doubting my relationship

LegacyUser

I've been dating my boyfriend for four years and we love each other to bits. However, I feel like he (without really meaning to) puts a lot of pressure on me to sort his life out and I'm pretty much at breaking point.

We're both in our late 20's but sometimes I feel like my role to him is more like a mother than a girlfriend. I'm struggling finding work at the moment but I know what I want to do and I'm pretty determined. He on the other hand is constantly going between ****ty jobs, ever since I met him. He always gets fired from these jobs by turning up late or taking sick days and things like that. It's not that he doesn't work hard, he just doesn't particularly care for any of the jobs so being late or getting fired doesn't mean much to him. When he does get fired, he goes into a bit of a slump emotionally and financially and I'm expected to pick up the pieces. He's always relied on others to sort out his mess, from friends to past girlfriends. If I refuse to lend him money for example it doesn't really matter because he'll just get it off someone else.

He's trying to get an apprenticeship for a line of work that he really wants to get into but again I feel like I'm under tremendous pressure to make sure he's filling out the right forms, meeting deadlines, making the right phonecalls etc. Sometimes I'm stressing myself out so much trying to get him a career that I just stop and think "what the f. am I doing? This is his life, he's a grown man" and I'll stop. I did that last year and he ended up missing a load of deadlines so things went nowhere and I had to really support him and make him feel better when it went to ****. This time round I'm trying to remind him (or it's really just nagging) but less often. When it hits me that I've forgot about something he had to do and I haven't prompted him to do it in the last while I get a heart attack calling him up making sure he's done it (and he never has). So basically if I don't remember, it doesn't get done. Even if its something he really wants for himself.

I'm talking about jobs here but lack of drive and motivation happens from big to small in his life. A simple task like making a phone call to just enquire about a new computer part he needs for example could take up to six months of me reminding him before it'll happen.

I'm just getting so tired of it. I feel like I've aged since I've met him. I've tried to talk about it with him before and he's felt really bad and apologised and says he'll try get things together but he never has. To be honest I think he'll always be like that it's like it's in his DNA. I'm not pushed to get married or start a family any time soon but I've been thinking how I'd ever be able to have children with him. I seriously love him a lot but I can't get married and start a family with someone who can't be relied on to do as simple a task as you can think of. At least not without me there going grey with the nagging. I've been resenting him recently for putting me in this position. I'm trying to kick off my own career, I can't continue this split personality of organising both our lives.

Any advice? Like I said, I love him but I just don't see much of a solution to this. I find myself daydreaming about living with a man whose got his life together, someone who can take care of me for once. I don't want to break up with him but where's any of this going?

judgefudge

Jesus OP. I feel for you, that would do my head in

It sounds like this relationship is wearing you down. I know you say you love him, but does he actually make you happy? Because that's just as important.

I think the only thing you can do is sit down and talk to him about it. You don't think he'll change but maybe if he realises he could lose you he will? And if he can't change now he never will.

Your boyfriend should be your partner, not your child. There's nothing sexier and more satisfying than having a capable partner that has his own goals and ambitions, drive and enthusiasm. Don't settle for less.

LegacyUser

Hi OP

I was in a pretty similar position to this once.

I too was with the guy for 4 years. And experienced all those things you said you have.

My situation was worse, because with my ex it was every aspect of his life he wouldn't organise. He would , like your guy, go into work late, sometimes not even at all and would end up getting fired. What was worse, he was a fully qualified tradesperson so wasn't, like your boyfriend, disliking these jobs - he should have been enjoying them. This was also happening at a time when tradespeople were demanding one thousand euro a week AFTER TAX so he had absolutely no excuse to not want to work in my opinion. However, he preferred to live off me or his mother.

I got so sick of reminding him about deadlines that it drove a real wedge between us, he would call me a nag and I would seriously resent all the stress he put me through. He would fail to tax his car, fail to insure it..... once I finally got him to insure it he would fail to make the payments and the insurance would become void. "I still have a disc for the year" he would say. It got so bad that I once set up a direct debit from my own account, just for the peace of mind that he was driving around insured. He wasn't at all ashamed by this.

As I said, he would fail to tax his car. I tried, as you did OP to just wait and see, I thought that maybe by not stepping up to the role of mammy might wake him up. Nope. He got caught with no tax. 80euro fine. Didn't pay and ended up in court. Fine went up to 600euro. He later got 2 penalty points and 80euro fine that he also didn't pay. This went up to 120euro. Didn't pay. Got a court summons. Didn't go. Got a second court summons. Didn't go. He ended up getting arrested at his house and brought directly to Mountjoy Prison where he had to stay for a night until I paid his fines.

Upon getting him out I warned him that if he ever ended up there again not to call me. He swore he wouldn't. The next time his tax went out he didn't renew.

At that point I just couldn't take anymore. A man that can't handle responsibility is not a man in my opinion. I would say the same about a woman too.

I ended the relationship because I knew I deserved better than to be lumped with someone like him for the rest of my life. He was making me sick with the stress, and he couldn't even appreciate that I cared so much, I was just the nagging b!tch who was too serious about everything.

I knew that after 4 years of doing this to me and himself that he (a) didn't have the self respect to change (b) didn't have respect for me after treating me that way for so long so (c) wasn't going to change at all.

There were other factors involved, but I ended the relationship. I now have a boyfriend who has a job and works very hard. We are both independent and I would never look to be kept, like yourself OP, but as I'm sure you would agree, it's nice to know that you can each hold your own and that the relationship is equal.

Good Luck

Stavro Mueller

I'm sorry but I really can't see how this guy is going to change at this stage. I think you're in love with a fantasy. That the feckless man you're with is somehow going to change and then you can ride off into the sunset. I know a few women who have partners or sons who are exactly like him. Their relationships with these men are exactly like what you and the person above me described. It's like Groundhog Day. A constant cycle of reminding, nagging and picking up the pieces. It has worn them down and it's wearing you down.

Oryx

Your only option is tough love. Stop helping him. Stop being the one who sorts his life out. As long as you do, he never will. Maybe he will end up in prison like your man above. Or maybe he will cop on. But you cannot be his mammy and fixer. It will wear you out and kill any love you have.

Stavro Mueller

Oryx wrote: »

Your only option is tough love. Stop helping him. Stop being the one who sorts his life out. As long as you do, he never will. Maybe he will end up in prison like your man above. Or maybe he will cop on. But you cannot be his mammy and fixer. It will wear you out and kill any love you have.

That is very true and I agree that it's the only way. The only problem is that other people may help him out if she doesn't. She mentioned that if she doesn't give him money he will get it off someone else...

Merkin

You are dating a "man-boy" and the likelihood is that he won't change. I personally would find this a huge turn-off, a grown-up man is responsible and dependable and mature while this guy seems to be bordering on requiring spoon-feeding and winding after every meal! :eek:

I'd tell him that you're going to stop facilitating him and then I'd follow through with the threat. You have to be prepared that doing so will be the beginning of the end however as it is unlikely he will get his act together. That's not being pessimistic, just realistic and chances are he will still be like this in twenty years time. Don't let him suck the life out of you. Any relationship should be based on an equal footing, not one party feeling like a guardian and minder.

December2012

cymbaline wrote: »

That is very true and I agree that it's the only way. The only problem is that other people may help him out if she doesn't. She mentioned that if she doesn't give him money he will get it off someone else...

if she doesn't give him money he will get it off someone else...


So what? Let them. Let them chase him for repayment and hassle him. It's not her role and it does him no favours. Personally OP if I were you I'd be gone. The guy is a loser and will drag you down.

illgetthere

OP, I was also in a relationship like this for 5 years and my advice to you is to get out. You may love him but he is making you miserable. There is a saying that you can't be someone's lover AND mother, which for me sums up my previous relationship and what you have said about your own relationship. Why on earth should you spend your life mothering and nagging a grown man, a man you cannot depend on to follow through on anything, even the most basic things?

Surely he can see how unhappy this situation is making you and yet he is choosing not to do anything to help himself or to benefit your relationship. I left my ex for these reasons and I am so much happier in my new relationship. When my boyfriend says he will do something, he does it. No nagging, no checking, no keeping a mental note to remind him, no stress when he 'forgets'.

You are responsible for your own happiness, you do not need to be responsible for sorting out someone elses life.

robindch

Sorry to hear about your hassle -- it's no fun having somebody like that hanging around.

troublewithboyfriend wrote: »

He's always relied on others to sort out his mess, from friends to past girlfriends.

For me, that's the crux of the matter. Either he's able to behave like a mature, responsible adult, or he's not (for whatever reason and there are plenty).

If he's farting around and getting other people to do his work for him when it comes to things as basic as getting a job he says he likes, then what's he likely to be like when he and you have kids? In that case, having somebody who's doing their fair share isn't just the useful + mature, it's an absolute freaking necessity.

Sorry to have to agree with the other posters here, but my advice is to find some guy who cares.

LegacyUser

You sound like a person who has drive and motivation when your boyfriend is happy to drift along.

You have told us that you are not pushed to get married or start a family anytime soon.
I think you know your relationship is not going anywhere and every day with him is harder than the one before. I would advise you to tell him that it is over between you.
I would just say to him I can't wait for you to grow up and despite me chatting to you about things before now your not willing to make any changes. If he tells you I will change ect I would just tell him it is to late and that you don't want to hear from him after this.

Your far better off walking away from this relationship now rather than wasting anymore time with an immature man who is unwilling to grow up.
I know several woman who walked away from men like this and they went on to meet men who had got there lives together. You need to concentrate on your own life and let him worry about his.

I would contact your friends and let them know you ended things with ///. It is your decision if you tell them why you ended things.
You have told us that you are trying to get your career up and running so I would concentrate on this for a while. Towards the end of the summer I would look into some night courses you could do to help your job/career prospects. Also see what you could do or join to meet new people.
Good Luck