Asked on date; now he doesn't seem interested?

blairbear

I know a man through work for the last year. He first asked me out very soon after we met and made it clear he was very attracted to me. I was going out with my now ex-boyfriend at the time however, who I was mad about.
A few months later, I had a pretty horrendous break up. This man contacted me on Facebook around this time and we chatted a lot. We were actually both out of the country for a number of months at this point, but he told me that when we were back, he'd love to take me out. I was all up for this and something I kept at the back of my mind, but not invested in it.

Fast forward to the last week. He's back in Ireland. We ran into each other and that evening (last weekend), he messaged me and asked could he still take me out for dinner. I said yes, of course, as I do like him quite a bit at this stage. I had such a nasty break up with my ex and this man seems so genuine and straightforward. He asked when I was free, and we agreed on sometime this weekend.

He's texted a few times in the interim. I asked last night what night was he thinking for dinner. (I need an idea of a schedule; I have other things I need to plan for too!) He replied "we'll see. I have to see if I'm free. I'll let you know if I can do it". Nothing apologetic or flowery. Nothing else in the body of the text. I'd sent a jokey text first and this reply seemed pretty curt/dismissive.

Now, I know this may not seem like much of a big deal, but this is a man who's asked me out repeatedly over the course of a year, sent messages saying how gorgeous he thinks I am, how he'd love a chance to date me..now he just doesn't appear too ar*ed about the whole thing and I've been left feeling a bit needy, like he was doing me a favour!

Is this just a guy thing where he's disorganised? It's Friday morning now and we've no plans in place. I assumed we'd be going out tomorrow. Isn't it a bit late to be organising this? Am I being paranoid?!!

jdsk2006

Well his last text really doesnt make sense at all going by what you have told us. This is one of those times your going to have to sit tight and wait for him to contact you....horrible I know.
I wouldnt cut him short just yet tho if he does contact you, just maybe make your self unavailable til next weekend! Make him see your not going to design your plans around him

desbrook

Text was never meant for the masses . The phone companies thought initially it would be a useful add-on for the business community to organise appointments/meetings and no more . Reading your post (and often in my own life) I think they were right !!

"Reading between the lines" is fine with four page letters but bloody difficult and hopelessy inaccurate when it comes to text . He may be playing it cool, he may not it's impossible to tell bar asking him directly and that isn't really an option is it ?

Leaving text aside you aren't really being realistic about the overall situation . This guy has repeatedly made an effort with you and put himself out on a limb to a large extent . His reward is not understanding from you or any kind of leeway . Quite the opposite . You've got used to him chasing you and you don't want it to stop . Heaven forbid you might look interested . He told you he can't commit to a specific date this weekend, last night - a thursday . Therefore you can make any plans you like and if therse's a clash it's his fault and he'll know it . How hard is that ??

Lovetochill

Op,

Real men make plans. He sounds like a flaky dude.

if I was you, I'd make other plans for myself. Don't put your life on hold for him. Don't accept last min date. If you have no plans, it’s much better to turn him down then accept a last minute date.He better get himself organised if he wants to ask you out again.

wallycharlo

blairbear wrote: »

I know a man through work for the last year. He first asked me out very soon after we met and made it clear he was very attracted to me. I was going out with my now ex-boyfriend at the time however, who I was mad about.
A few months later, I had a pretty horrendous break up. This man contacted me on Facebook around this time and we chatted a lot. We were actually both out of the country for a number of months at this point, but he told me that when we were back, he'd love to take me out. I was all up for this and something I kept at the back of my mind, but not invested in it.

Fast forward to the last week. He's back in Ireland. We ran into each other and that evening (last weekend), he messaged me and asked could he still take me out for dinner. I said yes, of course, as I do like him quite a bit at this stage. I had such a nasty break up with my ex and this man seems so genuine and straightforward. He asked when I was free, and we agreed on sometime this weekend.

He's texted a few times in the interim....

Considering that he has made all the running here, perhaps you should think about cutting him some slack? He's clearly interested. His text message may not have been
flowery enough for your liking, but at least he did come back to you promptly and let you know that he could not currently commit. Something may genuinely have come up which he needs to deal with, etc.

Stavro Mueller

His text could be interpreted as being jokey too. Sometimes humour doesn't translate well into texts. Why not try picking up the phone to him and having an actual conversation?

squonk

cymbaline wrote: »

His text could be interpreted as being jokey too. Sometimes humour doesn't translate well into texts. Why not try picking up the phone to him and having an actual conversation?

This!! It's date time now, not getting to know you time. It's also time to pick up the phone.

blairbear

Thanks for the feedback guys.

I have messaged him first on occasion and texted him first, plenty of times.

I really don't see how his text could be interpreted as jokey at all. If it is, we clearly don't have the same sense of humour. I don't know how I can show him I'm any more interested; the only time I've turned his offer of a date down is when I was in a serious relationship.

I think he's being flakey. There's no way I'd ring him now after already being put on the long finger about the date. I really haven't been sitting pretty letting him chase me for months. From my experience, if a guy likes you, he makes definite plans without room for misinterpretation. It's Friday afternoon now and I'm none the wiser. I think being unavailable this weekend is a good plan unless I hear from him really soon.

Meauldsegosha

blairbear wrote: »

He's texted a few times in the interim. I asked last night what night was he thinking for dinner. (I need an idea of a schedule; I have other things I need to plan for too!) He replied "we'll see. I have to see if I'm free. I'll let you know if I can do it". Nothing apologetic or flowery. Nothing else in the body of the text. I'd sent a jokey text first and this reply seemed pretty curt/dismissive.

Now, I know this may not seem like much of a big deal, but this is a man who's asked me out repeatedly over the course of a year, sent messages saying how gorgeous he thinks I am, how he'd love a chance to date me..now he just doesn't appear too ar*ed about the whole thing and I've been left feeling a bit needy, like he was doing me a favour!

Is this just a guy thing where he's disorganised? It's Friday morning now and we've no plans in place. I assumed we'd be going out tomorrow. Isn't it a bit late to be organising this? Am I being paranoid?!!

Maybe he had other plans made and is trying to get out of them so he can meet you. I don't think his text is curt or dismissive. I also don't she the problem with ringing at this stage and asking what the story is with dinner. If you like him and want to meet him then ring him and find out what the story is.

judgefudge

I would be put out too if a guy I liked asked me to dinner and when I asked what night he said "I don't know, I'll see if I can do it". So I get where you're comin from, I'm sure you'd know the general tone of his messages and you'd be able to tell if that was out of character.

You say he's been flirty and chasing you for months? Maybe that's just his thing, maybe he enjoys the thrill of the chase.

I don't know but if I got a text like that I know I'd be making different plans anyway. If he is genuine and it was a miscommunication then I'm sure he'll get in touch soon enough. For the moment just do your own thing!

Good luck

LegacyUser

I like clarity on these things. If I was in your position I would now text and say:

"Hey. Are we going out for dinner this weekend and if so, when? I am free tomorrow night if you are. I've had some other invitations and I'm unsure what to tell them so a clear plan would be great! Thanks."

Perhaps this guy only wanted you when he couldn't have you. Or perhaps he is just very laid back and doesn't like to make firm arrangements. Either way he is being inconsiderate but the above text should clarify things somewhat.

dellas1979

Just had to reply to this thread.
Is he interested or not, we dont know.

But if you have plans to make, or things to do, do them. Dont be waiting for him to arrange. Or change your plans. Keep 90% of yourself going while this is going on. Dont loose yourself! That is more important than if he is interested or not.

Czarcasm

OP in all honesty and without hoping to offend, but it sounds like neither of you are all that interested in meeting up or getting to know each other.

You've known "of" each other for a year, you met through work, and every so often you communicate via facebook or text, just to go to bloody dinner?

Can you seriously see any sort of a relationship coming of this? I wouldn't entertain it any further if I were you OP, it seems to be just causing you more frustration and headaches than it's worth.

CaraMay

That was a bit ridiculous on his part. I would make plans with friends as normal for tomorrow night and see him next weekend if he mentions it. If he doesn't pin down a date soon I would move on very quickly. Chances are he is dating others too so bear that in mind.

blairbear

Well I actually do like the guy. I was in a relationship when I met him, then we weren't in the same country again til two weeks ago.

Maybe it's just me but I communicate with the vast majority of people I know through text and fb. I only speak on the phone to about five people and when I have a boyfriend, obviously I'd talk to him on the phone.

For me and my social circle, it'd be the norm not to ring someone prior to a first date. Fb and texting are usual for us.

He may not be that bothered meeting up of course but I do like him.

Chara1001

Yeh actually getting a text like that would bother me too...

He's done most of the chasing, but you've been clear you're interested in meeting him for a date, why now to back away? i'd find that frustrating, if he's joking it's a bit of a failure.

Ringing/ facebook/ texting- whatever- its always possible to get mixed messages whichever one you use.

You could ring him and ask him, but to be honest it's probably much better to make your own plans and to go ahead with them, i mean you can't enter into a possible relationship accepting to wait around till the last minute in case your OH wants to do something- or drop plans already made because he's changed his mind.

blairbear

He ended up initiating contact again tonight. I asked him if there was a plan and he kind of just dismissed the question, saying I must be wrecked after work.

He's clearly a bit of a time waster. God knows why he keeps contacting me if he has no interest in pursuing things. I said I was heading out tomorrow night with my friends and looking forward to it.

I think my instincts were right in this case!

Czarcasm

blairbear wrote: »

He ended up initiating contact again tonight. I asked him if there was a plan and he kind of just dismissed the question, saying I must be wrecked after work.

He's clearly a bit of a time waster. God knows why he keeps contacting me if he has no interest in pursuing things. I said I was heading out tomorrow night with my friends and looking forward to it.

I think my instincts were right in this case!

The bolded bit, in a nutshell. It does sound blairbear like he only contacts you when he's at a loose end or when he's reminded of you any time he meets you. I wouldn't entertain him any further.

LegacyUser

blairbear wrote: »

He ended up initiating contact again tonight. I asked him if there was a plan and he kind of just dismissed the question, saying I must be wrecked after work.

He's clearly a bit of a time waster. God knows why he keeps contacting me if he has no interest in pursuing things. I said I was heading out tomorrow night with my friends and looking forward to it.

I think my instincts were right in this case!

How disappointing. He sounds either very arrogant or very insecure. I'm sorry it didn't work out for you.

wallycharlo

blairbear wrote: »

...he kind of just dismissed the question, saying I must be wrecked after work...

This does indeed sound flaky.

Legs.Eleven

Flaky beyond belief! A man who loves the chase and nothing more. Hope your head is not too wreaked. Head out tonight and have some fun.

beks101

blairbear wrote: »

From my experience, if a guy likes you, he makes definite plans without room for misinterpretation.

Yeah this is all you need to know.

After such a ****ty break up the last thing you need is more stress over another guy.

Inconsistency is the biggest warning sign for me as Im pretty straight forward and always solid about my plans & intentions. To expect the same isn't remotely unreasonable.

Give him a wide berth unless he chooses to name the place and time and it suits your schedule. You deserve that.

blairbear

Thanks guys!

My head isn't too wrecked at all. I had a half an hour of feeling sorry for myself last night but I'm just amused at his silly antics now. Immediately prior to me asking what the plan was, he'd sent a text saying I was so gorgeous, blah blah blah, and it annoyed me more than anything. When he asked me out last weekend, he made constant mention of it for two days before abandoning the notion of it, as I now know.

You just have to be pathologically ridiculous to be a grown man and act like this!

arnold72

blairbear wrote: »

Thanks for the feedback guys.

I have messaged him first on occasion and texted him first, plenty of times.

I really don't see how his text could be interpreted as jokey at all. If it is, we clearly don't have the same sense of humour. I don't know how I can show him I'm any more interested; the only time I've turned his offer of a date down is when I was in a serious relationship.

I think he's being flakey. There's no way I'd ring him now after already being put on the long finger about the date. I really haven't been sitting pretty letting him chase me for months. From my experience, if a guy likes you, he makes definite plans without room for misinterpretation. It's Friday afternoon now and I'm none the wiser. I think being unavailable this weekend is a good plan unless I hear from him really soon.

He May have been in the middle of something when he sent the text . It was a short and a little unexplained compared to what your used to .

But if your aim was to go on a date ? Yes i think it was . Why decide to say no then , this is were the games start .

Keep it simple be positive don't think too much , if you get the chance go on the date and enjoy yourself , don't put too much pressure on yourself , you said it already you came out of a rough break , this is new start this person will be totally different .

Hit the reset button and keep your options open too :-)

dellas1979

Yeah-unfortunately....be very careful here now with what emotions you are giving to him now and the future.

He does indeed sound now like he playing a little game, especially you directly asking when you were going to meet and avoiding the question.

The thing is, he will worm his way back in, probably next week, he'll shower you with attention again through text, gorgeous etc, to get the date, it may go ahead (when suits him), but he'll step back again. The best indicator of future behaviour is past behaviour. So, youve been warned.

How old is he anyways?

blairbear

dellas1979 wrote: »

Yeah-unfortunately....be very careful here now with what emotions you are giving to him now and the future.

He does indeed sound now like he playing a little game, especially you directly asking when you were going to meet and avoiding the question.

The thing is, he will worm his way back in, probably next week, he'll shower you with attention again through text, gorgeous etc, to get the date, it may go ahead (when suits him), but he'll step back again. The best indicator of future behaviour is past behaviour. So, youve been warned.

How old is he anyways?

He's in his early thirties I think, not sure exactly. I'm 28.

To the other poster who warned me against playing games, Arnold72;
clearly I'm not playing games at all. I'm being completely transparent and straight forward. I did indeed want to go on a date when I thought it was with a man who was interested in getting to know me and making a plan and sticking to it. His time is not more important than mine and even if I'm just organising a night out with friends, I wouldn't leave a plan hanging in the balance having been asked straight out to confirm a few times.

It's just rude!

dellas1979

Sounds like a player to me (ah you get used to spotting them). Shower you with attention, and in someways it is undeserving, because you barely know the man (thats one way to spot one). Overdoses of meaningless affection, before anything even happens, is classic. But thats what they do. You let your guard down, because hey, hes said all these nice things to me/is showing interest. But it is all fake. It is some sort of ego boost to them.

They know what to say, when to say it, but will never give a straight answer when youve got the simplest of questions. Now you are looking for something genuine from him, the fakeness becomes exposed.

LegacyUser

Maybe he doesn't have the money to take you out this week? Could it be possible he maight be strapped for cash at the moment that he didn't foresee.

I wouldn't be so quick to right him off as a time-waster just yet.

arnold72

well bear , if he is saying your wrecked , your probably right , he`s not giving you enough credit , your spidey senses are probably right .
Better know now than later . He had his chance ,,,,,, Next please lol , youll be fine ....

arnold72

blairbear wrote: »

He's in his early thirties I think, not sure exactly. I'm 28.

To the other poster who warned me against playing games, Arnold72;
clearly I'm not playing games at all. I'm being completely transparent and straight forward. I did indeed want to go on a date when I thought it was with a man who was interested in getting to know me and making a plan and sticking to it. His time is not more important than mine and even if I'm just organising a night out with friends, I wouldn't leave a plan hanging in the balance having been asked straight out to confirm a few times.

It's just rude!

yeah bear i can retract that statement earlier as it turns out your on the ball , i just meant games as in someone saying no but really wanted to , no reflection on you at all , chin up you have some courage putting it up here and I hope it all works out .... im o your side :-)

daisybelle2008

OP, are you 100% sure he is single? I've seen this before and it turned out the guy was with someone and got guilty at the last minute, a bit of ego stroking going on, seeing if he still has it but unable to convert it into anything cause he is actually with someone.

blairbear

daisybelle2008 wrote: »

OP, are you 100% sure he is single? I've seen this before and it turned out the guy was with someone and got guilty at the last minute, a bit of ego stroking going on, seeing if he still has it but unable to convert it into anything cause he is actually with someone.

Yeah he's definitely single. We have mutual friends who know him very well. But I agree, otherwise the same alarm bells would be going off for me.

He's just texted me saying he's heading out for dinner with a friend. This is extra bizarre to me as firstly, there's no need to tell me and secondly, he was clearly able to get himself organised enough for this dinner! (I even briefly wondered if he'd just had an expensive month and couldn't afford to go out and was too embarrassed to say, but this proves that's not the case). If he had the plan already in place why didn't he tell me earlier or bother asking me out? He's just coming off as odd now.

Chara1001

Ugh op, that's just really strange.

Best to stay out of it, luckily you found out now

annoyedgal

Don't waste another minute of your life wondering about his motives. He loves the thrill of the chase and nothing more. My advice would be to blank him completely via text as sure as anything he will keep up the texting and flirting to inflate his ego and see if your still interested. I have first hand experience of this crap. He is a complete time waster as you said and is thriving on the attention. Delete his number and move on happy in the knowledge that you dodged a total mind f@*k!

Esoteric_

Probably another female 'friend' he's going out to dinner with tbh.

Just drop the contact, he's a complete head-wrecker, OP.