Wife is lazy and it's really getting to me - Mod Warning Post 17 & 65

LegacyUser

We've been having the same conversation for years. It flared up again.

Basically, my wife doesn't pull her weight with keeping the house tidy - by her own admission. I'm not a neat freak, but I feel a tidy home is a pleasant home. I should feel happy coming back to what I feel should be a comforting cocoon. I like the idea that things are stored in places so you know where they are when they're needed. I like a kitchen and bathroom to be clean, dishes washed. I like bins to be put out before stinking up the house. I prefer there not being piles of stuff randomly on the floor, in front of doors, stuffed on shelves, on chairs where we sit. I prefer finishing a household job rather than half-doing it and leaving the detritus for the other person (e.g. washing the dishes, but not draining and cleaning the sink).

Stop me if I'm being OCD here.

My OH is what I would kindly call 'inattentive' to these things. Or lazy. Nobody likes doing chores when they could be doing something more fun, but people seem to like the result - a pleasant place to live that doesn't degrade over time.

She's pregnant, and I accept I must do more around the house now and for the next year. But while she's never pulled her weight around household jobs, by her admission, she rarely does even the bare minimum. For example, teabags are left in the sink or on the countertop rather than in the bin right below the countertop; items removed from shelves or boxes opened on shelves are never put back; countertops never wiped down; dishes can be left unwashed for anything up to 5 days after using them; random stuff left on seats and sofas where we usually sit; dirty clothes left in piles or left to go sour in the washing machine for days (I now wash my own clothes only); towels are dropped or hung in a pile/lump, not drying out, which causes them to smell. These are just some examples.

Stop me if I'm mad, but it's getting to me. Again, I accept I must do more for now because she's pregnant, but things have been like this for years and I've seen no change. And I believe in equally sharing household work, I already clean up messes my OH makes for herself, but I simply cannot continue doing all the work - I would simply be devoting too much of my leisure time doing all household chores.

I believe getting into good habits before the arrival of a first child is really important because maintaining a house is even more difficult when the chaos of a child arrives. I haven't heard anything from my OH that she sees things this way, too. In fact, it's more that I'm given an ultimatum to (1) accept this situation as it will never change, and that (2) I will have to continue doing most of the work and to just get over it.

I don't feel this is fair. And I don't know what to do about it. That is unless you all think it's me who has the problem.

sleepytrees

Is there a reason why the cleaning of 'Your' home is the sole responsibility of your wife? And you working full time is not a reason. If you lived on your own and worked you would still in to do your own cleaning.

You stated that clothes left in the washing machine went bad because they weren't hung out? any reason why you didn't hang them out?

It does sound to be that your wife doesn't like housework and she will be even more increasing tired because of her pregnancy.
What if you made Saturdays a spring clean day. I wonder if you spent the day cleaning, would she be lazy anymore? Also I find personally a clean home is easy to maintain. So maybe you should get the place spotless and ask her would she put her plate in dishwasher when finishes eating and teabags in bin.

There is no room for OCD when baby comes along. If you think your wife is messy then wait until you have a newborn

maryk123

Are eye both working maybe get a cleaner. When I was pregnant I got a cleaner because believe me if she does nothing now it's going to be a lot harder when the baby comes and eye are both exhausted. At least if you get a cleaner the hard jobs are done eg showers, floors etc Its easier maintain the house afterwards.

Other than that give each other a room eg kitchen is yours, sitting room is hers and try it that way. Housework is never ending and thankless. Good luck

LegacyUser

Sorry, sleeptrees, I don't think you get where I'm coming from. It's *I* who does nearly all the work, and I believe in both of us doing our fair share. I am saying that my OH doesn't even do a bear minimum of her fair share, leaving me to do it all the time.

As for suggestions so far, I have time and again spent entire Saturdays cleaning the house from top to bottom, explaining the time taken and asking that it stays like this by us doing our fair share consistently from then on.

It never happens. We can't afford a cleaner. Our house is small, and so I don't see why we would need one if we both pitched in our fair share. I go way and beyond my fair share. This is the nub of the issue.

Again: my point is I want us to share the work fairly, and that with a child on the way, this must be nipped in the bud now before things become even more difficult.

And neither of you answered my first question: would you and other people expect ordinary people to do basic, essential things as those I mentioned in my first post? Put another way: why should *I* have to put *her* teabags in the bin and clean up other messes when I come home from work every day? Why are you saying that that's not her responsibility?

And as for routine cleaning ... I'm the only one who does that anyway. Without me, it simply wouldn't get done. The foulness she was living in previously (renting alone) was astonishing.

jdsk2006

She sounds filthy op. You can't be expected to live with a housemate that behaved like this much less your spouse. Its time for a very honest and frank discussion with her. Tell her its starting to put yoh off - that will grab her attention......that's what will happen eventually anyways op, her lazyness will put you completely off her and put the relationship at risk.
You sound very reasonable and fair. general household maintenance is everyones responsibility and you are already doing your share. A rota is what you need to implement here.

CaraMay

So you knew she was like this but yet you got her pregnant and decided to wait til she was pregnant to start this row? Why have a baby with someone you can't even share a house with?

username123

domesticstrike wrote: »

Put another way: why should *I* have to put *her* teabags in the bin and clean up other messes when I come home from work every day? Why are you saying that that's not her responsibility?

And as for routine cleaning ... I'm the only one who does that anyway. Without me, it simply wouldn't get done. The foulness she was living in previously (renting alone) was astonishing.

Well you dont have to. No one is making you. Thats your choice.

So the foulness she lived in renting alone was astonishing yet you still moved in with her, accepted it, continued to accept it, and then married her, continuing to accept it, and decided to have a baby with her and NOW, NOW you have decided, its to be sorted out before the child comes along? Would you cop on! You have accepted it all along and now expect things to change to suit your timescale?

Why did you accept it all along? Why didnt you stand your ground at the beginning? Boundary setting- including division of household duties - is something that you do when you first move in together, not something to try to impose years down the line after accepting the behaviour all this time.

Why on earth did you move in with someone who lived in astonishing foulness (your words).

Whats the point in having the same conversation for years? You need to look at the bigger picture here. You have been complaining about this for years yet she hasnt changed - but you have accepted that! And throughout it all you have gone ahead and moved in, married and now gotten her pregnant - do you not think that you are complicit in this carry on by accepting it for so long?

Seriously?

I totally agree with you it sounds disgusting and annoying, but you have made the rod to beat your own back with here. No matter what you threaten her with now she will know you dont mean it because you have been having the same conversation for years.

I agree with another poster - get a cleaner. Your wife is not going to change.

slarkin123

Try explain to her that a dirty house wont be good for a new born. And maybe you both need to get into a routine now before the baby is born. I believe in sharing the housework though with me being a stay at home mam I've more time than the hubby.

sleepytrees

Well then ask her mother to come over once a week to clean up her mess or your mother... that will soon get her motivated

I hate anyone else cleaning up for me and if my mother in law or mother was coming around I always make sure I clean the house from top to bottom so they don't try and clean!

ElleEm

OP, you clearly haven't managed this well, and unfortunatly it's hard to break long formed habits.

You need to do as JDSK says and sit her down and have a really honest chat with her. Tell her that her messiness is really getting to you and you are concerned for this when the baby arrives. Leavign things lying all over the ground is a hazard anyway, but imagine at 4am when you're carrying your baby down the stairs for a feed- there is a real safety risk.

When you have had these discussions before, have you laid out a rota/ reminders, etc. or are you simply having a meltdown, having a fight and moving on? I wouldn't make excuses for her, but I know people who live in mess and filth, and they just genuinely don't see it. They navigate around objects on the floor, and don't notice smells of rotten food. Have you actually checked to see if she even understands how to keep a home clean? She may need you to help her with a new routine to get into a habit. Even if you allot 15 mins a day to "tag team" the cleaning, it may make her feel more motivated.

The way you're living isn't fair, but I echo what Username said, you facilitated this due to the fact that you have cleaned up after her all along. It sounds like she has a different idea of housework to you, so you need to come together and decide what is acceptable for both of you and commit to it. If she slacks on her end of the cleaning/ rota, then encourage (don't moan) her. You can even divvy up the tasks so that you can look after things she is less good at/ hates doing.

DoctorBoo

I have to say that I think the reactions here are very harsh on the OP. We all live with and accept to a certain extent our partner's faults and weaknesses. It is not his fault that his partner has consistently ignored his complaints about cleaning.
This is a simple case of laziness. I really believe that both partners should share the burden of housework, but having said that, I know many couples where that isn't the case. If housework simply isn't one partner's thing, then I've seen compromises whereby the non-houseworker takes full responsibility for other tasks. For example, they always do the weekly shopping, or looks after the garden etc. It's not ideal but it's fairer than what you have at the moment.

Neyite

Well you couldnt have picked a worse time to try and address it OP.

All these years and you want to do it now - it will be seen as picking on a pregnant woman - one who is tired from morning sickness, fatigue, joint pain, back pain, swollen ankles, fingers etc. Someone who needs rest and to put her feet up whenever possible.

You do see that you will come across as a bit of a bully here to both sides of the family if you try and make her do her share now she is pregnant, dont you?

By the way, when I was pregnant, all I was let do was the cooking by my partner. He did everything. I had to argue with him to be allowed hoover one day. He insisted, and even then was getting an earful from his sisters and mother to make sure he did it. I had to reassure them that I hadnt lifted a finger in the house. I myself felt that I was grand to do most of it, but he worried if I did, so I stuck to doing the small things.

And after the baby, you still will be doing a lot in the early days. Some days it felt like I was feeding, burping and rocking for hours on end. I barely got a chance to brush my hair some days. The baby was about 3 months before I got into a routine where proper naps meant I could scoot around doing a bit.

I would say leave it for now. Its the wrong time to bring it up,you'll come off really badly, and you never know, she could become a germaphobe when the baby arrives. Then you can talk about keeping the house clean for visitors coming or for baby's health.

LegacyUser

Neyite wrote: »

Well you couldnt have picked a worse time to try and address it OP. it will be seen as picking on a pregnant woman - one who is tired from morning sickness, fatigue, joint pain, back pain, swollen ankles, fingers etc. Someone who needs rest and to put her feet up whenever possible.

By the way, when I was pregnant, all I was let do was the cooking by my partner. He did everything. I had to argue with him to be allowed hoover one day. He insisted, and even then was getting an earful from his sisters and mother to make sure he did it. I had to reassure them that I hadnt lifted a finger in the house.

What a pile of nonsense. My friend ran a marathon when she was pregnant. Pregnancy is not an illness and it's certainly not an excuse to be a lazy slob. A bit of light housework never killed anyone, pregnant or otherwise

homerjay2005

DoctorBoo wrote: »

I have to say that I think the reactions here are very harsh on the OP

i know, its absolutely shocking...if it was the other way around, they would be telling her to dump him....welcome to PI on boards.

anyway, OP i feel sorry for you to be left with this useless and lazy woman. have a word and try get her to get help, as she obviously needs it.

Neyite

randomuser456 wrote: »

What a pile of nonsense. My friend ran a marathon when she was pregnant. Pregnancy is not an illness and it's certainly not an excuse to be a lazy slob. A bit of light housework never killed anyone, pregnant or otherwise

I never said it was an illness, or any of what you have paraphrased. You have spectacularly missed my point. I merely said his timing sucks - that traditionally partners tend to try to lessen the load of their pregnant partner, while here he is trying to do the opposite, and he is going to look like a bully for doing it now. That was my point.

I fully agree that pregnancy does not entitle you to take a back seat, and I never did during mine, but I was lucky and had an easy one, compared to most of my friends. Someone who is already lazy may use it as a rather handy reason to do even less than they do already. As I happen to be in my late thirties and know heaps of women who have had pregnancies - easy and tough, I know NONE who ran marathons.

Slutmonkey57b

sleepytrees wrote: »

Is there a reason why the cleaning of 'Your' home is the sole responsibility of your wife? And you working full time is not a reason. If you lived on your own and worked you would still in to do your own cleaning.

You stated that clothes left in the washing machine went bad because they weren't hung out? any reason why you didn't hang them out?

It does sound to be that your wife doesn't like housework and she will be even more increasing tired because of her pregnancy.
What if you made Saturdays a spring clean day. I wonder if you spent the day cleaning, would she be lazy anymore? Also I find personally a clean home is easy to maintain. So maybe you should get the place spotless and ask her would she put her plate in dishwasher when finishes eating and teabags in bin.

There is no room for OCD when baby comes along. If you think your wife is messy then wait until you have a newborn

I'm pretty sure you haven't read the op's post. He's done all that for years, and all the lazy cow has done is take advantage of his hard work.

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Steve O

homerjay2005 wrote: »

i know, its absolutely shocking...if it was the other way around, they would be telling her to dump him....welcome to PI on boards.

I've noticed this as well!

OP you need to start laying down the law and say it is seriously straining your relationship, if it continues to cause you stress off you go, life is too short to put up with that stuff.

sleepytrees

Steve O wrote: »

I've noticed this as well!

OP you need to start laying down the law and say it is seriously straining your relationship, if it continues to cause you stress off you go, life is too short to put up with that stuff.

And telling the OP to dump his pregnant wife isn't shocking... okay sure...

OP I understand that her messiness is driving you crazy and you already tried all the things that I already suggested. Would they be any family member or someone who is looking for a bit of causal work that you could throw a few bob to for them to clean a few times a week? You could tell your wife that it's to help her out. I really don't think she is going to change at this stage. I would be looking for other solutions.

Is the messiness really this bothersome to you or is there something deeper to it? Sometimes we gotta accept it's never gonna change. Is there anyway she could take charge in something else, like cooking and you do cleaning?
Some sort of compromise? Or have you already tried this?

Washing load triples when you have a baby and the washing up and messiness. It's just part of life. So if she isn't organised now, it will be chaos.
I wonder will her nesting mode kick in and all this be solved?
I went on a cleaning frenzy when I was pregnant and afterwards too.

Maybe picking up some pregnancy magazine or articles that give advice for newborns?! If she reads that it's best to have place ready now.

It could be that she has heard it from you so many times now that it's lost it's shock factor you telling her?

It's a tricky one. Although pregnancy is not an illness, it is extremely exhausting on the 1st and last trimester. Also some people have SPD which is really painful. I'm not making excuses for your wife but you made her your wife knowing she was a messy person right?!

sleepytrees

Slutmonkey57b wrote: »

I'm pretty sure you haven't read the op's post. He's done all that for years, and all the lazy cow has done is take advantage of his hard work.

I have indeed. Not sure the OP would like his wife being called a 'lazy cow'
You don't even know the woman.

thefeatheredcat

OP I've lived with someone in a houseshare that in your opening post what you describe was just like her (minus the pregnant bit). It's a nightmare to live with especially if it's never addressed and has just been accepted by everyone or even where attempts have been made to rectify and failed.

I'd see it that either she has always had someone else pick after her and proves herself incapable of looking after herself properly as in lacking in the awareness or skills (as indicated by how she lived in her own place) or lacks a serious amount of respect for herself and her living space to the point that I have to ask: have you considered there being a psychological reason to her living in dirt and unable to clean up? Maybe this stuff just builds up and is the equivalence of something that is too big of a challenge to deal with, just an a psychological level? Maybe it's a bit like hoarding where something sparks it off and never gets addressed properly that stuff just piles up with results in both clutter and dirt?

Regardless, it's not something that is just going to magically change overnight and change on her part will be having to seriously understand the situation she is in such as acknowledging it herself (rather than it being pointed out to her) and realising herself that something needs to be done and for her herself to start doing something about it.

She will need support if she makes a change and I think that if you really really can't afford a cleaner, then maybe worthwhile to take on a previous suggestion of getting some friends or family who may be willing to pitch in, or who might need a bit of extra cash and don't mind the mess too much.

Hannibal Smith

How far along is she in the pregnancy? She really needs to get in training cleanliness wise now, because I dread to think what you'll be coming home to if she stays the way she is.

I don't know why you appear to be getting the blame for her slovinliness. No matter whether she's male or female, pregnant or not , pulling your weight with the housework is not an unreasonable request. But unlike others I don't think its a relationship deal breaker.

You see a tea bag lying around call her and tell her to put it in the bin. everytime. At the weekend pick a room each and clean it. tell her you'll both spend an hour on a Sat morning cleaning the house and then its done. Maybe when she sees how pleasant it is when she sits down on Sat evening to a clean house it'll encourage her to pull her weight more.

Dtp79

OP by any chance, is your wife an only child?

Little Acorn

Have you tried just stopping to clean up after her?
Only tidying up after yourself and just letting her filth accumulate?
Let her teabags pile up, leave her crumbs and spills building up on the counter top and floors, let her work her way through all the dishes until there are no more clean ones left,
(you keep your own few items clean and don't allow her to use them) and let her try and use the mouldy towels and clothing that she allows to just sit in the washing machine.

And then, when the the kitchen is piled high with all of her dirty dishes and all her crumbs and spills, and her clothes all stink of mould, invite her friends or else one of your's or her parents around for a cup of tea and a chat. Give her a few hours notice. Hopefully she will be mortified and won't want anybody else seeing what a slob she is so will want to clean the whole place. Refuse to help. It will be her mess so let her clean it.

For some lazy people doing this type of thing works. Letting them live in their own filth is a bit of of a harsher way of driving the message through to them that they need to feckin start pulling their weight because you won't be doing it anymore.

However some people are quite happy to live in filth and have no shame or embarrassment about it. As you mentioned that her old apartment was a hovel, I wouldn't hold out too much hope that this technique might work.
If it does work and she starts cleaning up after herself then it may be just laziness that is her problem.

If it doesn't, there MAY be some kind of deeper issue at play that she might need to speak with a professional about.

Little Acorn

I also want to add that I don't think it's fair that you should be left with no choice other than to get a cleaner. As you said yourself it is a small house and you have no problem with doing your share of housework. So why should you have to fork money out of your pocket because of her laziness?
I think you could make a cleaning schedule, each person has their own cleaning days and duties for that day. These duties and days could alternate weekly.
I would continue to do my own, and if she wants to pay for a cleaner to do the cleaning on her days, then let her pay for it herself from her own money.

That would be my opinion on the cleaner, but it may not work if you are a couple who share all money in just one account and don't have any separate individual spending accounts.

tinkerbell

I agree with Little Acorn. Stop picking up after her. You are her husband, not her servant. Also, being pregnant is no excuse to live in filth - she can still do housework, just obviously not the heavy jobs.

kraggy

I think people are being massively unfair on the OP here. Or else some people didn't read his post properly.

He clearly stated in the first line that this issue has come up several times over the years. He's obviously brought it up many times and was probably fobbed off by her with her saying "Yeah I know I need to improve that aspect of the relationship so, starting today I'll try harder". But she obviously hasn't.

How can you transfer blame on to the OP for his partner's shortcomings? And what's the big deal with bringing it up now, even if she is pregnant? We're talking about asking someone to place a teabag in a bin for heaven's sake, not get up a ladder and fix a tile on the roof!

If he's been pushed over the edge, don't blame him. Blame his wife.

ck83

If your wife is as you say she is, then you ignoring it won't do your mental health any good. Or your relationship, for that matter. You'll be leaving it all, and she won't even notice. You'll end up even more frustrated, and very cross. I've lived with people who are a bit like your wife, and mess doesn't bother them. I don't know what the solution is, because people like that don't see a problem, and are unlikely to change. You'll either have to carry on picking up after her, or learn to love the dirt...

Just to give a viewpoint from the other side.

I'm like OP's wife. I wouldn't say I'm lazy, I'd say I just find it incredibly difficult to keep on top of housework and keep the place clean. Always have and probably always will. I actually hate mess, but find it so hard to actually work up the motivation to clean up. Once in a while, I do a massive blitz and swear I'll never let it get that bad again, but I always do. It starts when I'm busy with something and think 'Ah, I'll wash that cup later'. The cup then becomes a whole sink full of dirty dishes and then the whole kitchen is a mess.

I don't know why I'm like this. I'm not really a lazy person and most definitely not spoiled. The opposite, even. I was expected to clean everything up myself from a very young age but never really shown how to do it and my parents just let me live in mess. I didn't even realise until I was about 19 that other people actually make their bed every day. So I guess I got used to being surrounded by mess. My siblings are exactly the same.

I think it's unfair to suddenly decide now that his wife is pregnant that the mess is no longer acceptable. He knew she was always like this. My partner does get annoyed with the way I am, but he knew I was like this. I do my best to change and to clean as much as I can, but it still falls way below most people's standards.

username123

Yahir Rancid Podiatrist wrote: »

I think it's unfair to suddenly decide now that his wife is pregnant that the mess is no longer acceptable. He knew she was always like this. My partner does get annoyed with the way I am, but he knew I was like this. I do my best to change and to clean as much as I can, but it still falls way below most people's standards.

+1

Of course its a horrible situation and of course the OP is not his wifes servant and of course she should do her bit etc...

But the point is, she doesnt, she never did, and now the OP suddenly thinks he can lay down the law, worst timing possible, while she is pregnant.

The simple truth is - she is not going to change, and people like this wont be embarrassed about the mess or adhere to a cleaning schedule - if it was that simple it would have been resolved years ago.

So OP either has to

• accept the dirt
• accept being the one to clean up
• hire a cleaner

There are no other options, he cant change his wife. And nor should he expect to after all these years.

kraggy

username123 wrote: »

+1

Of course its a horrible situation and of course the OP is not his wifes servant and of course she should do her bit etc...

But the point is, she doesnt, she never did, and now the OP suddenly thinks he can lay down the law, worst timing possible, while she is pregnant.

The simple truth is - she is not going to change, and people like this wont be embarrassed about the mess or adhere to a cleaning schedule - if it was that simple it would have been resolved years ago.

So OP either has to

• accept the dirt
• accept being the one to clean up
• hire a cleaner

There are no other options, he cant change his wife. And nor should he expect to after all these years.

Lay down the law? Are you serious? He's not asking her to do all the cleaning, he's asking her to do HER SHARE. We all need to adapt in a relationship no matter how long that relationship has been in existence. That's how marital problems are sorted, conversation and compromise.

Just because she's been a lazy git until now doesn't give her the right to be forever.

smash

username123 wrote: »

There are no other options, he cant change his wife. And nor should he expect to after all these years.

He can expect her to want to raise a child in a clean and healthy environment!

username123

kraggy wrote: »

Lay down the law? Are you serious? He's not asking her to do all the cleaning, he's asking her to do HER SHARE. We all need to adapt in a relationship no matter how long that relationship has been in existence. That's how marital problems are sorted, converstaion and compromise.

Just because she's been a lazy git until now doesn't give her the right to be forever.

Yeah but he has already tried and failed with that over the years. Did you not read the OP?

We've been having the same conversation for years.

His wife is not going to change.

username123

smash wrote: »

He can expect her to want to raise a child in a clean and healthy environment!

He can expect what he likes, but given he has been having the same conversation with her for years, her not changing, him allowing that - why would this time be any different?

kraggy

username123 wrote: »

Yeah but he has already tried and failed with that over the years. Did you not read the OP?



His wife is not going to change.

She doesn't WANT to change. But maybe she will if he gives her an ultimatum. She sounds like she needs a wake up call.

And if she's happy to bring a child into a filthy environment then she becomes not just a bad partner, but a bad mother also. And that's the angle that the OP should take. Make her see the importance of a clean house for an infant.

smash

username123 wrote: »

He can expect what he likes, but given he has been having the same conversation with her for years, her not changing, him allowing that - why would this time be any different?

Because there's soon to be a child involved!

username123

kraggy wrote: »

She doesn't WANT to change. But maybe she will if he gives her an ultimatum. She sounds like she needs a wake up call.

And if she's happy to bring a child into a filthy environment then she becomes not just a bad partner, but a bad mother also. And that's the angle that the OP should take. Make her see the importance of a clean house for an infant.

And you think an ultimatum to a pregnant woman is the way forward?

Unless the OP is prepared to follow through an ultimatum means nothing. Do you think the OP is going to leave his wife, now, while she is pregnant? He hasnt been driven to leaving her all these years despite him commenting on her living in "astonishing foulness" in her own place.

username123

smash wrote: »

Because there's soon to be a child involved!

So what? Dirty lazy people are selfish! People who have just had a baby are tired! The combination of the two is hardly likely to produce a model of cleanliness.

Im just being practical. Personally I would have addressed this from day 1 of living together - but since he didnt, he enabled it all these years so he has helped to create this problem.

Hannibal Smith

username123 wrote: »

+1

Of course its a horrible situation and of course the OP is not his wifes servant and of course she should do her bit etc...

But the point is, she doesnt, she never did, and now the OP suddenly thinks he can lay down the law, worst timing possible, while she is pregnant.

The simple truth is - she is not going to change, and people like this wont be embarrassed about the mess or adhere to a cleaning schedule - if it was that simple it would have been resolved years ago.

So OP either has to

• accept the dirt
• accept being the one to clean up
• hire a cleaner

There are no other options, he cant change his wife. And nor should he expect to after all these years.

There are plenty of other options. He should not accept that he has to do the cleaning, or have to fund a cleaner. Its her mess too. What's she going to do with the dirty nappies? Leave them for the OP to clean up when he gets home?

username123

Hannibal Smith wrote: »

There are plenty of other options.

Like what? He has already tried and failed to get his wife to do her share all these years. Im interested to know what other realistic options he has.

I mean, he could leave his wife, but realistically, I dont think he is going to be doing that.

Hannibal Smith

username123 wrote: »

Like what? He has already tried and failed to get his wife to do her share all these years. Im interested to know what other realistic options he has.

I mean, he could leave his wife, but realistically, I dont think he is going to be doing that.

Leave because she won't clean??? Lol.

There are plenty of other options given in the thread.

kraggy

username123 wrote: »

And you think an ultimatum to a pregnant woman is the way forward?

Unless the OP is prepared to follow through an ultimatum means nothing. Do you think the OP is going to leave his wife, now, while she is pregnant? He hasnt been driven to leaving her all these years despite him commenting on her living in "astonishing foulness" in her own place.

Who said anything about leaving her? Just yet anyhow.

If she were having my child, there's no way I'd let her carry on the way she is once the child is born. I'd threaten to tell her family about the situation or think of something that lets her know that THIS IS NOT OK.

Again, I think he should come from the parenting angle. Let her know that the child needs a safe, clean place in which to grow up and the failure to provide such equates to being a bad parent. Which it does.

Her pregnancy is NO excuse for her getting away with such a deep disrespect for her partner and it certainly shouldn't meant that the OP can't bring this up in conversation and tell her that it has to change.

As a previous posters said, he shouldn't have to clean up after her and he shouldn't have to fund a cleaner to clean up his lazy wife's mess.

Ash.J.Williams

domesticstrike wrote: »

We've been having the same conversation for years. It flared up again.

Basically, my wife doesn't pull her weight with keeping the house tidy - by her own admission. I'm not a neat freak, but I feel a tidy home is a pleasant home. I should feel happy coming back to what I feel should be a comforting cocoon. I like the idea that things are stored in places so you know where they are when they're needed. I like a kitchen and bathroom to be clean, dishes washed. I like bins to be put out before stinking up the house. I prefer there not being piles of stuff randomly on the floor, in front of doors, stuffed on shelves, on chairs where we sit. I prefer finishing a household job rather than half-doing it and leaving the detritus for the other person (e.g. washing the dishes, but not draining and cleaning the sink).

Stop me if I'm being OCD here.

My OH is what I would kindly call 'inattentive' to these things. Or lazy. Nobody likes doing chores when they could be doing something more fun, but people seem to like the result - a pleasant place to live that doesn't degrade over time.

She's pregnant, and I accept I must do more around the house now and for the next year. But while she's never pulled her weight around household jobs, by her admission, she rarely does even the bare minimum. For example, teabags are left in the sink or on the countertop rather than in the bin right below the countertop; items removed from shelves or boxes opened on shelves are never put back; countertops never wiped down; dishes can be left unwashed for anything up to 5 days after using them; random stuff left on seats and sofas where we usually sit; dirty clothes left in piles or left to go sour in the washing machine for days (I now wash my own clothes only); towels are dropped or hung in a pile/lump, not drying out, which causes them to smell. These are just some examples.

Stop me if I'm mad, but it's getting to me. Again, I accept I must do more for now because she's pregnant, but things have been like this for years and I've seen no change. And I believe in equally sharing household work, I already clean up messes my OH makes for herself, but I simply cannot continue doing all the work - I would simply be devoting too much of my leisure time doing all household chores.

I believe getting into good habits before the arrival of a first child is really important because maintaining a house is even more difficult when the chaos of a child arrives. I haven't heard anything from my OH that she sees things this way, too. In fact, it's more that I'm given an ultimatum to (1) accept this situation as it will never change, and that (2) I will have to continue doing most of the work and to just get over it.

I don't feel this is fair. And I don't know what to do about it. That is unless you all think it's me who has the problem.

Your wife's a legend

kunst nugget

username123 wrote: »

His wife is not going to change.

How do you know that? People change and compromise all the time. Telling him to just accept her being messy is nonsense. Almost all of us were messy as teenagers but we managed to grow out of it. It sounds like the op's wife could do with a bit of growing up tbh.

username123

kraggy wrote: »

If she were having my child, there's no way I'd let her carry on the way she is once the child is born. I'd threaten to tell her family about the situation or think of something that lets her know that THIS IS NOT OK.

Im sure her family already know if she lived in "astonishing foulness" before.

I cant disagree with your enthusiasm but I think you underestimate how hard it is to change something so fundamental about a person. She knows he hates it. She knows it bothers him. She still hasnt changed. By not leaving her early on he sent the message "I dont like it but ill put up with it". And he reinforced that message every time they fought about it and nothing changed.

Now no matter what he SAYS she will just think "ah itll blow over like before".

He kinda boxed himself in by letting it go on so long.

username123

kunst nugget wrote: »

How do you know that? People change and compromise all the time. Telling him to just accept her being messy is nonsense. Almost all of us were messy as teenagers but we managed to grow out of it. It sounds like the op's wife could do with a bit of growing up tbh.

Again, have you not read the OP? They have had the same conversation for years. She has had multiple opportunities to change and hasnt. What makes you think this time will be different?

kunst nugget

username123 wrote: »

Again, have you not read the OP? They have had the same conversation for years. She has had multiple opportunities to change and hasnt. What makes you think this time will be different?

Yes I have read the OP. I'll give you an example: A person smokes for ten years, they have multiple opportunities to quit but don't. Does that mean they'll never quit?

They both need to reach a compromise and figure out what is going to work out best for both of them. It also needs to be done calmly and without argument. I don't know the couple so I don't know if they are capable of doing that but to suggest that she's incapable of change so he should just suck it up is stupid.

Dtp79

A lazy leopard won't change it's spots

username123

kunst nugget wrote: »

Yes I have read the OP. I'll give you an example: A person smokes for ten years, they have multiple opportunities to quit but don't. Does that mean they'll never quit?

They both need to reach a compromise and figure out what is going to work out best for both of them. It also needs to be done calmly and without argument. I don't know the couple so I don't know if they are capable of doing that but to suggest that she's incapable of change so he should just suck it up is stupid.

The analogy doesnt work. Smoking is an acquired habit. Being capable of living in foul dirt is an attribute of someones personality. Its not something that can be easily changed.

I didnt suggest that she is incapable of change so he should just suck it up. If you read my posts you will see that I pointed out where he had facilitated the situation and contributed to the position in which he finds himself. Having already gone through the motions of trying to change her and failing for so long, and leaving her being unrealistic I see him with only 3 other options - acceptance of dirt, acceptance of cleaning or a cleaner.

And while you are entitled to your opinion I would appreciate if you would refrain from calling mine "stupid". Personal abuse does not help you to make your point any more clearly and if you cannot address my posts without resorting to personalising then Id prefer if you didnt address them at all.

Chronic Button

username123 wrote: »

The analogy doesnt work. Smoking is an acquired habit. Being capable of living in foul dirt is an attribute of someones personality. Its not something that can be easily changed.

Complete and utter rubbish. Being dirty and messy is an acquired habit. A habit that ought to be challenged when it makes other people's lives a misery.

OP you either have to come down hard on this issue now or let it go. Believe me if unchallenged it only gets worse. And also believe it or not, partners not taking their share of the housework is actually a major cause of divorce.

I lived with two friends who I loved dearly. Their astonishing filth almost ended our friendship. I eventually moved out because no matter what, they would not change. Our house actually smelled.

You have my sympathies OP. I feel angry with your wife for putting you in this situation.

username123

Chronic Button wrote: »

Complete and utter rubbish. Being dirty and messy is an acquired habit. A habit that ought to be challenged when it makes other people's lives a misery.

You misunderstand, the ability to live in foulness is not a habit, its just the way some people are.

Chronic Button wrote: »

Their astonishing filth almost ended our friendship. I eventually moved out because no matter what, they would not change. Our house actually smelled.

Exactly - these people do not change.