My partner's past

CarnagieHawl

Hi all, I had to set up a username as it wont allow me to post anonymously as I'm on the far side of the world!
Anyway, I never thought I'd think like this ever again as I thought I was mature enough to deal with this stuff, but it's bothering me, and I'm angry with myself over it.
It came out in drunken conversation recently that my girlfriend of about a year or so has slept with near to 100 guys. I wish I never heard that, but I did, and it has made me uncomfortable. My figure is single figures! I have had a few relationships but in between I tended to just be by myself and not sleep around.
I know I'll get attacked for being narrow minded and judgemental etc etc, but I'm only human, and correct me if I'm wrong but I doubt many people wouldn't bat an eyelid upon hearing this.
Is it a lot of people? Is that a high figure? I don't really know how many people women sleep with these days. She's 29 and I'm 30.
I'm very happy with her and I haven't been giving her a hard time over it but it makes me feel like she'll sleep with anyone anywhere and I'm a bit worried her attitude to sex may make infidelity more likely.
I know I'm being unreasonable but it's gotten me down, I wonder why I wasn't out sleeping with all sorts over the years, and even though the sex is good (for me anyway) perhaps we're not sexually compatible if our attitudes towards it are completely different?
Your views would be appreciated, thanks.

wallycharlo

OP, has your girlfriend been in many relationships previously, say roughly the same length as your current relationship?

CarnagieHawl

wallycharlo wrote: »

OP, has your girlfriend been in many relationships previously, say roughly the same length as your current relationship?

don't know the relevance but I think she was only in one serious one for about 3 years up until 2 years ago or so!

wallycharlo

CarnagieHawl wrote: »

don't know the relevance but I think she was only in one serious one for about 3 years up until 2 years ago or so!

I would think that the average person would find the number you mention high, though I would also imagine that the average person of that age would have had quite a lot of 'steady relationship years' in that period, and thus not had such a long period time when one could clock up such mileage so to speak (presuming faithful behaviour while in a relationship of course).

I don't think you are wrong to feel this way at all, it's simple to just say 'the past is the past' but in practice this is something which can be tough to swallow. You seem to have a good attitude though, so hopefully it weighs less on your mind as time goes on.

Dtp79

Ask her has she always been faithful in previous relationships?

shoos

Is there any chance she wasn't telling the truth? I can't see why she'd lie but 100 is a quite high number. It's also a nice well-rounded number so just seems a bit odd. Taking into account she's 29 and has only been in one relatively short long-term relationship, it still seems a bit over the top.

If a boyfriend told me that I'd also have a problem with it. And I am quite open minded when it comes to sex but 100 would have me wondering how they didn't spend more time dating the same person. I mean, why was it always a different guy/girl?

If you really like her, which you obviously do since she's your girlfriend, then it's definitely worth trying to put it behind you. And at least you've learnt one very important lesson - NEVER share each other's "numbers".... it will never end well.

jdsk2006

Ok fair enough you have a reason to shocked op but seriously you gotta forget her number and stop makin it an issue. I be more concerned about wether or not she practiced safe sex and not exposed herself to anything.......

username123

I dont really see what the issue is tbh. So she enjoyed herself when she was single. The hard figures only average out at about 10 people a year for 10 years. Given that there might have been a few mad periods of time like holidays or hens weekends to balance out being in a relationship for 2 years - she had sex with a different person less than once a month.

It really depends on your view of sex. If you see it as a sort of mystical, keep yourself pure for someone special view etc... Or, if you think its a fun thing to do when youre horny and if youre young and good looking and can attract plenty of interested partners - so long as you are safe, clean and respectful - whats the harm?

It wouldnt bother me. Some people have more opportunities in life. Id prefer to think a person enjoyed themselves when they could, any of us could be gone tomorrow.

sbsquarepants

I've been in your shoes before, only the girl was younger and her number was higher!. I'm a very open minded guy and i said it didn't bother me, but to be quite honest it sometimes did, i don't know if it was jealousy or insecurity or what but it did gnaw away at me at times. You can take it that it is also going to get in on you from time to time and that's for certain, but remember promiscuity doesn't always equate with cheating (It did in my gfs case case btw, but it doesn't have to, for example i was always quite promiscuous but never much of a cheater)
This is only one small part of what makes up your gfs personality and there are far worse things than having a girlfriend who loves sex! Take a while to think it over, you may be shocked right now but it's not that huge a deal in reality. For the average 30 year old who had no long term relationships it could equate to nothing more than a one night stand every 2 or 3 months - hardly a sex addict!!
And learn an important lesson from this - don't ask questions you don't want answered! Jealousy gets in on us all at times.

Lorna123

I would not like to hear that OP. It would make me think that she took sex lightly and would go to bed with anyone given the opportunity. For me sex is special so I would not like anyone to think that they could sleep with me just for sexual relief. It has to have meaning or it is nothing. I wonder was she searching for something, something that she didn't get from any of these encounters i.e. a relationship. Maybe now that she has found you that will put an end to her gallop. I can't tell you what to do because that is up to you. All I know is that it would make me feel uneasy. I suppose I would be thinking anytime we had sex "how many others did she do this with and how do I rate". It doesn't bear thinking about. None of us like to think we are one of many. That's how I would feel with her. You have to come to your own conclusion though. Of course she could always be thinking sex was a drag until she met you and now that she has feelings for you it is all different.

Dtp79

Lorna123 wrote: »

I would not like to hear that OP. It would make me think that she took sex lightly and would go to bed with anyone given the opportunity. For me sex is special so I would not like anyone to think that they could sleep with me just for sexual relief. It has to have meaning or it is nothing. I wonder was she searching for something, something that she didn't get from any of these encounters i.e. a relationship. Maybe now that she has found you that will put an end to her gallop. I can't tell you what to do because that is up to you. All I know is that it would make me feel uneasy. I suppose I would be thinking anytime we had sex "how many others did she do this with and how do I rate". It doesn't bear thinking about. None of us like to think we are one of many. That's how I would feel with her. You have to come to your own conclusion though. Of course she could always be thinking sex was a drag until she met you and now that she has feelings for you it is all different.

That's all well and good till she gets into a rut in her relationship and becomes bored

Czarcasm

OP her past is just that. Concentrate on the "right now", because (and it's understandable btw, people have all different levels of morality and what's cool with one might be off putting for another) your post comes off more like you're jealous of the fact that she had a healthy sex life, and you wonder why you didn't?

What I'm saying OP is that you need to leave your own past behind you too and put your energy into making your relationship fantastic with this girl, otherwise you risk becoming guy number 101 instead of the great guy your girlfriend is in love with.

Dtp79

Czarcasm wrote: »

OP her past is just that. Concentrate on the "right now", because (and it's understandable btw, people have all different levels of morality and what's cool with one might be off putting for another) your post comes off more like you're jealous of the fact that she had a healthy sex life, and you wonder why you didn't?

What I'm saying OP is that you need to leave your own past behind you too and put your energy into making your relationship fantastic with this girl, otherwise you risk becoming guy number 101 instead of the great guy your girlfriend is in love with.

Healthy sex life?? Lol

Czarcasm

Dtp79 wrote: »

Healthy sex life?? Lol

Dtp you missed this part of my post-

Czarcasm wrote: »

(and it's understandable btw, people have all different levels of morality and what's cool with one might be off putting for another)

And clearly this isn't a laughing matter for the OP.

Dtp79

Czarcasm wrote: »

Dtp you missed this part of my post-




And clearly this isn't a laughing matter for the OP.

Of course it's not a laughing matter. But anyone that racks up 100 notches on the bed post can hardly be described as healthy

username123

Dtp79 wrote: »

Of course it's not a laughing matter. But anyone that racks up 100 notches on the bed post can hardly be described as healthy

What? There are people who would see 100 as a low number. Just because YOU think its unhealthy is irrelevant.

December2012

Isn't it possible you've had just as much sex (or would have if the opportunity was presented) but just with less people?

For the sake of argument, lets say she started having sex at 17. That's 100 partners over 12 years. That's on average, 8 per year.

Some may be one night stands, one or two relationships and some after a few dates (ie, the third date guidelines some people have).

Nothing wrong or unhealthy with that if she was happy to do it.

You may have had the same amount of sexual encounters. You might not, point is that your sexual past is not her fault. Neither is hers to you. For all you know, she might be concerned that you had more relationships and longer connections than she had.

She likes you. She's with you, not them.

Make sure you're both safe and healthy and focus on your future instead of her past.

wallycharlo

username123 wrote: »

What? There are people who would see 100 as a low number...

True, though you would surely be talking about a very small percentile. Pros not included !

Dtp79

username123 wrote: »

What? There are people who would see 100 as a low number. Just because YOU think its unhealthy is irrelevant.

Ye that's true. Charlie sheen would think its low

Czarcasm

Dtp79 wrote: »

Of course it's not a laughing matter. But anyone that racks up 100 notches on the bed post can hardly be described as healthy

Again though Dtp it simply depends on your perspective and your morals, you would have a similar perspective and morals to the OP, and as the OP was at pains to point out, they hoped they wouldn't be judged harshly for it.

Then should their girlfriend not be entitled to the same respect not to be judged so harshly for her perspective?

The OP and his girlfriend simply have different perspectives is all, and the only people really who can decide whether this is a dealbreaker or not are the OP and his girlfriend.

In MY opinion, if everything else in the relationship is good, then all that matters is that right now his girlfriend is with the OP. If she was still sleeping with the 100 guys then that might be reason to raise an eyebrow alright, but as far as I can see there's only two of them in the relationship and the OP should focus on THAT, rather than who his girlfriend was with in her PAST.

username123

wallycharlo wrote: »

True, though you would surely be talking about a very small percentile. Pros not included !

Dtp79 wrote: »

Ye that's true. Charlie sheen would think its low

So what? Why is it relevant how many people or who would think it is low? The point it, everybody has different levels of acceptance for this kind of thing. There are people who would think more than 1 is too many and there are people who would think 1000 is ok and there is everything and anything beyond and in between. Attitudes to sex is a very very broad spectrum within the human animal.

If the girl herself was happy to have 100 partners and she was safe and respectful, then who is anyone to pass judgement on it? I dont see any issue with it.

Dtp79

username123 wrote: »

So what? Why is it relevant how many people or who would think it is low? The point it, everybody has different levels of acceptance for this kind of thing. There are people who would think more than 1 is too many and there are people who would think 1000 is ok and there is everything and anything beyond and in between. Attitudes to sex is a very very broad spectrum within the human animal.

If the girl herself was happy to have 100 partners and she was safe and respectful, then who is anyone to pass judgement on it? I dont see any issue with it.

I think it's safe to say 100 is WELL above the national average!

PrincessPreach

Dtp79 wrote: »

Healthy sex life?? Lol

How is it unhealthy to have had alot of partners? Unless she was having unprotected sex, I fail to see how it's unhealthy. If you were to ask her no doubt she had a great time!

username123

Dtp79 wrote: »

I think it's safe to say 100 is WELL above the national average!

So what? I dont understand the point you are trying to make. She has had a lot of partners. Whats the issue?

Dtp79

username123 wrote: »

So what? I dont understand the point you are trying to make. She has had a lot of partners. Whats the issue?

There's no issue at all. I personally wouldn't go near her but that's my opinion and I'm entitled to it just like you are yours

wallycharlo

username123 wrote: »

So what?

No issues myself from any standpoint of morality etc, I just can't see people saying that 100 is a low number, as you alluded to in your post.

PrincessPreach

username123 wrote: »

So what? I dont understand the point you are trying to make. She has had a lot of partners. Whats the issue?

Exactly...what's really going on here? Who gives a f*ck how many people someone has slept with?!

I know it's not nice picturing your partner with someone else but tough sh*t, that's life. Most people have a past and it's made them who they are today. It doesn't have any bearing on fidelity.

Whether your partner had sex to rival Hugh Hefner or grew up in a monastery is irrelevant. The fact is you've chosen to be with them so either accept their past and get over yourself or leave them to find someone else who will.

fungun

id prefer a girl who had 100 partners to a girl who had none - shows an interest in sex
id prefer a girl who had 100 partners but was always faithful in a relationship to a girl who had 10 but was unfaithful

I can understand you not feeling 100% on this, but when you were single, would you have slept with a woman every month or two if it was easily available to you? Maybe so. Im assuming there is no specific problem here....just the number bothers you

If so, then the only reason for it to cause an issue is if it (a) demonstrates a morality difference that may be a relationship issue for you or (b) you let it bother you

beano345

op any girl ive ever dated has slept with at least 3 times the amount of people i ever had,its just the way it is,just learn to get over it or it will keep niggling at you and may ultimately destroy your relationship!

username123

wallycharlo wrote: »

No issues myself from any standpoint of morality etc, I just can't see people saying that 100 is a low number, as you alluded to in your post.

Of course there are people who will see it as low. And there are people who will see it as high. There are people who have had thousands of partners. And there are people who are totally celibate.

wallycharlo

username123 wrote: »

..There are people who have had thousands of partners....

Thousands?

Just to stress again, I've no objection to the morality of someone having a larger number of partners, but the numbers you are quoting are rather questionable?

Assuming of course that when you say ''There are people who have had thousands of partners'' would not be cut from the same cloth as ''There are people who have walked on the moon'' :-)

Ickle Magoo

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CaraMay

Yeah I suppose I wouldn't like it as it would lead me to.think she is more into quantity than quality.

It doesn't mean necessarily that she will cheat but it would sit in the back of ny mind that she might bore easily.

There is also the question to be asked about her self esteem. Did she sleep with all those people to be liked or was she in control and doing it to satisfy her own wants.

judgefudge

You sound like you're trying not to judge her. I would also be startled to think somebody I was seeing had slept with that many people.

I mean people can say she was just having a healthy sex life, but that is A LOT of partners by most people's standards.

What you have to do is decide whether it's a Dealbreaker for you or not. I can understand the insecurity and discomfort that must come with knowing that about your partner. But if you can't let it go it'll eat you up,

P. Breathnach

judgefudge wrote: »

... But if you can't let it go it'll eat you up,

That's the nub of it.

The fact that you have come here to discuss your concern suggests to me that there is a danger that you might not be able to let it go.

jimd2

P. Breathnach wrote: »

That's the nub of it.

The fact that you have come here to discuss your concern suggests to me that there is a danger that you might not be able to let it go.

I would agree with this statement.

Op, you say you are on the other side of the world. I assume that this is a girl that you met over there and not someone that you travelled over with.

Maybe in some countries this is not an excessive number but in my opinion it IS excessive. I also understand the maths and the average per month is not massive. However, my memory of the dating scene is that it is often a feast or a famine situation and no one I would have known would have been racking up those sort of numbers. I do know of a friend of a friend who racked up serious numbers to the stage that he was being classed as a sex addict, he was an athletic guy studying medicine and meeting women in college, hospitals and parties.

If she had upwards on 100 different guys then, unless she had a seriously broad social / study/ social life or lived in a very populated metropolis, she could well have been classed as the local bike. I may get taken to task for this but we all know (or have known them). These are the girls that the guys chat about, decide whether you are interested in pursuing her and even discuss the best strategy (from experience) of shifting her. These were the girls that noone, not even the hardest up guy, was interested in a relationship with.

This may not be your girl and it could be that she likes recreational sex and is now fully committed to a monogamous relationship and it could very well be so. I just wonder about a girl that has had such variety, would that make her more or less likely to be faithful (I can see it both ways).

Best of luck, you seem like a good guy. If it was me I would want to know more about the guys and how she hooked up with most of them on the one side but trying to get it out of my mind on the other.

Czarcasm

Jesus this girl's ears must be on fire at this stage with the amount of crazy assumptions and biased assertions going on in this thread.

"Numbers" are just that OP- numbers. They mean nothing in a relationship and I don't think your issue is with your girlfriends PSH, but rather your own, as if you're bitter about the fact that you feel like you should have had an "equal" PSH "number" to her.

If that's the most relevant to you OP about this girl, then you don't have much of a relationship tbh. On this occasion, to coin a phrase- A bird in the hand is indeed worth more than 100 in the bush!

username123

jimd2 wrote: »

If she had upwards on 100 different guys then, unless she had a seriously broad social / study/ social life or lived in a very populated metropolis, she could well have been classed as the local bike. I may get taken to task for this but we all know (or have known them). These are the girls that the guys chat about, decide whether you are interested in pursuing her and even discuss the best strategy (from experience) of shifting her. These were the girls that noone, not even the hardest up guy, was interested in a relationship with.

Yes, she may have been unlucky enough to sleep with a lot of these kinds of fools and that would easily explain why she didnt want a relationship with any of them.

Amazing double standards on this thread. All right for guys to try and sleep with girls and even discuss strategy, but a girl who enjoys plenty of sex is viewed as a bike.

jimd2 wrote: »

I do know of a friend of a friend who racked up serious numbers to the stage that he was being classed as a sex addict, he was an athletic guy studying medicine and meeting women in college, hospitals and parties.

jimd2 wrote: »

If she had upwards on 100 different guys then, unless she had a seriously broad social / study/ social life or lived in a very populated metropolis, she could well have been classed as the local bike.

A man who likes a lot of sex is classed as an (athletic and intelligent) sex addict. A woman who likes a lot of sex is classed as a bike. Nice.

Seriously - women like sex too. Get over it.

jimd2

username123 wrote: »

Yes, she may have been unlucky enough to sleep with a lot of these kinds of fools and that would easily explain why she didnt want a relationship with any of them.

Amazing double standards on this thread. All right for guys to try and sleep with girls and even discuss strategy, but a girl who enjoys plenty of sex is viewed as a bike.

Seriously - women like sex too. Get over it.

Fair enough, that is your opinion. However, in my experience, girls that sleep around to this extent in many cases do not get many guys interested in them for LTR's. that's life, I am not defending it. There are exceptions to every rule and let's hope the OPs girlfriend is one of those exceptions.

Myself, I am not being hyocritical as I generally stayed away from the college/town bike. I generally pursued women that I had some intention of dating and there are some that once they had ons with more than 3 or 4 mates then I would lose interest. Ironically, the guys that had ons with some of these girls weren't interested in dating them either - even a few years later when they started to settle down. Might be hypocritical of them but c 'est la vie.

username123

jimd2 wrote: »

However, in my experience, girls that sleep around to this extent in many cases do not get many guys interested in them for LTR's. that's life,

Im pretty sure anyone, male or female, who had enjoyed a healthy sex life would not be interested in a relationship with people who are as narrow minded as you describe. Or those who apply double standards. Certainly, I found men with that kind of prudish attitude a turn off myself when I was on the dating scene. Nothing worse for a relationship than someone who thinks there is something wrong with having sex - in my opinion.

judgefudge

I don't even think gender comes into it.

I'd be a bit shocked if a guy I was seeing had slept with 100 people. 50 I can see being grand. But 100?

That's a lot of people. No matter what you say.

This is less about whether the girl was wrong or right about how many people she slept with. The issue is whether the OP can cope with it. Some people find that kind of information to be impossible to get over. You wouldn't be wrong to feel that way OP but you need to be honest with yourself and her about it. It'll save you both some time.

I wish, for your sake, she hadn't told you. Talking about sexual history is all well and good but sometimes it causes insecurities.

jimd2

username123 wrote: »

Im pretty sure anyone, male or female, who had enjoyed a healthy sex life would not be interested in a relationship with people who are as narrow minded as you describe. Or those who apply double standards. Certainly, I found men with that kind of prudish attitude a turn off myself when I was on the dating scene. Nothing worse for a relationship than someone who thinks there is something wrong with having sex - in my opinion.

The guys didn't come across as having a prudish attitude. Regarding myself, there was never any attitude or arrogance there and I certainly didn't come over as prudish. However, I did have my standards and I am glad I did.

jimd2

One point I would make in defence of the girl. Just because she slept with so many men does not mean that she is more likely to cheat on the OP.

If she has decided that he OP is the guy for her and makes this obvious then it is pretty likely that she will stay faithful to him. A bit of "been there done that and this guy beats them all" sort of attitude.

username123

jimd2 wrote: »

The guys didn't come across as having a prudish attitude.

What guys? The ones who wanted tips on how to sleep with the bike?

Lorna123

There is no double standard here as far as I am concerned. I would not like to date a guy who had slept with one hundred women.

Czarcasm

judgefudge wrote: »

I don't even think gender comes into it.

It comes into it though jf for some people, perhaps not you or I, but to some people, that double standard does exist.

I'd be a bit shocked if a guy I was seeing had slept with 100 people. 50 I can see being grand. But 100?

That's a lot of people. No matter what you say.

If I said there are SEVEN BILLION people in the world, does 100 people sound like a lot of people now? At an incredibly rough estimate, you could indeed have a different sexual partner from your 17th birthday to your 70th birthday! I wouldn't personally recommend it as you'd never have the energy to get anything else done, but it IS possible!

This is less about whether the girl was wrong or right about how many people she slept with. The issue is whether the OP can cope with it. Some people find that kind of information to be impossible to get over. You wouldn't be wrong to feel that way OP but you need to be honest with yourself and her about it. It'll save you both some time.

Completely agree with the above.

I wish, for your sake, she hadn't told you. Talking about sexual history is all well and good but sometimes it causes insecurities.

I've got to be honest here and say I feel bad for the girl in this situation having thought she could be honest with the OP and then he turns around and disregards all her other qualities based on her past. She's with YOU now OP, that's more important than who she WAS with. As has been pointed out many times in this thread already- you need to either let this go, or let this girl go and be with somebody who won't judge her based on, well, it's not as if she's killed anyone. She had sex, as most adults tend to do when they're adults, not teenagers still focussing on their "number" nonsense.

fungun

123 - i normally find your advice sound but you just have to let this go here. The comment was around '100 is a lot of partners'. Its a fair comment.

You clearly would have no problem with this (neither would i). But its fair comment and open discussion that some people would find this an issue. No one is saying its right or wrong. There are some feelings that are hard to get over, no matter what is 'right' - and this is what the OP needs to deal with.

Lorna123

CarnagieHawl wrote: »

It came out in drunken conversation recently that my girlfriend of about a year or so has slept with near to 100 guys.

Maybe she was drunk and didn't know what she was saying. Did you discuss this with her when she was sober OP?

username123

fungun wrote: »

123 - i normally find your advice sound but you just have to let this go here. The comment was around '100 is a lot of partners'. Its a fair comment.

Are you a moderator? Am I not as entitled to my opinion as anyone here?

I dont believe it is a fair comment. It may seem like a lot to some people, it may not to others. There is no objective figure that is "a lot". Different people have different levels of acceptance.

What I do object to is people throwing around terms like bike with reference to a woman who has had a lot of sex, or this sort of "well I wouldnt go near someone like that" attitude - while at the same time implying that its fine for guys to discuss strategy to have sex with the girl.

Plenty of people are ARE implying it is somehow wrong.

judgefudge

I don't know what the relevance of there being seven billion people in the world is?

Doesn't change the fact that 100 people is a lot. Imagine them all in a room. It's just a lot. Like I said some people would be fine with that, others would not, and it would play on their mind. I imagine that's what's currently going through the OPs mind. Question is whether he can forget about it.

username123

judgefudge wrote: »

Doesn't change the fact that 100 people is a lot. Imagine them all in a room. It's just a lot.

A lot compared to what? I dont think 100 people is a lot of people.

YOU might think its a lot. But others wouldnt.