Some Help? Please? Gambling addiction

Ali-Baba

Hi all, long time......eh, reader (?) first time poster (sort of). Anyway, at the risk of being painfully cliché I need some help regarding my boyfriend. We've been together for over 5 years and we're happy but he's had ( in my useless opinion anyway) a gambling addiction since his early adulthood. At first I didn't realise how serious this problem was and so I leant him money, made excuses for him etc etc. A few years ago it got really pretty bad, he missed work, gambled other people's money, my money, he stole money and although working full time and well paid he, and by proxy us, we're drowning in debt. Recently we both lost our jobs but got very good redundancy payments, but now he's gambled away all his redundancy, again I'm paying all the rent and bills etc and he's still at it. I guess what I'm asking is, has anyone been through this and if so, is leaving my only option? I don't want to but he won't get professional help and I don't know what to do. Any advice would be really, really appreciated. Oh and, sorry about the whining adolescent rant, my bad 😣

Chucky the tree

Well if he won't get help he won't stop. So I think you'll have to either leave him or accept his gambling. Option one is clearly the obvious choice.

tinkerbell

OP, try here for some info:
http://www.gamblersanonymous.ie/

But he has to want to get help. If he won't get help, then you'll have to consider walking away.

LegacyUser

I would tell him at this stage that things are over between you due to his gambling.
After he gambled his redundancy money it has shown you that gambling is all he cares about.
When he got his redundancy he should have used some of this to pay off his debts and some to keep him going until he got another job. I know people who got redundancy and they used this money to pay off debit, set up a new business or to have cash to keep them going until they got another job.

Instead of doing this he gambled the money away and expect you to keep paying the rent, bills and the debit he has ran up in the past few years.

You can't keep supporting him when he is gambling away any money he has.
As long as your there you will keep paying the rent and bills and he will keep gambling.

It is one thing if he wants to mess up his own life by gambling but at this stage he is doing the same to your life. In the next few years you will end up with nothing if you stay with him.

2Mad2BeMad

if he wants to stop
then he needs to get help

i myself had a gambling addiction
id blow all my wages every weekend and im only young....
its probably one of the worst addictions i think, and i smoke....

says it all really
its the most expensive addiction anyway since you'd spend every penny you have on gambling to "win" money

i recently stopped gambling , havnt done a bet in 2 months, and i havnt had help doing it, just decided to stop,

theirs not a day that goes by since then that i havnt wanted to do a bet, id love to do one right now, even virtual roulette to be honest, but seeing actually money in my wallet at the end of the week is putting me in a better mood

i lost 5 grand last year on gambling just before christmas ( took out a big loan ) felt like killing myself , never felt so depressed in me life

he has to want to stop though, it will be hard

ask him (if he wants to stop) to ban himself from his bookies , your allowed go into a bookies and fill out a form, and they will never let you bet their again

you can also do the same with online bookies, you can ban yourself from the sites , if you ask customer care team

if he doesnt want to stop, well sadly theirs nothing you can do, people were trying to get me to quit but i told them its a hobby

an expensive hobby it was

some people tell me its like smoking, if you go back a year or even 10 years later after quitting and have 1 , youll be hooked again

but then again i havnt tryed to give up smoking :P ITS A HOBBIE :L haha

mr.correct

2Mad2BeMad wrote: »

if he wants to stop
then he needs to get help

i myself had a gambling addiction
id blow all my wages every weekend and im only young....
its probably one of the worst addictions i think, and i smoke....

says it all really
its the most expensive addiction anyway since you'd spend every penny you have on gambling to "win" money

i recently stopped gambling , havnt done a bet in 2 months, and i havnt had help doing it, just decided to stop,

theirs not a day that goes by since then that i havnt wanted to do a bet, id love to do one right now, even virtual roulette to be honest, but seeing actually money in my wallet at the end of the week is putting me in a better mood

i lost 5 grand last year on gambling just before christmas ( took out a big loan ) felt like killing myself , never felt so depressed in me life

he has to want to stop though, it will be hard

ask him (if he wants to stop) to ban himself from his bookies , your allowed go into a bookies and fill out a form, and they will never let you bet their again

you can also do the same with online bookies, you can ban yourself from the sites , if you ask customer care team

if he doesnt want to stop, well sadly theirs nothing you can do, people were trying to get me to quit but i told them its a hobby

an expensive hobby it was

some people tell me its like smoking, if you go back a year or even 10 years later after quitting and have 1 , youll be hooked again

but then again i havnt tryed to give up smoking :P ITS A HOBBIE :L haha

Well done lad keep the head up and continue what your doing

Big Bag of Chips

OP, look up GamAnon. It's a support service for family and friends of gamblers.

You cannot do anything about him. My friend is married to a gambler. She finds the GamAnon meetings invaluable. She has a better understanding of how he thinks and what he thinks.

She accepts that any change has to come from him. He goes to Gamblers Anonymous meetings, and has stopped gambling. But the financial damage is already done.

Contessa Raven

OP, I'm saying this as someone who works in a bookies, if he refuses to get help then he won't stop.
You're with him 5 years. What happens when you want to get a mortgage? Or a loan? What if he starts taking out loans to fund his addiction? Loans that you know nothing about.
2Mad2BeMad is correct in saying that you can get yourself excluded from bookies. The forms apply nationwide in most cases so it doesn't matter what part of the country you're in, that particular chain of bookies won't serve you. They also have contact details for GamCare and GamAnon.

What does he say when you talk to him about it? Does he recognise he has a problem?

If you've both talked about it and he point blank refuses to address it, then you need to look out for number one and get out of dodge.

P.S 2Mad2BeMad, fair play on your progress. It isn't easy.

desbrook

I cannot advise you to leave this man strongly enough . If you want to help him leave him . He need a wake up call and your exit may be just it . Staying with him and supporting his addiction with money/acceptance ( he see's the relationship as acceptance ) is bound to delay his recovery .

That's him but what about you or any future children you may have ? Do you really want to subject innocent children to the horrendous home-life that addiction causes ? You have choices - they won't .

If you want a miserable life go ahead, be with him but please don't say you weren't warned .

blueyes12

Hi Op
I can really empathise with you regarding this dilemma. I was in a similar situation a few years back
This type of addiction is horrendous as it becomes quite insidious and the lies are awful. This has the potential to destroy your relationship and you in this relationship, for many reasons If your partner will not seek help now he most probably never will, unless of course he hits rock bottom looses you, his home, family, job etc
Everything really

I also fully know and understand how hard it is to turn your back on someone you care for.
Seriously you really have to think hard and fast on your feet now as to what you want to do.
It took me a couple of years to do it but when my ex became violent, which also in not uncommon for someone batteling an addiction,to verbally/ physically attack those closest!

Get out and don't look back

Ali-Baba

Wow! Thank you all so much for your replies and encouragement. 2mad2bemad, your openness and honesty is really appreciated.Everyone seems to be of similar opinion and I know you're right.

He does accept he has a problem but verbally only, he says all the right things when he's low and needing tlc, but it never lasts. His latest idea was to attempt to earn a living from playing roulette????? I mean, what????

But anyway, thanks again. I have to have the conversation. Rather than just bolt in the night I'm going to lay it on the table. He either commits to professional help and gets recovery underway (i.e. he starts tonight) or that's it, I'm out.

Jesus, I'm bricking it.

Thanks again everyone, you really don't know how much you've all helped me x

Big Bag of Chips

He's not the only one that needs help. Help is also available for you. You really should find the details for your local GamAnon. They will be of even more help and support to you than posters here.

Don't feel like you shouldn't go, or don't need it etc. My friend finds the meetings a lifeline, and goes weekly.... And her husband hasn't gambled in 2 years. But she still likes to go, now instead of looking for help, she's in a position to offer help.

What harm can going to one meeting do?

Ali-Baba

Yep, was thinking about it. Looks like there are regular meetings not too far from me so I think I'll go to the next one. Haven't got much more to loose I guess

Koptain Liverpool

If he won't admit he has a problem then you have no choice but to leave him. If he will admit that he has a problem then there are positive steps he can take. Like others have said
- get himself excluded from the bookie shops in the area
- do the same for online accounts and get rid of his laser card for now
- cancel memberships in all casinos in the area

Although these are not permanent solutions they could be the first step towards tackling the problem.

sept09baby

If he is just saying things to placate you things will never change. Gambling is an awful addiction and it's a hard thing to overcome.

But if he does know he has a problem and is too scared or confused about where to start there are things you can practically do to help him.

There are check-lists that can help him see things in black and white. GamAnon and GA can help. Gamcare (UK based) has an online forum and there's an Irish helpline for gambleaware.ie if he's not ready to go in person.

Help him get prepared to self exclude from local bookies and casinos - write up a form with his information, request for exclusion and put his picture on it. Get him to hand it in EVERYWHERE, even ones he wouldn't usually use so. Get him to email all online gambling companies with the request and include any names, addresses, phone numbers and email addresses he might use. He has to request the exclusion himself but you can help and support him. If you need any help or info just send me a pm.

If he's not ready to give up only you know what the future for you both will be. It's easy for outsiders to say walk away but it's a decision only you can make. If he's not willing to help himself, you can't do it for him and have to think about what's best for you

Theoffalyman

Hi,
I read your post with interest.

I too am a compulsive Gambler and unfortunatley all the traits you mention were the same as what I did.

Thankfully I havent had a bet in just about 2 years and while life is difficult it would be so much worse if I was gambling.

I go to GA meetings and without the rooms I would be in a very worse position. I'm proud to say that the people I've met in the rooms are my friends. They are the only ones that understand the addiction.

I can talk to my friends and family members about Gambling now but they dont get it.

I'm always happy to help anyone who has suffered the same affliction as I did - Gambling is an illness and again there are no drugs out there to help. Your partner has to decide to stop himself and the only thing I will say is that it is very hard to stop by yourself - I tried and it didnt work.

If you want to PM me at any time - feel free to do so.
T

discus

Gamblers rarely change. I know a family where the kids didn't get presents at christmas because he gambled the christmas bonus. In my family, someone lost their house. You need to get a grip, stop spending your money on both of you, unless there's a threat that you'll cut him off or dump him, he'll keep going.

Big Bag of Chips

Theoffalyman, as per the Charter...

"It is not the done thing on the PI or RI forums to ask an OP to pm/msn/skype/email you. This is done for two reasons:

To protect those from trolls and other possible unsavory people posting on the internet when they may be in a vulnerable state. Threads on PI/RI are monitored by the mods so that bad and dangerous advice is not permitted and deemed unhelpful.

To protect posters from trolls and unsavory people posting on the internet who pose as a person needing help and advice and so that posters do not end up locked in to a pm exchange with someone they can not help."

While I don't doubt that your offer of help and advice is genuine, the rules are in place to protect everyone.

If anyone is unsure of the Rules of PI, which differ to other Forums on boards.ie, make sure to reread the Charter occassionally. Due to the sensitive nature of posts here, PI is a heavily moderated forum, and breaches of the Charter frequently result in warnings, infractions and bans.

Theoffalyman

Sorry didnt mean to go against rules!