Talking about feelings/problems

Dr. Nooooo!

This is a problem I seem to have and it has effected some relationships. Ruined them I suppose.

I'm a great listener to other peoples problems or feelings but I don't like to talk about my own and tbh I don't really think I need to.

For example in my last relationship when we talked about personal things I definitely got the impression that she wanted me to reciprocate and talk about my own problems, things that happened me in the past etc, but to be honest I live a simple enough life and don't really seem to have any of these things so I don't really know what to say except to sympathize, reassure etc. She was talking about arguments she had with her family, breakups, fall outs with friends etc I've had these things too of course but they are all trivial and water under the bridge at this stage and outside of the bare facts that they happened I didn't really have anything else to say. And to be honest I wouldn't have wanted to dump it on her anyway especially in contrast to the things she was talking about, it would have looked like I was twisting the conversation to talk about some stupid thing that was going on for me, in contrast to her more serious things.

Like I'd ask her how her day was and she'd tell me a load of stuff, met x and y, x is a so and so, having problems with this person, then she might tell me about whats going on between her friend and her boyfriend or whatever. Then she'd ask me and I'd be like "Nothing much, went to college", if something unusual or funny happened I'd say that. Not much else to say really, if someone told me something personal or I overheard something I wouldn't say it to anyone else, thats someones private business. This sounds like I'm very boring but I'm not, I'm quite witty and funny and a good conversationalist, I mean its not as if there were awkward or prolonged silences. I guess its just that I don't seem to have meaningful things to say about myself, I'll talk all day about any topic under the sun except myself it seems.

Thinking about it now, while lots of friends have come to talk to me about problems or whatever I don't think I've ever talked to any of them about personal problems. My ex was asking me who my best friend was, and I said I dunno who, I've a lot of good friends, and she said that your best friend is the person you talk to about person things etc, and I was like "Well I dont talk about that stuff with any of them". I know I COULD, no problem, if something major was going on and I needed to talk to someone, but that has never really happened, I'm just a private person I guess.

My dad got cancer, thats probably the biggest thing thats happened in recent times, and I didn't tell anyone, I didn't see the need really, if I did people would have made a big deal about it and tbh I didn't want that.

I'm outgoing enough in terms of talking, joking etc but I really don't like talking about my feelings, especially romantic ones. To put it bluntly, while there have been other relationships the last one was the only one I really cared about and was gutted when it ended. I'm early 20s btw. Looking at my friends it seems they are only going out with someone a few weeks and they are going on about how much they love each other. Call me skeptical but I dunno if thats genuine in many cases given the short time frame and how things subsequently turned out. I never said that to my ex, nor she to me, but I got the impression she did. Did I love her? Yes I think I did but I dunno, it's the most I've felt for someone but maybe someone else will come along and it'll blow those feelings out of the water? Been taking my time getting to this but here's the real problem, I found it extremely hard to tell her how I felt about her, I wanted to tell her she was the most important person in the world to me and all that, but any time I went to say something beyond compliments like how I thought she was great, beautiful etc I got the most overwhelming urge to cry. I've no idea why. So in the end I didnt and I settled for assuming that it could be left unsaid and she'd know. Didn't work out too well.

Anyways things went down the tubes drifted apart (well she did) etc and she ended it. I was very upset for a long time

Jesus reading over that looks pretty bad, I guess she thought I wouldn't confide in her, didn't trust and didn't really care about her.

To be honest I never thought I had a problem but obviously seen as it wrecked that relationship I do. I mean I've always been happy enough and its not as if I'm bottling things up and its having a bad effect on my mental state and getting me depressed. I'm just private and independent it seems.

Anyways this has been a bit rambling but I'd appreciate any thoughts/advice. Is there something wrong with me?

LegacyUser

No, there's nothing wrong with you. Perhaps you don't verbalise your emotions because by doing so it may make you more vulnerable? Some people find it easier to speak with friends/family about everything & anything & others are more private. More guarded I guess. I think I'm kind of similar to be honest.

It's difficult to wear your heart on your sleeve for some people. Fear of many things....rejection/ridicule being two.

There's no harm in being a private person, but, my advice would be to not let fear of peoples reactions hold you back from speaking emotionally to someone you care about. So what if you shed a tear or two - that's okay.

Best of luck!

desbrook

I have to agree - theres nothing in the world wrong with you . It sounds like there was a lot more wrong with your ex ! She sounded like a barrell of laughs - not !

As you have identified there are large variantions in how much people like to talk to others about their issues . Personally I think there is an over emphasis on telling everyone everything . Honesty is fine and living a lie is never a good idea but some people burden others with stuff that they shouldn't have to deal with . It may well be a better idea to mull over the problem yourself before discussing it for two hours with a housemate who just wants to watch "Home and Away " in peace .

As regards future relationships I'm a firm beliver in you or anyone having a right to choose someone who suits you as well as you them . If being a amateur shrink every night is a dealbreaker for you fine - it's not a crime to feel that way . Just spot the warning signs and avoid .

Dr. Nooooo!

Many thanks for the replies they're very helpful.

After we broke up I heard through a mutual friend that part of the reason was that she thought I wouldn't open up to her, wouldn't confide in her and was Distant. Funny you say shrink cause apparently she felt she was talking to one rather than talking to a bf, what the distinction is I have no idea I thought I was being helpful with listening and advice. And I was happy to.

Another friend said to me that breaking up wasn't too bad for me cause I didn't seem too keen on her, when that's not the case. Looking back I can see why he thought that, I'm not big on public displays of affection and as I said I wasn't going around saying I love her every two seconds when I wasn't sure I did or putting soppy statuses up on Facebook. I think maybe she expected that because that's how her friends relationships were. I dunno but a lot of that seems very fake. But I was always there for her, always did nice, thoughtful things, no drama, and I would plan nice things for us to do, dont drink, have a good education and bright future, I thought I was a good bf and my actions spoke for themselves. Things were also v good in the bedroom dept.



Maybe that's just being young and what women expect or want from a relationship changes. Or maybe it was just her, or me.

My head is just wrecked over the whole thing I keep questioning why I've never seemed to be like my friends are/were with their girlfriends - I always thought a lot of that was fake, superficial or for show but now I'm not too sure, maybe I'm just cold.

Or then again maybe you're right and this woman just wasn't for me and there's someone compatible out there who will "get" me.

I reckon I'm too serious.

Should I just keep on the way I am or is there an argument to be made that I should try to change how I behave with someone I'm in a relationship with?

Honey-ec

Tbh, I think there is an issue at play here. Not wanting to talk about non-existent personal issues/having no interest in being an emotional whore is one thing, I'm like that myself.

However, the OP has admitted that he has severe difficulty in opening up at all, and that is indicative of a bigger issue. He has said that he actually did want to tell his ex how he felt about her, but was physically unable, to the point of almost crying any time he tried. That's not normal behaviour.

OP, only you can really decide whether or not your reservedness is causing a problem for you. But the fact of the matter is that your inability to emote has already cost you one relationship, and chances are that it will do so again unless you address it. The fact that you never spoke at all about your father's cancer also speaks volumes to me. Fair enough, you didn't want to "make a big deal" out of it (my own brother had cancer a few years ago and very few of my friends know), but did you speak to anyone in your family about it?

As I said, there's a huge difference between not wanting or needing to talk about yourself constantly and not being able to express emotion at all.

desbrook

We all have room for improvment, no-one is perfect . The question is really is - "at what point does necessary improvemnt become unsustainable personality change ?" Very hard to answer ! Time does play a part though -we often grow into quite different people just slowly .

It doesn't seem overall though as if you have a problem finding girls who are attracted to you - at least initially . Maybe the trick is to find someone who you remain attracted to and vice versa . Again that's part of maturing - knowing who you are and what works for you .

Dr. Nooooo!

Well I talked a lot with my dad about his illness but that was more for his benifit than mine. He has prostate cancer and when I found out I did a lot of research on it so I was able to encourage and reassure him about it, my attitude was that this is just the way things are, we caught it early, this is the treatment you've a fantastic chance so lets get on with things and we will be here to help. In contrast my brother and mum were complete wrecks for ages about it. I mean obviously I love and care about my dad but I wasn't in floods of tears. He's finished his radiation and all that now and doing really well, he told me the other day that he wouldn't have been able to do it all without me.

I didn't tell anyone because I didn't feel the need to. I didn't want people on eggshells. My dad didn't tell anyone either outside the immediate family for the same reason.
Sure if I did talk about it what good would it have done? Would be awkward for my friends or gf at the time and I didn't need or want sympathy.

But yes I agree that there is a problem with expressing romantic feelings.
I'm not a robot who goes around displaying no emotion. When it's a private or personal thing like feelings for someone I find it impossible.

I rarely cry but I'll never forget when I tried to tell her how I felt, we were in bed one night and I suddenly got the urge to tell her, I spent ages trying to will myself to say it and when I was about to I just felt so overwhelmed. She had fallen asleep in the meantime though so she didn't notice lol. Which was lucky cause I'd say she would have been weirded out

How could I go about changing this? I was thinking in future that I could just write this stuff down in a letter or something. But is that something which seems nice in films but is stupid in real life?

Tigger99

I'm not a big one for FB or public declarations. I dont think they are needed. Like you the person I'm going out with is good with thoughtful gestures but not overly dramatic ones.

Thats grand, we are both on the same page. When I started reading your post I thought maybe you just need someone on the same wavelength as you, then you mentioned that you were afraid she'd be weirded out if you told her how you felt when in fact you are in a relationship together and were indeed in bed together and that'd not healthy to feel like that.

Of course it's scary to tell someone how you feel about them but if you dont you risk losing another great person and tbh your fear seems v extreme. Would you consider counselling to talk it through with someone?

Tigger99

P.s it's most definitely not just nice in movies, telling someone how you feel and having them say the same is an incredible feeling.

LegacyUser

OP - you strike me as an analytical person. Perhaps it might be of some benefit to speak to either a good confidante/professional re: your reluctance to confide at an emotional level to your good friends/your gf at the time.

In reading your initial post, it's strikes me that you'd like to speak emotionally to good friends/people close to you, but, you are holding back. I guess I understand in a way why you do hold back, but, in the long term if it's hurting you - that's not good.

Perhaps I'm over thinking this, but, if keeping your emotions bottled up is making you unhappy &/or causing you to lose people who you genuinely would like to hold onto/be close to, maybe, it's time to try & change.......for you & not anyone else.

It can be scary to express yourself emotionally, but, liberating too.

Don't be afraid to honestly express how you feel...both to yourself & others. Life is way too short. Cliched line, but, so true!

Take care.

CaraMay

Well it is a bit strange that you wouldn't tell your gf that you dad has cancer.

Dr. Nooooo!

I suppose it is, I just didn't want to put a downer on things especially when its something she could do nothing about considering I didn't want/need a pat on the shoulder etc about it. What's the point in wallowing in it?

Although I suppose if I'm in a relationship that's the type of thing the other person has a right to know and not telling them (if they subsequently find out) would made them feel insecure or doubt the relationship.

I also should mention that I had a serious health scare myself too a while back (turns out it was nothing in the end after tests) and I didn't tell her at the time but only afterwards when she was telling me about a relation of hers who was getting similar tests and I said something like "well it turned out grand for me so hopefully it will be the same, tests are just that, tests, nothing to worry about yet". That didn't go down too well, she got very annoyed and upset but again I didn't see the point in telling her and upsetting her when I didnt know anything concrete, plus I didn't want to dwell on it

Reading over that it sounds a bit selfish I guess.

I think I'll try to talk about these things because as EVA_MD puts it its costing me relationships - thats what has me down, mentally in and of myself I'm happy enough.

The thing is I don't just want to be dumping this stuff on people just for the sake of it

LegacyUser

To be honest, you sound a lot like I was a couple of years back. (I'm female)

Big health drama in the family, no sooner was that over than another person found an inoperable tumour, that person was dead 6 months later whilst first person still very unwell throughout.

And I was very much "keep calm and carry on". Loads of reassurance and comfort to everyone else. Always deflected when they enquired how I was - always brushed it off cheerily.

Then one day I banged myself doing a DIY job and to my horror I burst into hysterics and didn't stop for about half an hour. A family member was present and I was MORTIFIED.

The wierd thing is at the time I didn't even know what I was wailing about. The stupid bruise? Honestly, I hadn't cried like that since i was about 7, it was that sort of thing where you feel like the crying has possessed you and you're just riding a rollercoaster.

So the family member got this real serious look on their face and to my horror I realised that they were now looking at me not like The Person Who Is Grand, but like The Person Who Is Not Grand At All.

And they said "listen, I know how you deal with everything, but this is not a normal reaction to a bang - this is the reaction of someone who is brushing everything under their carpet" They made me go to the college counsellor and tbh, I was so freaked out by my little episode (and TERRIFIED it would happen again - what is it happened around my friends?? The thought horrified me) that I agreed.

When I saw the counsellor and basically explained that look, I just don't see the point in making a fuss or burdening people with problems that clearly can't be changed by sharing, and went on to explain whats been happening in my family etc, I was startled by her starting to frown too. And basically she totally agreed with my family member. That it was "bottling". So that gave me a bit of a land.

So I kept going for a while, and on my third session I actually did start to get upset, and I talked about how *I* felt (as opposed to how others felt) for the first time. And I was shocked at how upset I was, underneath it all. I'd just never wanted to think about that before.

Now I try REALLY hard to recognise when I'm actually upset (not easy), and express it to someone. Its very conscious, and I have to make myself, and I don't love it....BUT I do feel I'm living a bit more authentic now.

Anyway, hope that helps.

car.kar

You sound a bit like myself to be honest OP. My ex boyfriend had a problem with the fact that I didn't talk about my feelings and stuff as much as he did, and although we broke up for a different reason, I believe that was definitely a contributing factor.

I don't think there's anything at all wrong with you that you listen more than speak, because I tend to do the same. I don't talk about everything that happened to me each day, and I don't feel the need to, whereas my ex would talk about everything under the sun and just didn't understand why I didn't aswell. I have no problem with there being silence some time.

But the fact that you struggled to tell your ex how you really felt about her is more of an issue. I find that writing things down is a good start, and after you've become comfortable talking about things through writing, you'll start to find it easier to actually talk about them out loud.

I have to say, not telling your gf that your Dad had cancer is odd... that is the kind of thing you should talk about, and I'd feel hurt if my boyfriend didn't share something like that with me, and that he didn't trust me. I understand that you didn't mean it in a bad way by not telling her, but just giving you some perspective from her point of view.

You need to find a balance. Not talking about every detail of your day is perfectly fine, if you find someone who also feels that it's perfectly fine - it's just a personality match. But you could probably work on expressing actual feelings a bit more when it's necessary, because you might think that she'll just "get it", but more often than not she probably won't I'm afraid