Worried about my sister

LegacyUser

my youngest sister still lives at home with my parents shes 26 and hasent worked in 6 years shes done a few courses but for the past 2 to 3 years has just being on the dole, she sits in her room all day most days with the curtains closed on her laptop on facebook twitter etc, and watches tv all day, now she has friends and does leave the room at weekends to meet them and head out and stuff but mid week its like she only leaves the room to get food, this cant be healthy for any1 and my parents are very annoyed over this, what advise can people give me here? there is noway she will go back to college as she went back as a mature student and hated it, thank you

username123

She is basically free loading off the state and your parents because she is allowed. Your parents should ask her to move out.

It's hard to stand on your own two feet while other people are always propping you up.

ted1

username123 wrote: »

She is basically free loading off the state and your parents because she is allowed. Your parents should ask her to move out.

It's hard to stand on your own two feet while other people are always propping you up.

And if she was to move out, with the absence of a job it would be the state propping her up.

If she can't get a job, perhaps she should immigrate or fix the reason why she is unemployed

username123

ted1 wrote: »

And if she was to move out, with the absence of a job it would be the state propping her up.

If she can't get a job, perhaps she should immigrate or fix the reason why she is unemployed

The state already is propping her up. At home she has utilities, full food cupboards, full fridge, washing machine on demand etc. If she had to provide all that for herself she might take looking for work more seriously.

borabora

What does she say about it?! Does she seem depressed in any way?

LegacyUser

she has her down days like who wouldnt sitting in the house all week long and not seeing any1, she says she cant get work and is applying for jobs but i think shes so afraid to get out in the real world shes being at home with her 200 euro dole and bills and food payed for for so long now,its whats shes used to, i dont know how she does it i need to get out and about and work and see people everyday i would go stir crazy sitting on a laptop on facebook all day

Princess Peach

Without knowing her, it does remind me of how I behaved when my depression was at its worst sometimes. Staying in bed in the dark most days browsing pretty much nothing online. Family just called me lazy But really I just couldn't find the emotional strength or motivation to do much else.

Have a chat to her and see if you can get more of an idea of how she is doing.

ShaShaBear

I would definitely call that depression and not free-loading. She needs some help.

Taltos

Can I remind posters that offering a medical diagnosis is against site rules and on this forum can result in a ban.

Taltos

username123

username123 wrote: »

She is basically free loading off the state and your parents because she is allowed. Your parents should ask her to move out.

It's hard to stand on your own two feet while other people are always propping you up.

This is Personal Issues, not Politics. That is no advice at all, just a political attack on the OP's sis. I suppose your next advice would be to "eliminate" her as surplus to requirements?

OP, as someone with an elder brother in the same situation, I know how you feel. All you can do is encourage her to look for work. Find out what she likes, what she would really *want* to do, and encourage her to push for it.

Also let her look up Open University.

username123

Deleted User wrote: »

This is Personal Issues, not Politics. That is no advice at all, just a political attack on the OP's sis.

No, no political attack - its a pragmatic assessment of the situation as given in the original post. I do not dismiss your opinion by becoming petty and personal I would ask you show the same courtesy.

OP - is she asked to contribute to the household in any way? Hand up housekeeping money, do chores, help manintain the place (garden, paint whatever?). And if not why not? Is she actually applying for jobs or just claiming to? I dont understand how she has managed to stay on the dole for 6 years and not been prodded by social welfare to go on a Fas course or even a jobbridge or something. This is not a political attack - simply an observation - normally after a year on the dole the start getting interested in getting your name off the live register into some other scheme and you risk losing your money otherwise. This can also be prompted by the claimant, if there was a Fas course she was interested in she could go and ask to be put on it.

Quite simply, if she is just let off to stay in the room and do nothing - well then why would she bother doing anything? She will of course have a lack of confidence from doing nothing for so long but your parents have enabled this by allowing it to go on for so long - they havent done her any favours - (if you feel medical issues are at play she should be brought to a doctor). Whats more likely imo, is that this situation has been allowed to develop and now you have a person who is used to the comforts of the 188 a week with no food/utility/rent or any other bill - why would she want to change that?

We dont have to invoke mental health issues for everything, she may simply be used to the handy life and is unwilling or unable to change without some kind of prompting - well being asked to move out will give her that prompt. Im not suggesting she is thrown out on the side of the road - but given a reasonable time frame to get things sorted and move on.

LegacyUser

I was just going to say.. do you really think she spend her whole time on twitter and facebook and watches tv all day.

There's a difference between being on dole and having the life, going out, meeting people,.. etc and
being on the dole and staying in your room all day.

That shouts out a problem to me. she sounds like she's got depression.
When i went through a very bad phase, i "was busy" in my room and spent a lot of time inside.

I came on to places like BOARDS and told people how upset and down i was and how i'd not life..
so i'd wait a while before judging her.

ShaShaBear

username123 wrote: »

No, no political attack - its a pragmatic assessment of the situation as given in the original post. I do not dismiss your opinion by becoming petty and personal I would ask you show the same courtesy.

OP - is she asked to contribute to the household in any way? Hand up housekeeping money, do chores, help manintain the place (garden, paint whatever?). And if not why not? Is she actually applying for jobs or just claiming to? I dont understand how she has managed to stay on the dole for 6 years and not been prodded by social welfare to go on a Fas course or even a jobbridge or something. This is not a political attack - simply an observation - normally after a year on the dole the start getting interested in getting your name off the live register into some other scheme and you risk losing your money otherwise. This can also be prompted by the claimant, if there was a Fas course she was interested in she could go and ask to be put on it.

Quite simply, if she is just let off to stay in the room and do nothing - well then why would she bother doing anything? She will of course have a lack of confidence from doing nothing for so long but your parents have enabled this by allowing it to go on for so long - they havent done her any favours - (if you feel medical issues are at play she should be brought to a doctor). Whats more likely imo, is that this situation has been allowed to develop and now you have a person who is used to the comforts of the 188 a week with no food/utility/rent or any other bill - why would she want to change that?

We dont have to invoke mental health issues for everything, she may simply be used to the handy life and is unwilling or unable to change without some kind of prompting - well being asked to move out will give her that prompt. Im not suggesting she is thrown out on the side of the road - but given a reasonable time frame to get things sorted and move on.

Most people I know who have the wish to stay on the dole with no commitments have a much more extravagant lifestyle and social life than locking themselves in their room. I know if I had 188 a week to blow on nothing, I'd be partying, shopping, going on holidays and generally living the good life. I certainly wouldn't be sitting in the dark all day.

username123

ShaShaBear wrote: »

Most people I know who have the wish to stay on the dole with no commitments have a much more extravagant lifestyle and social life than locking themselves in their room. I know if I had 188 a week to blow on nothing, I'd be partying, shopping, going on holidays and generally living the good life. I certainly wouldn't be sitting in the dark all day.

And I know people who earn a lot more who sit in the dark gaming for pratically every hour they are not in work? Whats your point? How you would choose to live in such circumstances is not relevant. The girl goes out socialising at the weekend, perhaps she spends her money on that?

LegacyUser

she doesent give my parents a penny spends all her money on clothes, nights out, make up, takeaways, its very sad a 26 year old that doesent leave her room she should be out and about meeting people and enjoying life, i really dont know what to do

username123

alfa224 wrote: »

she doesent give my parents a penny spends all her money on clothes, nights out, make up, takeaways, its very sad a 26 year old that doesent leave her room she should be out and about meeting people and enjoying life, i really dont know what to do

Surely when she goes on nights out wearing the said make up and clothes she is out and about meeting people and enjoying life?

LegacyUser

yes fair point but you cant enjoy life sitting in a dark room 5 or 6 days a week!

username123

alfa224 wrote: »

yes fair point but you cant enjoy life sitting in a dark room 5 or 6 days a week!

What does she say about it, have you talked to her about it?

LegacyUser

she says there is no work out there and she is looking for jobs all the time on the internet, but this has being going on far too long,

username123

What about FAS courses or the like, Im surprised social welfare havent been after her to go on a course, anyone I know who has lost their job in recent years has been hounded by social welfare once the year of Jobseekers Benefit is up.

How is she still getting social welfare, do they not ask for proof of jobseeking etc? I can understand getting away with it for a while, but 6 years?

LegacyUser

she did do a fas course around 3 years ago but it was her own choice, the social welfare didint make her do it, it was only for 5 or 6 months tho, what id like to know does any1 know any1 in the same boat and how they handle it as i need to give my parents some advice, they cant take much more of this

zef

Hi OP,
I think she should hand up money for her keep for a start.
She could also look up applying as a mature student for the next academic year-2014, anything from Arts to nursing.
This academic year - 2013 - she could maybe do an access course, a fetac or a PLC as a mature student.
If she cannot get a job she might as well study something she's interested in.
Are you a little resentful of her lifestyle?
Is their a lot of arguments or what that your folks can't take any more of?

Big Bag of Chips

What are you parents doing about it? Are they doing anything? Start by asking her for €50 a week. Then tell her, not ask, to get out and look for work. Tell her to go to shops/pubs/offices and hand in her CV in person.

Tell her that obviously what she is doing is not working, so she needs to try a different approach.

She has a fine life sitting around doing nothing, having everything done for her and plenty money in her pocket... She has no incentive to change. That incentive must come from your parents, and difficult as it may be for them, they have to stop making life so comfortable for her.

LegacyUser

resentful no i feel sorry for her, i have a job that im happy in and it pains me to see a young girl waste her life doing nothing all day, it cant be good for her to not leave the room for one day to the next, thanks for all the advice

username123

OP your posts are literally like trying to get blood from a stone.

Im not clear on what exactly the issue is. If its simply that you dont agree with her lifestyle because you think its a waste, well - you cant control how other people live. If its that your parents have a pain in their face with her doing nothing, then they need to make it less comfortable for her - get her to make a financial contribution, ask her to move out, get her doing chores around the place, whatever. If you think she is suffering from mental health issues, then try to get her to a doctor.

LegacyUser

your not clear on what the issue is? are you being serious you think its normal for a girl in her mid twentys to not leave the house all week?

Wanderer2010

username123 wrote: »

What about FAS courses or the like, Im surprised social welfare havent been after her to go on a course, anyone I know who has lost their job in recent years has been hounded by social welfare once the year of Jobseekers Benefit is up.

How is she still getting social welfare, do they not ask for proof of jobseeking etc? I can understand getting away with it for a while, but 6 years?

Members of a waster family who live near me have been on the dole for 15 years and has never had their dole cut off once, they tend to use excuses like back pain and depression to get a GP to sign them off and they have been doing this for years now, even in the middle of the Celtic Tiger. The system rarely targets who it needs to, just a few from the middle to satisfy quotas etc.

username123

alfa224 wrote: »

your not clear on what the issue is? are you being serious you think its normal for a girl in her mid twentys to not leave the house all week?

Did you miss the rest of my post?

username123 wrote: »

If its simply that you dont agree with her lifestyle because you think its a waste, well - you cant control how other people live. If its that your parents have a pain in their face with her doing nothing, then they need to make it less comfortable for her - get her to make a financial contribution, ask her to move out, get her doing chores around the place, whatever. If you think she is suffering from mental health issues, then try to get her to a doctor.

catrionanic

the dole is €188 per week for a single person living with parents?! that's mad. up north its £50ish for under 25s and £74 thereafter.

why would anyone get a minimum wage job when they can earn that much doing nothing?!

LegacyUser

I find it hard to understand how someone staying in bed all week with the curtains closed gets a new lease of life at the weekend and manages to pull themselves together to go out socialising then reverts back to form from Monday to Friday. She needs to get out of her comfort zone which can be difficult but can be done if encouraged and supported. It's a gradual process and instead of looking at jobs on the internet which she realistically is not going to get she should start by volunteering or taking up a CE Scheme or Job Bridge position. You could perhaps arrange to go along with her to the local FAS office and help her get the ball rolling. Perhaps she could start by looking at reception or admin type roles under these initiatives of if she has some other skill or talent she could utilise. It is actually possible for someone to turn their life around and she will probably be delighted with herself once she takes those first few steps and builds on the momentum but sounds like she needs help to get kick started and get out of the rut.

LegacyUser

She can apply for internships if she's on the dole. I've been unemployed for long periods feeling down is part and parcel of it. She needs to exercise and look for work experience. You have to find out what motivates her and then capitalize on it. Everyone is different.

JustAThought

Fair dues to you for caring so much about your sister & looking for a solution.

You can spend ages faffing about on a PC all day ( thou 6 years is a long time to be doing it). It sounds like she's still behaving like someone in school -only with the weekend lifestyle of someone working.

Could you try helping her put a better structure on her day .if money was an issue - if you got her a morning only membership for a gym she might like that -or a yoga class -or a running group - that could structure her morning & give her a ( free) incentive to get up & out & more importantly to be with " normal" people bigger than her current circle of friends with different outlooks & life aims.

A great thing could be somewhere she could volunteer -maybe one day or mornings a week - not necessarily an internship that will tie her down although it dounds like s good something at this stage would really help her CV, but something that will get her out and being useful and meeting people .-where are you based OP? I have a zillion suggestions for Dublin!!!

She is in a dead end at the moment & by 30 could easily be unemployable if she keeps it up. Perhaps a mini motivation? If you could get her to dress up & take her somewhere young and buzzing for lunch/meal - let her see what a nice lifestyle having money can bring ; maybe ask if she knows it is possible. & that this is the standard that the majority ("") have - would she not like to Be part of it too...

Perhaps give her an indication of how much more money she could have -maybe she thinks e200 a week is a lot ...

You said college was a disaster: why was this-wrong course? Not " suited" to studying? Perhaps you could try & see & work from there what might suite or be of interest or if her secret dream has changed now that she's had time to see a few different elements of work/life. She might be better suited to some different type of role/skill - maybe she has a secret unspoken dream.

There are reading & writers groups that meet weekly - libraries & the Writers Centre in Dublin, there are crèches who would perhaps take on someone half a day a week to get experience, the libraries are full of posters of clubs etc & various volunteer need signs - try finding a few & seeing if they might suite. I was good with horses & years ago used this to just turn up & ask if they needed volunteers to help with special meeds riding groups -turned out they were desperate. There's lodes of things that can be done - I think the golden bullet is a structure . Perhaps your parents can help with this - new rule -out of bedroom by 11(am).

It's easy to fart around online & get distracted. Get an A4 ledger & help her get organised. Let her list the week & the name of the job, contact details & date applied for. then she can see how few/many roles she has gone for weekly & have a more clear view on her time management.

You could also maybe help her out & ask if you could see her CV. -after 6 years you must get sick of the same ritual & CV - maybe she could do with another pair of eyes there & maybe she can't " see" it anymore. Perhaps you could modify the layout for her & use the excuse of there being a huge gap to get her into some volunteering to explain what she's been doing :0

Good luck with it -you sound like a really good brother.

Big Bag of Chips

OP, you don't think it's normal. Your parents don't think it's normal. We don't think it's normal... but that's all irrelevant. It's normal for your sister.

She is a 26 year old woman - with no adult responsibility at all. She lives rent free. Has everything handed to her, food, clean washing, a clean and tidy house, free money to spend on nothing but herself. What's the incentive for her to start standing on her own two feet?

People are suggesting various things you (or your parents) can do, and you seem to be ignoring most of them, preferring instead to explain how your parents are fed up, how you are worried, how such a thing didn't work out etc..

She may be depressed (as that seems to be the angle you are heading for?).. You can't diagnoses. Your parents can't diagnose. Neither can your sister, and neither can anyone here. The only one who can say she is is her GP.

It is possible, though... it is equally as possible that she has gotten herself stuck in a rut. But it's a rut that she seems happy enough to stay in because there is no incentive for her to get out. Life is comfortable for her. She doesn't have to work and she still has enough money to look good and go out with her friends at the weekends... Why work? Because you think she should? Because it's what 'normal' people do? She probably thinks 'normal' people are suckers!!

She doesn't live in the real world. She is a woman living a teenage existence. Because nobody is treating her like an adult.

It's time for your parents to toughen up. They are doing her no favours by looking after her.

They need to take at least €50 from her for rent [Edit: Either that or wait for a bill to come in and then AND when a bill comes in , end edit!] divide it by the number of people living in the house and tell her that is what she owes for her portion. Doing that with heat, ESB, weekly food shop etc for a while won't be long about getting a move under her to find more money, or somewhere else to live. Right now she has enough money for everything she likes.

Get her to cook the dinner some days. Get her to clean the house, cut the grass, wash the windows.. make her work in the house the same as she would if she lived there independently. The problem is not necessarily your sister, but everyone around her who is making life easy for her. She is not independent, because she has no need to be. It is irrelevant that you would go crazy staying home all day and not working or getting out. It is irrelevant that you think it is not right. It is irrelevant what you think.. because your sister doesn't think like you do.

If your parents really want to help her to function like a "normal" adult, then they need to take away her cosy little life that she has, and make things difficult for her. Because being an adult is difficult!

Curry Addict

unemployment in her age group is around 25%. its very depressing to constantly apply for jobs in a market where labor is so cheap and jobs are so thin on the ground and there is no end in sight. the feeling of no future or something to build on.
its a very difficult time for her or anyone trying to build a life against the odds. She probably needs your positive support. negativity is not going to accomplish anything here so whatever you do, do it with a positive spirit.