Living with a hoarder

fillefatale

I'm sure you're all familiar with the programmes on TV about this. I was wondering if anyone lived in this sort of situation?

My mother hoards, not to extremes - but enough stuff to fill a whole attic, an ensuite bathroom, 4 wardrobes, kitchen cupboards filled with things wrapped in plastic (about 2/3 are filled with stuff - fancy dishes and utensils that will never be used as we never have guests and she doesn't have any friends), still boxed, certain things we are not allowed to use or risk starting WW3 (forbidden from using the bath in the main bathroom, we have used the dishwasher once in 5 years, it's only used for storing kitchen ware), we have a conservatory that new sofas were purchased for, it has never been used, we have a 'good' sitting room that stores more stuff and is never used. I could go on and on. Essentially she purchases clothing and objects for the life she wants, but will never have, then she shouts at me and my brother about wasting money, yet I'm very much thrifty - pay for all my own things (incl food).

I'm 24, been living at home for over a year, and I'm feeling claustrophobic. I've recently started a job-bridge so can't afford to move out and pay rent for a few months. I've cried many nights over this whole living situation/the way she treats me, but it is what it is, and I was wondering if there was anyone else out there living in this situation? I am thinking of starting yoga classes, as the meditation/being out of the house might help.

Thanks.

fillefatale

fillefatale wrote: »

I'm sure you're all familiar with the programmes on TV about this. I was wondering if anyone lived in this sort of situation?

My mother hoards, not to extremes - but enough stuff to fill a whole attic, an ensuite bathroom, 4 wardrobes, kitchen cupboards filled with things wrapped in plastic (about 2/3 are filled with stuff - fancy dishes and utensils that will never be used as we never have guests and she doesn't have any friends), still boxed, certain things we are not allowed to use or risk starting WW3 (forbidden from using the bath in the main bathroom, we have used the dishwasher once in 5 years, it's only used for storing kitchen ware), we have a conservatory that new sofas were purchased for, it has never been used, we have a 'good' sitting room that stores more stuff and is never used. I could go on and on. Essentially she purchases clothing and objects for the life she wants, but will never have, then she shouts at me and my brother about wasting money, yet I'm very much thrifty - pay for all my own things (incl food).

I'm 24, been living at home for over a year, and I'm feeling claustrophobic. I've recently started a job-bridge so can't afford to move out and pay rent for a few months. I've cried many nights over this whole living situation/the way she treats me, but it is what it is, and I was wondering if there was anyone else out there living in this situation? I am thinking of starting yoga classes, as the meditation/being out of the house might help.

Thanks.

Yep, been there. My parents' house is full of stuff, some really expensive stuff, that never/barely ever gets used. Rooms where you can barely open the door because they're full of crap.

The most important thing in your situation, though, is to remember that you're an adult. You're 24 and well past the age where your mother is responsible for looking after you. You really have no right to tell your mother what she can/can't do or spend her money on or how to live because she's essentially doing you a favour. What she spends her money on has nothing to do with you. The only option you really have is to put up with it, because trying to solve the problem is pretty much impossible without a major intervention (counselling etc). Create a nice clear space for yourself in your room, try not to spend any time amongst the mess, get out of the house as much as possible (classes, walks, library, friend's house) and start thinking about how to move out.

kjl

Lara Weak Bowler wrote: »

Yep, been there. My parents' house is full of stuff, some really expensive stuff, that never/barely ever gets used. Rooms where you can barely open the door because they're full of crap.

The most important thing in your situation, though, is to remember that you're an adult. You're 24 and well past the age where your mother is responsible for looking after you. You really have no right to tell your mother what she can/can't do or spend her money on or how to live because she's essentially doing you a favour. What she spends her money on has nothing to do with you. The only option you really have is to put up with it, because trying to solve the problem is pretty much impossible without a major intervention (counselling etc). Create a nice clear space for yourself in your room, try not to spend any time amongst the mess, get out of the house as much as possible (classes, walks, library, friend's house) and start thinking about how to move out.

This response is a cop out in my opinion. My mother is very similar to the OP and I would like to find a way to help her and not just leave her in her mess.

Oryx

I have experience of a hoarder, who I have helped to declutter in a limited way. (A cure is beyond me ) It is an exhausting and time consuming process, and a little soul destroying because they undo the clean up pretty quickly.

The most important thing to understand is that their stuff is not just 'stuff'. Every single thing has an emotional attachment to them, from old letters to used wrapping paper. Getting rid of something is painful and hard, like getting rid of their right arm. If you want to help, they need to trust you, and you need to go slowly through everything and get their permission to let it go. The worst thing you could do is clean up and dump things without checking with them. They will never trust you to help again. Take it slowly, one room or one section at a time. You'll never get rid of it all, but you can control it. I've found that the more used to getting rid of things they are, the easier it is, and the longer it takes for the hoard to build again.

Donating items to charity can be a big help for them in coming to terms with letting go, as the items are not being dumped and wasted.

kjl

kjl wrote: »

This response is a cop out in my opinion. My mother is very similar to the OP and I would like to find a way to help her and not just leave her in her mess.

I don't see where the OP is asking how to solve her mother's problem. She's worried about how it affects her, living in this situation. The title 'Living with a hoarder' might have given you a clue as to the perspective of the OP. She didn't ask 'how can I help my hoarding mother?', which is an entirely different and much more complicated kettle of fish. I assumed that, like most children of hoarders, OP is well past the 'what can I do about it?' stage and is now just looking for a way to live with it until she can get away.

If you have some advice to offer instead of just criticising the advice I took the time to post as someone who grew up in a similar situation, do feel free to share.

username123

A totally different situation, but I grew up with an alcoholic and an enabling mother - by that I mean she would do anything to keep the peace.

However, dysfunction is dysfunction and hoarding is a dysfunctional way to be. I suspect I have a minor case of it myself. I am inclined to believe (simply through my own experiences) that you cannot really help another person - until they come to you for help. You certainly cant change another person.

Given the OP is asking how to cope themselves, I would suggest that you find out if there is any support group you can go to or join online. There must be plenty of other people living in the same circumstances.

I would also head down to Citizens Info and ask what entitlements exist should you decide to move out, rent allowance etc.. clearly you are already in the system on Jobridge, so find out what else there is.

I would advise you to try and live your own life and get away from things as much as you can. Its important not to enable these behaviours too so try not to do that.

Above all I feel knowledge gives us power so perhaps some research into the psychology of hoarding?

DublinWriter

I'd think that hoarding is never taken seriously as a psychological condition by the CBT profession, it's treated as something 'cute' to be dealt with by reality television; in reality hoarding is as devastating as alcoholism in damaging families.

From my own experience of hoarders in my own family, I see it as building a kind of emotional 'armour' demonstrated by the phrase they constantly use 'I might *need* this later', the need being a kind of emotional displacement for some current emotional need being offset by a possible future physical need.

fillefatale

Lara Weak Bowler wrote: »

Yep, been there. My parents' house is full of stuff, some really expensive stuff, that never/barely ever gets used. Rooms where you can barely open the door because they're full of crap.

The most important thing in your situation, though, is to remember that you're an adult. You're 24 and well past the age where your mother is responsible for looking after you. You really have no right to tell your mother what she can/can't do or spend her money on or how to live because she's essentially doing you a favour. What she spends her money on has nothing to do with you. The only option you really have is to put up with it, because trying to solve the problem is pretty much impossible without a major intervention (counselling etc). Create a nice clear space for yourself in your room, try not to spend any time amongst the mess, get out of the house as much as possible (classes, walks, library, friend's house) and start thinking about how to move out.

I don't cast judgement on how she spends her money, not openly, she is always renovating something or other and I try not to engage in it, ie, encourage her to spend more money on something that will never be used, but I get drawn in as she relentlessly asks me for an opinion on a paint colour etc. I do appreciate living at home, and I do cook/clean, but then her behaviours take over and I am told how useless I am (presumably as I am not halfway to marriage and living independently working in an occupation I am deeply unhappy/unsuited to) - it's difficult to feel like an adult, which is I am, but as I am without a sufficient income, she doesn't see me that way.

I have encouraged her to engage in hobbies, but these are always short-lived and she remains at home, agonising over the 'mess' of her house, but if you've lived with that, you'll know how hoarders go on about their stuff.

I know counseling will never be an option, I guess what I'm really looking for people who have lived with this, gotten through it, or how they're currently coping.

Faith

It's funny, OP, I had almost the exact opposite problem. My mother can't hold on to anything. She constantly wants to throw stuff out. Anything I put down outside of my bedroom is immediately tidied away or put pointedly on my bed - I'm talking about something as small as a letter. She constantly nags me to 'go through my wardrobe and throw stuff out', even though as a student, I can't afford to buy much and don't have the luxury of replacing things I throw out! Her house is like a show-house constantly, with not so much as a pen out of place. She'll drag me away from a task just to put a spoon in the dishwasher.

I moved out, largely because of that behaviour, but still occasionally stay there for periods (I'm living abroad right now, so say over Christmas). I'm finishing a Masters in Psychology right now, and I still have no idea how to deal with it. I can imagine exactly how frustrated you feel. I tried explaining to my mum how unwelcome her behaviour made me feel, but she just called me messy and said I was the one in the wrong.

The thing is, and I know this isn't what you want to hear, but it's your mum's house and unfortunately she makes the rules. You're listed as living in Sligo. With Jobbridge, you should be getting €238 a week? I managed to live in Cork city on about that amount working part time in a shop. It wasn't fun being so poor, but it beat the hell out of living at home.

Someone once said to me when I was thinking of moving out - "It never feels like you can afford it", but if you put your mind to it, you can afford it on job bridge - especially if you apply for rent allowance too. You can meditate until the cows come home, but I really think the only way you'll feel truly happy about your living situation is if you move out. There's over 30 properties advertised on daft.ie right now in Sligo renting out a room at €250 or less a month. My advice is to draw up a budget, see exactly how much money you have coming in and going out each month, see what corners you can cut to save money, and make a plan to move out. It might take a month or two to save up enough for the first month's rent and deposit, but living at home will be much more manageable when you know you're leaving.

ivytwine

Faith wrote: »

It's funny, OP, I had almost the exact opposite problem. My mother can't hold on to anything. She constantly wants to throw stuff out. Anything I put down outside of my bedroom is immediately tidied away or put pointedly on my bed - I'm talking about something as small as a letter. She constantly nags me to 'go through my wardrobe and throw stuff out', even though as a student, I can't afford to buy much and don't have the luxury of replacing things I throw out! Her house is like a show-house constantly, with not so much as a pen out of place. She'll drag me away from a task just to put a spoon in the dishwasher.

I moved out, largely because of that behaviour, but still occasionally stay there for periods (I'm living abroad right now, so say over Christmas). I'm finishing a Masters in Psychology right now, and I still have no idea how to deal with it. I can imagine exactly how frustrated you feel. I tried explaining to my mum how unwelcome her behaviour made me feel, but she just called me messy and said I was the one in the wrong.

The thing is, and I know this isn't what you want to hear, but it's your mum's house and unfortunately she makes the rules. You're listed as living in Sligo. With Jobbridge, you should be getting €238 a week? I managed to live in Cork city on about that amount working part time in a shop. It wasn't fun being so poor, but it beat the hell out of living at home.

Someone once said to me when I was thinking of moving out - "It never feels like you can afford it", but if you put your mind to it, you can afford it on job bridge - especially if you apply for rent allowance too. You can meditate until the cows come home, but I really think the only way you'll feel truly happy about your living situation is if you move out. There's over 30 properties advertised on daft.ie right now in Sligo renting out a room at €250 or less a month. My advice is to draw up a budget, see exactly how much money you have coming in and going out each month, see what corners you can cut to save money, and make a plan to move out. It might take a month or two to save up enough for the first month's rent and deposit, but living at home will be much more manageable when you know you're leaving.

She might be only getting €190 if she's under 25.

Op, is it just you and your mother at home? Are there any other family members you can stay with, even a night a week, just to give you a break?

fillefatale

Faith wrote: »

It's funny, OP, I had almost the exact opposite problem. My mother can't hold on to anything. She constantly wants to throw stuff out. Anything I put down outside of my bedroom is immediately tidied away or put pointedly on my bed - I'm talking about something as small as a letter. She constantly nags me to 'go through my wardrobe and throw stuff out', even though as a student, I can't afford to buy much and don't have the luxury of replacing things I throw out! Her house is like a show-house constantly, with not so much as a pen out of place. She'll drag me away from a task just to put a spoon in the dishwasher.

I moved out, largely because of that behaviour, but still occasionally stay there for periods (I'm living abroad right now, so say over Christmas). I'm finishing a Masters in Psychology right now, and I still have no idea how to deal with it. I can imagine exactly how frustrated you feel. I tried explaining to my mum how unwelcome her behaviour made me feel, but she just called me messy and said I was the one in the wrong.

The thing is, and I know this isn't what you want to hear, but it's your mum's house and unfortunately she makes the rules. You're listed as living in Sligo. With Jobbridge, you should be getting €238 a week? I managed to live in Cork city on about that amount working part time in a shop. It wasn't fun being so poor, but it beat the hell out of living at home.

Someone once said to me when I was thinking of moving out - "It never feels like you can afford it", but if you put your mind to it, you can afford it on job bridge - especially if you apply for rent allowance too. You can meditate until the cows come home, but I really think the only way you'll feel truly happy about your living situation is if you move out. There's over 30 properties advertised on daft.ie right now in Sligo renting out a room at €250 or less a month. My advice is to draw up a budget, see exactly how much money you have coming in and going out each month, see what corners you can cut to save money, and make a plan to move out. It might take a month or two to save up enough for the first month's rent and deposit, but living at home will be much more manageable when you know you're leaving.

I'm sorry to hear about your situation OP. I get €170 a week, I'm saving gradually toward ... something, as well as learning to drive, so I'm not left with much at the end of the week. I still haven't got a 'plan' yet, if the job bridge doesn't work out, I'll probably change city or emigrate. I do intend to move out in the autumn, for certain. I'm worried I am imitating some of her behaviours, in holding onto stuff so I'm trying to clear things out gradually over the summer.

Your last paragraph is really, really good advice and I'll definitely take that on board.

Queen-Mise

My neighbour is a hoarder. She will acknowledge being a a compulsive shopper - is constantly buying clothes in charity & second hand shops. The house is full from floor to ceiling of clothes, knick knacks, pictures, pots, pans, etc. She has seven frying pans all stacked up in the kitchen, but uses every one of them for different things (none of them cost more than a tenner). Has FIVE large freezers full of food & some of them she can't even get in to.

I have no real advice to give. I know it can be a very serious psychological condition and can get very extreme. I know it is about control, as in having control over your environment, type stuff.

I'd suggest the idea from Alanon, (they obviously talk about it in relation to the actions of alcoholics, but the principle/philosophy might help you): Detach with love. Detach from your mam's behaviour & hoarding, whilst still appreciating/loving her as your mother.

username123

Queen-Mise wrote: »

I'd suggest the idea from Alanon, (they obviously talk about it in relation to the actions of alcoholics, but the principle/philosophy might help you): Detach with love. Detach from your mam's behaviour & hoarding, whilst still appreciating/loving her as your mother.

+1

Im not sure how easy it is to do while still living in the situation though. I detached from "my" alcoholic but not with love and only when I no longer lived under the same roof.

Its very hard to detach from it when it literally affects your day to day normal activities (like putting a dish in the dishwasher). Very hard indeed.