Running down the clock

LegacyUser

I have suffered from depression for a number of years now (I'll be 40 in a few weeks).
Lately I have become very apathetic towards life.I used to have hobbies like going to GAA and soccer games but now I only go to fill the time.I have a couple of mates that I go with but I have to fake interest in it when I am there with them. I used to be a fanatic about it.I had a favourite team that I used to support but now I don't even watch them on TV.
I loved going to the movies and gigs,now it's just a case of "I couldn't be bothered". I find it hard to make friends as I don't have many interests and I don't talk non-stop (that seems to be a pre-requisite in order to be popular).
I changed career five years ago (well ten if you count the degree I did before that).
I haven't really made the progress I wanted in my new career but it certainly wasn't for lack of effort.
I have been in and out of employment in the last five years.The last job I was in I really enjoyed but I had to leave 'cause the pay was crap.
I hate the job I am in right now as it is not that motivating and I work mostly on my own. I have only been in it a few weeks so it might get better.I also live by myself and I don't have a girlfriend.
I haven't been completely negative,I've joined a group online that I went out at weekends with but I am usually thinking about work when I am out with them so I don't really enjoy it. I am vey restless too so I find it hard to relax in one place for very long.
I am on antidepressants which are a help and I go to an Aware meeting once a week which is a great help.
I've let my job define my life. I am really passionate about what I do for a living (even though I am obviously not very good at it) so if there is a choice between work and play,work will win out every time.
Maybe it's the boring nature of my job that is causing my low mood or the realisation that at forty years of age I have failed in what I set out to achieve.
I've become regretful about the past,re-digesting past events (both happy and sad) like the great times I had when I shared a house in my college days with a couple of lads I have long since lost contact with.
I am fearful for the future as because of my depression I don't ever see myself ever getting married.Depression is not really an appealing characteristic in a potential partner :-)
I can be good company at times;funny,articulate,opinionated and smart but it hides an inner pain.
I had big plans when I started my new career but now they seem irrelevant due to my age.My attitude is "sure what's the point?I'm forty years old,I should have achieved all this years ago"
I know that's a terribly defeatist attitude as lots of change careers at a very late age.
I also feel like I haven't really lived.
I have never travelled to another country but I would love to visit South America one day.Even though I have nobody to go with I could find a group online I suppose. I could have gone during the time I spent out of work but I didn't out of a twisted form of self-denial.
I feel like I am just running down the clock on my life but unfortunately it's only half-time and I still have the second half to come.
That's a shocking attitude to have as there are people out there dying with cancer who would give anything to have a longer life.
However it's just the way I feel.
I had a lot of dreams and things I wanted to do but it all feels too late.
Sorry to be such a negative b#####d (and sorry about the over-use of the word "I" in this post).

thefeatheredcat

OP it sounds to me that perhaps with the new job not living up to a fixed expectation - which I think you need to give a chance to really get into it - bringing you to living in the past.

The problem with being brought back to the past, you can end up wallowing in reminiscence in denial of the present you are living, escaping the reality, dreaming of the memories both positive and negative and without ever having to confront the present or the future. The past in our lives serves as a guide towards the future, where we cannot go back but can only learn from past mistakes and implement them in the present and future.

It's never too late to learn something new or undertake new experiences... life would be dull and boring if we all accomplished everything possible by age 30 or 40 or 50 or 60 that would leave the remaining years with just nothing to accomplish, no excitement, no adventure, but to repeat things at a different level, maybe with increased difficulty and maybe with greater ease.

You have a lot to look forward to. You want to travel? Then make plans and make that a priority for you, a goal for you. Look at South America, where you have always wanted to go and make steps for yourself to book yourself a holiday there. It doesn't have to be a great Man Vs Nature wild expedition, you can make it like that if you want to and it doesn't matter if you go alone or with a group. Don't worry about not having someone to go with, it will give you more freedom to go it alone or as part of a group, rather than having to worry about another person and if they are enjoying it or not or the baggage that can come with travelling companions where sometimes it can go sour.

You can change your life, if you are willing to allow yourself to change your life for the better. Extend yourself slowly to get yourself comfortable and be at ease with changes in life, take baby steps until you feel more confident in taking plunges.

As for depression.... you might be quite surprised with depression being more openly talked about and it being more acknowledged. Every person has their own story to them as a person, some may have experienced depression themselves, some may have known someone with depression and some may never have had encountered anyone with depression or may not have had any experience with it. But more and more so, you'll find people can relate at some level, regardless of whether it is a blip or much more long term. I can't say for everyone, but I think society is perhaps more understanding and empathetic towards people who have depression and more aware of how people can be and can feel.

Don't let depression be the barrier to your happiness and to you having a full, fulfilling, meaningful life with positive experiences. Allow yourself those good and positive things, you are worthy of them and you deserve those good things too.

So make it happen for yourself. You can change your life, for the better, if you are willing.

boomchicawawa

Hey, I know you talk about depression so I don't want to trivialise your pain but 'midlife crisis' is screaming out from the page which is something a LOT of people go through. I just celebrated a 'certain date' recently and I have had my moments of thinking that the best years are behind me. This is all apparently normal and the introspection is a part of this. You seem to have a lot going for you and perhaps if you make a list of all your positive attributes you may be surprised at what jumps out of the page. I attended a talk by a child psychologist once who told the story of asking American kids to write down what they were good at, many of the kids asked for a second page to fit in all the good stuff. She repeated this exercise with Irish kids and apparently they had on average only two or three things at most to say positively about themselves.. I think its in our psyche to be hard on ourselves and negativity only breeds negativity. If you start to appreciate your talents and good points, you will gain more confidence and this will make you mentally stronger. Make a small wish list of a few things that you would like to achieve that you feel are in your grasp to achieve and just do it!
I wish you all the best and never feel that you are alone......

LegacyUser

I suppose it is a bit of a mid-life crisis.
If you reach 40 and can say "Well I've done most of the things I set out to do before that age" you can be happy.
However in my case I haven't as I was very unambitious when I was younger.
I want to do those things now but it feels pointless.
It does feel like my best years are behind me (I don't believe all that "life begins at 40" stuff).
I suppose the isolating nature of my new job is making me more depressed and prone to introspection.
Add in the fact I also live by myself and it makes for a bad situation.
My HSE doc has warned me about being my myself all the time. I know that he would be very unhappy if he learnt about my current situation.
There seems little I can do about being on my own during the day (except maybe move to a different job;fat chance) but I need to find something to do in my free time that involves interacting with people.

thefeatheredcat

Frank_99 wrote: »

I want to do those things now but it feels pointless.

You can do those things, if you want to. The only person actually stopping you, is yourself. It's never pointless simply because when you stop comparing your achievements and accomplishments against other people, you realise you've probably done stuff they never have had, and that there is no time limit in life in completing or achieving different things. The only really important thing is that you do what makes you happy and you live a fulfilling, rewarding, meaningful life. Forget whatever an individual is "supposed" to have done by age 30 or 40, if we were all to follow that perception, we'd all be the same in a giant collective of people who have nothing left to live for, but the drudgery of the same old same old with nothing to look forward to.

There's lots of stuff I haven't done, I'm 31, no husband, kids, house+mortgage, job, a year ago I was fairly upset at where I was in life in comparison to where others thought I should be and in comparison to those around me of a similar age; I thought what was the point, I'm way behind everyone else in life, and then I realised that didn't really matter. Since I accepted that and just did what I wanted, make changes where I wanted, at my pace, when I felt the time was right for me to do stuff, like learn to drive, like learn an instrument, I'd do it, when I felt ready. And I have still got loads to look forward to, which is a far better place to be in my opinion than having already done it all, with nothing really left to look forward to.

The only person that can make anything happen for yourself, is you.

While you may work and live alone, are you part of the community within work, is there a mentality of providing shared facilities where you can interact with people? What about being active in the community in general? Are there good clubs and societies you can join up locally, stuff that might interest you, or even areas where you can meet people away from the pub?

LegacyUser

While you may work and live alone, are you part of the community within work, is there a mentality of providing shared facilities where you can interact with people? What about being active in the community in general? Are there good clubs and societies you can join up locally, stuff that might interest you, or even areas where you can meet people away from the pub?[/quote]
I was thinking about doing volunteering,it's supposed to be a good way of meeting people. It's a "work to live" problem really.
I enjoyed my last job do much that I didn't mind not having a life outside of work as the job satisfied that want in me. I don't enjoy this job so I need something outside of it to give me something to look forward to.
I have been in jobs before that I didn't like but I had an interest in sport and music so I "worked to live". That interest in those things is gone now (or at least not as strong) so I have to find something else I feel enthusiasm for.
Life isn't all about work is it?People work to give themselves a better life outside of work.What is the point of life otherwise?