Called a liar

Lunni

Not a big problem, but really upset about it.

I've been working in my current place for a couple of months. It's only a temp job, so won't be there long-term. One of the women I work (we'll call her Mandy) with is very snappy and dismissive and is a massive snob (to everyone, not just me). I just try to be civil to her and get on with my job. Sometimes we finish at the same time and walk to the train together and just make small talk etc.

The other day when I finished work, I wasn't in the best mood. It was the first anniversary of a good friend's death, I missed the mass because I'm abroad and was just thinking of her all day. Just a tough day. I'd normally wait for Mandy, as she was finishing at the same time, but I could see through her window that she was still busy and would be at least another 10 mins, so I just left. Another colleague (nosy woman) asked, 'aren't you waiting for Mandy?' I said, 'no, I'm in a bit of a hurry, meeting someone in town, so I'll head on'. White lie, obviously I wasn't meeting anyone, just wanted to go home and not interact with anyone. As it happens, I missed the train, so had to wait another 10 mins and Mandy arrived at the station. She asked if I was doing anything nice and I said, 'no, not feeling great, just heading home'.

She immediately looked really angry and spat out that I was a liar because I'd told our colleague I was meeting someone. I was like, 'what the HELL?' It was a white lie, for God's sake, I was just being polite because I wanted to get away. What was I meant to say? 'No, I don't like Mandy and I'd rather get the train alone'? She told me 3 or 4 more times that I was a liar and she hates liars, while I was just standing there totally dumbfounded. I definitely wouldn't consider myself a liar - honesty is one of my best qualities, but doesn't everyone understand that you make up little excuses if you're not in the mood to talk/wait around for someone? She was coming across to me as totally psychotic and paranoid, as if I'd conspired against her or something. In the end, nearly in tears, I told her it was the anniversary of my friend's death and I wasn't really in the mood. She said, 'yeah, whatever you say', implying I was lying about that as well, and walked off.

Was I in the wrong here? Yes, I lied, but it wasn't even something I'd consider a real lie! I thought everyone knew that everyone does this?!

tbh

It's not your problem, it's hers. Don't waste any more time thinking about it. Sorry about your friend.

IrishEyes19

She doesnt sound like the nicest of people. I will say however, that white lies unfortunately can lead to bigger ones, But I really do think that you explaining about the loss of your friend should have in most cases quitened her and made her feel a bit embarassed or at least said it was ok. She doesnt sound like someone you need to be around at all. As long as she isnt directly impacting on your work, I wouldnt wait around for her anymore or try to be civil OUTSIDE of work. work is hard enough these days without people being difficult outside of it. dont worry about it. sorry to hear about your loss.

Stavro Mueller

Are you still working in the place you had problems in before or are you in a different job now? Now I don't want to start insinuating anything here because I'm dealing with limited facts but maybe you need to ask yourself why you keep landing yourself in nasty situations with work colleagues. Of course I could be barking up the wrong tree completely and that you've been unlucky. I just think it's something that may need to think about.

Back to your original question, you didn't do anything wrong per se. You just handled the situation badly with a poor choice of lie. Someone as thin-skinned as Mandy probably took it up as a snub or a ham-fisted means of avoiding walking to the station with her. At this stage what's done is done. Just keep your head down and try not to annoy anyone else before your time is done.

PS Sorry about your friend too

Ceiteach

cymbaline wrote: »

Are you still working in the place you had problems in before or are you in a different job now? Now I don't want to start insinuating anything here because I'm dealing with limited facts but maybe you need to ask yourself why you keep landing yourself in nasty situations with work colleagues. (

Am I missing something? I don't think the OP made any reference to any previous situations.

OP you are not remotely to blame. This woman is obviously in the wrong and more generally an unpleasant person. She shouldn't have brought it up. Maybe you did meet a friend for a few minutes for one reason or another, it's none of her business either way.

Just remind yourself that you're not there long term if she continues to wreck your head about it.

Stavro Mueller

No, the OP didn't reference their previous work situation here but I remembered the username and did a search. As I said, I could be barking up the wrong tree but they might also need to ask themselves why they keep getting on the wrong side of work colleagues. When someone posts here it can take a little while to get the bigger picture of what's going on.

It's just a general comment and one that can be ignored if it's irrelevant.

Limestone1

Lunni wrote: »

Was I in the wrong here? Yes, I lied, but it wasn't even something I'd consider a real lie! I thought everyone knew that everyone does this?!

You told a lie and got caught out , there are often consequences .....

Lorna123

You could go to Mandy and explain that you didn't realize when you said that to the other person about meeting someone that it was going to go all out of proportion. You could just say that you didn't feel like explaining to the other person all about your friend who died and that was the first thing that came to your mind. Then you told her (Mandy) the truth because you know her better and that you are sorry if she took offense at any of it as it was just a bad day for you. Emphasize that you are not a liar and hearing her say that was quite upsetting for you. I would just apologize once as it is good to keep in with people you work with whether you like them or not.

This should clear the air and if it doesn't then just forget about it. You will have made the effort and that is all that is required of you. If she cannot understand your excuse then just steer clear of her.

She obviously thought that you were avoiding her and this upset her, so no harm in making an effort to clear the air. Best of Luck.

Taltos

OP - I have closed your other threads in PI/RI.

Can I ask posters to focus on the subject matter of this thread, if you have an issue with the poster or topic please report it and the mods will look into it. Pulling in information from other threads may not always be relevant and could cause a thread to spin off topic of the specific issue being raised.

Thanks
Taltos

Lunni

Lunni wrote: »

Was I in the wrong here? Yes, I lied, but it wasn't even something I'd consider a real lie! I thought everyone knew that everyone does this?!

It's wrong to lie, but yeah, everyone does it.

You don't have to prove any sort of moral high ground in order to be offended by the way she treated you. She's out of order, it doesn't matter if you were honest, or felt obligated to tell a white lie, or even if you told a huge lie just for the sake of it. She's not the lie police, and she has no right to call you names or badger you.

The smart thing to do it get over it and grovel for the sake of getting along with the staff for a good reference, since you're not staying long anyway.

I wouldn't do the smart thing though. I'd tell her straight out that I was mourning the loss of a close friend and the thought of her company was more than I could manage. Any protestations would be met with "Well did you or did you not follow me to the station and even though you'd been told I was meeting a friend, you still asked me what I was up to, so that you could try to catch me in a tiny white lie, which I only told to spare your clearly delicate feelings? And did you not then continue to publicly berate me and call me names regardless of the fact I confided in you the loss of a close friend? You're hardly the kind of company I'd want to keep." I'd also expect a pretty frosty working environment afterwards though.

She acted like a child. You don't need to prove that everyone lies in order for her actions to still be totally inappropriate.

Scruffles

true-or-false wrote: »

It's wrong to lie, but yeah, everyone does it.

no we all dont,a majority may be do but the rest of us dont.
due to having a rigid thought process through autism and intelectual disability have never lied before-regardless of how 'small' or 'big' a lie is seen as,will always come out with truth even when it results in punishment for self,and am not a fan of liars because am unable to trust them or find them predictible.

a lot of people do not like lies and/or do not lie themselves and its not just disabled people.



lies are lies whether small or big,so it was a lie,clearly the woman has a different perception of lies-it doesnt make her the one in the wrong or mentaly unstable though,people can develop a hatred of lies and people who lie through bad life experiences they have had to.
however,its no excuse whatsoever to be so rude to someone.

Scruffles

Scruffles wrote: »

no we all dont,a majority may be do but the rest of us dont.
due to having a rigid thought process through autism and intelectual disability have never lied before-regardless of how 'small' or 'big' a lie is seen as,will always come out with truth even when it results in punishment for self,and am not a fan of liars because am unable to trust them or find them predictible.

a lot of people do not like lies and/or do not lie themselves and its not just disabled people.



lies are lies whether small or big,so it was a lie,clearly the woman has a different perception of lies-it doesnt make her the one in the wrong or mentaly unstable though,people can develop a hatred of lies and people who lie through bad life experiences they have had to.
however,its no excuse whatsoever to be so rude to someone.

It was a generalisation, by which I meant that as far as I know most people tell white lies.

Lunni

Thanks for the replies.

cymbaline wrote: »

Are you still working in the place you had problems in before or are you in a different job now? Now I don't want to start insinuating anything here because I'm dealing with limited facts but maybe you need to ask yourself why you keep landing yourself in nasty situations with work colleagues. Of course I could be barking up the wrong tree completely and that you've been unlucky. I just think it's something that may need to think about.

It is a different job. I hardly think having an issue with two people means I can't get along with anyone. Some people just aren't very nice, and yes, I need to find ways to deal with such people. I thought I was doing really well with that (being friendly, polite, but not getting too involved) until this incident.

Back to your original question, you didn't do anything wrong per se. You just handled the situation badly with a poor choice of lie. Someone as thin-skinned as Mandy probably took it up as a snub or a ham-fisted means of avoiding walking to the station with her. At this stage what's done is done. Just keep your head down and try not to annoy anyone else before your time is done.

PS Sorry about your friend too

Yes, she did take it as a snub, exactly. To me, that's really self-centered. Especially once I explained about my friend. I've been in plenty of situations where I was aware someone was telling a white lie because they didn't feel like doing something - why would you care? I don't understand why she took it as some massive personal insult.

true-or-false wrote: »

It's wrong to lie, but yeah, everyone does it.

You don't have to prove any sort of moral high ground in order to be offended by the way she treated you. She's out of order, it doesn't matter if you were honest, or felt obligated to tell a white lie, or even if you told a huge lie just for the sake of it. She's not the lie police, and she has no right to call you names or badger you.

Yes, that's how I feel. That she, for some reason, expects justification for everything. She is like that with everyone, not just me. She doesn't seem to understand the concept of it being none of her business. Our boss was late to work the other day, apparently because his daughter was sick, and Mandy went on all day about how she'd seen the daughter the day before and she didn't look sick. As if the boss owed her an explanation about why he was late. Yes, it probably was a 'story' but so what? Perhaps something embarrassing happened. I don't see why you 'owe the truth' to a work colleague or employee about something that affects them in no way whatsoever.

The smart thing to do it get over it and grovel for the sake of getting along with the staff for a good reference, since you're not staying long anyway.

I wouldn't do the smart thing though. I'd tell her straight out that I was mourning the loss of a close friend and the thought of her company was more than I could manage. Any protestations would be met with "Well did you or did you not follow me to the station and even though you'd been told I was meeting a friend, you still asked me what I was up to, so that you could try to catch me in a tiny white lie, which I only told to spare your clearly delicate feelings? And did you not then continue to publicly berate me and call me names regardless of the fact I confided in you the loss of a close friend? You're hardly the kind of company I'd want to keep." I'd also expect a pretty frosty working environment afterwards though.

She acted like a child. You don't need to prove that everyone lies in order for her actions to still be totally inappropriate.

Yeah, I think you're right. I hate the idea of a frosty environment, but I think one of us is going to have to apologise. She thinks I'm wrong because I lied, I think she's wrong to expect me to justify everything I do.

Scruffles wrote: »

no we all dont,a majority may be do but the rest of us dont.
due to having a rigid thought process through autism and intelectual disability have never lied before-regardless of how 'small' or 'big' a lie is seen as,will always come out with truth even when it results in punishment for self,and am not a fan of liars because am unable to trust them or find them predictible.

a lot of people do not like lies and/or do not lie themselves and its not just disabled people.



lies are lies whether small or big,so it was a lie,clearly the woman has a different perception of lies-it doesnt make her the one in the wrong or mentaly unstable though,people can develop a hatred of lies and people who lie through bad life experiences they have had to.
however,its no excuse whatsoever to be so rude to someone.

I think that's a bit weird, to be honest. There is a big difference between lying for the sake of it (i.e. to make yourself look cooler/richer/better), lying to cover something up or deceive someone and lying about something small to spare someone's feelings. If a friend turns around and asks me if she's ugly, I'm hardly going to say, 'yes, you're rotten', am I? This, to me, was along those lines. A small lie to avoid a big, personal, difficult explanation about something that was really none of anyone's business.