Partner had abortion

LegacyUser · 10-05-2013 6:29pm #1

My partner had an abortion last year after engaging with someone for a few weeks. I'm really struggling to deal with the whole situation mentally and have a lot of anger that I don't know where to direct. It isn't really to do with the mechanics of being for/against abortion but more to do with my feelings on her. In a way I have such a high standard and opinion of her that doesn't correlate with her having unprotected sex, and I question are my views on her 'correct'. That probably comes across callous but they are my genuine feelings. I guess in a way the fact that she couldn't abstain from having unprotected sex for one night kind of means that it was obviously something she really enjoyed with the person in question. That makes me sick aswell and does have a major affect on our own sex life, I feel an added pressure to ensure ours is brilliant as I suspect theirs was by virtue of her willing to take a risk of getting pregnant. Probably doesn't help that I know the person in question either. I'm not sure what I'm really asking here but I would be grateful to hear any opinions on what people think of the whole situation and any advice you might have. thanks

Neyite · 10-05-2013 6:56pm

Posters will please note that this is NOT a thread for pro-choice/pro-life debates.

As with all emotive topics here in PI, I expect that posters will post in line with the Charter, and offer on-topic and constructive advice that is genuinely helpful to the OP, or don't post at all.

10-05-2013 7:04pm

I don't really know why your emphasis is on unprotected sex OP - did she specifically tell you it was? Because contraception can certainly fail

username123 · 10-05-2013 7:06pm

I can totally understand where you are coming from. I think the problem really is that this entire experience has rocked the foundation of how you see your partner and has added an element of insecurity for you.

It may not be that the sex was so brilliant that she decided not to use protection, perhaps they simply had none, or he didnt want to or they were a bit drunk or whatever. It is no reflection of her personally, anyone can make a mistake. Its certainly not any reflection that things were so brilliant that she thought it was ok to risk getting pregnant - surely the fact of the abortion shows that she did not want a pregnancy? Perhaps she thought he pulled out or she was at the wrong time of her cycle or whatever. I suspect you are overthinking this aspect completely as it was more likely that NO thought happened on her side of things until after the fact.

It is certainly no reflection on you and for you to feel that now you have to be great at sex is not right. This is an insecurity for you now because your confidence in your relationship has been shattered.

The best thing I can say to you is this, if you are going to forgive her, you need to forgive her and move on. You are only hurting yourself by torturing yourself with notions of her with someone else and assuming the sex was amazing. Lets face it, sex is sex, sometimes its amazing sometimes it isnt, the fact is - its YOU she chooses to be with so amazing sex or not, you are her choice of partner.

I hope you can resolve this within yourself and find peace because otherwise you will tear yourself apart feeling that you are lacking something when it fact it was your partner who lacked something to do what she did by having an affair.

Taltos · 10-05-2013 7:10pm

OP - to keep it simple, what she chose to do in a prior relationship before you should have no bearing on your relationship unless by her actions she has placed her and your health at risk.

We all do things we regret later on, but fact is she is with you now and unless you find a way to deal with your feelings you run a very real risk of pushing her away. Please balance that fact against how you are feeling and try to come to some sort of peace with this. I don't know what age you are but it is not unreasonable to expect a partner to have had some life experiences before you came into their lives - depending on age of course.

Neyite · 10-05-2013 7:12pm

OP, can you clarify if it was before you met or during your relationship - as in, was she cheating on you, or was this before you got together?

username123 · 10-05-2013 7:19pm

Neyite wrote: »

OP, can you clarify if it was before you met or during your relationship - as in, was she cheating on you, or was this before you got together?

Oh sorry, I read it as she cheated but now I wonder - my advice is probably irrelevant!

Well the point still holds - move on, people have pasts, you have to accept it or lose her.

katiecork · 10-05-2013 7:28pm

Sounds like you are jealous and insecure. Comparing yourself to previous partners will only feed this insecurity. You should feel reassured that this man us in her past and you are her future. Remove the topic of abortion from the issue and have an open conversation about your concerns.

LegacyUser · 10-05-2013 7:46pm

Sorry - It wasn't a relationship as such with the other person. More a case of simply sleeping with someone for a few weeks whilst never officially being together. There was no cheating involved, I got involved with her within a month after the abortion which I was unaware of of course.

I am totally understanding of her past, I know of someone else she slept with an consider that person a friend. It has no bearing on our relationship, well consciously anyway. I care little for her past relationships that actually were that. In this case it was like a series of acting like someone who I don't want to care about, would actually despise such behaviour to be honest.

I don't believe there is any danger of pushing her away because I am essentially the sucker picking up the pieces. I think she senses this aswell and feeds off the security of actually being with someone who cares for her, which wasn't the case with the other person as she found out. I definitely torture myself over it and am aware there is a lot of trust issues I now have for whatever reason, I just don't know how to deal with them.

Morag · 10-05-2013 7:56pm

There are positives from this.

One huge one is that she trusts you enough to tell you.
There are many women who have had an abortion and never feel that they can tell the person they want to spend the rest of their life with. She wants you to know her all.
Her mistakes and the lengths she went to fix them and to make her life to what it is today with you in it.

Contraception is never 100% and we all makes mistakes, for women those mistakes can have a bigger set of consequences.

More Irish women have had an abortion then have had thier tonsils removed, I know it's a shock to find out that your partner is one of those women, give youself time to feel what you are feeling and to process it all. Maybe you should consider getting counseling, talking it over with someone else may help.

Some times the choices we make have nothing to do with wanting that person more then other people, it can be more about what is going on with us at the time.

It also means that if in the future if you plan to have a family together you know she can get pregnant.

DeltaWhite · 10-05-2013 8:03pm

Everyone has done things in the past they regret, you can't hold that against them! Otherwise you will live in misery holding grudges for things you have no control over!

You will really have to accept it or part ways! I'm unsure if you were in a relationship with her when this happened? If you were, then the obvious thing is to move on because personally I can't see how you could get over that!

Edit: just saw your reply.. I echo previous responses though OP, can't blame her for having an abortion, she did what she did and there is nothing that can change that. I don't judge her for it either, but if this is really affecting your sex life and your head is wrecked over it, then maybe she's not for you? Not telling you to end it but you will have to work hard together to rise above this! Are you happy to do that?

ted1 · 10-05-2013 8:16pm

People have sex and accidents do happen, it was before you were together and to be honest it really shouldn't concern you. What should concern you is supporting your girlfriend and being there for her, some girls have a hard time coping after an abortion some don't.

If you can't put it aside do the girl a favour and cut her loose.

LegacyUser · 11-05-2013 2:29am

You have to consider that no contraception is never 100% safe and it takes 2 people to get pregnant.
I know that for most woman having an abortion is not an easy choice.
You have to consider that your girlfriend made a hard choice based on her own circumstances at the time and that she thinks highly of you to let you know this happened to her.
Maybe she knew that having a baby at that time would not work due to job, career, money,housing or maybe she was with some one who would not have given her any support. I know woman who got pregnant and there oh wanted nothing to do with them or the child. I would also remember that a child deserves 2 people that want them and not one person who resents them because they were born.

No person going into a relationship has not got some type of baggage and most people have something or somethings that they want to keep in the past.
At this stage you have a choice to work on this relationship and forget about her past.
If you can't get over this you need to end this relationship.

CaraMay · 11-05-2013 7:29am

No one can tell you how to feel about the various aspects of your girlfriends past life. If you don'tnt like certain things she has done then you don't like them. That is your right.The question is whether or not you can accept them and live with them.

It sounds to methat you have an issue, even if small, with her sleeping with other guys in your group. I can understand that but you knew that when you were starting to go out with her I assume? If so you have to just forget that.

The issue with the abortion is a new one for you and if you don't think you want to be with someone who had an abortion then set her free to meet someone who will be. No judgement on you if you make that choice as its your right.

You said something funny. Why are you a sucker? Do you think she is only using you for support or something?

Chattastrophe! · 11-05-2013 10:01am

needtotalkplease wrote: »

I am totally understanding of her past, I know of someone else she slept with an consider that person a friend. It has no bearing on our relationship, well consciously anyway. I care little for her past relationships that actually were that. In this case it was like a series of acting like someone who I don't want to care about, would actually despise such behaviour to be honest.

But you're not totally understanding of her past; far from it.

What's the difference, to you, between her relationship with the guy that got her pregnant, and her relationship with this other friend she slept with?

She could have quite easily gotten pregnant when with the other friend, either, or indeed with any other ex.

What's the 'series of acting like someone who I don't want to care about', and what's the behaviour you would despise? Is it just the fact that she got an abortion? What would you have wanted or expected her to do differently, when she found herself pregnant with an unplanned and unwanted baby? Surely you can see that, apart from anything else, it's quite possible that you wouldn't even be in this relationship now if she'd decided against an abortion at the time ...?

needtotalkplease wrote: »

I don't believe there is any danger of pushing her away because I am essentially the sucker picking up the pieces. I think she senses this aswell and feeds off the security of actually being with someone who cares for her, which wasn't the case with the other person as she found out. I definitely torture myself over it and am aware there is a lot of trust issues I now have for whatever reason, I just don't know how to deal with them.

It doesn't sound particularly healthy, that you see her as being so dependent on you. It seems like this is what makes you feel entitled to judge her actions in the past as harshly as you want to ... because you seem to know she won't stand up to you and defend herself.

She trusted you with something really personal and sensitive. She didn't have to do that, and the last thing you should be doing is trusting her less because of her honestly and openness.

In my opinion, you're completely overthinking the whole thing. What happened in the past, before you'd even gotten into a relationship with her, should be left in the past. If you're very anti-abortion, then make sure to take all reasonable precautions to avoid pregnancy in this relationship, and (to put your mind at ease) have the discussion now about what would happen if she did get pregnant.

And stop judging her. If you can accept and love her, as the person she is now, then move forward with the relationship and don't dwell on what happened before. Just accept that everything that happened to her in the past contributes to the person she is today. And if you really can't accept it, then I guess all you can do is to end the relationship. Bear in mind, though, that you'll find it very hard to find a partner without a past.

No matter how much you disagree with her choices in the past, it's just not possible for her to go back in time and change her mind (even if she wanted to.) Only you know whether you're capable of accepting the past and moving on. Just don't make the mistake of directing your anger and doubt towards her - because it's your own problem, your own issues, not hers.

Slutmonkey57b · 11-05-2013 10:19am

OP the language in your posts suggests you feel that she is dumping this problem on you and you're having to sort it out.

Without an awful lot more knowledge of her personality, her history, the circumstances which led to the pregnancy, or the conversation you had with her, it's very difficult to guess what she was thinking when discussing it with you. Having said that, all of what you're describing are things that are happening in your own head, due to your own insecurities. You seem to be under the impression she had caused a problem for you.

I don't think she has. Maybe she's sounding you out to see what sort of long term partner you are, or maybe she feels she needs your support because she's still dealing with some feelings that came out of that situation, and she needs to talk. Maybe she's heard comments you made about a "type of person" and needs to know whether you view her negatively or look down on her.

Ultimately, this will be a test not of what sort of person she is, but what sort of person you are. If you can accept that everyone has a past, , everyone is imperfect, and people generally have the right to be forgiven. What is important is how she treats you, and how you treat her. At the moment, I would say you're failing the test.

Slutmonkey57b · 11-05-2013 10:23am

needtotalkplease wrote: »

In this case it was like a series of acting like someone who I don't want to care about, would actually despise such behaviour to be honest.

I don't believe there is any danger of pushing her away because I am essentially the sucker picking up the pieces. I think she senses this aswell and feeds off the security of actually being with someone who cares for her, which wasn't the case with the other person as she found out.

Supporting someone who needs support doesn't make you a sucker, it makes you a better partner and person.

ABajaninCork · 11-05-2013 10:30am

needtotalkplease wrote: »

Sorry - It wasn't a relationship as such with the other person. More a case of simply sleeping with someone for a few weeks whilst never officially being together. There was no cheating involved, I got involved with her within a month after the abortion which I was unaware of of course.

I am totally understanding of her past, I know of someone else she slept with an consider that person a friend. It has no bearing on our relationship, well consciously anyway. I care little for her past relationships that actually were that. In this case it was like a series of acting like someone who I don't want to care about, would actually despise such behaviour to be honest.

But you're not!! I couldn't agree more with Tlachgta's excellent post. It takes a LOT of courage for your partner to tell you she had an abortion. Millions of women the world over suffer in silence because of the guilt, misplaced shame and fear of being judged. Which is what you're doing now. Whatever you think. She has placed a HUGE amount of trust in you to even tell you. The past is just that - the past. What your partner did before she met you is basically none of your business. What you need to do is to find a way to deal with it.

needtotalkplease wrote: »

I don't believe there is any danger of pushing her away because I am essentially the sucker picking up the pieces. I think she senses this aswell and feeds off the security of actually being with someone who cares for her, which wasn't the case with the other person as she found out. I definitely torture myself over it and am aware there is a lot of trust issues I now have for whatever reason, I just don't know how to deal with them.

I'm not so sure of that. You sound very insecure, if I'm honest. Why do you see yourself as a 'sucker'? I find that remark very telling. Why do you torture yourself?? Perhaps you need to speak to someone to find the answer to that and to deal with your trust issues.

Lorna123 · 11-05-2013 1:26pm

needtotalkplease wrote: »

My partner had an abortion last year after engaging with someone for a few weeks. I'm really struggling to deal with the whole situation mentally and have a lot of anger that I don't know where to direct. It isn't really to do with the mechanics of being for/against abortion but more to do with my feelings on her. In a way I have such a high standard and opinion of her that doesn't correlate with her having unprotected sex, and I question are my views on her 'correct'. That probably comes across callous but they are my genuine feelings. I guess in a way the fact that she couldn't abstain from having unprotected sex for one night kind of means that it was obviously something she really enjoyed with the person in question. That makes me sick aswell and does have a major affect on our own sex life, I feel an added pressure to ensure ours is brilliant as I suspect theirs was by virtue of her willing to take a risk of getting pregnant. Probably doesn't help that I know the person in question either. I'm not sure what I'm really asking here but I would be grateful to hear any opinions on what people think of the whole situation and any advice you might have. thanks

You come across more annoyed that she had unprotected sex rather than she had an abortion. Is that correct? You are jealous that you can't have unprotected sex with her and someone else did. You think that because she had unprotected sex with this other guy that it means she was more sexually attracted to him than she is to you, and this is driving you insane. Am I right? What she did that night was irresponsible but she is not prepared to make the same mistake again and you have to applaud her for that. She learnt her lesson as it were. We can all throw caution to the wind by times. Some of us get away with it and others don't. She didn't, but she is now prepared to be careful from now on. Have you ever made a mistake? You are having images in your mind of your o/h having unprotected sex with someone else and you are being convinced that this was better than the sex she is having with you. You are placing too much emphasis on this and it will ruin your relationship if you don't cop on soon. This girl loves you for who you are and our sexual relationships are different with each person we have sex with. She is happy with you or she wouldn't be with you. If you cannot straighten out your thoughts on this and figure it all out logically then you will have no alternative but to break up with her.

TINA1984 · 11-05-2013 4:08pm

Lots of people here are telling you OP that you need to be understanding of your GF's past and you have to ignore it.

Well let me tell you that no you don't, if you're not comfortable with her previous actions and lifestyle choices, and that she's now relying on you as an emotional crutch because of the consequences of these choices then you don't have to go along with it. You should still be in the 'honeymoon' period of your relationship, yet by the tone of your posts it doesn't sound like you are.

Whatever you do don't let this situation drag out, either you forget/ignore her previous actions and put it to one side and progress the relationship without prejudice, or you decide that you're in over your head wrt her emotional issues and you need to move in.

Idle Passerby · 13-05-2013 11:38am

needtotalkplease wrote: »

I don't believe there is any danger of pushing her away because I am essentially the sucker picking up the pieces. I think she senses this aswell and feeds off the security of actually being with someone who cares for her

You might not have intended it to come across this way but this sounds like you feel she has duped you into something. Rather than being the "sucker picking up the pieces" she probably sees you as someone she can trust and who has helped her through a difficult time. If I was in her shoes Id be very hurt to hear that this is how you see the situation.

As it comes across, you disagree with unsafe sex or sex without a relationship and thats the problem you have with your girlfriends past. You are entitled to have your own views and opinions about sex but you have to understand that your views may not match exactly those of your current partner. She may have enjoyed having casual sex in the past, but that should have no bearing on the relationship you have with her now.

She had to make a very difficult decision as a result of an impetuous choice. She trusts you enough to speak to you about it. Take it as a sign she feels safe with you, dont use it as an excuse to judge her and lower your opinion of her.

LegacyUser · 13-05-2013 1:27pm

Thanks for the replies everyone, some thoughts I can relate to and others not so much.

I forgot to mention earlier that it wasn't a case of contraception failing, there was none/no method used.

I must reiterate that I am understanding of every aspect of her past except for this, nothing else bothers me in the slightest in regards to other partners, etc.

I guess when I break it down the difference in this situation is that pregnancy is a very meaningful and personal connection, as is abortion. She has shared this with somebody else who cared little for her. It is something that will 'burden' or be with her for the rest of her life and she won't forget who it was with. I don't think I have any bond with her as powerful as this, I don't think simply loving her is on that spectrum of 'togetherness' or connection.

I am very insecure about the whole situation as some of you have touched on but don't know how to overcome that. I get little solace from thinking I am the one she is with now, she had no say in the ending of the other 'relationship' (I use that very loosely for lack of a better term), it was he who wanted nothing to do with her and channeled his interests elsewhere. I can't help but think she ended up with the person she didn't want essentially.

I was thinking this relationship was a little bit different/special which she has also said. However, when I think of it like this is when the other aspects affect me more as they are tarnishing our relationship as such, I can't be the first to share such a special bond with her if that makes sense. I think I probably need to just look at this from a more 'fun' aspect and not be viewing it as the be all and end all of relationships or something very serious. That is unfortunate but I'm really at a loss to remove the negative and insecure thoughts apart from ending the relationship.

Idle Passerby · 13-05-2013 2:11pm

I think you're being a little bit selfish. I doubt you're girlfriend see's having to have an abortion, then being dumped by a guy who didn't care about her as a 'special bond'. Yes, she'll remember this her whole life, and who it happened with but that doesn't mean she remembers any of it fondly.

It sounds like you expect you and you're girlfriend to experience everything together for the first time, regardless of whether its good or bad. You're going out with an adult, no matter who she is she will have had experiences you cant identify with or share with her.

I think you need to accept your girlfriend without prejudice or else leave the relationship and allow her to find someone who doesn't see her past as a personal insult.

RossFixxxed · 13-05-2013 3:07pm

I understand it is a big deal. I understand it is a big shock to hear it. I understand you feeling a bit burdened by the knowledge. I understant you being upset, confused, bewildered, shocked etc.

I absolutely do NOT understand how you have come up with this 'spectrum of togetherness', and attitude that she has dumped this on you. This sounds like the road to madness to me tbh. You are increidbly insecure about yourself and the relationship. You are comparing yourself to a hypothetical boyfriend from the past, devoid of much of the acutal reality of that past situation. Further, you've invented some relationship scale / score card that no human being living or dead could ever match up to.

You have a weird expectation that everything in your relationship should be new to both of you and there should be no concept of the past even.

What are YOU doing to create new experiences for you both? What about your past?

I know it seems confrontational but I'm trying to shake you a little to see what you are saying is putting a ridiculous expectation on your partner, your relationship, your future happiness and YOURSELF!

If you are THAT insecure, maybe it IS time to end it? If your relationship isn't worth working through these negative feelings then it is not worth being in at all. Everyone has a past, mine is a MOUNTAIN to overcome, but nothing worth doing is easy and relationships cannot coast on everything being ok all the time, they rarely are. They take a degree of commitment and work. Sickness and health and all that.

As others have said: we have ALL done incredibly stupid things in the past, the older I get the more stupid things I have done. You can't hold her to blame for actions years ago. It seems like she made some bad decisions and then had to deal with them in an immensely difficult and no doubt emotionally trying way. Abortions are not an easy decision to make. I'm not here to debate the issue, just pointing out that it was somthing I would imagine was VERY difficult for her.

If you do manage to find a virgin, who has never made a big mistake in life, and has had none of the life experiences you want to share with a woman; let me know, I'd love to try the unicorn she rode to you on. Yeah that's a smart ass comment, but your expectations are way off.

There is a HUGE void between how you are feeling (that's ok, you've a LOT to process) and how you want to handle it. She had an abortion with a past partner, YOU got insecure so you want to end it? The more I go over this the better off she'd be without you.

I am essentially the sucker picking up the pieces

WOW. Just wow. She opens up on an emotive topic about her past to you. She bears her soul on something traumatic and deeply rooted, and SHE's the one to blame, and you're a sucker. You're MEANT TO HELP EACH OTHER IN A RELATIONSHIP! I doubt it is just being dumped on you, it's an important thing to her and may affect some of her actions. Feeling like you do suggests a serious dysfunction. I'm astounded at your attitude to this. I feel sorry for her. If I opened up old wounds and my heart to someone about my past and they felt I was making them a 'sucker' I'd be shocked, hurt, offended and out the damn door!

EDIT: A final point: she probably doesn't want to have unprotected sex again as she had a very bad time after doing it before... How would that make you jealous? People learn things from their mistakes, you may want to consider that point a few times.

username123 · 13-05-2013 3:35pm

I pretty much agree with poster above (I may have been more diplomatic!).

I dont understand why a partners past is all about you OP? Its her past, her issue, her baggage.

Its very immature to be making this about you - dont you think it is difficult enough for her to deal with?

DeltaWhite · 13-05-2013 3:38pm

Rossfixxxed has hit the nail on the head OP.

If you have such high expectations for a relationship such as the one you are looking for then I'm afraid you are setting yourself up for disappointment! EVERYONE has skeletons in their closet and we all just have to accept that none of us are perfect!

I can see from your last post that you recognise that you need to see the fun aspect of a r/ship rather than wanting it to be perfect! I think you need to just relax, chill out a bit and stop over analysing everything and STOP thinking about your gf's past, you are going to wreck your own head until the r/ship will finally become rotten.

And I also want to add, you would be very lucky to find a girl that hasn't slept with someone without protection (not all women have done so but I would say a huge proportion have done the deed unprotected) this is something you need to get over IMO!

miamee · 13-05-2013 4:20pm

OP, you already have something special with this girl that she never had with this other guy - she is your girlfriend. You give her love, care and affection - she never got these from him by the sounds of it. I bet you have had a lot more intimate, special and fun moments with her than he ever did. You have created way more good memories with her than he ever did, I am willing to bet. AND you are still together so you get to keep making good memories and having great experiences. Don't ruin that for yourself or for her because she had an ill-advised fling you don't approve of in her past.

kat.mac · 13-05-2013 5:50pm

OP, I'm going to be honest - I'm getting the feeling there's a bit of a virgin/wh*re complex going on in the background here. You're being awfully judgemental about a difficult episode in your girlfriend's past and it really does seem like you see her in an inferior light since she (bravely, IMO) opened up to you about it. If that's the case, then I think you need to acknowledge that and end the relationship. She can then find someone who doesn't judge her for making a mistake and facing the consequences, and you can find someone who has an unblemished record, so to speak.

Finally OP, I understand that you have a lot to process here, but I'm actually raging that you would consider *yourself* the victim, or "sucker" in all this. I think that's an extremely self-centred and immature viewpoint.

December2012 · 13-05-2013 6:12pm

So basically.... You're jealous?

Because she was in a bad situation and it wasn't with you?

Why are you so insecure and needy?

LegacyUser · 13-05-2013 7:07pm

op i had an abortion when i was younger. let me absolutely tell you from my point of view, it is NOT easy to open up to current partners about that. the fear of judgement, the fear of rejection, the fear of all these things that while they have nothing to do with the person you're currently with, you somehow feel they should know.

i've been in relationships since i had the abortion where i DIDN'T tell the guy. i suppose part of me knew that they'd have a problem or issue with it, so i kept it to myself.

now. if someone loves you, has the same views on the right to choose and all that other political stuff, while i might expect them to be a support if i needed it, i would NOT expect them to have some really strange fixation on some ''link'' or ''bond'' i shared with the guy who got me pregnant. and if the guy i was with DID feel like that, i'd know he wasn't right for me. and if i EVER felt that he thought he was being ''suckered'' into ''picking up pieces'' i'd run a mile myself anyway. who wants to make someone feel beholden like that? very selfish imo.

has your girlfriend ever expressed this feeling of a bond, or a connection with that guy, or is this something you've fabricated as your get out clause? cause the immature way you talk about both this girl, and her life before she met you, it sounds like you're just looking for a get out clause.

kylith · 14-05-2013 10:17am

needtotalkplease wrote: »

Thanks for the replies everyone, some thoughts I can relate to and others not so much.

I forgot to mention earlier that it wasn't a case of contraception failing, there was none/no method used.

I must reiterate that I am understanding of every aspect of her past except for this, nothing else bothers me in the slightest in regards to other partners, etc.

I guess when I break it down the difference in this situation is that pregnancy is a very meaningful and personal connection, as is abortion. She has shared this with somebody else who cared little for her. It is something that will 'burden' or be with her for the rest of her life and she won't forget who it was with. I don't think I have any bond with her as powerful as this, I don't think simply loving her is on that spectrum of 'togetherness' or connection.

I am very insecure about the whole situation as some of you have touched on but don't know how to overcome that. I get little solace from thinking I am the one she is with now, she had no say in the ending of the other 'relationship' (I use that very loosely for lack of a better term), it was he who wanted nothing to do with her and channeled his interests elsewhere. I can't help but think she ended up with the person she didn't want essentially.

I was thinking this relationship was a little bit different/special which she has also said. However, when I think of it like this is when the other aspects affect me more as they are tarnishing our relationship as such, I can't be the first to share such a special bond with her if that makes sense. I think I probably need to just look at this from a more 'fun' aspect and not be viewing it as the be all and end all of relationships or something very serious. That is unfortunate but I'm really at a loss to remove the negative and insecure thoughts apart from ending the relationship.

She no more has a special bond with this guy than she would with someone who'd run her over or mugged her. Having a 'special bond' would imply that she and he together decided to have a baby, but it didn't work out. In actuality she made a stupid mistake having unprotected sex, and she probably wishes every day of her life that she could forget about it.

To be honest, your expectation to share all major life events with someone is A) unrealistic and

a bit creepy. I don't know how old you both are, but by the time they're in a long term relationship most people tend to have done a lot of things, and if my OH suddenly confessed that he was feeling angry because I'd had an experience without him I would find it very strange.

Not to mention the fact that if she picks up on you feeling like a 'sucker' about 'picking up the pieces' because she told you what for her is probably a huge secret she will never tell you anything of import again. You will have shown her that she cannot share her past with you without you getting stroppy and she will probably not feel comfortable sharing anything with you in the future.

Seriously, get over the fact that she had unprotected sex with some guy and wound up getting pregnant. It doesn't seem to have been something which was planned. Either accept it and move on, or don't accept it and finish the relationship.

dee_mc · 14-05-2013 10:57am

needtotalkplease wrote: »

My partner had an abortion last year after engaging with someone for a few weeks. I'm really struggling to deal with the whole situation mentally and have a lot of anger that I don't know where to direct. It isn't really to do with the mechanics of being for/against abortion but more to do with my feelings on her. In a way I have such a high standard and opinion of her that doesn't correlate with her having unprotected sex, and I question are my views on her 'correct'. That probably comes across callous but they are my genuine feelings. I guess in a way the fact that she couldn't abstain from having unprotected sex for one night kind of means that it was obviously something she really enjoyed with the person in question. That makes me sick aswell and does have a major affect on our own sex life, I feel an added pressure to ensure ours is brilliant as I suspect theirs was by virtue of her willing to take a risk of getting pregnant. Probably doesn't help that I know the person in question either. I'm not sure what I'm really asking here but I would be grateful to hear any opinions on what people think of the whole situation and any advice you might have. thanks

I think you're underestimating the effect a recent abortion has had on you partner (yes, it effects her too, not just you).
Please please try to put yourself in her shoes: how would you feel if you had had a major, traumatic life experience, within a month met a person you could fall for, established some level of emotional intimacy with that person to the point that you could confide in them.
Now imagine finding that your trusted person feels like a chump for putting up with your emotional baggage (as your partner sees it), and that your partner is jealous of your former partner because you took a risk and put yourself in a dangerous position in the past, but are unwilling to repeat a mistake.
In her shoes OP, would you want to remain in a relationship with you?
The jealousy over not being the one to get your now partner pregnant because you would then share a bond is worrying.
Maybe it's time to look at your relationship and ask yourself why you guys are together, and what you have in common, because believe me, most people don't see unplanned, unwanted pregnancy followed by abortion as a relationship affirming, bonding experience.
I am not being flippant when I say I think you should consider counselling, because you have some issues that could be damaging to future relationships.
If I were you I would cut my losses based on what you've said on this forum, perhaps I missed something but I don't think you mentioned loving or even liking your partner, you don't seem to mention her affectionately, so maybe anger and jealousy have obliterated whatever you guys had initially.
You seem to have some anger about her casual encounters in the past, and I think you're determined to be cool with her past, but maybe figure out if you can ever be honestly ok with it, because if you're not I think it could lead to trust issues further down the line.
I hope you manage to work through these issues, and I hope your relationship survives it and is strengthened by it, if that's what both of you want, but trying to forget things that you clearly have a problem with isn't going to help either of you.

Lorna123 · 14-05-2013 2:36pm

needtotalkplease wrote: »

My partner had an abortion last year after engaging with someone for a few weeks. I'm really struggling to deal with the whole situation mentally and have a lot of anger that I don't know where to direct. It isn't really to do with the mechanics of being for/against abortion but more to do with my feelings on her. In a way I have such a high standard and opinion of her that doesn't correlate with her having unprotected sex, and I question are my views on her 'correct'. That probably comes across callous but they are my genuine feelings. I guess in a way the fact that she couldn't abstain from having unprotected sex for one night kind of means that it was obviously something she really enjoyed with the person in question. That makes me sick aswell and does have a major affect on our own sex life, I feel an added pressure to ensure ours is brilliant as I suspect theirs was by virtue of her willing to take a risk of getting pregnant. Probably doesn't help that I know the person in question either. I'm not sure what I'm really asking here but I would be grateful to hear any opinions on what people think of the whole situation and any advice you might have. thanks

OP you thought you had the ideal girl and now you are faced with the fact that she had unprotected sex that led to a pregnancy and an abortion and all this with someone you know. Could it be the fact that you know this guy that is eating at you? Does it make you sick to think that he got further than you as it were. I don't mean to be unkind when I say that but is the problem all about the fact that your girlfriend had a sex life with someone you know and before you. I can see how this would be off putting for you alright, and if this is the case then I can understand that you will need time to come to terms with this. You might have to break up with her if this is getting the better of you. If you knew before you started dating her about all of this then that's one thing but if you had put this girl on a pedestal and now found this out and everything is tumbling down then maybe, just maybe, she is not the right girl for you. Give yourself time to try and work this out but if after a few months you still feel the same then I don't think you will ever get over it. How long are you with your partner and have you just found this out or did you know all along.

The Corinthian · 15-05-2013 8:13am

needtotalkplease wrote: »

It isn't really to do with the mechanics of being for/against abortion but more to do with my feelings on her. In a way I have such a high standard and opinion of her that doesn't correlate with her having unprotected sex, and I question are my views on her 'correct'.

I think the question of abortion here is a bit of a distraction, as I suspect that had she gone through with the pregnancy and opted for adoption or even keeping the child, you'd feel the same.

So she didn't use a condom; it's dumb, but it happens. Indeed, I suspect 90% of sexually active adults have done this at least once, just as most have had at least one one-night-stand, or gotten dangerously drunk once in their lives or smoked a joint at least once or whatever.

Everyone has skeletons in their closet. Everyone screws up along the way. Everyone, sooner or later, picks up 'baggage'. You'll find very, very few people who have not done so by the time they're 35 or 40; be it a past abortion, or unsafe one-night-stand, or failed marriage, or child from a previous relationship/fling/one-night-stand, or past addiction, or whatever. It's part of the human condition. It's inevitable.

Why is this important to know? It is, because if you set your standards for the behaviour of others unrealistically high, it will ultimately sabotage all your future relationships, because the older you get, the more you will be seeking to be with someone who doesn't exist in real life.

So for lack of a better expression; grow up. If you fail to become realistic about life and people, you will be the one who will suffer for it in the long run. Unless you're lucky enough to screw up yourself along the way; which has a wonderful way of causing one to rethink these things.

So for your own sake, I strongly suggest you re-evaluate your 'standards'.

up for anything · 15-05-2013 5:29pm

needtotalkplease wrote: »

My partner had an abortion last year after engaging with someone for a few weeks. I'm really struggling to deal with the whole situation mentally and have a lot of anger that I don't know where to direct. It isn't really to do with the mechanics of being for/against abortion but more to do with my feelings on her. In a way I have such a high standard and opinion of her that doesn't correlate with her having unprotected sex, and I question are my views on her 'correct'. That probably comes across callous but they are my genuine feelings. I guess in a way the fact that she couldn't abstain from having unprotected sex for one night kind of means that it was obviously something she really enjoyed with the person in question. That makes me sick aswell and does have a major affect on our own sex life, I feel an added pressure to ensure ours is brilliant as I suspect theirs was by virtue of her willing to take a risk of getting pregnant. Probably doesn't help that I know the person in question either. I'm not sure what I'm really asking here but I would be grateful to hear any opinions on what people think of the whole situation and any advice you might have. thanks

It sounds to me like you put her up on a pedastal, OP, and when you discovered that she has feet of clay (according to you) that is is having a huge affect on your confidence which from what you say sounds like it was pretty low already. Your self-esteem seems to be reliant on her being like Caesar's wife - above reproach - which is not very healthy for you or for her.

You seem to be fixating on the fact that she had unprotected sex with him which must mean she was desperate to sleep with him and hang the consequences. I doubt that what she did with him was either thought out or considered at the time.

needtotalkplease wrote: »

I am totally understanding of her past, I know of someone else she slept with an consider that person a friend. It has no bearing on our relationship, well consciously anyway. I care little for her past relationships that actually were that. In this case it was like a series of acting like someone who I don't want to care about, would actually despise such behaviour to be honest.

I don't believe there is any danger of pushing her away because I am essentially the sucker picking up the pieces. I think she senses this aswell and feeds off the security of actually being with someone who cares for her, which wasn't the case with the other person as she found out. I definitely torture myself over it and am aware there is a lot of trust issues I now have for whatever reason, I just don't know how to deal with them.

You despise her behaviour. You describe yourself as a sucker. These are not the thoughts and words of someone who loves someone else - you are maybe infatuated or see her as some kind of security blanket but I doubt that you truly love her.

needtotalkplease wrote: »

I guess when I break it down the difference in this situation is that pregnancy is a very meaningful and personal connection, as is abortion. She has shared this with somebody else who cared little for her. It is something that will 'burden' or be with her for the rest of her life and she won't forget who it was with. I don't think I have any bond with her as powerful as this, I don't think simply loving her is on that spectrum of 'togetherness' or connection.

Yes, there is no connection as meaningful or any togetherness as complete as that of getting pregnant by someone who doesn't want to know and having to either make all the termination and travelling arrangements on your own or with someone else who can't wait to have their 'mistake' scraped out of your body. It's a really special connection. Not.

My advice would be to end the relationship instead of encouraging her dependence on you, the sucker. It doesn't sound to me like you actually like her very much, have any respect for her or should be considering a future with her. You 'love' her but now that your rose tinted spectacles have been scraped you aren't comfortable with either her past or your reaction to it. Let her go to find someone who will not judge her and find yourself some sort of counselling to sort out your own issues before you enter another relationship.

Partner had abortion

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