How do you know when its time to give up?

LegacyUser

I am married with 4 young children, to a man who appears to dislike me.
I frustrate him and we fight all the time.

He threatened to leave before Christmas and i was distraught, as along with all the mundane worries of how will i cope with this... i knew i loved him... and didn't want to give up.

Even when we start "anew" we appear to fall into the same old arguments and pitfalls... he won't consider counseling, so any other ideas?

He was good and kind and considerate and more moderate.....

But now he is not nice to me.
For example ...While pregnant with our fourth child, he justified throwing me onto the couch (as IN HIS WORDS i was getting out of control) in the middle of an argument. There was no alcohol taken by either of us, me being pregnant, and he isn't a big drinker)..... the reason while i tell this story is.... a few days later, after making up, i am playing with one of the children and he "notices" the finger print bruises on my upper arms.... and says what happened there. I was "tense" at this question, even though we were "made up". saying you have some cheek to ask that... and he said he couldn't believe he did it. But as i pointed out i don't bruise myself, he admitted later it had to be him....
This situation hasn't been repeated since thank God = but he does bang doors and hit walls and leave rooms to struggle with his temper, he shouts at a lot and can say nasty things while fighting.

I am no saint,...

I find it practically impossible to let go of the mean things he says in fights... like asking what the hell i do all day... that i gallivant around the county... and how to relate that .... to when he says he thinks i am doing a great job and am good with the children...



i suffer from bulimia and told him that before we married, but it appears to really annoy him now. I am a stay at home Mother at the moment, even though i have the same degree at him, and feel adrift on occasion. I rely on my fabulous family and have made some great friends in this area.

But it would appear we both are making the other miserable... so how do you know when its time to accept defeat?

Or probably the REAL QUESTION i want answered... how can I make this right, make us work...

I don't want to fail at this, i want the best for my children.

Thanks for reading...

ABajaninCork

Hmmm. OP, you appear to be married to a man who has real issues with his temper. He's put his hands on you, and appears to be emotionally abusing you too.

Four small children in the mix doesn't make things any easier. It really can't be easy for either of you. One child is hard work, never mind four close in age. I'm sorry, but your husband's being ignorant when he asks what you've been doing all day. I would probably lose my temper with him too if he came out with that crap to me! So - it's not all you. It's a two way street.

Perhaps the pair of you are so busy being Mum & Dad, that you don't make time for each other any more other than to argue - I don't know. Maybe the pair of you should arrange to sit down and TALK rather than yell at each other.

Are you still suffering from bulimia? If he won't consider counselling (why?), then maybe you could go by yourself?

Hope it all works out for you.

EDIT: Meant to add. Perhaps the two of you could 'date' again? See if the spark's still there. But if all else fails. BAIL. Life's too short to be miserable. And contrary to what to you might think, the kids WILL suffer. Kids are a lot brighter than people think and will pick up on the unhappiness. It won't do them any favours, believe me.

Fluorescence

I think he needs counselling, whether as a couple or on his own. He's clearly got plenty of issues that he needs to sort out. If, as you say, he will not accede to this request at all it's probably time to give up. He sounds emotionally unstable, and that's not something you can deal with safely while raising 4 young children.

Sleepy

When do I know to give up? wrote: »

a few days later, after making up, i am playing with one of the children and he "notices" the finger print bruises on my upper arms.... and says what happened there. I was "tense" at this question, even though we were "made up". saying you have some cheek to ask that... and he said he couldn't believe he did it. But as i pointed out i don't bruise myself, he admitted later it had to be him....

This jumped out at me: your response to his question seemed designed to get a response.

While I'm not excusing his inability to control his temper, if you continually communicate in a barbed or aggressive manner with him it seems only natural that this would get a rise out of someone.

You need to learn to communicate with each other without the aggression. From my understanding, that's the primary function of couples counselling.

Try using less accusatory language when discussing things with him. The classic example would be "When you do X, it makes me feel Y" rather than shouting "stop doing X" or asking "what the hell are you at?" etc.