Lack of a sex life getting me down

rereg13

This is my first time ever posting something like this or even saying it to anyone so sorry in advance for the waffle.

I'm a 26 year-old lad, I have a decent enough job, a good group of friends who i socialise with regularly and would be generally what people might consider a normal enough guy. The one major difference is that I have laughably little sexual experience, almost none of which I'd say was enjoyable.

I lost my virginity when I was 18 and I remember at the time thinking things would shoot on from there. I'd say like most, it was a fairly awkward experience. At first attempt I couldn't get it up but then finally after 'cuddling' for a while I was good to go and did the business (30 seconds that I'm sure the girl has long forgotten!) I remember at the time thinking things would progress from there, but they didn't.

Since then I've had a good few situations in which I've gone home with a girl but for one reason or another sex never happened. Sometimes this was down to a failure to get it up (always when drunk, but as much down to nerves) or else the opposite, and ejaculating after any kind of sustained contact was made with my penis. Other times we just did other stuff or she wasn't keen, on her period etc.

This has obviously always being an issue that played heavy on my mind but I always managed to push it to one side or tell myself it was just a matter of time and get on with my life. The strange thing is that while I would definitely not call myself a player, I'm not terrible with women either. I can approach them and talk to them without any problem and have dated a few, although nothing that could be called a relationship. As a person I wouldn't say I lack confidence, although I sometimes do with girls (maybe this is more a lack of assertiveness).

In the past I had managed to downplay the issue and get on with my life alright. It obviously got to me and played on my mind, but I always told myself it was just a matter of time, things would turn around etc. Then, earlier this year I went out a few times with a girl that I liked and the same sexual disaster happened. I think one night I came early, and on two other occasions I was too drunk to get it up (I'm well aware of how stupid this was, I guess i drank to get over the nerves). The girl quite obviously cooled things off although we work together and still have an amicable relationship. She never explicitly stated why, but I'm fairly certain it was down to the shocking bedroom performance.

It gave me a long-needed wake-up call to the gravity of my situation. I'm missing out on such a big part of life and am stuck in a catch-22 situation. My lack of experience is going to make me awful in bed, especially compared to anyone else my age, which in turn is going to make me apprehensive and nervous. This combination is going to scare away any partner, which will prevent me getting the experience I need to overcome this problem.

I'm increasingly feeling lonely, inadequate and fairly worthless, and am beginning to think this is no longer going to be the temporary state of affairs I always figured I'd get out of, but instead it is going to be for the rest of my life. Like most people, I always pictured myself getting married and having kids, and most people I know would picture me that way too. However I'm now starting to think that's going to be impossible and I'm destined to be single forever.

Has anyone else been in a similar situation, and if so how did they overcome it?

As much as I hate the idea, I've recently given thought to turning to a prostitute. If I needed to learn how to drive I would get lessons, so if I need to learn how to have sex... but as I said it's not something I want to do and would feel awful doing it. Another equally ridiculous idea I've considered is viagra, so that the next time I manage to get a girl I won't have the problem of not getting it up.

It's now getting to the stage where it's affecting my sleep, my work and my general outlook on life.

I'm posting this as a re-reg because I currently live in Canada and can't post anonymously.

fermanagh_man

If you were in Ireland id say join Plenty of Fish as I know plenty of guys who have had sex after 1 date, there must be a Canadian version

FoxT

OP, reading your post it sounds like drink/being drunk has impacted your performance on a number of occasions. Drink has this effect on many men, if not most/all.

I can understand you being nervous, but drink won't solve that! I expect that if you held back a bit on the drink, you'd increase your success rate.

Premature ejaculation is also common - but that can be handled too. Make it clear to your partner that it happens sometimes, but you'll be ready to rock & roll again in a bit, (and, you will be, especially if you are sober).

I can understand you feeling low about this, but all your mates have similar issues too, from time to time, because all men do. Sex is not a competition, it is something you need to work out how to enjoy for yourself.

Best of luck with it,

-FoxT

s14driftking

id reckament a escort for the experience or a few one nite stands to build confidence and sexual experience.
i had the premature ejaculation problem before and i found drinking jack daniels and coke cures that for me cider is brutal for me or budweiser but a few jds before end of nite it rises and stays hard longer

miamee

OP, it sounds like any if your experiences so far have been one night stands or short-lived flings without you developing any kind of relationship. I assume you have never had a girlfriend?
Some people need to get to know a person before having séx with them. It is an intimate and personal experience for some and needs a certain amount of trust and comfort between the two people. Maybe you are one of those people?
You might want to think about looking for a relationship and working on that before séx. The right woman will be patient and give you a few pointers, make allowances for your lack of experience, etc. I find it odd that you don't really seem concerned with having a girlfriend, just having séx. Shifting your focus to a relationship/girlfriend might help.

rereg13

Thanks for the responses.

@Miamee, looking back over my OP I didn't make this clear at all, but more than anything my main fear is that a lack of experience and the issues this brings will prevent me from being able to get a girlfriend, because realistically speaking I accept that a lot/most girls my age are not going to want to hang around in a relationship with someone who isn't satisfying them.

More than anything else what I would like is a relationship, but I fear that when the right girl comes along it will be too much of an issue for her, or just as likely, I will perceive it be too much of an issue and self-doubt and paranoia will creep in and put an end to things.

@Fox T, you are bang on the money about the drinking. It's something that I really need to control. I wouldn't say I have a drink problem or anything, but I recognise that in many social situations I feel far more comfortable after a few drinks.

A couple of times I might have met a girl at the weekend drunk, had no problem chatting to her, being fairly confident and outgoing and maybe kissed her or gone home with her. If I meet her a few days later for a date and am sober I just about muster up the courage for a goodnight kiss and not a whole lot more. This stupid over-reliance on Dutch courage is something I seriously need to address, both by drinking less and not relying on it for some kind of false confidence.

As for the other comments regarding dating sites or escorts, they are definitely a very logical solution, but I just don't know if I would feel comfortable going down that path. What I think I might do is set myself a deadline.

I'm going to take advice on board about cutting back the drink and not obsessing over the sex issue, but rather trying to find a girl who I'm very comfortable with and enjoy spending time with. If by a certain date this hasn't been successful, I'll seriously consider going down a different route.

RossFixxxed

s14driftking wrote: »

id reckament a escort for the experience or a few one nite stands to build confidence and sexual experience.
i had the premature ejaculation problem before and i found drinking jack daniels and coke cures that for me cider is brutal for me or budweiser but a few jds before end of nite it rises and stays hard longer

From what you have said OP, I would recommend doing the polar opposite of this.

LegacyUser

Hi OP, I'm going through more or less the same thing as you, i'm the same age and all. I was 22 when I first had sex, it was with a girl who was older and quite attractive, and despite a few false starts the sex was fairly good and I had a casual relationship with her for a few months, like yourself I thought the floodgates would open after this but it's four years on and I've had nothing but a few messy drunken one night stands, most of which were a flop, if ya know what I mean.

While I'm obviously not the best man to be giving you advice as I'm in the same position as you, I think it's important to be as positive as possible, and not be too hard on yourself, even tho this is really hard at times. I'd also really advise the online dating thing, I started it recently myself, and I've been on a few dates, tho haven't got the monkey off my back yet, it's important to get yourself out there and keep pluggin' away. If meeting girls on nights out isn't working it's time to change tactics, because I find the combination of the hangover and your insecurities about failing to get laid again make you depressed well into the week. While I'd generally take a girl out for a drink, it's not like you'd be having 6 pints and a rake of vodka like vou would with the lads. As well I'm fairly sure plenty of fish the sight fermanagh man mentioned is based in Canada so it's deffinitely available.

I figure that if I could have a fairly healthy sexual relationship at 22 with no prior experience, I can do it again now, with a change of tactics and a bit more assertiveness, and I'm sure you can do the same OP.

Keep the chin up and all the best.

rereg13

sexuallyfrustratedweatherforecaster wrote: »

Hi OP, I'm going through more or less the same thing as you, i'm the same age and all. I was 22 when I first had sex, it was with a girl who was older and quite attractive, and despite a few false starts the sex was fairly good and I had a casual relationship with her for a few months, like yourself I thought the floodgates would open after this but it's four years on and I've had nothing but a few messy drunken one night stands, most of which were a flop, if ya know what I mean.

While I'm obviously not the best man to be giving you advice as I'm in the same position as you, I think it's important to be as positive as possible, and not be too hard on yourself, even tho this is really hard at times. I'd also really advise the online dating thing, I started it recently myself, and I've been on a few dates, tho haven't got the monkey off my back yet, it's important to get yourself out there and keep pluggin' away. If meeting girls on nights out isn't working it's time to change tactics, because I find the combination of the hangover and your insecurities about failing to get laid again make you depressed well into the week. While I'd generally take a girl out for a drink, it's not like you'd be having 6 pints and a rake of vodka like vou would with the lads. As well I'm fairly sure plenty of fish the sight fermanagh man mentioned is based in Canada so it's deffinitely available.

I figure that if I could have a fairly healthy sexual relationship at 22 with no prior experience, I can do it again now, with a change of tactics and a bit more assertiveness, and I'm sure you can do the same OP.

Keep the chin up and all the best.

Thanks for posting this. It's good to know I'm not the only one!

Since I posted the OP I have actually had sex with a girl I met at a party and it was definitely a weight off the shoulders (as well as good fun), although definitely not anything that was ever going to develop any further.

I still have this apprehension though that my lack of experience is going to mean that for the short-term at least I'm not going to be much good in bed. I guess it's a fear of embarrassment as much as anything else, but I just need to man up and take it on the chin, because the only way to overcome it is to do it.