that needs doing. On an odd occasion he might feed the kids supper or put them to bed.but there is this general attitude that this is expected because he's working and I'm at home.he is also constantly putting me down that I've nothing to show on life,no degree to job etc
It's left me v lonely isolated and depressed,I don't know what's right and what's wrong anymore.
Also he says this is expected because he's the breadwinner but in fact the only thing he does is pay rent and nothing else,I'm often left picking penny's off the floor or rooting through clothes to try get some money.
I've paid all child care through the last year of college,not him.now that my college grant is gone I've got no money and he doesn't give anything.even though he's got iPad,iPhone etc

I just don't know if all this is normal or not?any opinions?

Thanks for reading

JustAThought

Sorry : am I right in understanding that he took the stay-at-home role for 3 years & minded the 2 kids for that time while you went to college??

If so Id say fair dues to him -that must have been extremely difficult .3 years is a long time for a guy to support his girlfriend & her college needs while staying at home minding kids.

It's good that he/you now has an income for the family & a way to support you all. " only " rent is a big ask - from a monthly salary of two or three thousand euro half or a third gone on rent is a lot . You eat, the children eat, the lights, gas and phone bills are paid? Petrol in the car? Clothes to wear? I'm not surprised money is tight -it must be difficult. But he is doing his bit.

Have you tried looking for FIS from the social welfare if money is that tight? Four people on one small salary is a big ask . Look it up here on boards or go to the SW office or citizens advice & ask them.

You mentioned that you gave up on your final year -all your hard work and sacrifices shouldn't go in vain. No doubt the past years have been tough on you all. See if you can try & get back on track to complete & graduate . In this climate there are more & more competition for jobs & for many companies they have graduate programmes for people who have completed their degrees . Try & finish & you will not be excluded permanently from applying for all these jobs in the future. You may be eligable for a welfare grant or be able to negotiate a small credit union loan with your partners salary to bridge the gap. Regardless, Once you qualify from college you will have much more options open to you & it will become easier . Either way it's important for yiu personslly and for yiur families future that you finish it.

I've no doubt that your partner wants to relax & unwind after a long days working - that's how I do it - social media, looking at relaxing things that I enjoy after having out up with idiots & bulls*** all day & had a three hour commute out of it too.it's hard -working -in a job that's not particularly we paid when all you have us bills and a tough existence to make ends meet. He is doing his best.& after a days work I'm not surprised he's tired & wants done time to himself to unwind & relax. He sounds like a good man who is doing his best by you and his family & his responsibilities.

No doubt it's difficult for you too but your focus should now become what you can achieve to add to the families future & sustainability to create the home and resources you both deserve .After all your challenges at the start of your life when it should be easy I hope that you can work through this final tough part so that you can both enjoy your family and start to have a less financially challenging, fun filled life together that is not denominated by money worries and stress.

You're nearly there. Its been a hard road. Its just a short while longer -he lives yiu and has stuck by his damily & is doing his beat. You're nearly there. Keep it up.

ck83

Some of what the last poster said makes perfect sense, but, OP, if my partner was walking past his kids in the evening instead of actually wanting to spend a bit of time with them before they went to bed, I'd be worried. I work full time, with a long commute, and in the evenings, even though its hard work, I want to play with my son, bring him out for a walk etc. his dad works ridiculously long hours too, and he breaks his neck to get in an hour before bed time so he can see him, and put him to bed. Because he wants to. You can't choose between work and parenting. You can choose to work and parent, to give up work and parent full time, but you don't get a job and then give up being a dad. Your oh sounds a little bit precious to me. If he wants to unwind, he should do it at 9pm, after he puts the kids to bed.

LegacyUser

Thanks for your replies.i do appreciate him working don't get me wrong.but I feel as though whats not acceptable is that just because he s working it means that me and all the work I do (at home) and with the children is completely overlooked, if the house is a bit untidy in a particular room he d swear at me 'what the f**k have u been doing all day the house us a f***** tip'.even though as most mothers would know u could have the house spotless but with two boisterous toddlers it could be messed again just as quick.i think I work really hard minding the kids and making sure everything is in order.but he does come home and spends little or no time with the kids.even if I ask him to help out ,it's such an effort for him to have to ,because of this attitude 'I'm working your not'.
As for the money sides of things I pretty much pay for everything with the remainder of my college grant for food for kids,electric gas etc.he does get fis but I don't see a penny of that either.

When he has his two days off he wants to go off and do his own thing ,without the kids as well.even though I still have some college work left to complete and the only time I can do this is on his days off.but he don't care about that either.he says he should be able to do what he wants on his days off

CaraMay

So why are you with this abusive Neanderthal?

mylittlepony

As for the money sides of things I pretty much pay for everything with the remainder of my college grant for food for kids,electric gas etc.he does get fis but I don't see a penny of that either.

:eek:
Wow what a tightfist :mad:
If ye split he would be paying maintenance for your kids and you and the kids would be much better off.
He should be grateful to have you and his kids. Also that fact that ye are not married he should be afraid. but from reading your post he just doesnt seem to care about you and your kids. You seem to be a passive person, have you discuss your concerns with him?

He is working full time, why he getting the FIS??
You are a student with no income so why not you getting the FIS.
If ye were married he would have be supporting you and the kids,no matter what.
This patnership and kids without marriage make it too easy for him to have his cake and get his own way lika bully gosh giving out about a messy room when he living in a family room not a bachelor pad.
And both of ye are long term partners if both work it should be 50/50 with all bills.
If one work full time and other not, he should be helping you with the bills.
Eventually you will be working too and it will be equal patners all the way.

Ye need to talk and discuss him helping you with the bills that the major blip here.

Good luck with your degree. All the best.

movingsucks

JustAThought wrote:

I've no doubt that your partner wants to relax & unwind after a long days working - that's how I do it - social media, looking at relaxing things that I enjoy after having out up with idiots & bulls*** all day & had a three hour commute out of it too.it's hard -working -in a job that's not particularly we paid when all you have us bills and a tough existence to make ends meet. He is doing his best.& after a days work I'm not surprised he's tired & wants done time to himself to unwind & relax. He sounds like a good man who is doing his best by you and his family & his responsibilities

So in other words taking care of the kids and home is only "work" when the guy has to do it?
When does the OP get to go off and twiddle around on an iPad for a few hours?
Where's her time to "unwind and relax"?
If what she does is so simple then why is it such a chore for him to do it?
Taking care of kids is 24/7.
Do you really think a "good man" "doing his best" just decides he can do whatever he feels like on his "days off"?

I wonder what it was like when he was at home, how he would have felt if she came home swearing at him if a room was out of place?
OP, I don't know what advice I have for you but you need to find a lifeline outside the home

LegacyUser

ok so he does pay the rent. but is it ok for him to have fancy phones and ipads when you're scraping money together for the bills? not in my world. sounds like he's decided his money is his and what - your money is for the household bills and the kids expenses?

is it ok for him to not put any effort into interacting with his kids every day? is he for real? how so very very sad for them :-( and as for swearing at you about the housework - do the kids see that? i know they're only little, but believe me, that's already having an effect on them if they're seeing daddy shout at mammy.

i feel so sorry for you op, the relationship sounds unbalanced and emotionally abusive. to me anyway, using the fact that he's got a job and earning money as some sort of emotional weapon against you, AND his disregard for his kids, is toxic. you two need to have some serious conversations.

thefeatheredcat

OP was his "staying at home to mind the kids" a conscious choice he made to enable you to study full time, in support of you, or was he unemployed?

How was his attitude to you before he got a job?

If the attitude is a recent change in his behaviour or manner towards you, what is the real issue? Were there any issues from your side similar to what you described re your partner in having more "me" time or not spending time with the children while you were focused on college?

From experience when people try to belittle you / knock your confidence / crush your self esteem on achievements or progression towards a goal, the issue has nothing to do with you, but it is a sign that they have an issue with themselves in some way, perhaps feeling inadequate, insecure about themselves in comparison to your current situation and future prospects (such as perhaps maybe you'll gain job security / earn more than him / get more respect / be a more valued worker in comparison to him). Someone who loves and cares about you should not be looking to put you down and belittle you at any opportunity; I could understand that with housework and the house that could be a frustration, but what is his solution other than criticise you? Do he help clean up, do you clean together, have ye a rota, is whoever that is at home with the children always been expected to clean the house and the other half contributes nothing to maintaining the home? Or does he just complain about it without doing anything himself?

As for the money :eek: The children are a joint responsibility, both of you are responsible for providing for them, not just one or other feeding and clothing them, same as with bills and other responsible stuff, that really should be paid out of a joint account. You say the college grant is now gone, you said he only pays the rent and that's it, so who spends the money to feed the children? AS far as I can recall about FIS that is based on the entire situation, it's called Family Income Supplement for a reason. From what you posted you no longer have an income, the grant is gone, surely you are entitled to some state support? What about children's allowance? Maybe I'm mis understanding your financial situation, but have you spoken to someone in your local SW office and found out what - if anything - you are entitled to given that your circumstances - both yours and your partner's - have changed?

OP if all what you've posted has been a considerable change within the last year, you should have alarm bells ringing. Have you talked about this?

Have you considered couples counselling if there's a communication problem? Does he know how you feel about all this?

Rosy Posy

I was previously in a controlling relationship and I'm seeing a lot of similarities with what you've described, op. Putting you down, swearing at you, restricting money.

I'm a SAHM and my husband and I have a joint account to which we have equal access. Just because he is physically earning the money doesn't mean you're a freeloader or an unpaid serf. We also share childcare equally when he's not at work. I think in a division of labour situation in order for it to work you need to be really explicit about your expectations and about who is responsible for what. It's also really important to actively schedule 'me' time for each of you that the other person respects and facilitates.

It might seem slightly off topic but this book helped me a lot in renegotiating my position my relationship after kids as a SAHM.
http://www.babyproofingyourmarriage.com/

Gooner111

'I perhaps took for granted how much time I was given to concentrate on my college work for the first 3-4 years of my college ,as he stayed at home to mind the kids'

During this time prehaps he felt how you do now. It appears that he changed from supporting you by looking after the family while you studied to being a mean selfish self centred man. My guess is that during that period he build up some resentment towards you and is now lashing out. Maybe he felt that he was left to do all the work while you concentrated on yourself therefore is doing the same himself now.

You haven't put much in about his past self. While his current behaviour is mean and selfish and inexcusable it doesn't appear to have been his core base. If he was that selfish to start with surely he would never had agreed to stay home and mind the kids while you went to college.

At the moment it doesn't look like he wants to be part of the family. Leaving you and the kids to fend for themselves while he does his own thing - actually I think that leaving you to mind the kids is more a shot at you than having something against them. By doing this he knows you cannot work on your course and thus hurts you. I doubt you can take much more of it either.

Have you tried talking to him about it all???? You's are obviously together a long time so worth fighting for - only you's can decide really. The two of you need to clear the air and start again as this can only end badly in its current situation.

Prehaps ask him to counselling.