Thinking of cutting all links with parents

cruasder777

Hi Im a 43 year old guy, the youngest of 6, there's an age gap of 5 years to my next sibling. I grew up on a council estate, my upbringing was poor, but I never knew any different. My Father never acknowledged me as a child apart from criticism, as I got older I was told how much it cost to clothe and feed me etc, told I was useless at everything from kick a football to tying my shoelaces.

My sister once told me that he spat in my mothers face when pregnant and carrying shopping, as a child hearing him call her a c..t, bastard, bitch everyday was normality.

I grew up very self conscious with no confidence, but being the youngest meant I developed a personality to be loud enough outwardly to get noticed. Being at home felt like being in a warzone.

To this day I dont wear a dressing gown, or pyjamas, as I child I sometimes had to jump out of bed at 2am get quickly dressed and walk the streets with my Mother, if my Father was particularly drunk and nasty, its in my subconscious.

Christmas memories are of violence, rows and stepping over him when he unconscious lying on the hall.

Without doubt it helped created alot of emotional instability in me and an unstable view of the world, as a place I wanted to escape from.

I hated school, it was Christian brothers, who basically punched or shouted at you alot.

I saw alot of domestic violence growing up, my earliest memories, I was left shaking at times as a small child, convulsing with fear, unable to speak, Im convinced it created Post traumatic stress, it left me detached and disruptive, to this day I suffer with anxiety. I had an incident at 15 where I stopped him physically turning on my Mother. At 17 I moved away, my Father basically told me to f..off, my Mother backed him up, that really hurt.I met my late wife, we were happy, she was from a similar background, we lived a kind of hippy/new age travelller lifestyle, went to festivals, loved our music, had a son, it was idyllic.

I had never felt part of normal society, either did she, so it was a lifestyle we both loved.


Moved abroad, went back for holidays, had a big row with my parents where I never spoke to them for 6 years. They have never acknowleged any faults on their behalf. By this time I had some money, I wrote them a cheque for 18k, which I estimated the cost of feeding/clothing me, they sent it back.

As my son got older stayed in contact, visited every couple of years,I wanted my son to at least know one set of Grandparents. Swallowed my pride as there was a hierachy of favouritism with Grandchildren.

Then my wife got cancer, they offered support on the phone, my three sisters never called once in 3 years, they called when my wife died, they asked when the funeral was, I told them not to bother, since then 7 years ago I totally cut them out of my life.

I spoke with my parents alot when my wife was dying, needing support, It was a lonely place.

My mother really pissed me off, she a typical 50s generation Catholic, my wife had 6 months to live, my Mother told her my wife my sister had it harder as she had three children and her husband had left her, I suppose she was thinking of the "shame" of it.

They never offered much support when my wife died, my son had a serious breakdown, I told them about it, all I got told was there was nothing wrong and about my sisters financial woes. It has taken years to try to heal my son its an ongoing journey of therapy and medication, but hes getting there.

I put their emotional coldness down to no love, no hugs, etc as children.

I saw my Mother last week, at a funeral, the first time in three years, she greeted her sisters then lastly greeted me, it felt cold. My sisters (who are all f...ed up) where there too, I just said Hi, never spoke.

My Mother knew I had just got a dog, in front of everyone she said I was welcome to visit, but dont bring the dog. The last time I visited was three years ago, these days they live in the countryside.

I said I had no intentions to visit, so she had no need to worry.

Seeing her brought back all the hurt and anger, rejection.

It feels much better when these people are not in my head but dead to me. Meeting up put me in a bad place.

Even writing this feels like a release, quite cathartic.

My only worry in life is my son.

username123

Sounds like a bit of a no brainer to be honest. Why would you have people in your life who only cause you emotional anguish and pain? If someone has nothing positive to bring to the table then why entertain them?

I am estranged from my only sibling and was estranged from both of my parents before they died, horribly dysfunctional upbringing, alcoholism etc... My parents (and my siblings) behaviour was so toxic that all it did was bring be stress. Whats the point? Bloods not thicker than water, you cant choose your family is closer to the truth. Anyone who stays in contact despite it only being a damaging experience is only wasting their own time.

You have to look after your own mental health, no one else will. Dont ever feel bad for taking care of yourself, I can guarantee you, they wont be worried about you - you have to worry about yourself.

I hope you find peace.

cruasder777

Thankyou.

Why would you have people in your life who only cause you emotional anguish and pain?

I suppose in hope that they might have been there for my son, being a single parent was a lonely business, my health was not good and he had a breakdown as I said.

That was the reason, I suppose, In hope if I needed them they might have been there.

When you lose everything the world can be a very lonely place.

And Living in hope things might have got better. So I kept a link alive, saw them every couple of years.

Now I feel I want to totally cut them out, as you said whats the point.

And my son is now older and healing.

I also now know I can get more support from strangers who become friends then my own family

username123

cruasder777 wrote: »

I also now know I can get more support from strangers who become friends then my own family

And people who are your friends are under no obligation to support you so their behaviour is real.

Dont forget also that the toxic behaviour that you wish to separate yourself from is also something that could affect your son - why expose him to it, you know its already caused you harm.

Sometimes you have to make hard decisions to protect yourself, its not easy deciding to cut contact, but if you feel better by doing so - then its the right thing for you. The right thing is not always the easiest thing.

Lorna123

This is a sad tale OP. I can sense your hurt, and no matter how badly we are treated by our parents we always feel that we want to impress them and be thought highly of them. I feel that you have healed somewhat since your childhood and the sad fact is that your parents weren't educated enough to know how their behaviour was effecting you. It is not that they set out to hurt you but they just didn't think, your father being an alcoholic and most alcoholics put themselves first because of their illness. Your mother was at the mercy of your father and couldn't cope. She was mentally battered as you grew up and so she is at a disadvantage now in that she doesn't know how to show affection to you. You are the victim here and you are at a stage where you don't know how to react yourself. All you can do is talk to your mother, tell her how you feel and just say that she is welcome to your house anytime So then it is up to her to go and see you. Don't pass any remarks on the comment regarding the dog, she is probably afraid of dogs that's all.

I am sorry that your wife died and you got no help from your family much, that is surely very selfish of them. They know no better OP. Don't make any statements about not contacting them ever again but let them keep in touch with you if they want to.

You are doing well by your son and thank God he is improving. Try not to take offense at your mother because I really think she doesn't mean any harm, she just doesn't know what the right thing to do is.

Hope it all works out for you OP.

Esoteric_

Op, I can't add much to the fantastic advice you've been given, except to say that I agree with the advice to cut them out before they damage you even more.

The only other thing I can add is that I think some form of therapy could be extremely beneficial to you. You say it's helping your son (and fair play to you for supporting him so much when you have your own demons to battle), but have you considered it for yourself? It can help you to make sense of how you're feeling and why you're feeling the way you are, and can teach you good coping mechanisms for anxiety. Anxiety is a very tough illness to battle alone, I know that myself, so please consider talking to somebody.

You're helping your son, which is fantastic, but you sound like you could do with some support yourself. Best of luck with everything.

travellingbid

Hi, just to agree with the other posters - I think you should see a councillor to get some closer on this. Walking away probably won't be enough. I wish you and your son well. You sound like an incredible man to have come through all you have. You are stronger than you think