Need help moving on...

ClareP1983

This may seem like a silly post but me and my boyfriend broke up over a year ago and I'm still 100% in love with him. He called it off as he said there was nothing between us and more or less didn't love me. We kept in contact ever day since and we have had a couple of hook ups. I suppose I let it happen as I thought we would eventually get back together. Today he texted saying he wants to stop contact as its stopping me moving on and it's time. I'm completely heartbroken like I was a year ago. I feel I am never going to move on and be positive. How do I get over him and will I ever be happy without him. To be honest he didn't treat me too good when we were together but I am 30 and stupidly thought it was better than being single. Can anyone help x

solas111

Sometimes when you look at the forest you cannot see the trees and sometimes when you’re too close to a situation it can be difficult to see the truth. Therefore, now is a good time to step back and view the bigger picture.

This guy didn’t treat you good when you were together but at least he is doing you a favour now by being honest about his feelings. No need to be so desperate at 30 because you’re only a kid yet and there are plenty of fish in the sea. You think that you are in love with your ex-boyfriend but are you really? I think that rather than being in love with this guy you crave companionship which is a natural human feeling. This is coupled with a fear that the biological clock is ticking and that there may be ambitions in life that you may not achieve. This fear is making you want to cling on to a relationship that has long since run its course and that may not have been right for you in the first place.

Whether you are going to be happy without him is entirely up to you. If you try to hold on to something that you should let go you are likely to have a miserable time. However, if you adopt a different attitude and decide each morning that you are going to have a good day your new attitude will become a self-fulfilling prophesy. Go to the gym or the hairdresser or engage in some other of those female rituals and start to feel good about yourself. Delete your ex-boyfriend’s number from your phone, dig out the LBD, plaster on the self-confidence and have fun.

Pause for a while and look at the bigger picture. If you become happy with the person you are, you will have good fishing – if you don’t like yourself, make positive changes.

Taltos

OP - I have moved your thread to Relationship Issues.

For anyone who may have followed it from the other forum, please note the RI charter now applies.

Thanks
Taltos

ash23

ClareP1983 wrote: »

This may seem like a silly post but me and my boyfriend broke up over a year ago and I'm still 100% in love with him. He called it off as he said there was nothing between us and more or less didn't love me. We kept in contact ever day since and we have had a couple of hook ups. I suppose I let it happen as I thought we would eventually get back together. Today he texted saying he wants to stop contact as its stopping me moving on and it's time. I'm completely heartbroken like I was a year ago. I feel I am never going to move on and be positive. How do I get over him and will I ever be happy without him. To be honest he didn't treat me too good when we were together but I am 30 and stupidly thought it was better than being single. Can anyone help x

There's the problem, right there. Your ex shouldn't have strung you along for the last year but at least he's doing the right thing now. You're the same age as me OP and we're not exactly over the hill. Plenty of time to find someone new. And being single isn't the worst thing in the world. Allowing yourself to waste a year of your life on a man who doesn't love you is far worse.

I got dumped a couple of months ago and to my shame, I allowed myself to be strung along for about a month. I wasn't sleeping with him but I was meeting him and in constant contact. Eventually I just had to go cold turkey for my own sake.And while it's been crap at times not being able to talk to him, it had to be done and it is helping me move on.

You're young, go and have fun. Get the girls and go out for a night. Be busy and distract yourself. It's unfortunate that it took this long and it's also unfortunate that it took your ex to do it, but it's better now than waiting another year or two being strung along.

If you're finding it hard to break the habit, delete all possible methods of contacting him and get a breakup buddy. Basically tell a friend or sister that you are going to use them as your "go-to" person instead of your ex. So when something happens and your ex is usually the first person you text or call, go to the go-to person instead. You basically have a habit you need to break and you need to stop using your ex as the main person you communicate with about your life.

Stavro Mueller

When you've got feelings for someone, scraps from the table can go a long long way. Because your ex and you still stayed in daily contact and hooked up from time to time, you fooled yourself into thinking that there was still something happening. So for whatever else he may have done that was right or wrong, he is on the money here. You need to move on from this and that is not going to happen if things stay the way they are.

It's ok for you to grieve what you've lost. Naturally you're going to miss him, miss the knowledge that he was somewhere in the background if you wanted him. The most important thing to do here is not to let your head drop. Yes you're going to feel hurt, lonely, depressed, angry etc. for a while. That will pass and you will be OK. You are still only 30 and you can still meet someone else and have the things you'll never have with your ex.

As the others have outlined, take the time to be good to yourself. Spend time with your friends, look into taking up a new hobby or doing things you didn't do because your boyfriend was on the scene. As time goes on, you will start to feel better about yourself and your ex will fade into the past. In my opinion, staying friends with an ex in the immediate aftermath of a breakup is asking for trouble. Especially when one of the people involved still has feelings and the other one doesn't.

Forever Hopeful

Op, I could have written your post myself when I was 30. However, I wish I knew then what I know now.
Being single is ALWAYS better than accepting less than you deserve. I let guys mistreat me (god I cringe when I look back).
At your age when you have groups of friends, many of whom have settled into relationships, you feel a pressure to be in one too. There's this perception that being single is bad, that you've failed. You have to stop focusing on that and focus more on waiting for the right guy and having the maturity to walk away and choose to be single until he arrives.
Putting up with bad behaviour makes you unattractive. I had dinner with a make friend recently and he told me that my independence and assurance of being single sets me apart as guys see me as a challenge (I am not, believe me, I am just so happy with my life alone that it'll take a special guy for me to change it). Now I have a good 8/9 years on you and it took time but looking back I can see it perfectly now.
I can see why some girls succeeded and why some failed. I have said this before and I'll say it again, we all face more or less the same situations, the difference is how you handle and respond to it.
Just because this guy treated you like crap is not a reflection on you, he would do that to any girl, it's the girl who says sorry but I am not tolerating poor behaviour will not be upset over this jerk as she knows she deserves better.
He did you a favour and cutting contact is the only decent thing he has done.
Work on your self confidence and self esteem Op before getting involved with anyone else. Once you have then it'll make sense and become clear.

ClareP1983

Hi I just want to thank everyone for posting comments back they are very motivational and I keep reading back over if I have a bad day. Thanks again for taking the time x

Cupcake_Crisis

I'm a bit late to this thread, but honestly op I think your ex treated you quite badly,and you let your heart rule your head, but we've all been there. I know it's so tempting to try cling to any glimmer of hope that someone you love will come back to you, but it rarely happens. Hooking up with him in the hopes of a reunion was a bad idea, but im sure you learned that the hard way. A clean break may be harder at the start, but it saves you so much hurt in the long run.

I'm really glad peoples replies are helping you, and hope you can stick to your guns on this one! There's nothing worse than trying to convince someone to love you.