Telling a friend his social skills are atrocious.

LegacyUser

Hi Folks,
A guy I've known for a long while is becoming harder and harder to socialize with. Not just for me but for absolutely everyone we know.

Our group of friends meet up all together about once a week to chat, socialize and general amusement. This guy arrives every week and just complains constantly. This isn't new he's been a complainer for a long while, but it's starting to get on everyone's nerves. This in itself wouldn't be to bad but he also seems to have no idea what is appropriate to discuss in a social group here are some examples

1) Often reminding everyone about a Christmas present he's received for someone in our circle and then talking about how much better the gift he gave that person was.

2) Constantly trying to steer conversations to being about various medical conditions he seems to suffer from e.g. while we're talking about something he'll take out a really big pill box from his pocket and interrupt everyone saying something like "man i wish i didn't have to carry this around.. but I'm just SO sick these days"

3) Has discussed personal medical information about a friend told in confidence to another person.

4) Discussed information about a friends personal finances with the group. information he only has access to because of his profession.

there has been a lot of other stuff, but the stuff mentioned about have all been in the past month.

Here's my question: I've been approached by people in our circle of friends and asked to tell him they don't want anything to do with him.
How the hell do i do that.

I was going to just read out the stuff he's been doing the last while and tell him not to show up for a few weeks while he learns what is required of him in a social capacity. But people have suggested i cut the cord and ask him never to show up again.... really don't know what to do..
Thanks for reading. i'd LOVE to hear any advice.

username123

TellAFriendATruth wrote: »

But people have suggested i cut the cord and ask him never to show up again.... really don't know what to do..

Why dont you let people sort out their own interpersonal issues and ask them not to expect you to be some kind of intermediary?

If they want him out of the group - let them tell him themselves.

And all the stuff you list - let the people concerned address him. If he annoys you personally, say it to him personally.

Merkin

TellAFriendATruth wrote: »

I've been approached by people in our circle of friends and asked to tell him they don't want anything to do with him.

You don't do other people's dirty work. Why on earth would you? If people have a problem with him then THEY need to say it to him directly rather than have you engaged as some kind of go between.

LegacyUser

Basically the reason it's come to me is because if i don't tell him no one will. People are simply avoiding him when they can and telling me they don't want to meet up if this guy is around.
Either i do something about it now or i'll end with my friends avoiding my by proxy.

Why have people chosen you to address him?

Surely it would be easier to sort this out as a group. A simple "ah give it up" in a group situation would give him a good indication, if followed by agreement from the group. If he starts up again just say it's exhausting and you don't want to hear it. At least that way, he knows the behaviour is not welcome in the group and if he doesn't like it he can leave.

tinkerbell

TellAFriendATruth wrote: »

4) Discussed information about a friends personal finances with the group. information he only has access to because of his profession.

This is what stood out for me. The friend who had their personal finances discussed should be reporting him to his employer. Presumably he's working in a bank - he should not be accessing personal finances just to have a nose and then telling everyone about it. Your friend is a total muppet and he should be reported for doing this. Regarding everything else, he's still an absolute dope so I'd just be telling him to feck off and cut all ties with him.

Meauldsegosha

TellAFriendATruth wrote: »

Basically the reason it's come to me is because if i don't tell him no one will. People are simply avoiding him when they can and telling me they don't want to meet up if this guy is around.
Either i do something about it now or i'll end with my friends avoiding my by proxy.

Well they aren't very decent then are they? Either you do their dirty work for them or they stop hanging around with you. Sounds like you all need to grow up.

Ceiteach

It sounds like the rest of your group of friends also have poor social skills, if they would rather completely avoid a friend than face and resolve their issues with that friend head on or expect you to do it for them.

a posse ad esse

true-or-false wrote: »

Why have people chosen you to address him?

Surely it would be easier to sort this out as a group. A simple "ah give it up" in a group situation would give him a good indication, if followed by agreement from the group. If he starts up again just say it's exhausting and you don't want to hear it. At least that way, he knows the behaviour is not welcome in the group and if he doesn't like it he can leave.

Because the others are cowards!

It is up to you to address him based on YOUR issues with this person but I would not be speaking on anyone else's behalf. Ask the others that you will talk to him (if you want to do this) on the things that affect YOU. On the list you have given to us on you OP, are any of it happen to be about you? If so, then discuss those issues that pertain to you. The other issues have the friends in question confront him about it.

Hannibal Smith

Don't speak out for anyone else. I did this in college about a lecturer we had...everyone had a problem with him...I spoke up and when the class was asked who else felt the same...everyone else stayed quiet.

If you have a personal problem by all means have a quiet word....but if you're just relaying messages for others...tell them to do it themselves.

RossFixxxed

Let me go a little further than the polite posters above: cut ties with him altogether. As a bank worker what he is doing in point 4 is a gross, and illegal invasion of privacy. He should be reported and fired immediately. As for telling personal medical detaials this isn't a lack of social skills, he's just a crappy human being.

Ditch him and don't let cowards dictate what you do and say to others.

Life is short and tying a rock around your neck and dragging it with you gets damn tiring, why waste time on a complete jerk who you cannot trust personally or professionally.

There's only 2 words you need to address this and one of them is 'off'. The other you can guess.

ziedth

Meauldsegosha wrote: »

Well they aren't very decent then are they? Either you do their dirty work for them or they stop hanging around with you. Sounds like you all need to grow up.

What exactly had the OP done that he needs to grow up?

Anyway, if it were me it's either phase him out or have a carefully selected few words and try to get him to stop. I doubt the latter will work out but you will know yourself what way he will take it. I tend to agree with above life is very short to spend time and energy on people you don't seem to have any time for.

Lorna123

The guy is obviously sick, what with taking all those pills. Could someone gently point out to him what he is doing wrong and then see if there is an improvement. I hate to see a crowd ganging up on one person without giving them some kind of notice. The guy is obviously not as socially adept as the rest of you so could you steer him in the right direction and help him, rather than washing your hands of him ?

Honey-ec

Lorna123 wrote: »

The guy is obviously sick, what with taking all those pills. Could someone gently point out to him what he is doing wrong and then see if there is an improvement. I hate to see a crowd ganging up on one person without giving them some kind of notice. The guy is obviously not as socially adept as the rest of you so could you steer him in the right direction and help him, rather than washing your hands of him ?

They could be tic-tacs for all we know.

OP, this guy just sounds a bit socially obnoxious, tbh. I wouldn't want to hang around with him either, but that's your choice to make for yourself. I would not be allowing myself to be appointed group spokesperson for the rest of your (rather spineless sounding) friends. All that will happen in that regard is that you'll be the one left carrying the can if it all goes pear-shaped somehow. You'll be an easy scapegoat. Like the person who posted about their college lecturer, I've been put in that position myself before.

Sort out your own issues with this guy, and let your friends sort out theirs.

LegacyUser

How good friends are you all exactly? The thing with the finances is bang out of order. Does your friend have ongoing issues with his health, maybe he is looking for support or is it a case of you have listened to him and offered empathy/moral support, you know like friends do but he just never shuts up about it. I think there's more to this than meets the eye.

LegacyUser

Thanks for all the advice folks.
I think people are right in saying that i have to approach this as an individual. not as a representative of our circle of friends.

I'm going to have to spell out how what he's been doing is grossly inappropriate and has annoyed me to the extend that I'm going to need him to sort himself out or we can't continue to socialize.
It's also a good idea to ask him to perhaps try and find the correct medium in which he can talk about his personal problems. i.e. privately and with a professional.

I think that's the fairest thing to do, if other friends have an issue with him they're going to have to speak up for themselves.
Wish me luck.

RossFixxxed

TellAFriendATruth wrote: »

Thanks for all the advice folks.
I think people are right in saying that i have to approach this as an individual. not as a representative of our circle of friends.

I'm going to have to spell out how what he's been doing is grossly inappropriate and has annoyed me to the extend that I'm going to need him to sort himself out or we can't continue to socialize.
It's also a good idea to ask him to perhaps try and find the correct medium in which he can talk about his personal problems. i.e. privately and with a professional.

I think that's the fairest thing to do, if other friends have an issue with him they're going to have to speak up for themselves.
Wish me luck.

Fair play, that's not unreasonable and good luck! However, the looking at peoples' bank details and talking about them alone is very, very serious (as is repeating private details). I would exercise caution with someone with so little self control and professional cop on. That's a serious firable offence, and could even be a legal issue if he is overheard, or someone calls him on it.

People you can't trust are best at a distance tbh.

LegacyUser

In case people are interested about how this went...

After i decided to talk to him on my own - other folks in the group suggested that they join me to make it clearer that it wasn't me know just had a personal problem with him, but that it was a lot deeper than that. So i agreed.

It went about as well as could be expected. He was a little upset but he took the advice on board and he's gonna try and find some help before he arrives at the any sort of group social event.

I guess now I'll just have to wait and see if he can make a change.
Thanks again for the advice.

tinkerbell

Well done OP, hopefully things will improve from here