Dirty mind is costing me relationships

LegacyUser

I'm a single 22 year old girl and I have finally acknowledged that I have a serious problem with how I interact with men, and indeed people in general. While I am very sweet and polite when I first meet a person, it's only a matter of minutes before I start discussing very intimate matters with them in graphic detail. It's like a compulsion and when the thoughts come into my head, I feel a huge urge to say them aloud.

I've basically had a really chronically dirty mind since I was about 12 years old. I'm quite good at drawing and when I was 14 I was caught selling explicit sketches of various teachers having sex with each other to my fellow classmates. When I was 16 I was suspended for creating my own pórn website by uploading pictures of women I liked the look of from other sites onto a blog.

It's progressed to a point where I'm talking about sexual matters with randomers on facebook on an almost daily basis. I try to start conversations with good intentions, asking them about their families, what they do for a living etc but within literally minutes I start flirting heavily and almost always end up describing my sexual preferences to them.

Thing is, while I may fantasise and talk about sex multiple times a day, I'm actually very reserved when it comes to actually acting on it. I hate pubs and clubs and rarely go out. I could count my previous sexual partners on on hand, although I seem to have put all of the relationships under pressure due to my very high sex drive.

I'm worried that this compulsion stems from a self-esteem issue, as my primary means of being funny and interesting is by cracking sex jokes. I make friends easily, but they all know me as "the kinky redhead" and it's becoming embarrassing that everyone's primary association with me is that I've a dirty mind. I'm looking for something serious and a person who can look beyond my sexual puns and see that I actually can be a very caring and sensitive person.

What should I do? :S

Czarcasm

canthelpmyself wrote: »

I'm a single 22 year old girl and I have finally acknowledged that I have a serious problem with how I interact with men, and indeed people in general. While I am very sweet and polite when I first meet a person, it's only a matter of minutes before I start discussing very intimate matters with them in graphic detail. It's like a compulsion and when the thoughts come into my head, I feel a huge urge to say them aloud.

I've basically had a really chronically dirty mind since I was about 12 years old. I'm quite good at drawing and when I was 14 I was caught selling explicit sketches of various teachers having sex with each other to my fellow classmates. When I was 16 I was suspended for creating my own pórn website by uploading pictures of women I liked the look of from other sites onto a blog.

It's progressed to a point where I'm talking about sexual matters with randomers on facebook on an almost daily basis. I try to start conversations with good intentions, asking them about their families, what they do for a living etc but within literally minutes I start flirting heavily and almost always end up describing my sexual preferences to them.

Thing is, while I may fantasise and talk about sex multiple times a day, I'm actually very reserved when it comes to actually acting on it. I hate pubs and clubs and rarely go out. I could count my previous sexual partners on on hand, although I seem to have put all of the relationships under pressure due to my very high sex drive.

I'm worried that this compulsion stems from a self-esteem issue, as my primary means of being funny and interesting is by cracking sex jokes. I make friends easily, but they all know me as "the kinky redhead" and it's becoming embarrassing that everyone's primary association with me is that I've a dirty mind. I'm looking for something serious and a person who can look beyond my sexual puns and see that I actually can be a very caring and sensitive person.

What should I do? :S

OP there are all manner of exercises in self control you could try, the main one being when you think of something instinctively, check yourself for a minute and the moment will pass. I know it's harder to do than it sounds, but if you really, I mean REALLY want people to take you seriously and not just see you as the sexually frustrated funnygirl, then it's a behaviour you'll have to learn to control for yourself.

When you're talking to somebody and you feel the urge come on, just check yourself and even change the subject. You actually CAN help yourself, you just have to want to badly enough. Let people get to know the real you rather than the person you want them to think you are. Then when you feel they've got their head around that much, if they're still with you, perhaps you could introduce that part of your personality more on a gradual scale as opposed to being so full on about it.

I'm fairly sure there's more to you than just your sexual side. You've already mentioned that you're a talented artist, and perhaps you're a very creative writer, have you considered a creative writing course as an outlet for your fantasies?

It worked out well for E. L. James!

Queen-Mise

I'd suggest some therapy.
The sexual thoughts & actions are not in themselves inherently wrong or right. Letting them out in a appropriate way is something you could do with some help with.

Before you set of down the road of relationships - I think you could do with some help accepting the kind of person you are and what you like/don't like etc. This is especially important if what you like isn't middle of the road - it take a lot of courage & self belief to go down other roads.

At least then after some therapy - you know what kind of person you are & that there is/isn't any underlying issues.

Part of the problem is sounds is the talking inappropriate ways/people/times and the other is confidence in yourself.

Merkin

I think you would probably benefit from CBT. Make an appointment.

Justin1982

Therapy? Practise self control? **** that!

Just accept who you are. Nothing wrong with having a dirty mind. Nothing wierd about it either.
Just go with the flow, enjoy it and appreciate that your not as boring as most of the rest of society.

There is any gods amount of men that would like to meet a girl like you, even in a prudish and sexually ****ed up society like Ireland. And no, they are not all perverts. Plenty of normal men out there would be well able to cop with your extremely sexual mind. Right guy might even be able to calm it down.

Only problem is that the right guy is not always hard to find.......But thats the problem that everyone faces.

The only negative of a dirty mind is that one can end up in risky situations like having a lot of sex with a lot of different people, thereby increasing the chance of stds and all that.
Can possibly also cause problems in your ability to focus on other things like career or college or settling down with one guy and staying faithful.

syklops

The only negative of a dirty mind is that one can end up in risky situations like having a lot of sex

How is having lots of sex a negative?

OP, as the other poster said, don't change yourself. Be yourself. As a singleton, I would have loved a girl with a dirty mind as a girlfriend, and I think most guys would, as most guys have them anyway.

Go, find a guy you connect with, and be who you are.

Justin1982

syklops wrote: »

How is having lots of sex a negative?

OP, as the other poster said, don't change yourself. Be yourself. As a singleton, I would have loved a girl with a dirty mind as a girlfriend, and I think most guys would, as most guys have them anyway.

Go, find a guy you connect with, and be who you are.

As in the more sex you have and the more numerous your partners then the bigger the risk of STD's and pregnancy. There is always a catch.
If you can eliminate those risks then sex is probably the only real addiction that is not bad for your health and one of the only free pleasures in life.

LegacyUser

Justin1982 wrote: »

If you can eliminate those risks then sex is probably the only real addiction that is not bad for your health and one of the only free pleasures in life.

Actually Sex addiction can be very bad for you like any addiction can be if it takes over your whole life and makes it impossible for you to function. A lot of people laugh and make light of the notion of sex addiction but it can be a serious issue, trust me I've seen several people whose lives have been destroyed by sexual addiction.

I consider myself to be very open when it comes to sex, have quite a few tastes that the general public would consider risque and am heavily involved in a lifestyle that revolves around a sexual fetish. I am however well able to separate that part of my life from other areas of my life. The OP has stated that it has become a compulsion for her to contact random people online and that she is unable to carry on a basic conversation with another person without the conversation turning sexual but meanwhile she's not having a full filling sex life or any sex life right now.

It's not just a case of go out there and find someone who wants a girlfriend with a dirty mind. How healthy do you honestly think that relationship would be? There are plenty of fetish sites and like the OP could go to if she just wanted to act out a fantasy but she states clearly she has self esteem issues and is unable to follow on with her fantasies. If it were just a case of needing to meet the right person I'd tell her there are plenty of communities that she could join to explore that are safe and welcoming, that's how I explored my desires, but I don't think the OP is anywhere ready for that sort of environment. The OP needs to address her esteem issues and there is no harm with going and speaking to her GP, she does not need to go into the sexual side of things unless she really feels she needs to.

LegacyUser

Hi everyone, OP here. First of all, many thanks for your advice- it's been really thought provoking for me.

As I mentioned in my original post, promiscuity isn't the issue here;

Thing is, while I may fantasise and talk about sex multiple times a day, I'm actually very reserved when it comes to actually acting on it. I hate pubs and clubs and rarely go out. I could count my previous sexual partners on on hand, although I seem to have put all of the relationships under pressure due to my very high sex drive.

The confidence issue may be well founded, though- I find that telling dirty jokes has become my way of getting attention in groups and sometimes I wonder if I could still be funny and interesting if I didn't. However, most of the time I just blurt things out because sexual thoughts are continually at the forefront of my mind. I know exams are going on at the moment, which may be partly the cause of it, but I literally masturbate up to 3 times a day. I haven't had a boyfriend in over 6 months, although I've been asked out on a number of occassions (mostly by guys who I have always considered 'just friends' in my group). The biggest issue seems to be with new people I meet- they automatically get the impression that I'm easy because of my dirty mind when the fact is that I'm really not. I don't know if it's something I should suppress to give a better impression of myself or if I should simply be honest from the start.

Czarcasm

OP as another poster suggested above, it might be no harm for you to speak to your GP about stress management techniques or maybe visit your on campus counsellor for a chat. They'll be able to guide you in the right direction towards dealing with your sexual compulsion as it does seem to be having a detrimental effect on your life and seems to be making you very unhappy.

You have to try though to bring out other parts of yourself and not be so concerned about being noticed and getting attention. It's a bit of a no-brainer to suggest that people are weirded out by someone so sexually full on, and it does wear a bit thin after a while, when the novelty factor wears off, and that's when you have to show that there's more to you than just a one trick pony.

Try taking up some other interests and hobbies OP that will take your mind off constantly thinking about sex, and learn to focus your mind. I would suggest the martial arts as a way of both exercise, physical activity, and a great way to achieve mental discipline. It's also a great way to meet new people and give yourself a chance to share a common interest in something besides sex, it'll increase your self confidence, and you'll feel like part of a team too

syklops

All I would really say to you is be careful in work, particularly work email. Its very easy to send a saucy email to someone you know well in work, and have said email forwarded, or seen by other people. When I became the 'IT guy' in an office I became almost paranoid about what I sent over work email because I found emails belonging to people who had left the company 2 years previously.

Also be careful of saucy chats or dirty jokes in work over the water cooler. They can be over heard by people with nothing better to do and you can have complaints made against you. Aside from work or family occasions, just be yourself, and hang out with people who like you for you. Any relationship your openness has cost you, probably wasn't worth it in the long run.

LegacyUser

syklops wrote: »

All I would really say to you is be careful in work, particularly work email. Its very easy to send a saucy email to someone you know well in work, and have said email forwarded, or seen by other people. When I became the 'IT guy' in an office I became almost paranoid about what I sent over work email because I found emails belonging to people who had left the company 2 years previously.

Also be careful of saucy chats or dirty jokes in work over the water cooler. They can be over heard by people with nothing better to do and you can have complaints made against you. Aside from work or family occasions, just be yourself, and hang out with people who like you for you. Any relationship your openness has cost you, probably wasn't worth it in the long run.

Thanks, but I'm still in college

syklops

Just had a thought, maybe find some other outlet for your thoughts? Have you considered adult creative writing? You could publish your stories either on websites or even on amazon store and people can buy them. Set a small price like 2 euro, Amazon get 20% of anything you make.

edit: pm me for some website links where you can publish.

Czarcasm

syklops wrote: »

Just had a thought, maybe find some other outlet for your thoughts? Have you considered adult creative writing? You could publish your stories either on websites or even on amazon store and people can buy them. Set a small price like 2 euro, Amazon get 20% of anything you make.

Just don't go plagarising other's work OP, eh syklops? :P

Czarcasm wrote: »

I'm fairly sure there's more to you than just your sexual side. You've already mentioned that you're a talented artist, and perhaps you're a very creative writer, have you considered a creative writing course as an outlet for your fantasies?

It worked out well for E. L. James!

Sites like <snip> are a good place to start OP.

syklops

Czarcasm wrote: »

Just don't go plagarising other's work OP, eh syklops? :P




Sites like <snip> are a good place to start OP.

Ooops, didn't see that you had already suggested that.

Czarcasm

syklops wrote: »

Ooops, didn't see that you had already suggested that.

All good sy, I wasn't sure could I post the links in the first post I made and was kinda humming and hawing over it and then when you suggested it I thought perhaps give the OP a starting point towards something more intellectually stimulating at least than the usual instant porn sites.<snip> are for the more artistic side of sexual expression rather than the full-on wham-bam stuff.

Mods feel free to delete links if inappropriate.

I appreciate the intent to help but those links won't be appropriate to leave here, so I have snipped them.

syklops, please refer to the charter re: requests to PM - I'm afraid it is not done here for reasons explained in the charter

thanks

syklops

Apologies. I didnt think links to that kind of material would be allowed. Hence the PM request.

OP, use google.

fungun

Hi OP

As said before, many people would not consider this a problem (many men would love it! ) but if it is an issue for you, then it becomes an issue. So if this means people are perceiving you as easy and this bothers you then I can see how that is a problem for you.

I tend to think that serious attempts to control yourself better rather than a therapy route. I know people who have acted similarly at times and I believe there were some connections to self esteem and being perceived as funny in a social environment. Often it required a learning of the ability to feel completely comfortable while a conversation was happening around them without them participating in it at all. Im pretty self analytical and I think some form of this could be good for you...maybe talking with a trusted friend or family member (if you have someone trustworthy) about some of it.

As you say you are not acting on all this, so you arent really at risk of stds and the like - but you may create a feeling in a guy that you are interested when you are not so just be careful about that; you dont want to create any awkward situations.

Another option, as has been mentioned, is channeling it. That may be writing but it may also be having a good healthy relationship with someone. It may be that by acting this way socially you are damaging your prospects of that so maybe use that as the reason for yourself to minimise your behaviour....with the long term goal that you may actually be able to enjoy that in a healthy environment in the future.

Best of luck with whatever you decide