Massive fight with boyfriend and insulted his parent now he won't talk to me

Breconspring1

I Had a massive fight with my boyfriend last night. I was extremely tired with a banging headache and he was questioning me in where I was the night before and why I didn't leave him the minute I left the pub. (It was a work night out and I don't drink so left early) I just got so mad at him looking down on me and disrespecting me I ended up calling his parents posh c***s. I don't even know how I ended up calling them that I know it was wrong. Now he won't answer the phone to me and says he wants nothing to do with anyone that disrespects his parents Like that.

I am truly sorry for saying it and feel terrible but it was the heat of the moment. But now he won't talk to me so what should I do?

Neyite

What on earth had his parents to do with it??

The fact is that you cant take back what was said, its always out there, and he will always remember it. Give him time to calm down a bit, and see if he will talk to you in a few days.

It was something dragged into the argument designed to hurt him, to stop him in his tracks and it worked. A bit too well. And its a learning curve for you. Only he knows if its forgivable or not. Me personally, if my partner called anyone in my family that, I would be seriously reconsidering the relationship.

Its also possible that this is just the cherry on top for him, that there were other reasons why he wants to break up, and feels that this is a good "reason" to do it.

Give him time, apologise, and leave it at that.

Stavro Mueller

Well, you can't unsay what you said. All you can do now is wait for him to calm down and decide if he can forgive you for what you said. Trying to contact him while he's still furious will only antagonise him further.

What also jumped out at me was the cause of the argument. The questions over your movements the evening before, then you feeling that he was looking down on you and disrespecting you. Is he normally like this?

Ickle Magoo

Insulting somebody's parents is just a passive aggressive way of having a dig at them. I'm sure he's aware of that on top of the direct insult you gave to people he loves.

I'm with Neyite, there is no take-back. All you can do is apologise, give him space and time and see where you stand then.

It might also be worth exploring whether this is a healthy relationship actually worth being in if he questions you, looks down on you and disrespects you to the point it creates massive fights.

All the best

What a completely unnecessary thing to do. If somebody I loved insulted my family in such a vitriolic and harsh way, then I'd be completely shocked that I probably wouldn't want to talk to them for a while.

His family have nothing to do with it. It was a very immature thing to do. Now you just have to wait a few days and then apologize.

ladysarah

ring him off another phone and when he answers tell him you are really sorry. If he hangs up that is it but do not give up just yet. Why did you bring his folks into it?

ladysarah

ladysarah wrote: »

ring him off another phone and when he answers tell him you are really sorry. If he hangs up that is it but do not give up just yet. Why did you bring his folks into it?

Honestly, I would advise against doing that. It has to be his choice as to whether he wants to talk to them or not. If they do that, then they're forcing him into it, which could ultimately backfire.

CaraMay

What a crude choice of words and vulgar way to treat your bf. There seem to be issues in the relationship already so maybe this is the final straw for him. I don't blame him. Move on and learn to be respectful of others families.

Czarcasm

I'm surprised tbh that everybody jumped on the insult by the OP so quickly. I read it as a frustrated dig at her boyfriend's insinuations and HIS behaviour, which only one or two posters have pointed out was wrong.

I personally think OP as Neyite said that this sounds like it was just the excuse he was looking for to finish with you anyway. It's incredibly petty in the extreme.

As for apologising for anything, it's no wonder he's able to look down on you if he's in the wrong by questioning your movements on a night out and then being able to turn it round on you so that you feel like you're the one in the wrong.

Ignoring you like he's doing now is both immature and cruel and unusual punishment, it's akin to telling a child go to their bedroom and think about what they've done.

Maybe you're better off OP to use the time instead to think about do you really, REALLY want to continue in a relationship where you feel like you've to walk on eggshells all the time and justify your movements to him when he starts yet another petty argument and then makes you feel like you're the one in the wrong, then punishes you for it by ignoring you.


And quite frankly I'm surprised by the attacks on the OP as opposed to what this forum is supposed to be for- offering the OP constructive advice and support, not making them feel worse.

Breconspring1

I'm normally a quiet and shy person but his parents put me down to be ignorant fr day one because I never had a full blown conversation with them. It takes me a while to get comfortable new people. He also told me his dad doesn't like me and they said to him before some othr girl would be better for him because she came from a better family.

He looks down on me and treats me like crap. He has himself convinced I am sleeping with his best friend. He is always checking up in where I go what I do and questions my times and then says "how do I know you weren't with some fella". I go running every evening and he accuses me of being on top of someone havin sex when he rings so I'm sorry if I blew the lid last night but that constant crap and been looked down on would make anyone do the same. As I said heat of the moment I said about his parents I didn't mean it

CaraMay

And why do you want to be with him?

Ickle Magoo

OP - that sounds like a complete nightmare & your relationship sounds really unhealthy. I'd be worrying less about what you've said to him and more thankful for the bullet dodged.

Chalk this one up to experience and move on to greener pastures.

All the best. :cool:

tinkerbell

Breconspring1 wrote: »

I'm normally a quiet and shy person but his parents put me down to be ignorant fr day one because I never had a full blown conversation with them. It takes me a while to get comfortable new people. He also told me his dad doesn't like me and they said to him before some othr girl would be better for him because she came from a better family.

He looks down on me and treats me like crap. He has himself convinced I am sleeping with his best friend. He is always checking up in where I go what I do and questions my times and then says "how do I know you weren't with some fella". I go running every evening and he accuses me of being on top of someone havin sex when he rings so I'm sorry if I blew the lid last night but that constant crap and been looked down on would make anyone do the same. As I said heat of the moment I said about his parents I didn't mean it

Well in that case OP, count your blessings. Your relationship was rotten to the core so forget about him and move on.

Stavro Mueller

Wow! I'm shocked at what you have just written. Your self-esteem must really be on the floor if you want to get back with this guy. No wonder you said what you did.

You really need to spend some time to get to know and like yourself better. How you think it's OK to be with a man who has treated you like this is something you really need to ask yourself serious questions about. Why on earth do you want to stay with someone who treats you badly, patronises you, controls you, doesn't trust you and undermines you.

What you should do now is take out your phone and delete his number. Unfriend him from Facebook. Ignore any efforts he may make to contact you again. Get rid of this unpleasant, nasty man from your life.

sleepytrees

Hi OP

Unfortunately your relationship doesn't sound very healthy. I know in laws can be tough and in reality not all of us get on with them but when it comes to family you and your partner should respect that you do not insult family. I know a lot of things can be said in the heat of the moment but sometimes there is no going back. To be honest it sounds like your insult to his family was nothing to do with that argument but instead a deep resentment you have for his family as you said that he told you his dad didn't like you. In my opinion he should of never repeated that to you because it isn't fair on his dad or you. How are you meant to form any sort of relationship with his parents if you know they don't like you. Also if the relationship is unhealthy and their son seems stressed out it could be another reason why they don't like you.

It really doesn't matter if his parents are from a better area than yours but it's interesting that you say they look down on you. The is no reason to feel less important than them because of money etc. Don't let anyone look down on you. I firmly believe that sometimes we can defensive about certain stuff and people pick up on that.

I would send him a text apologizing and stating that you only said that insult because you were hurt that he said that his dad didn't like you and say that it can out in the heat of the moment but it's something that has hurt you before Explain his jealous issue are pushing you to breaking point and that when he feel ready maybe you could have a discussion about some stuff that's bothering you. It's better to talk about things that are bugging you instead of being passive aggressive and saying it when it's got nothing to do with that argument.

Hope it works out!

Big Bag of Chips

OP, you mentioned you go running every night, and that reminded me of a thread here a while ago. Did you post about him before?

If you did, and if you feel this relationship is a constant struggle why are you still putting up with him?

Ok, you shouldn't have said what you did.. but at the same time I think he is controlling you and trying to keep you "in your place". Every couple has rows and arguments. And every couple goes through periods of annoying each other.. but, for the main part, you are supposed to be happy, secure and enjoy being in a relationship.

How can you enjoy being constantly questioned and bullied. Him telling you what his parents said about you was low. Designed to make you feel 'lucky' that he has chosen to be with you.

I'd take this opportunity to have a bit of time to yourself. To get some perspective. And to take back a little bit of power, and a bit of self respect that he seems to have taken from you.

Don't contact him.
Don't beg him to talk to you.
Don't keep trying to apologise.

Let him realise that you don't have to put up with him being unreasonable (accepting of course that you shouldn't have said what you did.... But pointing out that he is wrong for carrying on as he does)

Your relationship just sounds too much like hard work, for me, to be honest.

username123

God, what a horribly dysfunctional and toxic environment, no wonder you would jump to saying awful things just to hurt the other person.

You need to ask yourself why you would want to be with someone who treats you so badly.

You also need to take responsibility for your own behaviour. You said the words. It was a nasty comment to make.

Why on earth would you want to be in a relationship where you both say such horrible things to each other and where you both treat each other so badly? Whats the point?

Czarcasm

I figured alright there was more going on than what the OP had said in her opening post, insulting the parents isn't something that just comes out of the blue, but because of the way her boyfriend and indeed his parents have made her feel, the OP could only see that she had "done wrong yet again" and the immediate problem was that she had to make her boyfriend see how sorry she was.

OP I'd drop this idiot and his parents like a hot stone and get out now, they're just head melts and you should never allow yourself to be looked down upon like that. This guy knows the crap he spouts isn't true, but he says it because he knows it gets to you, it's a form of control, and you're buying into it hook, line and sinker unfortunately.

It's one thing for them to think they're "better" than you OP, it's quite something else however if you, even subconsciously, agree with them by allowing them to treat you the way they do.

Stavro Mueller

It's also worth pointing out that being single isn't the worst thing in the world. I feel being on your own for a while would do you the world of good to be honest. Fear of being single or not meeting someone else can trap people in relationships that they'd be better off getting out of. Especially those who find it that bit harder to meet someone. It's a bit rich hearing your boyfriend talking about you disrespecting his parents. It's not as if much respect has been shown to you by either them or him.

Breconspring1

I genuinely didn't mean what I said. There not what I said they were. It was just me letting off steam trying to hurt him. I feel like HE looks down on me as he treats me like a s**t so I suppose I was trying to say that it stemed from his family. Stupid immature and nasty I know but I'm deeply sorry.

I have a lot of confidence issues at the minute. A year ago I had an ectopic pregnancy (he doesn't know as he would go mad and say it was someone else's. he always said he would have to have a paternity test done) an ever since that I became obsessed with my weight. I am now anorexic obsessed with fitness and food and haven't had a period since Christmas. I don't like alcohol or drinking and so have been left behind by my friends who love going out.

I feel I need to make friends and a new social group and I am trying to get back to college or travelling.

username123

With respect Breconspring, may I suggest that you need professional help - please go and talk to your GP and tell them everything you said in your last post, especially the anorexic bit.

Czarcasm

Breconspring put your last three posts together and view it all as one bigger picture, then try and ask yourself is this guy even worth any acknowledgement from you, let alone any sort of an apology, for what, a stupid throwaway remark?

Steer well clear of him at this point and use this break as an opportunity to get back to concentrating on yourself and working on your own goals and aspirations to get your confidence back.

This guy is only excess baggage in your life that's draining all your energy and your strength, dragging you down and making it easier for him to control you until you're fully and completely dependent upon him and leave yourself in a position where you really feel like you have no way out. At least this break has inadvertently given you the opportunity to get out while you're still somewhat thinking straight.

Dtp79

Czarcasm wrote: »

Breconspring put your last three posts together and view it all as one bigger picture, then try and ask yourself is this guy even worth any acknowledgement from you, let alone any sort of an apology, for what, a stupid throwaway remark?

Steer well clear of him at this point and use this break as an opportunity to get back to concentrating on yourself and working on your own goals and aspirations to get your confidence back.

This guy is only excess baggage in your life that's draining all your energy and your strength, dragging you down and making it easier for him to control you until you're fully and completely dependent upon him and leave yourself in a position where you really feel like you have no way out. At least this break has inadvertently given you the opportunity to get out while you're still somewhat thinking straight.

Jesus this guy is a poison in your life OP. He has serious issues, is a control freak and is only adding to your worsening condition. He is only loving the fact that you are chasing after him. And if his parents tell him you're not good enough for there little boy then they ARE posh c¥^ts. Seek medical help and steer clear of this lad. But I guarantee after a few days of no contact from you hell be back after you to control u.

Chara1001

My god OP...
What you're describing is an abusive relationship, firstly stop trying to reach him to apologise. Yes a crap thing to say but i think you've been pushed and pushed until you finally snapped. He could be upset, but its also possible he's relishing the chance to drag this out as much as he can, to have you crawling and begging forgiveness. Dont do it.

You sound absolutely miserable, you've been treated like s**t and now you're starting to realize it, now is the time to be strong. Take these few day and think- really think about your unhappiness. Can you try and get in contact with your friends to talk? Your family?

Just wondering, is not drinking your choice or his? The anorexia? Does he tell you he prefers you thin or are these less directly related to him? How much of a hold does he have over you? Speak to womens aid, they're brilliant.

He is an awful influence in your life, do you really need this?

Best of luck OP

Breconspring1

"Just wondering, is not drinking your choice or his? The anorexia? Does he tell you he prefers you thin or are these less directly related to him? How much of a hold does he have over you? "

Drinking is all my choice and weight. He has never influenced me either way. I think its just my way of coping with what happened with the pregnancy as this anorexia thing happened before when I had another miscarriage 3 years ago. Same thing again periods stopped etc. Its ironic how fertility and a baby is all I want yet I am still doing this to myself as a way of control.

I have spoken to my Dr. about it and I am trying to cut back exercise eat more etc. But your right I am feeling miserable because I feel I have no one to hang out with or share things with

Chara1001

I think you should start picking up the phone again,

I'm very sorry about your miscarriage, what an awful thing to go through, and i might have misread somewhere, but it strikes me as though you're going through the grief alone.

Its good that you've spoken to your Dr, maybe s/he can recommend counselling for bereavement and to handle your current situation.
But try to reach out to people, it will really help

Stavro Mueller

Please please please do not go back to this guy should he resurface. It's horrifying to think you are in bits over something you said in the heat of the moment while you're ignoring all the appalling emotional abuse he has put you through. If you weren't so badly damaged emotionally you'd be able to see what the rest of us can. That you are in the clutches of a bullying, mistrustful control freak who is going to destroy you. He has done a pretty good job of it to date.

Esoteric_

Op, please go back to your doctor. Anorexia isnt something you can cure by just cutting back on exercise, you need to speak to someone who specialises in helping someone in your situation.

Do you not think that the horrendous treatment you receive from your boyfriend is adding to the stress that is making you so unwell?

Please do not go back to that pathetic excuse for a man. What you have is not a relationship, it's an abuse filled train wreck. If a friend told you her boyfriend was treating her like that, would you encourage her to beg for forgiveness?

Breconspring1

Thank you to everyone who replied. It makes me feel better seeing encouragement from people who are removed from the situation. I just feel like I need to start my life and hate the thoughts of me wasting my young years. I work full time and still live at home. I know there is nothing wrong with that and I am content with both but i am 23 and see people my age with so much more going for them and i want to be part of that too

Stavro Mueller

Have you spoken to your parents about this? Do you have anyone to turn to?

Stavro Mueller

Just to emphasise the point...

Do you really think it's OK to go out with someone who

* Makes you account for what you did during the day and queries inconsistencies in what you tell him.
* Is utterly convinced that you're having sex with other guys.
* Has told you that his parents don't think you're good enough for them.
* Does not respect you but patronises you and treats you badly.
* Drove you into coping with an ectopic pregnancy alone because he'll not believe it's his baby.

Think about the word boyfriend for a moment. It's boyFRIEND. Aside from the obvious attraction bit, any healthy relationship needs to have plenty of friendship thrown into the mix as well. This man is not your friend. He is a cruel, controlling, nasty piece of work who is preying on someone who's a bit fragile. He doesn't care about you. He cares about keeping you in your place.

Big Bag of Chips

I can't believe you are only 23. Really, OP, you are a young woman with your whole life ahead of you.

Why do you want to be tied down to this man forever... Which is what will happen if you have his baby. You couldn't even tell him you were pregnant, let alone that it was ectopic? How much of a support do you think he will be (after demanding a paternity test) if you ever do have a baby

You say all you want is a baby, but then you say you want the kind of life that your old friends have... Do they all have kids? Or are they doing what young girls their age should be doing. Having a good time before settling down.

There is nothing wrong with settling down at your age, by the way, as long as you are happy.

You are not happy.

This man is not making you happy. I'm not saying he is the sole cause of your unhappiness, but he is certainly not doing anything to help you.

I think he has spotted a weakness in you and is cruelly using it to keep you where he wants you.

You are 23... Even if you were 33 you would still have time to find someone who should look forward to being a parent with.

A baby might seem like a great idea to you. But you have to think about 20 years time, when you will still have a link to this man.

Legs.Eleven

Breconspring1 wrote: »

Thank you to everyone who replied. It makes me feel better seeing encouragement from people who are removed from the situation. I just feel like I need to start my life and hate the thoughts of me wasting my young years. I work full time and still live at home. I know there is nothing wrong with that and I am content with both but i am 23 and see people my age with so much more going for them and i want to be part of that too

23. OP, you're so much of your life ahead of you. You're so young. I really wish you all the best and hope you get help. Your situation sounds miserable and you deserve so much better and I really hope you can see that from the responses here. You sound like a lovely person with your head screwed on. Please do what's best for you. Good luck with it all and please talk to your GP.

Breconspring1

Again thanks to everyone who has replied.

I know I need to get myself out of this rut and do something with my life but I don't know where to start

Legs.Eleven

Breconspring1 wrote: »

Again thanks to everyone who has replied.

I know I need to get myself out of this rut and do something with my life but I don't know where to start

Your health is your wealth. Your first point of call should be your gp. Take each step as it comes. Is there anyone you trust who you can confide in?

Czarcasm

Breconspring1 wrote: »

Again thanks to everyone who has replied.

I know I need to get myself out of this rut and do something with my life but I don't know where to start

Well OP as Esoteric and cymbaline suggested, keep working with your doctor and perhaps talk to them about what's going on in your life right now, I'm on mobile right now but another poster suggested picking up the phone and maybe give some of your old friends a call maybe to meet up for a coffee and a chat, and talk to someone in your family, surround yourself with people that actually genuinely care about you and want to see you doing well for yourself again and getting your life back on track and build up your confidence in yourself again.

username123

Breconspring1 wrote: »

I know I need to get myself out of this rut and do something with my life but I don't know where to start

What would you like to do with your life? Maybe if you made a list of things, big and small and then thought about how you could go about them you might get a bit of motivation to start doing things and meeting people? How about joining a class in something you like, that way youd learn a new thing and meet people at the same time?

Stavro Mueller

You start by not letting this man back into your life in any shape or form. He'd hate the idea of you bettering yourself or going on to college. It's all about control and keeping you in your place, see? He's a malign influence in your life and will continue to be if you let him back. Thank heavens you aren't living with him or have his child.

Take small steps. Go get yourself fixed first. Get the counselling and whatever help you can. Reconnect with your old friends, with family, try to do things you enjoy. If you're not sure about what to do in college (if that is what you want) try booking an appointment with a careers adviser.

There's a saying that goes "How do you eat an elephant?". The answer is "Piece by piece". Don't do too much at once is that I'm advising you. Look after yourself, get yourself into a better mental shape and go from there. Don't put pressure on yourself. You are going to find it hard to cope for a while without this bully in your life but you will be all the better for it.

Merkin

Breconspring1 wrote: »

Again thanks to everyone who has replied.

I know I need to get myself out of this rut and do something with my life but I don't know where to start

I think leaving this boyfriend would be a very good start. If you do make that leap, that will then precipitate a positive new start for you and good things will begin to happen. I'm thinking a lot of your problems are associative so by making that break, you're taking out one very toxic and damaging factor out of your life. Dump him.

RossFixxxed

I just want to emphasise what the others said:

The relationship is toxic and very bad for you.

You need professional help to deal with the traumas you have endured.


You are clearly a smart, strong minded young woman, but you should not shoulder all this alone. It will drag you down. Anorexia is a very, very serious condition alone and you need to start making yourself better. This includes getting away from this guy. He will undermine and control your life until there isn't much of you left. That's the raw truth.

I'm sure many know I often post here, and I do. This is one of the few times my stomach has turned in knots with worry about a complete stranger on the Internet. That should tell you something. Please, please, please get away from him and go to your GP. You need to do this for your own sake. I'm sure everyone posting on here would be devastated to see you throw your life away so young. If there is anything I can do, or answer please post here. My heart goes out to you but now is the time to change. Now is the time to take some hard, but rewarding steps towards a better life. I really wish you the best OP.

Breconspring1

Thank you Rossifxxxed for your genuine reply. I think first of all I need to focus on getting back to a normal weight and getting my cycle back as the longer it is gone the more worried I am about damaging fertility. Secondly I need to get out more and start mixing with people, get some sort of a social life back. I plan on doing this in baby steps until I build confidence otherwise I feel i will flop, by going to gym classes, going places with some friends, going out etc. Then it is my plan/ goal to get a degree. I have applied to college but if I dont get in I am going to do a part time course to get me in next year. I also want to travel. I am not sure about living in another country and working but I definitely want to go to a few countries and experience their culture. I plan on balancing this depending on college or not.

RossFixxxed

Brilliant! Glad to hear you are making changes. Travel can be great and open your mind a lot! I usually don't recommend the 'geographic relocation' fix for things, but in this case it would do you good and definitely give you space from things!

Your friends are a great resource, go watch some comedies or some dreadful girly films or some such (whatever you are into, don't hate the sexism!) Getting distance from this guy and reconnecting with people who genuinely care about you will do wonders.

I still think some professional help, be it GP or therapy would compliment the changes you are making and help you plan your next few months out. It is a professional, emotional space to sort through some of the horrors you have had to deal with.

Best of luck, I'm delighted to see you looking forward with positivity. You are way stronger than you think and don't doubt it is inspiring to me and to others on Boards!

Another way of putting this, a camper way, is: YOU GO GIRL!