Getting close to people

LegacyUser

Hi there, I'm not sure where else to turn at the moment and I find typing a lot easier than talking so I thought I'd try here.
I'm a female college student who has trouble being comfortable with being emotionally close to anyone. I've never gotten close to anyone due to troubles as I was growing up, I was always too afraid to incase something happened to them and that has been ingrained into my way of thinking at this stage. In secondary school, this was almost reinforced. I had toxic friends whom I could never trust but couldn't get away from. No guy so much as looked at me, nevermind wanted me. This never really bothered me. I just accepted it.
In college, I've met some lovely people and made some great friends... but given the past, I just can't connect with them, I keep them at a distance and subconsciously refuse to get close enough to them that I can share my thoughts and feelings. All the friends I have made are almost like stand ins... people I go out with, who I walk to class with, go to the cinema with and so on but I don't have the same connection with them that they seem to have with eachother and I know it's me pushing them away without realising it. I don't know if they have really noticed as such. I still act like the others by having a laugh and join in with activities but none of them could actually claim that they know me.
It wasn't until college too, that any guy showed any interest in me. By that stage, I wasn't keen on relationships so it has never gone past one night stands, or at most, casual sex but nothing more. I've had a number of guys want more but I just tell them no. The idea of having anything more irritates me. I had a friend stay with me for a week and by the end of it, I was just annoyed by everything he did and couldn't wait to get rid of him (I didn't show this in anyway) but it's the same with everyone. There was another guy too, who was very cuddly and he wanted more than just a one night stand. He walked me to the shop the morning after and insisted one holding my hand, putting his arm around me, calling me "pet" and to be honest, it just turned my stomach and I never wanted to see him again.
I was quite happy with just having distant friends and even more so, one night stands up until recently, I've been feeling quite lonely. The friend thing, I think, will be easier to overcome but in terms of relationships and everything, I'm not sure how I'd overcome it. In the last few weeks, I've actually wanted to be hugged and for somebody to be there at night when I am lonely and sad (that's another story) but I know that I would just get annoyed at their presence at the same time, or feel ill and disgusted by the closeness.
Any help would be nice and I've probably skipped through some critical information so ask about anything I may have left out :P

I knew I forgot to add something critical to this...
I should mention that I had one boyfriend last year. It was a long distance relationship but it was just a game to him. After two months, he left me for one of his friends who he had been cheating on me with. That kinda put a damner on the whole relationship thing, to put it mildly.

Lorna123

I don't know how you overcome your problem OP, but I do know that to have a friend you have to be a friend. You can't shove people away and then expect them to want to interact with you at the same time. First of all you need to make an effort to be nicer to your college friends and be a bit more enthusiastic when they include you in their conversations.

As for boyfriends, I just think that you have not met the right one yet and when you do you will know how to behave to hold on to him.

Don't worry too much about all of this, just practice being nice and making an effort with people and it will all come together. Best of Luck.

LegacyUser

Lorna123 wrote: »

I don't know how you overcome your problem OP, but I do know that to have a friend you have to be a friend. You can't shove people away and then expect them to want to interact with you at the same time. First of all you need to make an effort to be nicer to your college friends and be a bit more enthusiastic when they include you in their conversations.

As for boyfriends, I just think that you have not met the right one yet and when you do you will know how to behave to hold on to him.

Don't worry too much about all of this, just practice being nice and making an effort with people and it will all come together. Best of Luck.

Hi Lorna, thanks for your reply I know, it's a bit of an odd situation, which is why I'm a bit stuck with it.
It's not so much making friends that I have a problem with. I have quite a few friends, in college and I'd have a laugh and conversations with them with no problems. It's more internally how I feel. I just don't really have the same emotional attachment people seem have with their friends. If they moved to a different country tomorrow and I never seen them again, it wouldn't bother me.
The whole man thing is probably what confuses me the most. Even if it's an attractive guy I get on well with, the idea of anything romantic disgusts me. I'm not sure if I'm explaining it right, it's quite difficult. I guess I could say that if my "dream guy" showed up tomorrow, I still wouldn't feel anything towards him in that manner and I know I would just get irritated if he was around often. If he tried doing anything coupley or relationshipy, I'd just feel very uncomfortable and kinda ill in my stomach and would try to get out of the situation because of it. There's just nothing there when it comes to people and except for physical attraction, nothing when it comes to potential partners.
I am trying not to worry about it. As I mentioned in my first post, it didn't bother me before now but lately, I've just been feeling a bit lonely and scared I guess. Perhaps my oxytocin levels are just messy up :P Again, thanks for the reply

Lorna123

Okay, so you seem to be able to make a friend but whatever is inside you makes you unhappy about trying to cultivate one. I don't how you can overcome that feeling but you could go to a Psychiatrist and have the whole thing analyzed and maybe get some answers there. It could be that because of your childhood you have just conditioned yourself not to get close to people and now because you are not in the habit of doing it you don't know how to go about it. I lack the skills to be able to tell you how to overcome those feelings but a Psychiatrist would be able to help you. You are a bit stuck at the moment but I am sure all of this could be sorted and you will get moving again.

RossFixxxed

Hi OP. Sorry things aren't the best. College is a weird, almost artificial place in many ways. I found it quite cut off from the 'real world'. You have so much new stuff, weird time tables, cutting old ties and starting to move towards a whole rake of new experiences and people.

Can I ask a few questions? Are you generally unhappy going about your day? Do you feel 'unworthy' of the bond you perceive others having? Do you think you are better or worse than your group of friends? Are you scared of opening up to them? What about romance with someone disgusts you: the emotional side and/or they physical?

Sorry to bombard you a bit, it's hard to tell where you are coming from. It's clear you've been screwed over in the past, and that would make anyone guarded. However, it's one of those things where you need to open yourself up to that risk if you are to reap any rewards!

Also your 'oxytocin' comment stood out. Anyone that mentions something medical is either a professional, self diagnosing, or has been diagnosed with something. I'm sorry if this is prying but is there something behind that statement?

LegacyUser

Again Lorna, thanks for the reply. I'll certainly keep it in mind

RossFixxxed wrote: »

Can I ask a few questions? Are you generally unhappy going about your day? Do you feel 'unworthy' of the bond you perceive others having? Do you think you are better or worse than your group of friends? Are you scared of opening up to them? What about romance with someone disgusts you: the emotional side and/or they physical?

Generally, I'm a happy person and have no problem going about my day. Not really, it's neither positive or negative, if that make sense? Nope, I don't believe in anyone being better or worse as a person. I've always found it difficult to open up to anyone, no matter who it is. It's mainly the emotional side but a bit the physical side as in the hugging, holding hands and so on but, again, I've no problem with one night stands or maybe engaging in casual sex with someone over a time.

RossFixxxed wrote: »

Also your 'oxytocin' comment stood out. Anyone that mentions something medical is either a professional, self diagnosing, or has been diagnosed with something. I'm sorry if this is prying but is there something behind that statement?

Oh, it's nothing really. I've had a few physiology modules in the last two years so have gone into depth with hormones. I just know it's one of the hormones that's behind bonding. I don't actually know if there's anything wrong with my levels or not

RossFixxxed

Ok cool, so it is emotional bonding that is the issue really.

Do you feel actively detatched from your daily life? Are you feelings muted or dampened? Do you find joy in anything? When is the last time you laughed out loud at something, or giggled at something silly?

It sounds like something is a little off balance. Obviously, I can't possibly tell what, but I do think a trip to the GP for a tune up could be of great benefit. They can rule out anything physical (hormones included ) and then see if some light councelling would be good for you. It can't hurt at all and this is clearly an issue to you and is affecting your negatively. I'm not suggesting anything dramatic by the way but when your engine makes weird noises it is always best to get to a mechanic well in advance of anything potentially going worse!

In a weird way you've opened up to some very direct, intimate questions from a total stranger on here. That's a good thing. I'm very guarded in general myself for a number of reasons, however, I have opened up to a select few people. It's damn scary and even disconcerting but it has huge benefits and rewards.

You're able to socialise, pick guys up casually etc so you're clearly capable of normal, healthy social interaction. It's hard to pin down what the issue behind it is so again I'd say hit up the GP. It could be very beneficial.

It's also worth balancing this a bit by saying, most people only have a few VERY close friends they are totally comfortable with. You may not want, or be ready for a romantic relationship and that is absolutely fine too!

This is a tricky one alright!


EDIT: Imagine you and I are out in a pub. Nothing 'romantic' just chilling and chatting. Now if I asked you questions like the ones on this thread, would you answer them face to face?

LegacyUser

RossFixxxed wrote: »

Do you feel actively detatched from your daily life? Are you feelings muted or dampened? Do you find joy in anything? When is the last time you laughed out loud at something, or giggled at something silly?

Not any other feeling. I'm 100% sure I don't have anything to do with depression or discontent in any other way.

RossFixxxed wrote: »

It sounds like something is a little off balance. Obviously, I can't possibly tell what, but I do think a trip to the GP for a tune up could be of great benefit. They can rule out anything physical (hormones included ) and then see if some light councelling would be good for you. It can't hurt at all and this is clearly an issue to you and is affecting your negatively. I'm not suggesting anything dramatic by the way but when your engine makes weird noises it is always best to get to a mechanic well in advance of anything potentially going worse!

I'll try to get a doctor appointment but I'm a bit worried they will try and force depression on me. It's happened before when I suffered from exhaustion and I lost count how many times I had to tell the doctor that it wasn't depression. Nice metaphor, by the way

RossFixxxed wrote: »

In a weird way you've opened up to some very direct, intimate questions from a total stranger on here. That's a good thing. I'm very guarded in general myself for a number of reasons, however, I have opened up to a select few people. It's damn scary and even disconcerting but it has huge benefits and rewards.

I find it easier to type or write problems. I think it's something to do with keeping a diary as a youngster It doesn't feel like I'm talking to a person.

RossFixxxed wrote: »

EDIT: Imagine you and I are out in a pub. Nothing 'romantic' just chilling and chatting. Now if I asked you questions like the ones on this thread, would you answer them face to face?

Nope, I wouldn't be able to form the words and probably end up telling you that it didn't matter before changing the subject.

RossFixxxed

Cool, thanks for the reply. I completely agree about having depression hoisted on you as that's the go-to diagnoses in some cases (not all, some doctors are far better than others).

I am a person by the way! :P

I think there's 2 small issues here:

1) You are TOO guarded around people and have a fear of opening up.
2) You actually cannot speak about your issues to others. Which leads you back in a loop to point 1.

I would see no harm in maybe booking in with a psychologist for one or two short appointments. The process itself may help more than anything else. You'll have to open up a bit and talk about your inability to talk about things (if you get me). Blood tests would be good too!

I certainly am not trying to diagnose anything just narrow it down. It's unusual that everything else seems fine. I would imagine past experience has taught you to not open up.

Again though, maybe you just aren't in a place for a romantic relationship right now and that's totally cool. If it is affecting you or making you happy I say follow it up!

No offence on this one: but you are clearly very bright, do you consider yourself 'above' the average person or any other form of detatchment. I've seen it happen. It's happened me in the past even. Has something very bad happened you in the past, has someone in a position of trust seriously let you down or hurt you?

This feels like some 'wiring' somewhere is a bit off, but it is in a huge tangle of cabling and I'm just trying to trace it somewhere.

LegacyUser

RossFixxxed wrote: »

I think there's 2 small issues here:

1) You are TOO guarded around people and have a fear of opening up.
2) You actually cannot speak about your issues to others. Which leads you back in a loop to point 1.

I would see no harm in maybe booking in with a psychologist for one or two short appointments. The process itself may help more than anything else. You'll have to open up a bit and talk about your inability to talk about things (if you get me). Blood tests would be good too!

I'll try and see about a psychologist

RossFixxxed wrote: »

No offence on this one: but you are clearly very bright, do you consider yourself 'above' the average person or any other form of detatchment. I've seen it happen. It's happened me in the past even. Has something very bad happened you in the past, has someone in a position of trust seriously let you down or hurt you?

I don't feel as though I'm above anyone in an egotistical sense. I do have a certain degree of consciousness but there's too many forms of intelligence for me to feel above anyone.
Yes, to the second one, quite a lot.

RossFixxxed

Ok so, I'd whole heartedly recommend seeing a psychologist / psychiatrist. From your post above there is a serioius issue in the past that is presenting barriers to you. It seems that if it happened a lot it could well leave scars and wounds. I think a proactive form of therapy would be great, say by way of an example CBT, something that focuses on results and techniques rather than dragging every part of your past under a spotlight. You seem more than aware what is wrong, and there seems to be no self delusion involved, so action would be the way to go.

That is NOT a diagnoses, just my own uneducated opinon and experience. Obvioiusly a professional will know better than I what way to proceed!

I'm not sure what else I can say OP other than I really hope it works out, and if there's anything I can do give me a shout on the thread here! I'm rooting for you, and while I've hogged this thread you can be sure there are many others on boards who are rooting for you too!