I feel disgusting and ashamed of myself

gayguy2009

As you can tell from my username I am a gay male and am in my early 20's. I never felt more miserable in my life!

I know people will judge me but I have to get it off my chest. I used to be a virgin until I was about 18 years old. Since then things have changed a lot. I started sleeping around with a lot of different men. I'd say my number is at about 30-35. I didn't realise how bad things had gotten until I counted them up.

I suffer from depression and anxiety and I think having contact with another man makes me feel better about myself but only for a short time. I also have very low self esteem.

I wish I could turn back the clock and change all this. I don't think any guy would consider me to be bf type when they hear how many guys I've slept with. I even met up with a guy last night and I'm thinking to myself why do I not have any self control. I feel so crap right now.

I think I've also ruined my reputation in the gay community. I use online dating to meet up with guys and I know the gay community is very close knit. I'm worried that people will talk to others and consider me a man slut.

Please help my head is all over the place thinking about my naive stupid past

ABajaninCork

gayguy2009 wrote: »

As you can tell from my username I am a gay male and am in my early 20's. I never felt more miserable in my life!

I know people will judge me but I have to get it off my chest. I used to be a virgin until I was about 18 years old. Since then things have changed a lot. I started sleeping around with a lot of different men. I'd say my number is at about 30-35. I didn't realise how bad things had gotten until I counted them up.

I suffer from depression and anxiety and I think having contact with another man makes me feel better about myself but only for a short time. I also have very low self esteem.

I wish I could turn back the clock and change all this. I don't think any guy would consider me to be bf type when they hear how many guys I've slept with. I even met up with a guy last night and I'm thinking to myself why do I not have any self control. I feel so crap right now.

I think I've also ruined my reputation in the gay community. I use online dating to meet up with guys and I know the gay community is very close knit. I'm worried that people will talk to others and consider me a man slut.

Please help my head is all over the place thinking about my naive stupid past

There's your answer right there. Hardly anybody (including me!) finds their life partner at the first time of asking. And I seriously doubt the gay community will be thinking of you as a man slut. Unless you tell them, it isn't even an issue. It's nobody's business but yours how you conduct your sex life.

I would be speaking to my GP about the depression. And I would be seeking some counselling.

You're being too hard on yourself.

Sleeping with lots of people isn't a bad thing - however, doing it when it's making you feel crap is a bad thing. As you said yourself, you do seem to be suffering from low self esteem, possibly stemming from the other issues you mentioned. I really think you should see a professional about this, as it's bound to be affecting other areas of your life.

As for being boyfriend material, it doesn't matter how many people you've slept with. As long as you're disease free and haven't had any traumatising experiences, there is absolutely no link between the people you've slept with and any future relationships you plan to have. It's your past, and it only affects you as much as you let it. Hearing how many people they've slept with has never influenced my opinion of a boyfriend.

People like sex. We're genetically designed to. So when we're single, and maybe even a bit lonely, and we meet someone nice who wants sex too, it's only natural to do it. There's nothing to feel guilty about as long as you're being safe and you're not taking advantage of anyone. However doing it when it's making you feel like this just isn't healthy for your state of mind, and I really think that talking to someone professional would help you.

Czarcasm

gayguy2009 wrote: »

As you can tell from my username I am a gay male and am in my early 20's. I never felt more miserable in my life!

I know people will judge me but I have to get it off my chest. I used to be a virgin until I was about 18 years old. Since then things have changed a lot. I started sleeping around with a lot of different men. I'd say my number is at about 30-35. I didn't realise how bad things had gotten until I counted them up.

First off OP, I don't know how much help anyone's opinion here can be to you when you already have preconceived notions about being judged. The only one being negatively judgemental of themselves here, is yourself!

I'm in my mid 30's OP, with my wife now 16 years, and I've lost count of my sexual partners; lost count, or I just stopped focussing on it so much, one or the other anyway but it's completely irrelevant at this stage, and I had no interest in my wife's PSH either- it's not as if we're still sleeping with them, now THAT might give cause for a few raised eyebrows alright!

Point being OP that these people you have slept with are in your past, counting them up isn't going to make a jot of difference to who you are as a person, right now, in this moment. Your past is your past, it's clearly affecting your present, so you need to come to terms with that and not let it negatively affect your future. Nobody else is affected by your struggle to come to terms with your past, and if somebody else has an issue with it, you have to ask yourself is this a person you would want to spend time with? Is this a person who could have a positive or negative impact on your life? If you conclude that they are not the kind of person likely to have a positive impact on your life and you're not likely to enjoy spending time with them, then they're the one that hardly boyfriend material, not you! Can you see how that might make sense? The problem isn't you OP, it's them.

I suffer from depression and anxiety and I think having contact with another man makes me feel better about myself but only for a short time. I also have very low self esteem.

Gay, straight, bi, asexual, pansexual, whatever your sexuality OP, most people like to feel like they matter to somebody. How they go about that validation however, is what's really relevant, and if that behaviour is self destructive or impacts negatively on their self esteem, then they need to change their behaviour, and in tandem change their perception of themselves as a person. Naturally it sounds a lot more achievable on paper than it is in reality, but that's when you need to surround yourself with positive influences, those positive influences will make the negative influences as less and less relevant in your life.

I wish I could turn back the clock and change all this. I don't think any guy would consider me to be bf type when they hear how many guys I've slept with. I even met up with a guy last night and I'm thinking to myself why do I not have any self control. I feel so crap right now.

You can't change what's already happened OP, and with your self esteem shot to shìt, it's a lot harder to exercise self control. That will only come as a result of you increasing your self esteem, practising exercises that help increase your confidence in yourself.

I think I've also ruined my reputation in the gay community. I use online dating to meet up with guys and I know the gay community is very close knit. I'm worried that people will talk to others and consider me a man slut.

OP as closely knit as the LGBT community is, people are still people at the end of the day, some will judge you in a negative light, but more people simply won't give a shìt. You'll have to trust me on that one.

Please help my head is all over the place thinking about my naive stupid past

You'll need to learn not focus so much on your past OP and just chalk it down to experience. There's no need to be so hard on yourself either, you really, and I mean REALLY need to cut yourself some slack.

sashafierce

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kylith

OP, always remember that you are under no obligation to reveal how many sexual partners you've had. If you decide to put that period of your life behind you, then that's where it is; behind you. Decide what it is that you want from the future and focus on that instead of on the past.

I've slept with about as many people as you have, and my partner doesn't know this. I don't know how many people he's slept with. The subject has never come up because it's not important to either of us. Our relationship is what is important. When you find someone that is how it will be too.