How to deal with a difficult relative.

pauliebdub

Here is the deal. I have an aunt, aged 60, a spinster. Ever since I can remember she has been grumpy and unpleasant to be around but it seems to have gotten worse in the past few years and has become intolerable to me and indeed most younger family members.

She has always been very religious and would frequently invoke God in conversation and use religion to judge everyone around her on how they live their lives. However in the last couple of years Ive noticed that her behaviour has gotten a lot worse. Very small or minor incidents that occur during family gatherings leads to a dressing down from her, which spoils everyone else’s mood and leads to an argument.

For example:

My 10 year old nephew won a GAA medal and was telling us about it. She gives him a lecture about “modesty and humility” and about “not blowing your own trumpet”.

My niece left some of her food on her dinner plate that she didn’t want. My aunt launches into a tirade about starving children around the world and how she should begrateful for everything she gets.

There are many more instances such as this. I want it to stop as it will damage their confidence.

The problemis my parents insist on taking her with them whenever they visit me and my siblings. She lives very near them and feel sorry for her because she is on her own and never found happiness. We (me and my brothers) have made it clear she is not welcome anymore but she is still being brought over. How do we deal with this? I’m really not prepared to put up with her any longer as we really cannot stomach the sight of her.

pauliebdub

pauliebdub wrote: »

The problemis my parents insist on taking her with them whenever they visit me and my siblings. She lives very near them and feel sorry for her because she is on her own and never found happiness. We (me and my brothers) have made it clear she is not welcome anymore but she is still being brought over.

What do you mean by you've made it clear she's not welcome? You're not obliged to let people into your home, so how is she getting in if she's not welcome?

Have you pulled her up on these things and made it clear to her face in plain, simple language that if she continues to behave this way you will not be letting her enter your home? If not, go for it.

Don't involve your parents either. She might be your elder, but she's still capable of taking responsibility for acting atrociously. If she ends up in your house again and starts on one of her tirades, tell her to leave. Point blank throw her out. Just try to keep it away from the kids, she is their relative and there's no benefit in showing them there are bad relations between you.

MissFlitworth

Id whip off the kid gloves and deal with her by stopping her mid tirade, as in standing up for your niece/nephew with a hearty "no no, that's a lot of rubbish" or "no no, [logical reason why what aunt is saying is not true]". Presumably the kids like you a lot more than her so if you're visibly putting her in her place and reassuring them that what she's saying isn't right & that you don't agree the knock to their confidence shouldn't be too bad. If everyone else in your life is positive and reaffirming the presence of one crotchety person surely can't hit you that hard

pauliebdub

We have sat down with her and made it clear that if she continues to speak to the kids or indeed any of us like that again she would be asked to leave. It's very hard to argue with her as he can be quite manipulative and turns these things back on us.

It's also hard to challenge her in front of the kids without creating a huge scene. If i aske her to leave my parents would have to leave too as they drive her to my house.

Im annoyed with them for not respecting our wishes more. We have asked them not to bring her to my house but they continue to do so. They are both passive types who roll their eyes and say take no notice of her.

We have a family gathering in either my or my siblings homes about once a month which is all we see of her. We dont see her when we call to visit my parents.

Syllabus

Ive never understood people who put up with relatives they cant stand. Just say no!

'No! Shes not coming in'

Its simple really

username123

pauliebdub wrote: »

If i aske her to leave my parents would have to leave too as they drive her to my house.

So what? Let them leave. Youve already told them not to bring her. I just wouldnt let her in.

Stand at the door and say "youre welcome mam and dad, but not you auntie" and then say to your parents "I told you if you brought her over I wouldnt let her in" - and stand your ground. They will all leave and maybe your parents will get the point that you mean what you say.

Telling them not to bring her but still letting her in makes it look like you dont mean it.

Lorna123

Next time she is in your house and starts one of her tirades just call her out of the room and tell her in no uncertain terms that she is upsetting everyone with her self righteous talk, that you don't want the children to have to undergo a lecture every time she visits because it is spoiling the whole atmosphere.

danslevent

All these responses saying "kick her out" etc, seem good written but in reality no one likes aggressive confrontation like that. Even if she is deserving of it, something that blunt is hard to do.

OP, maybe try calling to visit her on your own and explaining things again. Be assertive and firm, it is your life.

Esoteric_

Instead of saying she's not coming in as she's standing at the doorstep with your parents, or kicking her out while she's there, both of which will cause scenes, just tell your parents that if they bring her to your house, you will not be answering the door.

If they arrive, do not answer the door. Alternatively, go off for the day if they tell you that the three of them are coming up.

The Princess Bride

To be honest, it's your parents you need to speak with,OP.

I presume your aunt is single by choice,and this is not the fault of your parents?
Therefore they are not responsible for her being a spinster, grumpy and unpleasant.
This is her own doing.

She is still young,and does not need to be ferried around just because she lives alone and they feel sorry for her.
If this is tolerated,it will only get worse as she gets older.

Just tell your parents that they're welcome every month,but she isn't, as she makes the rest of you feel uncomfortable and tense, and it upsets the children.
She isn't going to change her odd ways after a lifetime of being by herself- no amount of talking will change her.

The sooner everybody realises this,the easier your lives will be-believe me,I'm speaking from experience.

LegacyUser

OP, how often does this aunt visit, once or twice a month?
She sounds like a right nightmare.
However, the kids are surrounded by you and "normal" people presumably 95% of the time, I can't imagine their confidence will be affected hugely by the odd interaction.
In fact, handled correctly ("your grandaunt is visiting, you know she's a bit grumpy, don't take anything personally"), it could well be character building!
The children will almost certainly meet people like your aunt in the future, and if they know how to manage/cope with these sort of characters, there'll be no fear of them.

Catkins407

Being the difficult relative in my family I may have something to offer here lol. When your aunt launches into a lecture just interrupt her and say. Let she who us without sin cast the first stone" that should shut up her. If it doesn't . Tell her prideful behaviour will come before a fall. In other words play her at her own game with religion. What she is doing is a sin and if you point that out in terms she gets and can't argue with she might shut up. Lol good luck

pauliebdub

msthe80s wrote: »

To be honest, it's your parents you need to speak with,OP.

I presume your aunt is single by choice,and this is not the fault of your parents?
Therefore they are not responsible for her being a spinster, grumpy and unpleasant.
This is her own doing.

Were going to have a good chat about it with our parents at the weekend and let them know we don't want anything to do with her anymore and be firm by telling her she must leave and is not welcome in our homes.

We never see or make contact with the woman apart from the visits. We would never see her or buy her a present at Christmas. The kids even refer to her as the wicked witch. )

pauliebdub

jlkjl wrote: »

OP, how often does this aunt visit, once or twice a month?
She sounds like a right nightmare.
However, the kids are surrounded by you and "normal" people presumably 95% of the time, I can't imagine their confidence will be affected hugely by the odd interaction.
In fact, handled correctly ("your grandaunt is visiting, you know she's a bit grumpy, don't take anything personally"), it could well be character building!
The children will almost certainly meet people like your aunt in the future, and if they know how to manage/cope with these sort of characters, there'll be no fear of them.

We have family get togethers once a month, alternated between my home and my two brothers homes. I think part of it is a resentment that none of really make much time for her. We have tried but it was thrown back at us so it's not happening anymore.

Emme

OP, she sounds like a nightmare. Did she care for your grandparents by any chance? That would explain the bitterness and self-righteousness. If so she's probably thinking "I gave up my life to look after everyone while the others went off enjoyed themselves and got married and I'm entitled to some thanks and respect for it". Maybe that's why your parents feel they owe her an outing :rolleyes: every now and then.

Unfortunately she's not. She's carrying a load of bitterness around with her and dumping it on the rest of you. Kicking her out might not be the most tactful option and should only be a last resort. The advice to say "Let him without sin cast the first stone" is excellent. If she says she is without sin then you have a problem!

Tell your parents that this woman is upsetting your children and even though they mean well bringing her out with them you would rather see them on their own. Has your aunt any hobbies (apart from b*tching)? There's loads she could do. If she's fit she could join a walking club, she could join a bridge club, a reading group, you get my drift. If she lives in Dublin there are meetup groups for the over 50s. It's harder in a rural area but surely there's a bridge group she could join. Or golf? Anything to get her out of everyone's hair and cheer her up.

Unfortunately some people don't want to be cheerful and prefer to wallow in their own misery and spread it around. You can do nothing for those people if they refuse to help themselves. If your aunt falls into this category you will have to cut her out of your lives and like someone else said be away when your parents call. If they refuse to travel without her don't be in when they call (say you had to go out urgently) and they will get the message.

Duckjob

As some other poster have said it's your parents you need to focus on - it's fair enough that they feel pity for her as one of them is a direct sibling to her and so has grown up with her and probably feels obligated to "look after" her.

However, you need to let them know that you and your family find her very trying and don't wish to invite her to your home on a regular basis. You also need to make it clear to them, in the nicest possible way, that they don't have the authority to invite her to your home on your behalf, and if they insist on continuing doing this, it's going to affect their relationship with you.

At the end of the day, it's up to them to respect your wishes as to who visits your home and to realise that she doesnt have an automatic "pass" because she's family.

As to how to deal with her on the times she is there: if you're not fond of confrontation, then I would go the route of just rubbishing her waffle (where it is directed at the kids).
e.g Re. Your nephew and his GAA medal, when she starts prattling on about humility:
"Nonsense! [Then to him:] That's a great achievement, you should be proud of yourself"
Re. Your niece and the food, a bit of jokey ridicule:
"If it's so important, why dont you wrap it up and post it over"

Subtly let her know that if her annoying prattle it reasonably restrained, you'll tolerate it - just. If she starts bullying the young ones, she's going to make herself a target for ridicule.

You have my sympathy OP. It's awful to have to deal with a*seholes just because they're "family" and especially when then have "sway" over family members that you love.

fathead82

She sounds very like my uncle,in his late 60's,never married & nothing but trouble.He goes around to his brothers,sisters & nephews houses bitching about the rest of the family. he even called the guards on his own brother over a fight about a dog.
Anyway,after a recent row he had with my mother where he accused her in the wrong,we have barred him from the house.No big drama,just rang him & said "your not welcome to our home,please dont call around anymore",he went on a rant & I hung up the phone,have not seen him in 3 months & hopefully will never see him again,people like that are not worth the hassle.