Am I wasting my life

Tiamii

I'm hoping for some advice from people who may have been in my position before, Iv been with my boyfriend 5 years well 6 in July but ill admit it has been very rocky, we met quite young and we went alot together I love him alot but the problem is we live 45 mins apart he lives with his patents and I live with my son, he has always drove to mine n stayed over but the problem is there's no commitment, Iv asked him to move in as he practically lives n mine like he will come down every evening he's off work ( he works week on, week off) he stays over but he will always leave the next morn,even at weekends when he's off n I don't understand why he does it? I feel kinda used after, he dosent offer to help with bills or interact with my child even though he's been around him 5 years, don't get me wrong he acknowledges him but he never tries to bond with him which I feel sad about, he buys dinner and take always when he's there but my friends point out it's only because that's benefiting him, when I talk about commitment he says were not ready but I feel it's a cop out, it's been this long how he is not ready? I have to add he's spoilt rotten at home his mum dosent make him pay rent or for food and his dad pays off his loans and his car insurance infact his dad actually gave him a car so I can't help but feel I'm wasting my life on a man that isn't capable of committing to Anyone because he's never had to fend for himself! We're both 28 now I really don't want to b 30 n still in this circus what can I do I love him to bits n I'd give anything to b with him forever but I feel like I'm wasting my life .,,,please help

December2012

You've asked him for commitment and he won't give it.

You're not happy with things as they are.

You're not happy about the relationship he has with your child.

Real question is why are you still with him in this unsatisfactory relationship?

Tiamii

December2012 wrote: »

You've asked him for commitment and he won't give it.

You're not happy with things as they are.

You're not happy about the relationship he has with your child.

Real question is why are you still with him in this unsatisfactory relationship?

Thanks for the reply I guess I'm just hoping he will change and part of me dosent want to be alone

December2012

Better to be alone and have self respect than be alone while going out with somebody who doesn't want the same as you.

Stavro Mueller

Fear of being alone traps people in situations they'd be better off out of.

I'm sorry OP but this guy looks like he's picking and choosing the bits that suit him. Companionship in the evenings, a warm bed at night. It's telling that he's refusing to commit and heads for the hills in the mornings. I wouldn't go so far as to say he's using you but it's not that far off.

What you also should be thinking about seriously is the effect this will have on your son. How do you think the little chap feels/will feel that there's this bloke in his house who sleeps with his mother but has no interest in him as a person?

You say you hope he'll change. He has had 5 years to do this and hasn't.

Tiamii

cymbaline wrote: »

Fear of being alone traps people in situations they'd be better off out of.

I'm sorry OP but this guy looks like he's picking and choosing the bits that suit him. Companionship in the evenings, a warm bed at night. It's telling that he's refusing to commit and heads for the hills in the mornings. I wouldn't go so far as to say he's using you but it's not that far off.

What you also should be thinking about seriously is the effect this will have on your son. How do you think the little chap feels/will feel that there's this bloke in his house who sleeps with his mother but has no interest in him as a person?

You say you hope he'll change. He has had 5 years to do this and hasn't.

Ya my thoughts exactly, he keeps saying it will happen for us in the future but frankly I think Iv given him enough time to make an effort. At the start he used to invite me up to his town on nights out but the last 3 years once things started getting very rocky between us he goes out with his friends from his home town on random nights out and never invites me, I once tested him by saying I'd be in the area I could meet him for a drink and he threw a fit n told me I wouldn't be welcome as it was a boys night, I know he's kissed other girls when we have broken up in the past, he went through a phase of starting a random pointless argument on a Friday and breaking u

Tiamii

Tiamii wrote: »

Ya my thoughts exactly, he keeps saying it will happen for us in the future but frankly I think Iv given him enough time to make an effort. At the start he used to invite me up to his town on nights out but the last 3 years once things started getting very rocky between us he goes out with his friends from his home town on random nights out and never invites me, I once tested him by saying I'd be in the area I could meet him for a drink and he threw a fit n told me I wouldn't be welcome as it was a boys night, I know he's kissed other girls when we have broken up in the past, he went through a phase of starting a random pointless argument on a Friday and breaking up with me n then he would go out and kiss girls on the sat night and then beg for me back on the Sunday of course I didn't find out all this till lately and he didn't even tell me it came out in a conversation with a girl from his town who thought we broke up years ago as he's obv been acting single when he's there so u see my point it suits him to still b living at home it's like he's living a double life

Tiamii

cymbaline wrote: »

Fear of being alone traps people in situations they'd be better off out of.

I'm sorry OP but this guy looks like he's picking and choosing the bits that suit him. Companionship in the evenings, a warm bed at night. It's telling that he's refusing to commit and heads for the hills in the mornings. I wouldn't go so far as to say he's using you but it's not that far off.

What you also should be thinking about seriously is the effect this will have on your son. How do you think the little chap feels/will feel that there's this bloke in his house who sleeps with his mother but has no interest in him as a person?

You say you hope he'll change. He has had 5 years to do this and hasn't.

Ya my thoughts exactly, he keeps saying it will happen for us in the future but frankly I think Iv given him enough time to make an effort. At the start he used to invite me up to his town on nights out but the last 3 years once things started getting very rocky between us he goes out with his friends from his home town on random nights out and never invites me, I once tested him by saying I'd be in the area I could meet him for a drink and he threw a fit n told me I wouldn't be welcome as it was a boys night, I know he's kissed other girls when we have broken up in the past, he went through a phase of starting a random pointless argument on a Friday and breaking up with me n then he would go out and kiss girls on the sat night and then beg for me back on the Sunday of course I didn't find out all this till lately and he didn't even tell me it came out in a conversation with a girl from his town who thought we broke up years ago as he's obv been acting single when he's there so u see my point it suits him to still b living at home it's like he's living a double life

LegacyUser

At this stage I would be making a decision about how long more you are going to wait for this man to grow up.
After 6 years he should be willing to chat about both your futures together.
If he is working, not paying for rent, bills, food and is not paying off a car or paying car insurance he should have plenty of money saved up at this stage.

I know several woman who ended relationships as long as yours as he will unwilling to make any type of commitment. They went on to meet men who wanted to live with them, get married and or have families.
I would advise you not be wasting time with a man who does not want the same as you.

I know one woman who was with a man for 10 years. She asked him one day when are we getting married to be told I don't want to get married. At this stage she was 30/31 and she broke up with him. A few months later she went back to him and stayed with him a for another few years. Today she is in her late 40's she never got married or had a family as she spend years waiting for a man who was unwilling to grow up.

Aced_Up

Sounds like a typical 'mammys' boy to me. But in fairness, he is using his brain and saving lots of money.

But, this chap needs to grow up and be a man.

Sit down, have a chat and give him a sensible ultimatum, explaining why you need him with you. You seem to have been very soft so far. Perfect for him.

You don't have to nag him, everyone needs space... My space is time doing hobbies on my own or with friends.

Stavro Mueller

So why are you still with this guy aside from the fear of being alone? He's playing you like a violin you know. He gets the pleasure of your company during the week when there's not much going on. Then at weekends he goes after other women and is probably sleeping with them. Before returning to you for commitment-free fun and frolics.

Where is your self-respect? What is it about this guy that is so wonderful that you are willing to tolerate a rocky "relationship", the knowledge that he's kissing other girls and can't leave your house fast enough in the mornings?

If he genuinely cared about you and was just being a mammy's boy, he'd not be kissing other women and behaving like a single man. Think about it.

Tiamii

cymbaline wrote: »

So why are you still with this guy aside from the fear of being alone? He's playing you like a violin you know. He gets the pleasure of your company during the week when there's not much going on. Then at weekends he goes after other women and is probably sleeping with them. Before returning to you for commitment-free fun and frolics.

Where is your self-respect? What is it about this guy that is so wonderful that you are willing to tolerate a rocky "relationship", the knowledge that he's kissing other girls and can't leave your house fast enough in the mornings?

I honestly don't know, I never in a million years thought I'd let a guy treat me like this as Im not a pushover with anybody else but when it comes to him I'm so weak and vunerable and it disgusts me I hate feeling like this and Iv swore so many times I'm done and ill never speak to him again but he always manages to talk me around, I have a large support network who all can't understand why I have him in my life as he does nothing for me even his own friends have told me I deserve better I know I should be strong as I'm a mother after all I should be setting a better example but when it comes to this I'm powerless

December2012

You might feel powerless, but you're not powerless.

You could break up with him today if you wanted.

Rember, you cannot change him. You can only change yourself.

Stavro Mueller

How about thinking of your son for a change. What sort of example are you setting for him?

You've give this lad plenty of chances and he has demonstrated again and again that he isn't going to give you what you want. He is not going to change. Bear in mind too that the longer you waste your life with him, the less time you have to meet someone who will treat you and your son with love and respect.

sbsquarepants

Are you wasting your life? I don't know - but i can guarantee you one thing, you are wasting your time with this guy - he sounds like a right tosser in all honesty. Why would you tolerate someone around your child who has no interest in them? It also seems fairly clear that he has little or no interest in you, beyond the obvious sexual one.
It sounds to me like you are basically a fúck buddy for this guy, which is absolutely fine so long as everyone knows where they stand, but it seems to me that you want more while it's quite obvious he doesn't. You're doing this for years now, it clearly ain't going to change.
Time to stand up for yourself and for your son and tell this molly coddled manchild to bounce on i reckon.

JaneeMack

Tiamii wrote: »

Thanks for the reply I guess I'm just hoping he will change and part of me dosent want to be alone

Men don't change. Or for that matter, nobody ever changes and it is wrong to expect someone to change for you! Take him as he is or else go find somebody else.

username123

Its not really clear to me what you are getting out of this set up? Sex - is that it? Because he is emotionally unavailable, he refuses to commit, he doesnt treat your son properly, he doesnt treat you properly, he acts like he is single when he wants to.....

Basically you are a warm body and a pair of open legs. Im sorry to be so vulgar (I used a worse expression initially but deleted it!) - but thats what it is. He knows he can show up and have sex with you, not get emotionally involved, leave in the morning and no consequence. Probably the only point in your favour in his eyes is that he doesnt find you too annoying (otherwise he wouldnt keep coming round).

Its kinda handy that you are 45 minutes away too - all the easier to keep you at arms length.

Just a user. I hope you have the strength to kick him to the kerb, for you sons sake if not your own. He learns how relationships should be from watching you, at the moment he is learning its ok to disrespect women.

miamee

Tiamii wrote: »

Thanks for the reply I guess I'm just hoping he will change and part of me dosent want to be alone

This is the reason many people stay with the wrong person but as long as you are with this guy, you are not single and available to any of the fantastic single guys out there looking for someone to be with, marry, start a family with.

Tiamii

fab lady wrote: »

At this stage I would be making a decision about how long more you are going to wait for this man to grow up.
After 6 years he should be willing to chat about both your futures together.
If he is working, not paying for rent, bills, food and is not paying off a car or paying car insurance he should have plenty of money saved up at this stage.

I know several woman who ended relationships as long as yours as he will unwilling to make any type of commitment. They went on to meet men who wanted to live with them, get married and or have families.
I would advise you not be wasting time with a man who does not want the same as you.

I know one woman who was with a man for 10 years. She asked him one day when are we getting married to be told I don't want to get married. At this stage she was 30/31 and she broke up with him. A few months later she went back to him and stayed with him a for another few years. Today she is in her late 40's she never got married or had a family as she spend years waiting for a man who was unwilling to grow up.

Omg that's a nightmare but if I don't cop on that will be me

Tiamii

Thanks for all the replies guys

Tiamii

Well we have been arguing all morning and he's said he dosent see a future with me and he wud b happier single so I told him to basically fcuk off and have his single life, see how much of a success he makes of it. Then I went about my business only to check my phone an hour later with 4 missed calls n lots of texts asking could we talk so silly me rang him and he was nice as pie like nothing happened asking what was I up to for the day, basically edging to ask could he come down because he obv has nothing better to do but when I mentioned I had to take my son for suit fitting after school he completely changed tone and became his horrible self again, he could have easily asked to join us but no all he wanted to do was come see me n prob get what he wanted and leave GOD I feel like such an idiot all he wants to do is manipulate and use me

Tiamii

username123 wrote: »

Its not really clear to me what you are getting out of this set up? Sex - is that it? Because he is emotionally unavailable, he refuses to commit, he doesnt treat your son properly, he doesnt treat you properly, he acts like he is single when he wants to.....

Basically you are a warm body and a pair of open legs. Im sorry to be so vulgar (I used a worse expression initially but deleted it!) - but thats what it is. He knows he can show up and have sex with you, not get emotionally involved, leave in the morning and no consequence. Probably the only point in your favour in his eyes is that he doesnt find you too annoying (otherwise he wouldnt keep coming round).

Its kinda handy that you are 45 minutes away too - all the easier to keep you at arms length.

Just a user. I hope you have the strength to kick him to the kerb, for you sons sake if not your own. He learns how relationships should be from watching you, at the moment he is learning its ok to disrespect women.

Thanks this really made sense x

desbrook

This guy was not born like this - he was created . Blind/doting parents and later a blind/doting girlfriend have created and facilitated this behaviour . As his parents are involved I don't think he'd change even if you dumped him for ten years and came back ! HE WILL NOT CHANGE

Having a child should make you smarter . You have your son to watch out for too ! He's not giving either of you what you want and deserve . For the love of God keep the strength and resolve you have shown in your latest posts . Don't lecture - him ignore him . HE WILL NOT CHANGE .

You may feel that you will find it hard to meet someone else in time or it's imosssible . I strongly doubt it . Being a single mum is not the barrier many think it is . Even if it was you and your son would be better off alone than with him . HE WILL NOT CHANGE .

Best of luck x

P. Breathnach

Tiamii wrote: »

... GOD I feel like such an idiot ...

You are not an idiot. Your eyes are now open, and you are taking the right action. Stay strong.

Tiamii

desbrook wrote: »

This guy was not born like this - he was created . Blind/doting parents and later a blind/doting girlfriend have created and facilitated this behaviour . As his parents are involved I don't think he'd change even if you dumped him for ten years and came back ! HE WILL NOT CHANGE

Having a child should make you smarter . You have your son to watch out for too ! He's not giving either of you what you want and deserve . For the love of God keep the strength and resolve you have shown in your latest posts . Don't lecture - him ignore him . HE WILL NOT CHANGE .

You may feel that you will find it hard to meet someone else in time or it's imosssible . I strongly doubt it . Being a single mum is not the barrier many think it is . Even if it was you and your son would be better off alone than with him . HE WILL NOT CHANGE .

Best of luck x

Thank you so much x

CarMe

Ah firstly OP, please don't have a man in your sons home that doesn't even try to bond with him or seem to care about him at all.
I was working on reception before and one of the contract guys sounded just like this horrible man. He used to ask me out and flirt non stop and it came out one day that he had a long term "partner" who had a child and I (as a doting mammy myself) was like ah god what's the kids name, age etc -cos he'd been with this woman years I assumed he had some sort of relationship with her child- well he pretty much told me that he had no time for her son but it was handy as she had her own place, was always home etc.
I'm told he still cheats on her regularly, It's such a sad situation!!
At least you're here asking for advice, you KNOW this is I dire situation. You've no ties to him just cut him out of your life completely, change your number if you have to.
You'd be doing yourself and your son a huge disservice to let him "win you round" this time.

Lorna123

You only stay with this man OP if you are happy the way things are at present because he will never commit to you, not after 5 years. You have shown that you want more and are not happy with this situation so what you have to do now is cut all ties with him and get on with your life. Don't feel that just because you have a son that this limits your chances of meeting someone new. There are plenty of good men out there who would love you for who you are and not because you have a convenient pad for them to go to when the urge arises. For the sake of my pride I would not put up with this. Delete him from your phone and don't take chances that you might cave in if he calls you again. The cheek of him to say that after 5 years it is too soon to talk about the future, that is a dead give away that he is not interested in committing to you. You will feel empowered when you leave him dangling !!!