stupid argument

helpmeplease

I would really appreciate some feedback on this. Not neccessarily solutions, but your thoughts in general.

It is really embarrassing. I am a guy in my late 20s. My hair is going grey so the last yr or two I started to dye the grey. I know lots of people will say this is a terrible idea, and fair enough if that's your opinion, I won't argue with it.

I'm really body conscious and insecure, and I guess the dye makes me less conscious. It's only a tiny change but it helps my confidence. I've always been insecure about my appearance.

Today, me and my GF were getting ready to take her mum out for dinner for her birthday this evening. She was on the phone to her mum and started telling her that I was dying my hair, and the two of them started talking about it. I got annoyed with her for telling her mum, as she knows I am insecure about it. She started giving out to me and saying that it's just her mum.
Her mum started offering advice, which I didnt want.

I felt really embarrassed and put on the spot.

I told her she shouldn't have said anything to her mum, but she just rolled her eyes at me and saying it was no big deal. I said it was the principle of the thing, she knew that I would feel awkward and did it anyway. The argument got heated and she stood her ground until I said that I wasn't going to go unless she apologised. Then she said she would go on her own and she has made arrangements to go without me and said she is not coming home.

I feel things have escalated way too far and this could all have been solved if we talked about it. But she won't talk, she wants to call me a joke and say that I'm wrong and say that she can tell her mother whatever she wants. I think she should be a little more tactful. I would never say anything about her to anyone if i thought she would be embarrassed.

What do you think?

We're being stupid aren't we?

Seanafitz

helpmeplease wrote: »

I would really appreciate some feedback on this. Not neccessarily solutions, but your thoughts in general.

It is really embarrassing. I am a guy in my late 20s. My hair is going grey so the last yr or two I started to dye the grey. I know lots of people will say this is a terrible idea, and fair enough if that's your opinion, I won't argue with it.

I'm really body conscious and insecure, and I guess the dye makes me less conscious. It's only a tiny change but it helps my confidence. I've always been insecure about my appearance.

Today, me and my GF were getting ready to take her mum out for dinner for her birthday this evening. She was on the phone to her mum and started telling her that I was dying my hair, and the two of them started talking about it. I got annoyed with her for telling her mum, as she knows I am insecure about it. She started giving out to me and saying that it's just her mum.
Her mum started offering advice, which I didnt want.

I felt really embarrassed and put on the spot.

I told her she shouldn't have said anything to her mum, but she just rolled her eyes at me and saying it was no big deal. I said it was the principle of the thing, she knew that I would feel awkward and did it anyway. The argument got heated and she stood her ground until I said that I wasn't going to go unless she apologised. Then she said she would go on her own and she has made arrangements to go without me and said she is not coming home.

I feel things have escalated way too far and this could all have been solved if we talked about it. But she won't talk, she wants to call me a joke and say that I'm wrong and say that she can tell her mother whatever she wants. I think she should be a little more tactful. I would never say anything about her to anyone if i thought she would be embarrassed.

What do you think?

We're being stupid aren't we?

Yes you two are ... But ... She still shouldn't have said anything or even apologised afterwards when you explained how you felt .. Some women just don't understand a man can be insecure to

helpmeplease

Seanafitz wrote: »

Yes you two are ... But ... She still shouldn't have said anything or even apologised afterwards when you explained how you felt .. Some women just don't understand a man can be insecure to

Yes even if she had just said ''sorry i forgot you were sensitive/insecure/irrational about it, ill be more careful anymore'' then I would have been fine.

Meller

I think you were right. It's very easy for somebody else to say 'don't be ridiculous, it's no big deal'. But she is your partner and she should be understanding and supportive; not brush off things that make you feel uncomfortable, just because she thinks you shouldn't. This is one of the key things you must learn not to do in a relationship, imo; you have to be patient and considerate of how the other person feels too.

I do agree with her that it IS no big deal; and she's probably close to her mum, so thinks it's okay to tell her these things. But it was insensitive and inconsiderate, given how insecure it makes you.

If I were you, I wouldn't do the whole 'principles' thing, or blow off the handle about it again. Just explain to her how insecure it makes you (even if she already knows, explain again), how you're embarrassed about it (even though it's nothing to be embarrassed about so you shouldn't be - this is probably what your girlfriend thinks) and how you can't help feeling this way. So you would appreciate it if she treated the topic more sensitively. You may also want to apologise for fighting - even if you think you were 'right' to begin with, you should always apologise after getting into stupid big arguments. It's not worth building resentment over, stubbornly hanging onto this whole 'principles' thing over very trivial stuff.

While I can see why she would have mentioned it to her mum, once you made it clear that you were uncomfortable she should have stopped and apologised. You're right to be annoyed but it doesn't sound like you'll get through to her.

helpmeplease

She still won't apologise. And to make things worse, she has just told her mum and sister why we are late. She said I'm mad over the hair thing. Thats not even correct.

I'm mad at her for not apologising, I could easily forget about everything if she had just apologised.

Meller

helpmeplease wrote: »

She still won't apologise. And to make things worse, she has just told her mum and sister why we are late. She said I'm mad over the hair thing. Thats not even correct.

I'm mad at her for not apologising, I could easily forget about everything if she had just apologised.

You are clearly both still a bit worked up, so just give it a bit of time. She is also annoyed because you haven't gone to dinner, I'm sure. You need to talk to her about it calmly and in a non-demanding, non-accusatory way, later on.

It is just stubbornness and pride that is driving you both to this; is it really worth having a big long blowout that's detrimental to the relationship over? It's not important, so best to get it over with asap, even if you have to apologise first or 'let her away' with some of the things she did while angry.

helpmeplease

Meller wrote: »

You are clearly both still a bit worked up, so just give it a bit of time. She is also annoyed because you haven't gone to dinner, I'm sure. You need to talk to her about it calmly and in a non-demanding, non-accusatory way, later on.

It is just stubbornness and pride that is driving you both to this; is it really worth having a big long blowout that's detrimental to the relationship over? It's not important, so best to get it over with asap, even if you have to apologise first or 'let her away' with some of the things she did while angry.

This is not the first time she has said private things about me and I have let her away without apologising before. She keeps doing it I always give in and forgive her even though she won't admit she could have been more discreet

I don't know what to do about dinner

It's embarrassing if I don't go, but its prob going to be even more embarrassing if i do go because everyone knows why we are so late

what should i do

Lorna123

Don't go. She needs to realize that your feelings count, no matter what she may think about it and unless she is hit with the consequences of her actions she won't learn anything. If you don't go then maybe she will be embarrassed for a change.

helpmeplease

Lorna123 wrote: »

Don't go. She needs to realize that your feelings count, no matter what she may think about it and unless she is hit with the consequences of her actions she won't learn anything. If you don't go then maybe she will be embarrassed for a change.

Thank you. She is still insisting she has nothing to apologise for and is asking if I am going to go with her?

Usually at this point I would give in and go with her (she can't drive) but I feel totally embarrassed and I don't know if I can face it. Especially when she is treating me as if I am totally wrong:(

I can accept that I'm somewhat in the wrong, in that I am probably over sensitive about it and it was probably not a big deal to begin with. But when I told her I was uncomfortable, she refused, and still refuses, to accept it

keelanj69

You could go. They know about it now. Say sorry we are late and explain that you were annoyed about the situation. Not going may make more out of it thsn needs be.

Lorna123

She should be prepared to at least apologize at this stage and if she doesn't then she should suffer the consequences. This is a big thing for you OP and she needs to take your feelings into consideration. She will never learn to be considerate if she keeps on getting away with it. You not going could bring her to her eyesight quicker than anything else, and especially when she has done this before and then did it again. She might think twice before she does something like this again, but if you go and let her away with it she will do it again and again.

helpmeplease

Lorna123 wrote: »

She should be prepared to at least apologize at this stage and if she doesn't then she should suffer the consequences. This is a big thing for you OP and she needs to take your feelings into consideration. She will never learn to be considerate if she keeps on getting away with it. You not going could bring her to her eyesight quicker than anything else, and especially when she has done this before and then did it again. She might think twice before she does something like this again, but if you go and let her away with it she will do it again and again.

Yes that's what has happened before. I gave in without an apology forthcoming and things still didnt get any better.

Im just so embarrassed now though, with her family knowing about it. She rang them and told them straight away:o

helpmeplease

She just apologised. Very brief, and not a lot of meaning in it. Almost as a way of just getting me to go. I accepted the apology. But I dunno if her sister is already on the way now. I just feel too stressed to even go now, especially when everyone knows why we are late. I hate being noticed, and i know everyone will be thinking about it now

Lorna123

It is not the end of the world OP, but you need to stand your ground here. She will have to come to her eyesight and there is no way she will do this if you give in. It is not worth splitting up over or anything like that but you have to make a stand. I would not go if I were you unless I got an apology. I am sure you look grand whether you dyed your hair or not but however this is important to you and she needs to realize that.

Lorna123

I wrote that last post before I read that she apologised. Could you just make a complete laugh out of the whole thing. Admit you dye your hair but just say that you had to do something to keep up with your good looking partner, just make light of it and everyone else will too.

helpmeplease

Lorna123 wrote: »

It is not the end of the world OP, but you need to stand your ground here. She will have to come to her eyesight and there is no way she will do this if you give in. It is not worth splitting up over or anything like that but you have to make a stand. I would not go if I were you unless I got an apology. I am sure you look grand whether you dyed your hair or not but however this is important to you and she needs to realize that.

yes tbh it is her reaction to it that is bothering me. what if i want her to keep something else private in future? something more serious than hair! i dont know if i can trust her

Lorna123

Go out and have a good night and later on, maybe tomorrow, discuss this with her again and tell her that you were mortified and ask her if she would respect your privacy and wishes in the future, that you are not prepared to undergo any further incidences such as this.

helpmeplease

Lorna123 wrote: »

Go out and have a good night and later on, maybe tomorrow, discuss this with her again and tell her that you were mortified and ask her if she would respect your privacy and wishes in the future, that you are not prepared to undergo any further incidences such as this.

We are about an hour and a half away from the restaurant, so it will be late when we get there. i know everyone will blame me if they miss their meal. im so annoyed at her for putting us in this situation.

and i just found out that her sister can't collect her; i think thats why she apologised. until 5 mins before the apology, she insisted she wouldnt apologise.

now she says we arent going anywhere, and its my fault and that i wanted to stay home all along

Lorna123

I know you feel mortified about his OP but you could take the higher ground and just make a laugh of it. It is really all you can do because if you sulk it will make you look worse. When you have had a few drinks it will all look different. Have a good night and tomorrow ask her not to put you in this situation ever again because next time you won't be so accommodating.

username123

Listen, get real here. You are upset, you dont want to go. Dont go.

Thats it. No big emotional upheaval, no pouting, no wussing, just you are upset and dont want to go.

I think you need to remove the night out from the situation. Let her go if she wants. But this business of only apologising to get you to go etc...its very childish. Tell her you will talk about things tomorrow and off she goes or you go out yourself for a bit of space or something, but whatever you do, dont go to the restaurant because you will only be more angry and hurt as a result.

Btw - I dont think hair dying is a big deal (my husband does) but anything that you feel insecure with and dont want talked about should be respected. You need to draw a line in the sand her and stand your ground if you want to be respected in the future. Just giving in and saying its ok sends a different message to how you really feel. Own your feelings.

dellas1979

Stubborn people dont like to be told.

Well, well done on holding your ground on this (sound like the first time youve done this).

If YOU dont want to go, based on whatever, dont go. You have an opinion and feelings too.

There are boundaries for talking to other people about aspects of a relationship, and she is not respecting them, but neither are you enforcing them (until this crisis).

Set a few boundaries and enforce them. To get around the her being stubborn part, make sure you tell her "Im not telling you, Im asking you..." that appeals/get through to stubborn people more so than "Im telling you, Im not asking you".

P. Breathnach

OP, I think you made a mistake in demanding an apology. That sort of demand makes it difficult for people to negotiate their way out of awkward situations. Perverse pride comes into play.

That said, your girlfriend has behaved very badly. You have told her of your insecurity, and she has made little of it, even after she learned that she had upset you. But you have put a demand for an apology on the agenda rather than an invitation to her to understand that she has upset you.

I'm inclined to agree with others who have posted, and say that you should make your stand. Don't go, and tell her that you are not going because you are upset and do not want to be open to further ridicule.

[And later on, try to get some help with your insecurities about your image; that sort of insecurity can be very disabling.]

RetailChick

Hi OP,

I think your girlfriend has behaved very poorly. Fair enough you are insecure about dying your hair and we all have insecurities but sharing something you are insecure about with a third party is out of order. How would she feel if you guys were meeting friends of yours and you rang them and said "Oh sorry we are running late XXXX is waxing her upper lip" I bet you she wouldn't be happy with you dismissing telling them as "no big deal"!!

Demanding an apology very rarely works but I think if she is a decent person after a few hours she should realise she was out of line and offer you a genuine apology.

Stavro Mueller

helpmeplease wrote: »

This is not the first time she has said private things about me and I have let her away without apologising before. She keeps doing it I always give in and forgive her even though she won't admit she could have been more discreet

^^ This.

When things are calmer, you really need to sit your girlfriend down and have a chat about this. Some people are more indiscreet by nature and would almost tell you when they last went to the toilet. You need to let her know that this behaviour is not right and how it affects you. If she cares about you at all, she will make an effort not to embarrass/hurt you again.

Hannibal Smith

For me the problem isn't so much what she said, its the fact she can't admit that she's wrong. This type of person can never see anything from another persons point of view and will never have empathy for the other person.

She shouldn't have said anything personal about you. she was well out of order and instead of apologizing and getting herself out of the hole she's dug herself, she's managed to drag you down with her and have you question your part in the whole thing

I think you should stand up for yourself and make it clear that you are not happy with this and keep an eye on it. Because I couldn't bear to be with someone who turned stuff around in me.

Stavro Mueller

Hannibal Smith wrote: »

For me the problem isn't so much what she said, its the fact she can't admit that she's wrong. This type of person can never see anything from another persons point of view and will never have empathy for the other person..

It could be lack of empathy, that's true. Or it could just be a lack of cop-on on her behalf. Some people who aren't necessarily bad or horrible in other ways do have this blind spot. Either way, I think a little chat is in order. See where that takes things.

mr.correct

drop her dude she got a big mouth and doesn't care about what's considered private to you imagine what she tells her mates about you when she doesn't tell her mother