I read his texts

LegacyUser

The other day my boyfriend of 7 months was out and he left his phone at home.
I saw it, and I know I shouldn't have but I looked through his texts.
I saw one he sent to a girl he kissed once years ago, he is still friendly with her as they used to work together. It said that if they are both not seeing anyone at the same time they should go on a date. This girl dismissed is.
This seemed to have been sent around 6 weeks into our relationship,after we had made it official and after he told me he loved me (I told him I felt the same). The date it was sent seemed to coincide with a row we had.
I feel heart broken, I thought he was the man of my dreams - I've been away with and met all of his his family since all this, been his date for a family wedding, we've been away together and hes met my family. Hes just the most amazing person and I'm crazy about him - I love him so much but I'm just not sure what to do.

I really don't have any trust issues at all with him, but I just saw his phone and read his messages... Please some advice

Czarcasm

I'd suggest it was a text sent while he was still in two minds about where the relationship with you was going OP, but to still have it on his phone six months later? I'm trying to figure out if it was out of sentimentality or just pure laziness or the fact he thought nothing more of it that was the reason he either kept it or just didn't bother to delete it.

The fact that you say messages, plural, suggests there were other messages that have you worried, so I'd suggest asking him about it OP. Sure, he'll be miffed that you went through his phone, but isn't it better for your own sake that at least your mind is put at rest?

Addle

I only read out of the above OP that you've done wrong.
You say you don't have trust issues, but than why did you check his phone?

LegacyUser

I dont know - I just checked it...

There was another text from this girl a few weeks ago asking about some work night out, so it was still on the thread.

judgefudge

6 weeks into a relationship is pretty early. I'd personally think it's too early to actually know if you love someone, but that's a different topic.

So it looks like you were going out 6 weeks, had an argument and he sort of half propositioned some girl he kissed once years ago. She dismissed it and presumably nothing came out of it.

I think you're overreacting a bit to be honest. It was probably not the best thing he could have done but he may have been unsure or pissed off and then later regretted it.

I'd be more worried why you are going through his phone. If I found out my partner was going through all my texts with a fine tooth comb it would be a Dealbreaker for me. It shows that you are really insecure and have absolutely no respect for his privacy.

December2012

Why did you read his texts?

Are you a nosy person?

Czarcasm

judgefudge wrote: »

I'd be more worried why you are going through his phone. If I found out my partner was going through all my texts with a fine tooth comb it would be a Dealbreaker for me. It shows that you are really insecure and have absolutely no respect for his privacy.

December2012 wrote: »

Why did you read his texts?

Are you a nosy person?

Boredom, irresistible curiosity, any number of reasons besides insecurity or the OP surely would've been checking her boyfriends phone before now. Geez lads, does the OP get a free pass if she finds out the guy IS cheating on her? Come on!

December2012

Well she can answer for herself if she wants to.

In all the time I've been with my husband, through good times and bad I have never once been tempted to look at his texts, emails.

Czarcasm

December2012 wrote: »

Well she can answer for herself if she wants to.

In all the time I've been with my husband, through good times and bad I have never once been tempted to look at his texts, emails.

Everyone's different Dec, that's all I'm trying to say, I mean, I would have no particular interest in what my wife has on her phone, her laptop, her diary, whatever, but she would often just out of natural curiosity be wondering what DO I do on my laptop or my phones or whatever, it's just natural curiosity on her part, I wouldn't immediately say she can't mind her own business, yknow? She respects my right to privacy, but that doesn't stop her being curious. I'd hardly immediately assume it was insecurity or her being nosy as you put it.

LegacyUser

I was cheated on very badly last year by a guy I was in a long term relationship with. I found this out by seeing facebook messages while he was logged onto my laptop.

I really am so mad about this guy and I was talking to my brother, who I'm very close with and he suggested that it was a moment of madness too at the beginning because he may have not known how things would pan out and his actions after have suggested nothing more than he is crazy about me

judgefudge

I don't mean to be harsh. Obviously nobody is perfect. Sure in the past I have done it myself. The one and only time I've checked a boyfriends phone was when I was in a relationship where I really didn't trust the guy. I've never felt the urge to do it before that or since that. And I discovered he was cheating!

Sometimes it can be down to a gut feeling. My point is, when I did that I was insecure, and I didn't trust him. I didn't know it at the time, but that's how it was.

You can't trust him if you are going through his texts.

Big Bag of Chips

I wouldn't worry about it. Go with what your brother said. It was before he really knew what was happening with you two. And everything he's done from then on proves that he is crazy about you.

It might have been a little immature on his part to say it to her. It might be a joke they have between the 2 of them. Like the "if we're both still single at 40, we'll get married" line.

I don't think it's something you seriously say to someone.

Anyway - it was one little slip up at the start of an otherwise perfect relationship. Let it go.

LegacyUser

So I shouldn't say anything?
I know it was wrong to look and I'd be so upset about that, but I'm so upset thinking about what he did. I try to place it in context against how amazing he's treated me but I'm just devestated

LegacyUser

So you think saying something will ruin what we have?

I'm just in bits today thinkign about it

Oryx

It_was_a_bad_idea wrote: »

I was cheated on very badly last year............. his actions after have suggested nothing more than he is crazy about me

You are insecure based on a previous relationship. That cheater wasn't this guy. Apart from that text, everything points to him being crazy about you. And even that text only suggested a hookup with the other girl if he was single. You say he sent at a time when you guys had your first wobble in the relationship, so who knows where his head was at? Fact is, that he is with you, and seems crazy about you. Just take things at face value, you have no reason not to.

And maybe stop reading his texts.

Czarcasm

It_was_a_bad_idea wrote: »

So I shouldn't say anything?
I know it was wrong to look and I'd be so upset about that, but I'm so upset thinking about what he did. I try to place it in context against how amazing he's treated me but I'm just devestated

It_was_a_bad_idea wrote: »

So you think saying something will ruin what we have?

I'm just in bits today thinkign about it

OP just going on the above, I'd suggest you say it to him and at least give him a chance to reassure you. It's clearly something you're not coping with very well and your boyfriend if he has any sense will care more about the fact that you're clearly upset about this than he will about you looking at his phone.

I personally think the looking at the phone thing is a non issue tbh but you acknowledged it as something you felt you did was wrong in your OP, and yet other posters seemed to delight in berating you for it. The looking at the phone wasn't the issue, it was the texts you'd seen was the issue.

Sort out the text issue first OP by talking to him about it, and THEN if he has an issue with you looking at his phone AFTER that, he can talk to you about that. Your insecurity wasn't formed in a bubble and clearly it's being influenced by previous history, and seeing a text from your boyfriend like he was running back to this girl for attention when things got tough, isn't going to make you feel any more secure.

Your boyfriend needs to understand fully WHY you felt the need to check his phone in the first place, then understand why seeing such a message would upset you. I mean, you say he kissed this girl years ago, still works with her, and then you see a message like that? Yeah, I'd certainly say something OP. Your boyfriend sounds amazing in every other respect, but on this occasion I'd say it was just a tad thoughtless.

itsmichelle

December2012 wrote: »

Well she can answer for herself if she wants to.

In all the time I've been with my husband, through good times and bad I have never once been tempted to look at his texts, emails.

Well if you check them-you might find something you were not expecting to find. Giving someone 100% trust is plain crazy. Sorry but it is. Always expect the unexpected.

I know one woman who was married for 28 years, thought she had the perfect marriage, perfect husband, everyone always commented on how perfect the were together and people always asked whats the secret to such a good marriage.

Anyway one day she found out that the prick had been having an affair with a married colleague for the past 18 years and he had two affairs prior to that.

That kinda thing ^^^ is very very scary.

Im not saying you should check up on your partner regularly or anything but once every few years or so would not do you any harm. People change. You could think the sun shines out of his ass and his **** dont stink but you are not immune to getting hurt, noone is and its important to protect yourself and be prepared coz if the **** hits the fan-you need a get out of jail free card and an escape planned and prepared

wallycharlo

itsmichelle wrote: »

Im not saying you should check up on your partner regularly or anything but once every few years or so would not do you any harm...

I've an interesting corollary to that. Not aiming to distract attention from the OP, but I think it's relevant.

I was once out together with a male friend and we got chatting with a couple of girls. It was a non-English speaking country, so it would happen pretty often that others in a bar (both men and women) etc would notice people speaking English together, and strike up a conversation with them based around where do you come from, what are you doing here, etc. My buddy ended up heading off somewhere with one of the girls when we were leaving (it was pretty clear they fancied each other), and I headed home. The other girl lived in the same neck of the woods as myself so we walked home together. Shortly after we had parted company my friend called my phone, and left a voice message on it saying 'GirlA is wondering where GirlB is, is she still with you'. This is a few years back before everyone had mobile phones, and as I recall these girls did not, so could not contact one another directly.

As it happened I had forgotten my phone on the kitchen table in my flat that evening. My girlfriend (who I lived with) at the time saw the phone beep with the voicemail, and listened to it. When I got home shortly after she was furious, and was convinced that I had been unfaithful. There was no convincing her that this was not the case, she moved out a few days later, and never came back.

TINA1984

itsmichelle wrote: »

Well if you check them-you might find something you were not expecting to find. Giving someone 100% trust is plain crazy. Sorry but it is. Always expect the unexpected.

I know one woman who was married for 28 years, thought she had the perfect marriage, perfect husband, everyone always commented on how perfect the were together and people always asked whats the secret to such a good marriage.

Anyway one day she found out that the prick had been having an affair with a married colleague for the past 18 years and he had two affairs prior to that.

That kinda thing ^^^ is very very scary.

Im not saying you should check up on your partner regularly or anything but once every few years or so would not do you any harm. People change. You could think the sun shines out of his ass and his **** dont stink but you are not immune to getting hurt, noone is and its important to protect yourself and be prepared coz if the **** hits the fan-you need a get out of jail free card and an escape planned and prepared

'I know someone' stories don't justify you or anyone else invading someone's personal privacy.

itsmichelle

If you suspect your partner of cheating then you have a right to know what they are up to so if they are behaving suspiciously then you should do whatever it takes to find the truth. That is what I think. If hes banging some dirty prostitute or something and could potentially give me HIV or herpes-then yes I will find out about it and then he can watch as I run as fast as I can away from him and never look back.

itsmichelle

wallycharlo wrote: »

Shortly after we had parted company my friend called my phone, and left a voice message on it saying 'GirlA is wondering where GirlB is, is she still with you'.

That does sound fairly dodgy. In my opinion you shouldn't have walked the girl home. Shes nothing to you and you have a gf waiting for you so why didn't you just let her get a cab or whatever and go home alone? It does look very suspicious if you have been out all night drinking and then she finds out you were alone with a girl. Most people would freak out over that (men and women)

wallycharlo

itsmichelle wrote: »

That does sound fairly dodgy. In my opinion you shouldn't have walked the girl home. Shes nothing to you and you have a gf waiting for you so why didn't you just let her get a cab or whatever and go home alone? It does look very suspicious if you have been out all night drinking and then she finds out you were alone with a girl. Most people would freak out over that (men and women)

I did not 'walk her home'.

We both lived within about a 10 minute walk from where we had been, so walking would be the usual method of getting home. There was one main road leading to the side of town that we both lived on, so anyone going in that direction would obviously take that route. I said good luck to her when I reached my place, and she continued then on her way.

Where do I say anything in my post about being 'out all night drinking' ?

Taltos

wallcharlo & itsmichelle - please keep your posts on topic to the OP. Discussions on who is right or not here is just distracting from the OPs issue and is considered off topic.

itsmichelle - welcome to PI/RI. Please take some time now to read our charter and some of the threads here to ensure you don't unwittingly fall foul of our strict moderation here. There are a few things we view in a dim light here and if posters cannot post constructive advice in a civil manner we ask them not to post. Bad language, generalisations and more all fall into that category.

Thanks
Taltos